


Just a Friend

by FairytalesAndILoveYou



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2020-10-28 08:40:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 89
Words: 113,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20775692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairytalesAndILoveYou/pseuds/FairytalesAndILoveYou
Summary: Kevin and Tracie are best friends.  They're also everything the other has ever wanted.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 99-01. I lost several stories to website and hard drive death. Posting for safe keeping.

~*~Tracie~*~  
All I did was go to a party. Really. That’s it. Went to a party, met some people, and made some friends. I needed to get out into the world again. I never imagined all this would happen. If you would have said something three months ago, about me and him, I would have laughed you right off the planet. No way. I’m just his friend.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Neither of us expected this. I know I sure as hell didn’t. The very last thing I wanted was a woman in my life. Fuck one, sure. A relationship, no way. Not that I don’t thank God every second for what happened. She is just my friend. The friend I fell in love with.


	2. Chapter 2

***A year ago***

~*~Tracie~*~  
I know I’m pretty. I do have my bad days, but overall I don’t suffer from low self esteem. I don’t think I’m horribly vain either. I’ll go out without make up on. I had a friend who wouldn’t ever let her boyfriends see her without make up. Jumped up first thing in the morning to put it on before they woke up. The way I see it, if you’re doing it right, the make up will melt off. Once a man has seen your sex faces is there really a point to this conversation? I don’t think so. And I do work at a job where getting hit on is pretty common. I’m a lifeguard in central Florida, Orlando. That’s not my "grown up" job, but that will come out in due time. It’s an exclusive club. A little pretentious. Cracks me up. I wasn’t surprised when this guy came up and was talking to me. Very mysterious. Dark sunglasses, lots of tattoo’s and piercings. Not exactly my type. Very smooth though. Called me "sweetheart" in a way that didn’t make me want to smack the holy shit out of him. We would sit and talk during my shift. He’d bring me drinks and lunch on his way in and we’d make fun of the "rich chicks". You know, the one’s who wear make up and gold lame swimsuits. I love to watch people and so did Alex. Friday we laughed ourselves stupid. At the end of the day he told me he was going to a party with a bunch of his friends at a club downtown, and if I wanted to come, bring a date or whatever, he’d put me on the list. A list? I wasn’t sure I wanted to do that again. But . . . he was awfully insistent. He’s a fruitloop. Crazy, but a heart of gold.

Loved this club, loved this party. I was wrong to hesitate. The music was blaring and the room was smoky. People lined the stairs trying to see into the VIP part ~ the list. I didn’t know why there was a list, but whatever. At least I had a place to sit. I was laughing with some new acquaintances when Alex came by with a few of his friends. Talk about your assortment of hotties. Short, tall, blonde, dark, thin, muscular. Something for everyone. The cutest one, Nick, had a girlfriend, Pam. She didn’t look happy to be here.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Pam was never happy to be anywhere unless it was home alone with Nick. With him kissing her ass. I’ve never met a more insecure woman. I don’t get this at all. We’re groped daily and he picks the most insecure of the lot. My girlfriend, Michelle, she just laughs it off. Good thing too. I wouldn’t put up with that. And it pissed me off watching him do this. She had this way of making it seem like it was his fault. At least so he thought it was. He thought there was something he could do or that he wasn’t doing. Whatever.

Tracie. AJ introduced her to us. She’s not AJ’s type. She has this beautiful white blond hair half way down her back, great tan, the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen, and she’s little. Like 5’ 6", size 4. Very pretty. Not that I was looking, but I’m a guy, I notice. Pam asked how she knew AJ. Tracie explained the whole lifeguard thing. I could see Pam pulling the judgmental thing.

"I’m guessing that’s not your for real job?", I said.

"Very smart. I needed a break. Roasting in the sun is a good break."

"We’re all members of that club. We usually stick to the links though."

Nick laughed, "I’m going swimming now that we gots friends at the pool." Thankfully he missed the look Pam gave him. He’d get it later.

AJ came and went. I sat and talked. So did Nick, Pam, and Brian. Howie lived for the dance floor. I like these types of parties. Small, chilling with some friends. Tracie was cool. Never said a thing about the Backstreet Boys.

~*~Tracie~*~  
This was my kind of party. Small. I liked laughing and meeting new people. These guys were fun. Pam? I don’t think she likes me. Oh well. I got this vibe that a few of them weren’t too crazy about her. Loved Nick though. I figured they dealt with her because of him. What I liked best was they didn’t ask too many questions. We just partied in the moment. AJ came by and looked at Kevin, I think, I’m bad with names, and said, "Party in the purple room." They started to leave. All but Nick.

I pouted, "Man, I feel unloved."

All five of them exchanged glances then AJ looked at me, "Do you smoke?"

I know my eyes lit up, "Yes."

He grabbed my hand, "Come on then. I don’t push anyone."

We were halfway down the stairs when Nick caught up with us, "Screw it. I’ve had enough tonight."  
It had been forever since I’d been stoned. As soon as the buzz hit I remembered why I liked it. Peace and calm. And everything is hilarious. These guys were hilarious anyway. Nick and the little one, Brian I think, about made me pee in my pants. Well, skirt. They got up and were dancing. Hands on their knees, butts sticking out, and gyrating. Hilarious. Kevin fell off the couch. It was just those guys and me. In hindsight this wasn’t the smartest thing, but they were cool. We hung out there for about an hour then rejoined the crowd once Alex was over his paranoia. He kept rattling on about girls pulling at his clothes. Whatever.

~*~Nick~*~  
Did I fucking ever hear about it later. Pam was all up my ass. When we went back upstairs I got glared at. I respect that she doesn’t get high. I don’t care that she doesn’t get high. But I do get high. There are a lot worse things I could be into to. I mean, we’re offered shit all the time. I’ve tried things. Nothing I want to make a habit. Later when we got home I got, "You went with them because of that girl. I know you think she’s prettier than me. You wanted to be with her didn’t you?" I don’t know what it is, but I can not make that woman see how much I want to be with her. She seemed so tiny and alone. I get pissed at her being so judgmental, but I love how she needs me. If I could just find the right thing to say . . . to do. I suck at relationships sometimes.

~*~Tracie~*~  
The next day was quite the eye opener. I didn’t get home until about 8am. We had gotten the munchies and hit a Waffle House. Damn, bacon is good. I fought Kevin over the last piece. He won. Bully. I had to be at work at 9. Saturdays are wild. The parents dump the kids at the pool then head out to the golf course. I’m a lifeguard not a baby sitter. About two I got visitors. Alex, Brian, Howie, and Kevin. They sat at the table with me and pointed out the children I should let drown, if not make drown. Work should not be this fun. They all had dates tonight and left about five. I was getting ready to leave, packing up when two of the other lifeguards approached me, "Tracie! Spill girl. How do you know the Backstreet Boys?"

"The who?"

"The Backstreet Boys. AJ, Nick, Howie, Kevin, and Brian. The Backstreet Boys."

"Again, who are these Backstreet Boys?" I was lost. I had obviously missed something.

"Singing group. From Orlando, about to release a new CD, Millenium. "I Want It That Way" already on Mtv."

"Oh Mtv, that station that used to play music videos. Sorry, don’t watch it."

"How do you know them?"

"Alex and his friends? I met Alex, umm, a week ago and went to a party last night. Met a lot of people. So this group is big?"

"Not yet, but they will be."

I went home and crashed.

The next day I got this phone call at noon. I was still asleep. "Hey, sweetheart, cook out at my house. I got a pool, but I need a lifeguard."

"You can’t afford me."

"Just come. Please, please, please."

I’d recognized his voice immediately, "AJ, how did you get my phone number?"

"Called the club. I get what I want. Coming?"

"Yes, where and when?"

Nice house. Alex still lives with his mom. She’s nice too. Made herself scare. Overall, very good day. Met a bunch more people. Brian’s girlfriend, Sara, she was cool. Michelle, Kevin’s girlfriend. Liked her too. Still don’t like Pam. And I don’t think I like Nick around Pam. He’s too . . . subdued. Not at all like him. A relationship should enhance you, not diminish you. She made him less. Bad, bad, bad.

This went on for a couple of weeks. One or more of them would show up at the pool and hang out, invite me to something and I’d hang out with them and their friends. I liked this. I needed this. People to play with, but no strings. I’m low on trust right now. I can’t tell you who I liked best. They all have their good points, and bad points. Alex is like a hug. That’s the best way I can describe him. He’s always giving hugs and even when he’s not it’s like his personality and love for life engulfs you. Down side, he has way too much energy. Nick, great away from ‘her’, they other’s call ‘her’ that too. He’s funny as hell, and does everything he can to make you feel welcome. Let’s himself be held back though. Brian, funny paired with Nick, but he seems to have the underlying religious fervor to him that really puts me off. Howie, if you need to be calm go to Howie. He’s so laid back, which can be . . . boring. Kevin is hard to describe. A big teddy bear . .. who gives looks that kill. Great to talk to . . . unless he’s being a bitch. And if he takes my bacon one more damn time!

~*~Kevin~*~  
I knew something wasn’t right about Tracie. She never talked about anything before Orlando and she’d only been here a month. No life before that. I’m not one to invade privacy, lord knows I’m up to my eyebrows in that, but this was weird. I liked hanging out with her, We all did. She was just one of the guys. It had been a while since we’d had a girl being just one of the guys. Really, since we’d gotten together and achieved any success that hadn’t happened. The girl always wanted one of us, or to hitch a ride. Not Tracie though. It was cool to have a girl guy friend again. It was like she didn’t even know who we were.

Then again, we never really talked business when she was around. Not at parties and stuff. It was a real short time until the CD was released and we were all crisp from the production and promotion, and nervous as hell. Sophomore slump, even though everywhere but the US this was our third cd. I’ll never understand the logic in that one. Another good reason to ditch Lou. That’s probably another reason we didn’t talk business at play. The last year had been hell, and when we weren’t working, we were NOT working. Almost ended us, too much stress and wasn’t fun anymore. We were gonna make it different. Our new management worked a deal for us to be on Mtv’s big show TRL when the CD was released. That news had just come down. We were psyched, big time. We were telling everyone we could get a hold of. AJ and I decided to go tell Tracie. Big party tonight! We showed up at the pool giddy and watched her drag a kid off to the side and ream him a new one. He must have pissed her off. She dropped into her chair with a huff, "I should have let you drown him a week ago." I had offered. "You all are happy, what’s up?"

"We just got the news we’re debuting the CD on TRL."

Have you ever seen that face a dog makes when it’s confused? Looks cute on her.

~*~Tracie~*~  
No clue what they were talking about, "Pass that by me again?"

AJ grabbed my nose and shook my head, "Our CD, Millenium, going out on Tuesday. Us on Mtv."

A tiny light somewhere went off. I did a quick memory search. Oh yeah. "Shit, I meant to check that out."

Kevin was giving me that look, "Check what out?"

"Backstreet Boys. After you all were here after first party I got quizzed on how I knew the Backstreet Boys."

~*~AJ~*~  
That explains a lot. What the fuck! She has no idea. We, the guys, had talked about how cool it was to meet someone, a hot girl, who didn’t give a shit who we were. She treated us like normal people. Hell, she even fought with a stoned Kevin over bacon. Everyone else knew better. I hope to hell this doesn’t screw it all up. If she starts acting stupid I’m losing it. I’m prone to losing it anyway. But dammit, I like her. I like how she sees us. Us, not US~ TA DA!!! Fuck, this could be bad. I’m gonna think positive though. After all she did hear the name and didn’t even check it out or ask us about. Wait, is that good or bad? I can’t believe what I did next. Actually I can. I’m impulsive.

"Come with us." I got that Kevin look he had just given Tracie. "What? What a better way to find out."  
"Come where?" She wasn’t affected at all.

"New York. Come to New York. Oh, and the party tonight. Big party tonight."

"Every night is a big party. New York, huh?" She thought for a few seconds, "Ok, I need to go back anyway. I’ll be right back." She took off to deal with that kid again.

Kevin smacked my head, "What did you do that for?"

"Did you not listen?"

"I don’t want her caring who we are. I love that she doesn’t care who we are."

"Kevin, she doesn’t know who we are?"

"What if she cares once she knows? I like having a girl guy friend."

"Me too. We’ll have Brian pray or something."

She came back and sat down, "How many CD’s do you guys have?"

Kevin answered, "Two in Europe, one in the US. You gonna go get them?"

She laughed, "No."

How many dumb looks can two grown men exchange? "Why not?"

"What if I don’t like it? Then I’ve wasted thirty bucks. I’m sure one of you has a copy I can borrow."

It had never crossed my mind she might not like us.


	3. Chapter 3

~*~Kevin~*~  
Think quick, think quick. "Nope, you’ll have to wait. Listen to it with everyone else in New York." Did she say something about going "back"? I knew there was more to this story. I like mysteries.

"Don’t I get to hear the old stuff?"

I had to think about that. Some of it is pretty cheesy. I don’t even like it. "Maybe later at the party. Only with one of us there to see your reaction."

"That could be embarrassing. For you. I don’t get embarrassed."

She was dead serious. She scares me. She’s gonna be fun to have around. I think we’ll keep her.

~*~AJ~*~  
He thinks he’s making things better and he’s making them worse. What if she doesn’t like it and starts laughing. I’m gonna be there and make sure we skip "If You Want It To Be Good". Baby Nicky singing that is hilarious. I hope Mr. Smartass doesn’t suggest watching old videos. My hair in "Loverboy" is truly frightening. His spinning across stage would be good for a laugh, it always gets me. I think it’s gonna be ok. If I say that enough maybe I’ll convince myself. I don’t know why this is making me so nervous.

We never got around to it at the party. We just partied. One more week. I love this CD. I’m more proud of it than anything we’ve done so far. I wrote a song for it. It didn’t make the cut, but I think it’s excellent. Oh, Kevin stole Tracie’s bacon again. I think one day she may hurt him.

Finally the day to leave came. We all met up at the airport. I hate flying. So does Nick. So we got to sit on either side of the girl. Kevin rolled his eyes. Hey, if you’re gonna have a girl guy friend you can use her for comfort on flights. I went to the bathroom when we could. When I came back Tracie was sitting there with a shit eating grin on her face, "Guess what Nick gave me?"

I didn’t even want to guess, "What?"

She held up a CD player and 2 headphones, "Wanna listen with me? It is you after all."

Remind me later to hurt Nick. At least he’d given her the Japanese import with extra songs.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I wasn’t head over heals in love with the first CD. They sounded so young, hell, they were. Kevin had kicked Nick out of his seat and joined. They wanted a review. "I liked Quit Playing Games, Everytime I Close My Eyes. Lay Down Beside Me, now that I can do. Like that R & B feel. And I’m not crazy about I’ll Never Break Your Heart, but Kevin, babe, you need to not speak like that. What is up with that voice?"

"You mean this one?"  
I clapped my hand over the smartass’ mouth, "Don’t!"

AJ laughed, "What didn’t you like?"

"Nick’s whiney voice in Let’s Have a Party. Boys Will Be Boys. How many of you had even had sex at this point."

Kevin laughed, "Oh yeah, me I think. We did these early promos videos with these pelvic thrusts. I remember teasing them that not a one of them had a clue. Nick was 13 singing he’ll be your lover."

"I was hoping to avoid any embarrassing video memories." AJ put his head in his hands. "Next CD."

This I liked. I was jamming. I ripped of the headphones during one song, "This! I fucking love this. This is amazing."

Kevin put the headphone to his ear, "That’s The Way That I Like It"

I hit the replay button a few times. I kept going. "10,000 Promises, love this." Then we hit a little problem, "Sampling Spandau Ballet? Wrong." Then I nearly peed my pants.

AJ took the headphones off me, "I knew I should find away to skip that song."

"Bad boys." I made a naughty face and pouted. I listened to this song with them talking. "Howie is toast. Nick had never kissed a girl. Brian is a goof. AJ has some good moves. Kevin, that voice again."

"I must go to the ladies. I’ll be right back." I climbed over AJ and grabbed his face, "I’m your bad boy". I kissed him, cackled loudly, and walked on.

~*~Kevin~*~  
What she didn’t understand and that left us dazed and confused was that as she said that and laughed it was the same laugh that AJ does at the beginning of one of the songs on the new CD. "Did you give her Millennium?"

"No. That was fucking bizarre." We both sat quietly for a few seconds. "Any idea why her hearing our stuff is making me so nervous?"

"Because most people we meet anymore at least have heard of us, and she is honest and would tell us if she didn’t like it?"

About that time she came back, "I like."

"You like what?"  
"You guys, the music.  
It’s not my normal thing, but it’s good. Overall. I can’t wait to hear the new one. I’m excited." AJ and I both smiled.

We got to New York and checked into the hotel. AJ gave her his room and shacked with me. Just like old times. It was kinda cool. I was nervous as hell. What if this CD tanked? It would be over before it began. This one could really break us in the States. "I gotta go out. I’m gonna go nuts."

About that time Nick, Brian, and Howie banged on the door, "We’re nervous. We gotta go out."

"Hey, you guys wanna go out?" Tracie had appeared through the connecting door between our rooms.

Nick put his arm around her, "We were just discussing that. Let’s find out what’s going on."

"We can go to MonWow."

We all stared at her, "Really?"

"Give me five minutes." Tracie got on the phone. MonWow is a private club that moves locations a lot.

There was usually an up and coming sort of band there and it was a safe haven for anyone in town. One of a dozen clubs where celebrities could go unnoticed. You had to know someone to get in, and we didn’t. Until now. I had heard of it, in passing somewhere, but didn’t know enough yet to know how to go about getting in. We weren’t quite there yet. But Tracie knew. I knew there was more to her story.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Yes, this was a risk. But I needed to blow off steam and of all the places in the whole city I knew for sure I would "safe" there. I got the address and we headed out.

"You’re sure about this?" Nick said looking around. "This is a warehouse."

I smiled and knocked on the door. I knew this bouncer, "Tracie? Good lord girl we thought you were gone for good. Get your ass in here." Carlos gave me a hug and looked at the five men behind me, "They with you?" I nodded. "Welcome to the party."

Once inside we had to stop and let our eyes adjust to the darkness. Carlos led us to a table near the stage, "Julia is tonight, does she know you’re here?"

I smiled, "I didn’t know Julia was here."

"Ah, the girls are back in town! I’ll send over a waitress."

AJ leaned forward, "This is cool. I feel like we’ve arrived. I’m gonna go check this out. Get me a shot and a JD and coke." He took off with Howie and Brian in tow.

We sat and looked around. Tables surrounded a small stage and over to the side was a makeshift dance floor. The music was loud and a mix of everything. It wasn’t uncommon to hear Nine Inch Nails right after Duran Duran. They played Nirvana and Nick and I hit the floor. This I found humorous. He loved Nirvana and that genre, but the music he sang was a polar opposite. He told me that he didn’t listen to the type of music they performed. I liked that. Told me he wasn’t locked into anything, could look around and see things for himself.

It came time for the set and we sat down. I had met Julia six months before I left New York. We became friends fast. I loved her music. She wrote what I felt a lot of the time. Some upbeat happy, some sad, and some angry. She was one of the few people who knew why and when I left. It was a girl respect thing between us. Halfway through her first song she saw me and we exchanged smiles. I saw her looking at the men I sat with and almost laugh. She dedicated "Bury You" to me. Boy, did that fit, "If I could bury you, would anyone even notice you were gone."

~*~Nick~*~  
That’s some ugly song. Mean. I wonder what it means? Cute woman. Dark curly hair, thin, dark eyes. I like her music too. She said she writes it all. Good for her. She jumped off stage and came over and hugged Tracie, "I am so glad to see you. I was worried."

I want to know what about. Tracie introduced all of us and we sat down. Julia has this killer Australian accent. I could listen to that for hours. She never said anything that gave me any clues about how they knew each other or what this was all about. She knew who we were. Kevin laughed, "Tracie didn’t know who we were."

"You didn’t know who they were? Their new CD is getting tons of talk up."

Tracie rolled her eyes, "Fine, I suck. Whatever."

This was what I needed for the nerves. Pam gets in tomorrow. She lives in Chicago. We’ve been apart for about two weeks this time. I miss her. I’m glad she’ll be here for all this craziness. I’ll spend time with her and she’ll see how important she is too me. Even with all the stuff going on.


	4. Chapter 4

~*~Kevin~*~  
More pieces to the mystery. It was a very good night. We went out for breakfast at an all night diner. Just for old times sake I went after Tracie’s bacon. She grabbed the piece right out of my mouth, "You’re on my turf now. Back off the bacon, pretty boy!"

Julia went back to the hotel and stayed with Tracie. We heard them talking and laughing all night.

AJ and I laid awake, "So this is her turf, she knows how to get into the private clubs, and people know her."

"It would seem so. I keep trying to put things together, but it doesn’t fit yet."

AJ sat up, "I really don’t give a shit. I’m just nosy."

"Me too, and I get this feeling that something was really wrong."

"Yep."

The next morning we found a note under the door, "Hey guys, I have to meet someone this morning. I’ll be back here by one. Plenty of time before we need to leave. Good luck. I may just have to stop by somewhere and actually buy a copy of this CD of yours. Tracie"

All of us deal with stress differently. I clean. I cleaned a lot on this day. When Tracie got back I cleaned her room. She sat on the bed and watched, "This is how you deal with nerves? Can we go home, because my apartment needs cleaning in the worst way."

"Nothing is off limits is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You, me, all of us. We all tease each other." I was serious. I am one of those who needs to clarify what’s going on. I think too much. Worry too much. Take some things too seriously. I sat down on the end of her bed.

"Yeah. No, Kevin, nothing’s off limits. It’s been a long time since I’ve had guy girlfriends. I like it."

I laughed, "I don’t remember when I was a girlfriend last. Do I have to dress in drag for this gig?"

"Only if you want me to laugh at you."

"Aww, are you gonna be my fashion consultant?"

"No way, I don’t want that pressure. I’m just gonna laugh at you when your fashion consultant makes you look stupid. Or when you fuck up your hair."

"I’ll count on it." She smiled this smile that I have trouble describing. Sneaky, sexy, innocent all in one. "What?"

She crawled to the end of the bed, grabbed her purse and rolled onto her back next to me, "Look what I got." She held up a copy of our new CD.

"You bought it. You didn’t have to buy it. We’ll give you one." Her buying that meant a lot. I was fighting not to cry. I cry so damn easy.

She sat up beside me and hugged me, "Aww, Kevin. It’s good. It’s really good."

All I could say was "Thank you."

~*~AJ~*~  
TRL was crazy. People fucking everywhere. Kevin is asking fans to quiet down so we can hear. Nuts. We listened to parts of all the songs. The crowd liked it. Tracie would go thumbs up, thumbs down, or in between. She kept making faces at Nick and he would laugh for no apparent reason. He looked like an idiot. It was great. Pissed Pam off big. I liked that.

After this we went to a few music stores to see what sales had been like. Amazing. The managers kept telling us it was selling better than anything they’d ever seen. How high were we?

The party started earlier than expected. We went for dinner and just let go. All of us were trashed before we even hit the club. We had family and friends up. It was amazing. I keep using that word, but it was. The whole day was amazing. Except the Pam part. She got there and was in a bad mood. She flew coach. WE flew coach. Nick couldn’t pick her up, didn’t like that either. She glared all through dinner. She got drunk too. That was at least good.

~*~Nick~*~  
It was my fault. I should have planned better. I don’t think sometimes. I should have flown her in earlier so I could pick her up. I shouldn’t have been assing off with Tracie like that. I know that Pam is jealous of Tracie. I should have been more considerate.

~*~Tracie~*~  
It wasn’t Nick’s fault that Pam was a bitch. After she so nicely told me, "I didn’t think you’d still be around." I ignored her. Not worth my time. Kevin, AJ, and Brian heard her and apologized for her. It wasn’t needed. I was perfectly secure with my place in this circus. I got what I needed and if I needed more I would ask.

I was so proud and excited for them. I had no way to know what a huge phenomenon this was. All the crying girls, and the screaming. Girls staking out the hotel lobby. It was bizarre. As usual I just carried on and made my way through the zoo.

I enjoyed the party. Even more than other parties. This is going to sound bad, but part of it was about who they were. Not that it made a difference in how I related to them, but in the sense that I knew how important this was to them. I sat at the tables with them and watched all of their faces light up with every compliment and every well wish they received. I knew them as these five great guys. Friends of mine. The fact that I had no idea from being around them so much that they were famous (or about to be) was a big tribute to them. Very down to earth. So seeing this larger than life thing was excellent. Very humble and truly thankful. That was refreshing.

About ten I got a phone call. I’d been waiting for this one all day. Great timing. I’m sitting at a table with Kevin, AJ, Nick, and Pam. I tried to keep my part cryptic, which really wasn’t hard.

~*~AJ~*~  
I didn’t like this at all. Something was wrong. It wasn’t what she said, it’s what she wasn’t saying. The way her eyes went. Straight to the floor. That was wrong. It wasn’t a long phone call, just a minute or two, but it changed her mood. She sat there for a few minutes and tried to act like she was back into the party, but she wasn’t. Then she said she was going to the ladies room and headed that way.

"Fuck it!" I had looked at Nick and Kevin. All three of us had the same thoughts. I followed her right into the ladies room. Kevin and Nick were right behind me. Tracie was standing at the mirror, both hands on the sink with her eyes closed. "What is it?"

She looked over at the three of us, "First time in a ladies room or is this a habit?"

Nick laughed, "First for me."

Kevin shook his head, "Been here before."

I wasn’t as amused, "You know you need to tell someone." A woman came out of the stall and glared at us as she left. "It’s not like we could see you, sweetheart."

Tracie turned and scooted onto the vanity. She looked at the floor and we let her have the time to think. To figure out I was right. It didn’t take long. "My real job was in PR. I was working with a very low level politician and screwed up and fell in love with him. Ethically I couldn’t work for him anymore. A few months ago some things came out that were potentially damaging. They were sent to me as a mistake, should have gone to the new PR person. I turned it over to his family. I guess they didn’t trust me since I wasn’t employed by them anymore. So they had him offer me money to be quiet. I would have never said anything. That he actually offered me money killed me. I left. There were loose ends. That phone call was the end of it all, from the meeting this morning. I’m sorry it came in now."

I hugged her, "Don’t apologize."

Nick and Kevin took their turn with the hugs. We’re a very huggy group of men. Nick kissed her cheek, "It came at a great time. We were all around to be here for you."

She laughed and that sparkle came back, "Thank you. Let’s go party."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I know it’s not that bad, but it’s seedy, embarrassing, and I want to leave it behind. I am nothing if not trustworthy.

It’s also not the entire story.

We rejoined the party and I got to see something new and interesting. The mating behavior of the Backstreet Boys.

Brian was with Sara, and Nick was with Pam. Nothing there. Howie was in a small group of women dancing. Best I could tell he was checking out who had the best moves and using that as a sexual indicator. He moved from girl to girl. Looked like he was mingling. I knew better.

AJ took off to the bar to drink and flirt. I think I saw him lick someone. There’s a new technique. He disappeared into the crowd.

Kevin sat back and watched the crowd. After checking things out he approached one girl.

~*~AJ~*~  
I’m never quite sure if I’m going to party or if I’m out to get laid. Depends on my mood. Tonight I was in the mood to get laid. It starts the same. I drink, I flirt. I see who is drinking and flirting back. Nothing obvious. If she’s obvious she’s out for the notoriety and will tell everyone who will listen. If she flirts, but isn’t all over me she’s the one. Tonight there were a couple like that. It would take a while to narrow the field. Or maybe I’d take more than one. This job has it’s perks.

~*~Kevin~*~  
The day’s adrenaline had turned into me being horny as shit. And getting some strange at your CD release party is a perk of the job. I watched and waited until I found her. Pretty enough, and not too out in the middle of this. But with it enough to not be scared of me. I walked over and told her she looked very pretty and asked if she liked the CD. I don’t introduce myself, it’s not necessary. It didn’t take long to know she was willing to do whatever I wanted, something in the way she spoke.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I wasn’t gonna be left out of this one. I made eye contact with this hottie across the room. He came over and we talked for awhile. I’m not big on one nighters, but tonight was different. I needed to feel wanted. I realize the limitation of this. A quick fuck with a stranger gives a little boost as long as you realize it’s not real. I know it’s not real. I just wanted the attention, and to get off. He served his purpose.


	5. Chapter 5

~*~Kevin~*~  
Bad thing about sharing a room with one of the other guys. If you’re late you may not have a place to sleep. AJ was ‘busy’. While I was satisfying myself at the party, AJ took guests to the hotel. Howie wasn’t alone either. Time to test a friendship.

"Are you alone?"

"Yes."  
"Can I crash. All other rooms are occupied." I used my sweetest face.

Tracie laughed at me and moved to the side so I could come in. "Of course. Why aren’t you . . . celebrating?"

"I’m done celebrating." I sat down on the couch and we talked for a long time about the party and the day. I thanked her again for buying the CD. That was cool. Actually AJ had a copy for her that we all wrote dirty things in. She’ll still get that one. It got silent for a minute. I decided that since I was already pushing the boundaries of our friendship, "That wasn’t the whole story was it?"

"It was the high points." She shrugged as she came over to the couch and sat at the end, stretching her feet out toward me.

I figured her moving was a clue that she really needed a friend to know whatever had happened. I used AJ’s line from earlier since it had worked. "You need to tell someone. Might as well be me."

"Why you?" Her sad smile yanked at my heart.

I smiled and pulled on her big toe, "Because I’m asking."

She couldn’t fight that logic. Like before she took a few seconds and a deep breath. "We were engaged. It killed me that he didn’t trust me and let his family talk him into paying me off. We got into a big fight and I walked out. A day later an even bigger offer came. I decided that even though I’d never have said anything I was going to take the money and start over. It didn’t matter that if in their mind that confirmed that I wasn’t trustworthy, because I knew I’d never go back. Trust is the most important thing to me. I never did anything to deserve the way he was treating me."

Tracie wiped away a few tears and I took her hand, "Trace . . . it got ugly didn’t it?" Some sick feeling in the pit of my stomach told me there was more. She didn’t answer, she just looked at me almost angry. "Did he hit you?"

She shook her head, "Never before that night. I’m not some poster girl for abuse victims, but that’s why I took their offer. I wanted his sorry ass to pay. They want such big things for him and they’ll make it happen. But I won’t be walked over. I don’t give a shit who you are. And damn you, Kevin. I didn’t want anyone to know this shit."

I moved her legs out of the way and pulled her into my arms. Not sure if I needed to do it more than she needed it done, "I don’t know anything." I hate crying women. Rips my heart out. I held her just long enough before went back to my side of the couch stretching my legs out across to her.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I stretched out again too, our legs side by side as we faced each other. He was right, I did need someone to know. Just one person who knew the truth. One person I could trust and talk too, who knew me. "Where is Michelle?"

He winced, "Broke up. Not working."

"Oh, I’m sorry." He waved it off. "So . . . did you make some girls dream come true tonight?"

I could see him thinking about his answer or if he was going to answer, "Only if her dream was to suck me off in the men’s room."

I was a little surprised he answered. "I think that would qualify as a dream. Anyway she could get you."

"And did you make some young man’s dream come true, beautiful lady?"

"I think he was a little surprised when I kicked him out afterward."

He laughed with me, "You’re supposed to want him to stay and cuddle."

"Sorry. It was a fuck. Cuddling is reserved for love, or at least the possibility of it."

"Are you sure you’re not really a guy?"

I looked down my shirt, "Positive. I needed that release. I’m sure you understand."

"All too well. Something is better than nothing sometimes."

"Absolutely and after the phone calls and shit I needed to not be alone for a few minutes. I could have come to one of you, but that would have meant telling the rest of the story." I glared at him, “Which I didn’t want to do.” I meant for a hug, to chase away the loneliness. He went another way.

He tickled my foot, "Nope, then you would have been stuck cuddling with one of us because I know we all love you."

I was back to hating him again. Damn man. "Thank you. I needed that."

"Thought you might. It is true though."

This would be the first of many nights that Kevin and I fell asleep talking on the couch.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I moved her to the bed sometime around dawn and went back to the couch. I couldn’t sleep. It had been one hell of a day and I couldn’t stop my mind. I couldn’t believe the conversation Tracie and I had. It’s not like all of us hadn’t gotten into some more than surface conversations, but this was really the first time she’d given anything on what she was doing in Orlando. And this is the first time it’s been this one on one.

She woke up about nine, "Good morning."

I looked over from my spot on the couch, "Hey." Oh fuck, it was awkward morning silence time and we hadn’t even fucked. Although our conversation was a lot more personal than the blow job I got last night and I’d bet more personal than her getting laid. I wasn’t gonna have it. I jumped into the middle of her bed coming damn close to landing on her, "We’re not gonna do this. We shared some secrets last night. I liked it. You’re still my guyfriend, and I’m your girlfriend. I’m not gonna run back and tell the guys the rest of the story and I don’t think any less of you because you fucked a stranger."

There was that smile, "Like you said yesterday nothing’s gonna be off limits, and it’s ok."

"I think I’d prefer it that way."

"Me too."

"So how much money did you get?"

"Six figures. Upper six figures."

"Shit, Tracie! Was the information that good?"

"Not at all. They offered me like 100,000 to not tell the information. They didn’t want me pressing assault charges. All he did was smack me. Didn’t even leave a mark. Hurt my feelings much more that anything physical. They’re stupid. I told them that when I was working for them. They make things much bigger problems than there ever were and called more attention by their evasion than the issue ever would. It’s like people will forgive an infidelity, but they won’t forgive murdering the woman to cover up the infidelity. Remember this as your career starts to take off."

"I’m not planning on murdering anyone."

"Glad to hear it."

We ordered some room service and were laughing when there was a knock at the door. AJ looking for me. I shoved the last of my toast in my mouth and took off. Some meeting. I got in the van with the rest of them. Howie laughed, "So where did you sleep last night, Train."

"Since you all were getting laid I went to the only free room."

"And did you get laid?"

I laughed, "Yes, but not by Tracie."

"You’d tell us wouldn’t you? I mean she’s our friend. Don’t fuck that up."

"No problem. She’s my friend too."

I expected as much. Not like I have the best reputation for keeping it in my pants.


	6. Chapter 6

~*~Tracie~*~  
I felt . . . relieved . . . going home again. Kevin had been right. I needed to talk about that more than I realized. It was amazing to me how much lighter I felt having told him and I’m sure knowing that it was finally over didn’t hurt. The last of the money was in my account. First thing I did was get rid of the cheap ass couch I’d bought when I first got here and bought a huge comfy thing. There’s nothing better than a big comfy couch for watching TV and eating popcorn or ice cream.

I went back to my cushy little job being a lifeguard. Cushy compared to the PR thing. Let’s face it, in the short term I didn’t need the job, but it was good way to justify getting an awesome tan. One of the guys came by most everyday. We spent most weekends together partying at someone’s house. Kevin and I talked every day. Maybe just for 2 minutes. It was almost a month later when it was party weekend at Kevin’s house and he came by the pool that Thursday.

He had been seeing a new girl, Jessica. I hadn’t met her, "Is Jessica coming to the party?"

"Nope, she’s going home to visit her family this weekend. Great timing. I wanted you to meet her." We ate lunch and did our normal chit chat and making fun of people, "Hey, why don’t you just bring your stuff and stay the weekend at my place. It’s stupid for you to go home for a few hours then come back. I’ve got the room."

"Ah, slumber party at my girlfriend’s house. Can we eat ice cream and drink hot chocolate?"

"No. We can drink tequila and eat bacon when we get the munchies though."

"Even better!"

~*~AJ~*~  
Excellent party at Kevin’s house. I love parties there because there are no parents and we all just pass out anywhere we want. I love my mom, but drunk with your mom there doesn’t work for me. Howie still lives at home too.

I picked Tracie up on my way there. I was pretty determined that we were all gonna get out of our minds tonight. The tour started soon. We had to get in shape. We were greeted at the door by the host in a Hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat. The only thing redeeming him was the fact that he had a tray full of shot glasses. I took two.

Tracie looked at him, "Remember when I promised to tell you when you look stupid? You look stupid."

He took her empty glass and gave her a new one, "Drink more. This shirt is fucked up when you’re loaded." She took his word for it. He put an arm around her and they headed toward the deck.

Those two had become closer since New York. I asked him about it a few days before the party. He said they had stayed up all night talking. He denied it was anything sexual and I had to admit that they didn’t act like they’d fucked. Kevin had a new date, hadn’t seen her though. He went through "new dates" a lot.

Oh yippee, Pam is here.

~*~Nick~*~  
Pam surprised me with an unexpected visit. She comes in every other weekend. This was an off weekend, but as I was leaving for Kevin’s she came through the front door. She was in a great mood. We hadn’t had a fight since New York. She had gotten mad because I’d followed Tracie into the bathroom. I explained to her that she was just a friend and we were worried about her. Tracie didn’t have friends or family in Orlando except for us. We’d all made a sort of deal that she was one of the family. That’s the way we worked. The five of us were brothers and we had some good friends who were part of our family. Family was everything to us. Pam wasn’t family to everyone. They didn’t understand her. They didn’t know her the way I did. She wasn’t excited about the party at Kevin’s, but she didn’t argue about it.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I love a houseful of friends. It’s the best thing in the world. AJ left about nine, said he was going to pick up a new friend. He came back with a girl, Lee. A few friends, Tracie and I were sitting around the table outside and he brought her over, "Everyone, this is Lee. Lee this is everyone."

We had been playing quarters, yes quarters, and we were drunk. "Hellee, Low!"

Tracie cackled and smacked my head, "That’s hello Lee, shitfaced."

"I am not shitfaced, TC. I’m drunky poo."

AJ shook his head, "Lee, this is drunky poo and TC."

Tracie had this annoying habit of sobering up suddenly, "I’m Tracie and this is Kevin. That is Mark, Brent, and Anne. Nick to meet you."

"That’s nice to meet you, TC."

"Thank you, drunky poo."

Lee sat down. She wasn’t especially AJ’s type either. Shoulder length dark blonde hair, green eyes, a little taller than Tracie, and about the same size. "I think I’m behind, where’s the booze."

Tracie and looked at each other and smiled. I reached between us and pulled out our bottle of tequila. We had decided to off that sucker tonight, "We’ll share." We poured four shots. We liked to have one on standby, "All for you." She did them all. The whole table stood up and applauded her.

"I’ll catch up quick."

The other guys headed over to see what was up. I looked at AJ then Lee, "So how do you know our AJ? I believe the last woman he brought to us was a lifeguard."

AJ sat down in Tracie’s lap and took her shot, "That she was. A hot little bikini wearing lifeguard."

Tracie smiled and kissed him, "Thank you, JA." They wrapped around each other and sat there.

"That’s AJ, TC."

"Thank you, drunky poo."

"Lee works for a foundation here in Orlando trying to keep music in the schools. Looks like VH1 is gonna hook up with them." AJ took my shot this time.

Lee shook her head, "I set up fundraisers."

Howie perked up, "Ah ha! Professional party planner! Excellent, we don’t have one of those."

Tracie laughed, "Don’t let them fool you. You’ve been brought in to diversify the gene pool in the commune. AJ is in charge of genetic research and acquisition. His unique body coloring is a result of a bad genetic mix."

AJ laughed, "This also explains drunky poo’s eyebrows, D’s wink, Nick’s ass, Brian’s height, and TC’s unusually small breasts."

Nick spoke before he thought, "Her breasts aren’t small." Pam stormed off. This was a habit. Instead of fighting it out she walked out and got him good and worried. She’d go back to his house and pout for a few hours. Nick was drunk enough he didn’t notice. Later I would tell him that she went home to sleep a few hours ago. It didn’t really matter. She’d be just as pissy either way. At least my way Nick got to have some fun.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I liked Lee already. That gut instinct thing. I don’t like a lot of women. Catty and bitchy. Ok, so I was pretty catty and bitchy too, but it’s a special friendship when two women can be catty and bitchy together and not to each other. AJ stayed in my lap and we kept on playing quarters. "Ok, I gotta take a whiz. Party in my room in fifteen."

People spread out. Lee and I stayed sitting, "Shit, I’m drunk."

"I’m sobering up." I laughed.

"What’s he talking about, party in his room?"

"People will get stoned."

She shook her head, "Can I come?"

"Absolutely. Let’s go." We walked into the house and I gave her a tour.

"This is beautiful. How long have you and Kevin been together?"

I burst out laughing, "We’re not together."

"Oh, I’m sorry. I just thought . . out there."

"Na, just friends." I thought for a second, "He’s my best friend." I hadn’t tried to define Kevin before.

"Cool. I always liked having guy girlfriends." I knew I liked her.

They had started without us, "I brought our new friend and you all are rude as shit and start without us."

Brian took a hit, "Your problem, you’re late."

I took it away from him, "Thank you, baby." I hit it, then handed it off to Lee, "Guests first."

Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap, he still held his breath as he spoke, "You went before her."

"Details." I laid my head on his shoulder and waited our turn.

"The rain must never fall till after sundown, by dawn the morning fog must disappear. And there’s a legal limit to the snow here, in Camelot." I was singing. Bad habit of mine when stoned. Singing bizarre things.

Nick and Kevin joined it and we butchered the song quite nicely. Lee was laughing on the bed with AJ and Brian. Howie sat quietly shaking his head. The three of us couldn’t stop laughing. Nick had tears streaming down his face, "God, I love you guys. I love you too, Tracie."

"Awww, I feel so special. I love you too, Nick." We hugged.

Kevin was never one to miss out on hugs, "I love you too."

"I love Kevlyn too."

They both sat back, "Who the fuck is Kevlyn?"


	7. Chapter 7

~*~Kevin~*~  
Things quieted down a pretty soon after. Most everyone left. AJ and Nick crashed out in what AJ called "his room". Howie and Brian went on home and took Lee to her place. Tracie helped me start cleaning up the mess. We made it five minutes before we both looked at each other, "Damn, I’m hungry!"

We raced into the kitchen and started rooting around. Tracie screamed, "Ah ha! I must have this! Bake me brownies, Kevlyn."

"Are you PMSing too?" Look, crossed another one of those lines didn’t? Screw it.

"If I say yes will I get brownies?"

I took the box from her, "Get the eggs." She kissed my cheek then went to the fridge. Somehow we managed to turn powder into batter. "How long do these cook?"

She looked at me laughing, "Thirty minutes. Shit!"

"Shit is right!" I couldn’t make it thirty minutes. No way. I grabbed two spoons, the bowl, and her hand. I dropped onto the couch and handed her the spoon.

"Oh yum, oh yeah. That’s good. Yummy! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"You dropped some. Don’t waste it." Both of us were shoveling those brownies. "Why ever bake these again?"

"No reason I can think of." We leaned against each other and laughed ourselves silly. When we finished those off we took to our opposing sides of the couch and stretched out. "Here we are again."

"Four am couch chats. Kinda cool."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I loved this. He had this far away look all of a sudden, like he was upset about something. "Kev, is something wrong?"

"I don’t know. I like her. But she’s a little distant. Sometimes I feel invisible, other times not at all. Hard to explain."

I laughed, "She’s playing hard to get."

He frown and quirked an eyebrow, "Tracie, she wasn’t hard to get."

I sighed, "I don’t mean hard to fuck. I mean hard to get. She wants to keep you interested. Old ploy. Playing hard to fuck wouldn’t work with you. You’d be outta there."

"Damn right. God, that sounds horrible." He dropped his head into his hands. "If the rest was there I wouldn’t mind the wait. I’ve waited before. But I haven’t found everything in a long time."

I found it incredibly endearing that he got all soft and knew there was a difference. And which he wanted. "Don’t apologize to me. I wouldn’t be in your position for anything. You can have anything you want, except reality."

"I get reality from a handful of friends. You included."

"I know. I feel bad for you all sometimes. That was one of the things about dating a politician that sucked. No reality. Spin it all to make it look like the polls say it should. I see him every now and then on something or on the news. Still spinning his way through the muck. Leaving was a good decision on so many levels."

"So what do you want now? Men, love, relationships?" He had this way of cutting to the chase and being painfully direct.

"Right now I’m content to date casually. I go out, have some fun, have sex if I’m in the mood, stop seeing him when it’s not what I want anymore. Much like you, I believe." I smiled, knowing him well.

"Yeah, I want more though. This won’t last forever. I’ll enjoy it while it’s here and keep my eyes open for my reality. Wife, kids, family, porch swings."

"Always a country boy.” We shared a smile. “I didn’t say I don’t want more, but until then. You’re leaving on tour in a few weeks and I know you’ll be taking advantage of those perks. You won’t find more in a blow job from a groupie in the men’s room. But until then, why the hell not."

"Sometimes I wish I had a little more control. There’s nothing to do sometimes and I get horny. And it’s not like they don’t get off on it. I’m just careful. Discrete. Shit! I can’t believe we’re talking about this."

We both laughed, "I’m gonna miss this while we’re gone. You have to come out when you can. Not like you need that job."

"Which is exactly why I have that job. It’s disposable. If they don’t let me do what I want I’m gone. I like that freedom. I’m not ready to give that up. For a job or for a man."

We talked until dawn. Some serious, some just goofing off. I would miss him. I’d gotten used to all of them being around, but like I’d told Lee he was my best friend. He knew things without me even telling him.

~*~AJ~*~  
Knocked out on the couch. Again. I think I’m jealous.

We headed out and went shopping. Kevin got this huge frigging suitcase for the tour. He could pack Tracie in that thing. We needed snacks. Ate Kevin’s whole kitchen last night. They told me about the brownies and I nearly vomited.

I called Lee. She was hungover, but would be ready when we got there. Good woman. I also called this girl I was going out with, Angela, and invited her over. She was going to get me on a Saturday night, that’s pretty good.

Lee looked over, "Are you always pigs? And I mean that with all possible love."

Tracie laughed, "It’s amazingly refreshing to get the inside view on pigdom though. I think of them as opportunistic."

I needed to explain. "I’m not a pig. I just don’t want to waste my time. I don’t know if she’ll be fun out yet. And I’m not letting anyone ruin my good time. If they can’t play nice they need to go the hell away."

"Like that Pam chick?" Lee was a little perceptive. The three of us were dead silent. "Hit a nerve there."

Kevin rubbed his face, "We don’t get it."

"When you asked him what did he say?"

I jumped in, "It’s his fault."

"That’s ooky."

"Ok, I love that word."

When we got back to Kevin’s Nick was already there. Drunk. "She left, went back home. I fucked up again. Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?"

"What exactly did you say that was so wrong?" Kevin said dryly.

"I know better than to say anything about another woman in front of her. I makes her insecure."

I couldn’t help it, "Breathing makes Pam insecure." Tracie hit me. "Well, it does!"

"But I am her boyfriend. I know this and I should be more careful."

Tracie sat down beside him, "Nick, what are you gonna do while you guys are on tour? Kevin told me that there are always pictures and rumors. You can’t control that. How is she gonna deal with that?"

"I’ll just have to be careful. Watch myself." He passed out.

Kevin and I hauled him upstairs, "When the fuck will he see it’s not him? It’s her. And when the fuck did he get so heavy."

Kevin and I went for booze and picked up Angela. When we got back Tracie and Lee had dumped a bunch of snacks in bowls and had arranged things. There were a few people there. We were cooking out. In my usual style I walked in talking, "Wow, look how domesticated they are."

Tracie walked over and . . . well . . she put a death grip on my cock. Looked me straight in the eye, "What was that?"

I looked down, "That kinda feels good there, Trace." She tightened her grip, "Ok, you win. I’m a pig."

She let go and slowly stroked the crotch of my jeans, "Much better."

I closed my eyes, "It’s getting better." She walked off. Damn woman. Here’s a good thing. Angela walked over and kissed me and told me I deserved that. Yep, she can have this Saturday night.

~*~Kevin~*~  
AJ got laid. Early and often. I didn’t. Things with Michelle weren’t perfect, but at least she was around. So far Jessica wasn’t around much. Tracie had a date tonight too. Some guy she’d gone out with two or three times. He wouldn’t be around long. He was good looking, but lacked substance. It was kind of fun to watch her play with him. He didn’t even realize it. I may be a pig, but she’s a spider. I wouldn’t be surprised if she bit his head off after she fucked him. And I do mean after she fucked him, but he’d think he fucked her. Idiot. I doubt anyone had ever fucked her, unless she let him. Then it’s not really the same thing is it?


	8. Chapter 8

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica and I spent most of the next week together. She was a college student working on her MBA and had the summer off. I watched for what Tracie had said. I saw it. I hate games. I did like her though.

Saturday night instead of taking her back to my house for sex I took her home. I stopped the car and looked at her, "I hate games. No one ever wins. I like you and I like fucking you. If you want to keep me around, stop playing hard to get and just do it. If it’s gonna work, it’s gonna work. But if you keep playing me I’m gone." I kissed her hard, "Think about it. Come over tomorrow afternoon if you want to stop playing, if not don’t come." I leaned over her and opened the door.

It was three am when I knocked on Tracie’s door. She wore a t-shirt, shorts, and "Bunny slippers?"

She put her hand on a cocked out hip, "I think sometimes you forget I’m a girl."

I pulled out the front of her t-shirt and looked down it, "Nope, it’s the breasts." I sat down on her couch, "They’re nice."

"Thank you."

"This is the weirdest relationship I’ve ever had with a girl. I talk to you like one of the guys, but you give me the woman’s insight. Have I said thanks for that lately?" She shook her head, "Thanks. I busted Jessica tonight. I saw the games and told her to cut that shit out if she wanted me to hang around. Told her I like her and I like fucking her, but no more games."

Tracie winced, "You are nothing if not direct." I cocked an eyebrow, "I know, I know. Hello pot, this is kettle. It seems to work for us. I wonder how she’ll hold up under the strain."

"We’ll see. Speaking of fucking, where is the boytoy?"

She made a pair of scissors out of her fingers, "Cut him loose. He wasn’t direct enough. I tried to help, but he couldn’t do it."

"Gotta go then. You need more than that."

"Speaking of more than that . . . Nick."

I sunk into the couch, "That boy. He can’t not see this as about him. Pure example of thinking too much with your heart and kicking your brain out."

"Or thinking with your dick. Which I’m sure you’ve never done."

"Only once or twice and hour. I think my dick is smarter than his though. It’s been nearly chopped off a few times. This is his first ball buster. A man’s gotta get castrated once before he learns."

"Ah, the visual you’ve inspired. Wouldn’t it be nice if people could just talk and be honest about what they expect from each other and not take every thing so damn personal?"

"Like us?"

"Absolutely! We slam the shit out of each other, but you know I love you, Kevlyn." She came across the couch to hug me.

I kissed the top of her head, "Yeah, I love you too, Trace." We fell asleep like that.

I went home after lunch on Sunday. Jessica showed up around three. I let her in and she turned around and dropped her dress onto the floor, "No more games, I promise." Something about a woman completely giving herself to me really does it for me. Takes a strong woman to do that. Or one of those weak whiney ones who never get anywhere with me.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Finally we all get to meet Jessica. It’s their last weekend here and she has condescended to come to a party. At his house. I sound jealous. Yuck.

I asked Lee to pick me up and went ahead and had a drink. Just in case. She came into my apartment and pulled a joint out of her purse. I love her, "I figured meeting the girlfriend called for some herbal assistance."

"Oh god, I hate that I feel jealous."

"He’s your best friend. She could fuck with that. If she does we’ll get rid of her, but it would be easier for everyone if she realized her place is behind you."

To my surprise I liked Jessica. Which means I would allow her to live. She didn’t try to just jump into things with any of us, but she didn’t pout in the background either. She watched to find out what was going on then joined in letting us get to know her. I think she realized who I was in the grand scheme of things. She didn’t kiss my ass, but she didn’t try to wedge me out either. Smart girl. And I liked Kevin around her. He was attentive, but didn’t fetch for her. I would smack him down if he turned into a weaker version of himself for her. Like Nick.

~*~AJ~*~  
This shit made me nervous. It was like watching two lionesses sizing each other up seeing who got to eat the zebra. Only in this case, the zebra was getting off on it. The new lioness did the smart thing and took the submissive position and called a truce. I think this disarmed the dominant lioness and she’d let her have the parts of the zebra she had no use for. One day I’d like to be a zebra.


	9. Chapter 9

~*~Kevin~*~  
I got up in the middle of the night and went in search of my best friend. She was sitting on the deck laughing with Lee. "Morning ladies."

Lee looked over, "Nice hair." I reached up and felt the odd angles I was experiencing.

"Leave him alone. Sex does that to your hair."

I kissed her head, "Thank you."

"I’ll always stick up for you in front others, Kevlyn."

Lee stood up and stretched, "I’m outta here. I have to work tomorrow. Kevin, excellent party. Good luck on the tour." She hugged me and headed out.

I sat down in her chair, "Two weeks of rehearsal then tour. I’m excited, and scared shitless."

Tracie propped her feet in my lap, "It’s mostly sold out. That’s amazing. You’ll be ready. You’ll be great. CD’s number one. Everything’s perfect."

"It’ll be good." I rubbed her feet, "Let’s go find a couch." We took our normal positions at either end. "What do you think of Jessica?"

"I like her. She seems nice, and so far I like you with her. Are you in love with her?"

"Fuck, Trace! I didn’t see that one coming." 

"Part of the service I offer."

I had to think for a minute, "No. I could be, but not right now." More thinking, "Yeah, I could be. She’s good, and since I backed her down about the game playing I haven’t seen anymore of that."

"Good, I want you to be happy." She yanked on my toe.

I did the same thing, "I want you to be happy too." This had just gotten really fucking weird. Like we were saying good-bye or something.

"This has just gotten really fucking weird."

I busted out laughing, "I was just thinking that. What’s going on with us?"

Tracie closed her eyes and scrunched up her face then opened one eye to look at me, "I got jealous before coming over here tonight."

"You got jealous? About me?" I was teasing her. That was funny.

She groaned, "I hate this. I hate admitting this."

"You’re serious!" I sat up, "Why?"

She rolled her eyes, "That Jessica would get all my time, that you’d be following her around like some lovesick puppy, and she wouldn’t let you play with me anymore. Eww, god. Yuck." She bent over and buried her face in her arms on the couch.

I pushed her up and took her face in my hands, noticing for the first time how small her face was, "No way. You’re my best friend and I love you. Family. You always come first. You just happen to be a woman. If Jessica can’t deal with that she goes. I can always find another girlfriend. I can’t replace what you are to me." I hugged her, "Oh shit, you really are a woman. Complete with all those girly emotions. If you and Jessica PMS at the same time I’m toast."

"I’m gonna talk to her and we’ll synchronize our birth control pills."

"Just make sure you’re the one who adjusts, I don’t want to be cut off."

"Oh no, we couldn’t have that. I’ll just get knocked up by the boyfriend of some groupie your getting a blow job from. Don’t worry about me."

"I always have condoms. Just ask." Whew! Back to normal.

~*~Jessica~*~  
He makes love to me then goes downstairs and sleeps with her on the couch? I’m not sure that’s not too far. That’s fine that he has a "girl guy friend" as he calls her and I can leave that alone. She was a lot of fun at the party and I’ve heard nothing but good things about her. The other guys like her. But sleeping together is cutting into my territory. Especially the night before he leaves. 

Everyone went to see them off at the airport. When they called for their plane he turned and kissed me, "I’ll see you in two weeks. First night of the tour."

We’d talked about this I couldn’t do opening night, "Second night remember?"

"Oh yeah, that’s right. I’ll call you tomorrow." One more kiss and hug.

He went over and waited for AJ to stop slobbering all over her. He handed her a key, "You should just stay over there."

"I might. You have better cable than I do."

"I’m serious, Tracie, make yourself at home." She nodded. They hugged and kissed. "I’ll talk to you later, I love you."

"I love you too. Be careful, guys."

They got on the plane and she came over, "Let’s go get something to eat. While he’s away we need to rearrange all his drawers. That’ll be fun."

We had a nice lunch and got to know each other. She was full of stories about the guys and seemed to be trying to make me feel welcome, comfortable. I laughed and did have fun, but I don’t know if I trust her. Why would she want to be just his friend? Have they slept together and it didn’t work out? Is she into girls? This doesn’t make any sense.

~*~Tracie~*~  
That little voice is talking to me. I’ll be watching. Don’t fuck with my reality.

I went out the next week to watch rehearsal. They were getting it down and it was looking good. They were doing my fave song. Excellent. Loved the choreography. A little sexual aggression is always a good thing. I stayed through the first night of the tour. Talk about a fucking party. I think they were a lethal combination of terrified and excited. They all five exploded after the show. We took over some club and nearly drank them out of booze. Kevin deposited himself next to me in a booth. I recognized the look in his eyes, "Good blow job?"

He laughed, "Is there such thing as a bad blow job?"

"Teeth."

"Ok, point taken. Yes, pretty good. I’ll be going back for more in a few minutes. Maybe get a piece of ass this time." He put an arm around me, "I’m so glad you were here. Thanks. I love you."

"I loved the show. Proud of you."

He gave me a stupid drunk grin, "But do you love me?"

"Of course, I love you."

"Good, dance with me." I love him, but his dancing scares me. Dancing didn’t last long before he stopped and grabbed onto my shoulders, "Oh lord, the room she is a spinning."

I was hysterical, "Now, I’ll be dragging your butt to your room?"

"Why aren’t you drunk?"

"I am drunk. You’re uber-drunk." I hauled him upstairs and got him in his room just in time for the first wave to hit.

He came out of the bathroom and laid his head in my lap, "Make the room stop spinning."

"Put one foot on the ground, it’ll stop."

"Thank you."

"Hey, did you know you have like no rhythm?"

"I can dance."

"Sure you can. Choreographed, counted off things." I was hysterical again, "Do you have to count during sex?"

"Do you think it would make it better?"


	10. Chapter 10

~*~Tracie~*~  
The next night was in Orlando. They could all sleep at home. The guys went straight to the arena and did a quick rehearsal, brushing up on things that weren’t perfect last night. Lee and I hooked up and headed over. Jessica was there and Kevin looked happy. I was glad. I had talked to her once or twice in the time since they had left. I wanted this to work for him if it’s what he wanted. She looked very pretty tonight and he looked very proud with her beside him. It was a good look on him. We went and took a seat up where the lighting boards were. Lee looked over, "You ok?"

"Yeah, I’m fine" She and I had become good friends in the guys absence and I knew what she was talking about, "No jealousy at all. Thank god, that left. That didn’t make any sense."

"Of course it went away. He told you that you win. She needs to remember that. You don’t come between friends."

The fun was over. Pam joined us. She got a little tense with all the "I love you, Nick" signs. I think the "Marry Me, Nick" got her worst. I looked at Lee and we exchanged a knowing look. That would never happen. I knew the guys were working on Nick to see what was really going on. They had to be careful or he’d shut them out thinking they didn’t like her. It wasn’t about not liking her, it was about not liking her with him. Ok, they didn’t like her. Her playing hell on his self esteem wasn’t good for the group and wasn’t good for Nick. I watched him bend over backwards trying to make her happy, coming up with things to give her, to do for her. None of it mattered. Like tossing dust bunnies into the Grand Canyon, ain’t never gonna fill that sucker up. Angela and Jessica joined us too. I watched Jessica watching Kevin. Yep, she was in love with him.

~*~Lee~*~  
It’s nice to be just a little on the outside. I wasn’t really attached to any of the guys. I was closest with Tracie and that put me just one step back. I hadn’t been around that long either. But I was watching. I wondered if anyone else besides me saw what was going on.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I skipped the party tonight. Jessica and I went back to my house and I opened a bottle of wine. We sat and talked and drank our wine. Then quickly moved onto kissing and took it up to the bedroom. I wanted to be inside her. Bad. I was moving fast in that direction. She pushed me away, "Kev, slow down. Let’s take our time."

I growled as I kissed along her neck, "I don’t want to take my time. I want you now. It’s been over two weeks since we’ve been together."

"My poor, baby, two weeks with no sex and you lose your patience?"

"Uhm . . ." I was silent. I wasn’t a liar.

"Kevin?"  
Let’s try diversion, "I want you, Jess."

She sat up. Damn. "Kevin?"

I was busted. No, I wasn’t busted. I hadn’t promised anything. Best way to do this was directly. "I have had sex since in the last two weeks."

"You what?" 

This wasn’t looking good for me. "Jess, we didn’t talk about . . ." That was all I got out before she was out of the bed, in her clothes, and out the door. I just sat there. Naked. Alone.

It was four in the morning when I knocked on Tracie’s door, "Hey."

She was half asleep, "Shouldn’t you be in some sort of post orgasmic bliss about now?"

"She walked out on me."

"Ouch, come on in." 

I walked past her toward the couch. From the direction of her bedroom I heard, "Tracie, is everything ok?"

"Yeah, it’s fine. Go back to sleep. It’s my best friend Kevin."

"Sorry, I’m interrupting." I headed back toward the door/ This isn’t my night.

"Nonsense." She grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the couch, "What happened?"

"Evidently, I wasn’t supposed to be having sex while we weren’t together. A fact that no one had told me about. So I just did what I do."

Tracie squeezed her eyes shut, "And Jessica walked on you."

"Mid-sex." She was laughing, "It wasn’t funny."

"The mid-sex part is. The walking out part isn’t. I’m sorry."

"What the hell is that about?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Oh come on Kevin, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want a girlfriend, the groupie sex has to stop. Unless she’s amazing and willing to put up with that."

I was pissed, "Well, then why the fuck didn’t she say something. I can’t read minds. I thought things were fine. I swear, women need to tell you what they want. If she would have said something, no problem."

"I agree, but all of us don’t do that. And you are a little difficult."

"Difficult? I’m not difficult." More eye rolling. "And stop fucking rolling your eyes at me!"

"Stop fucking yelling at me. You are difficult. You’re stubborn, controlling, and you get pissy quick. And you scratch your dick all the time. It’s not going anywhere, stop checking!"

"Look who’s talking. You’re the damn poster girl for stubborn, controlling, and pissy. And balls itch." I was in her face.

~*~Tracie~*~  
This had just gotten ridiculous and I started laughing. I fell back on the couch and was howling. Kevin was looking at me like I’d lost my mind. "We’re sitting here at four am yelling at each other about your extra curricular sexual behavior and your balls itching."

"Oh god, I’m sorry." He grabbed me and hugged me. He backed away and cringed, "Jess and I should have talked about this."

"So you fix it now. Go to her and work it out. You looked happy tonight with her. If you want her, go fix it."

He smirked at me and kissed me, "You’re right. I’m gonna go fix it. Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too. Night."

With that he was out the door. I went back to bed. Scott was awake, "Everything ok?"

"Yeah, we have a deal, nothing is off limits. Time is irrelevant. I hope you can understand." I did hope he could understand. I kind of liked him. He was fun, he could carry on a conversation, and he was good in bed.

"It’s cool. I wish I had a friend like that. Lucky guy. Come on back to bed, Tracie. I’m not done with you yet." He got to stay the night.


	11. Chapter 11

~*~Kevin~*~  
I called Tracie as soon as the buses pulled out for the next town, "Is he gone?"

"Yes, about an hour ago?"

"No way, you let him stay the night?" This was a first.

"Yep! We were pretty busy all night. And this morning."

"And his response to me?"

"Said you were a lucky guy, then fucked me." She was laughing evilly.

I was gonna test a theory, "Did he fuck you? I mean really fuck you. Not you let him fuck you."

"You’ve lost me, Kevlyn."

"Did he take control and fuck you."

"Please, I’m as bad with control as you are. I let him fuck me."

"Thought so. Oh, just so you know, I am a faithful boyfriend." I was happy about this.

"Very good, congratulations!"

I told her the whole story. I went over to Jessica’s apartment. She opened the door wrapped in a robe, holding a Kleenex, crying. I took her inside and sat her down. I explained that I do take advantage of what’s offered when we’re on tour. I’m sorry if that hurt her. It wasn’t meant to. If she wanted a different arrangement, didn’t want me fucking around, she had to tell me. Then we’d talk about it. She wanted information about this whole sex thing. I told her that I do have one nighters and all the things you hear about, but I do not lie. Everyone involved knows what it is. I don’t make promises to call. They get me for a few hours then I’m gone. She said she wouldn’t sleep with me if I was fucking around. I wasn’t rescuing her. If she wanted me to be monogamous she was gonna have to say. I’d do it. No problem. But she needs to learn to ask me for what she wants. I’m not playing that game shit where she says what she doesn’t want and I make it all better. I simply said that I understood. She asked if I was going to stop. I said she needed to stop playing games and ask for what she wanted.

Finally she did. I don’t play games. I don’t lie. And I don’t cheat.

Tracie and I talked for a little longer then did our normal "I love yous" and hung up. I sat there thinking over the whole conversation. 

Damnit, now I’m jealous.

~*~Jessica~*~  
Tracie called me and asked me out to lunch. I agreed. I want to keep an eye on her. What she’s up to. I asked her if she knew about the fight Kevin and I had. She said she did. I know I looked pissed. She explained that they don’t have any secrets and talk about everything. It’s just a thing with them, has been for a long time. I said that was fine, I was glad that he had such a good friend, and put on my happy face. Complete bullshit. She’s just waiting for her opportunity. Pretending to be just his friend. I’ve played that game before too. I would win this one. The prize was too good.

Kevin and I talked everyday. If he didn’t call me, I called him. He didn’t have time to fuck anyone.

We’d talk about his schedule and I’d make notes and call during down time. Just to be sure. Sometimes he’d have to call me back because he was talking to her. I’m getting damn tired of being second.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Lee came over for dinner, "And how was lunch with Jessica?" I told her the conversation. She popped a cashew in her mouth, "You don’t trust her."

I just got a funny vibe from her. Why can’t we all just peacefully co-exist?

I went out with Scott a few times over the next weeks. He was fine on the week I was heading out to be with the guys. He wanted to meet them when they got back. I assured him he would. There would be many parties. I still liked him. It was relaxed and fun. I think I may have finally found someone I can tolerate and who can tolerate me.

Lee went with me. She had a slow week, so she would just make calls from where ever we were. The first night Jessica was still there. Everything looked fine. Both of them happy. Maybe I was just being paranoid, or god forbid jealous again. Everyone played nice and had a great time. Nick was a blast. He was wild. He hauled both Lee and I on the dance floor and got down right dirty. He was rivaling AJ’s moves. AJ of course wouldn’t have that and came and took Lee away. We had a dirty dancing contest. AJ and Lee, Me and Nick, and Kevin and Jessica. I think Kevin and Jessica won because they were the only couple who actually went on to fuck. That gets you big points.

The next night was the first time Kevin and I really had any time to talk. He filled me in on things with Jessica. He said things were going really well. He was spending a lot of money on PPV porn after shows, but was and would be the monogamous boyfriend. Scott had told me he wasn’t seeing anyone but me. That was nice. Kevin and I had talked for hours on end about our sexual habits. Tonight it turned to both of us having done our share of whoring around and if anyone heard our conversations they would think we were horrible people. 

Kevin shook his head, "You know, if I’m a pig because I admit that I’m a guy and I physically want sex then I’m a pig. I’ve never told a girl I loved her to get laid. I have always been straight up about what I want no matter if it’s a blow job or anal sex. I may be a pig, but I’m an honest one. And you, oh best friend of the pig, are a bitch." 

Anyone besides him ever called me that I would rip them limb from limb. I knew how he meant it and took it as just that, a compliment. Something changed with his expression. His mood. He got weird on me, "Uh oh, what’s wrong?"

"I have to admit something, and it pisses me the fuck off!" I sat and waited. "When you let Scott spend the night . . . I got jealous."

I started laughing, "Oh good, now I don’t feel like such an ass for being jealous of Jessica."

He was laughing too, "It’s not funny. You’re my best friend. I don’t even think about fucking you.” He looked up for half a second, “Oh great, now I just did. Wonderful."

"But was I good."

"I hate you!" He glared at me.

"No, you don’t." I said the words in a sing song voice and leaned closer, kissing his cheek.

"I’ll kill him if he tries to come between us." He was serious again.

"I wouldn’t let that happen. Like you told me. You come first and he’ll have to deal with it. It’ll take you a little to get used to. I’m not jealous of Jess anymore. I like you with her."

"I really appreciate you going out to lunch with her and all."

"If you’re gonna go and fall in love with her, she and I will be seeing a lot of each other. Best to be friends."

He looked at me like I’d grown another nose, "I’m not in love with her. I like her a lot. She’s great. I care about her, but I’m not in love. Are you in love with Scott?"

"Nope."

I have no idea what time we fell asleep on the couch. I missed this. Missed having him right across town.

It was another week or so before I came back to the tour. For the last shows. This time our conversation was on how we were amazingly loyal to each other and our "family".

I had thought about this a lot, and Lee and I had been talking about it too, "There are people who matter and people who don’t. I love you guys and I would do anything for you, no question. Fucking with any one of you is fucking with me. Like Pam. I fight the urge to sit her down."

"Wouldn’t do any good." He seemed resigned to that.

"That’s what I figured. It would be like talking to a damn brick wall."

“And she’d take it out on Nick.”

The tour ended and everyone went their separate ways for a few weeks.


	12. Chapter 12

~*~Kevin~*~  
I decided that Jessica and I needed to get away. Time away would be fun. Overall, I liked this relationship. I booked a flight for Denver. I love skiing and she had never been. I got us a suite of rooms complete with Jacuzzi. One week just me and my girl.  
The same week Tracie and Scott were going to spend a week in the mountains of West Virginia. He was originally from that area and she had never been to the mountains.

At least this gave he and I something to talk about when we all went out on a double date the weekend before we all took off. I had to give him credit; he had thought about this trip. He had gotten some maps and had picked out some easy beginner paths for her. And they were going to stay in the lodge instead of roughing it. Both of us laughed at the thought of her digging a hole to piss in. She didn’t think it was too funny, which only made it funnier. He was good to her. A gentleman. He needed to be. I was the toughest challenge he had to face. I would crush him like a bug if laid a hand on her in anger. The thought of that asshole smacking her got my blood boiling. God forbid I should ever run into him, not that she’d ever told me who he was.

Tracie and I spent Saturday night at my house. We rented movies, ordered pizza, and drank a bottle of wine. We kicked back and talked about the next week. "I just want to relax and see what’s going on."

"What do you mean? Is something wrong?"

"Do you remember when Jess and I first started going out and sometimes I felt invisible?" She nodded. "That’s happening again. I’m hoping she’ll tell me what’s going on. I thought we were past this. I like being with her. I like the relationship. It’s hard when we come back from a tour, to get things back to normal again. Time alone will be good. To reconnect."

"I’m sure she must have missed you. I know I did. I like having you handy. Your damn job." She laughed and finished her wine.

"But you had Scott to keep you company. Still good?"

"Comfortable. Nothing wild and exciting, but I have you guys for that."

Jessica wasn’t crazy about skiing. We spent most of our time in the Jacuzzi, in front of a fire, or in bed. I missed skiing, but there will be other trips. I guess this will be a guy thing. I’m down with that. Our last night there we went out for dinner at this great restaurant. Best steak I’d had in a long time. I decided to bring up my concerns now. I’d waited because I wanted to give us some time. Like I’d told Tracie, it took a little bit to get back to normal after a tour. Unfortunately, I was still getting that feeling.

"Jessica, what’s going on? You keep drifting off."

She took a deep breath, "Am I your girlfriend?"

We had done this before, "Yes."

"How do you think our relationship is going?"

"I’m happy. Satisfied. I take it your not?"

"Not at all, Kevin. I’m very happy. Happier than I’ve ever been in a relationship, in my life really." She made eye contact and I know I had to look confused. "Kevin, I love you."

Ok, didn’t expect that. I sat kind of stunned. I didn’t know what to say. Thank you seemed oddly inappropriate. "Jess . . ." I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I needed to go somewhere.

"I guess you don’t love me." She got up and walked out. This was becoming a habit too. At least this time I wasn’t naked.

I rushed to pay the bill and headed out after her. I caught up to her about two blocks away. I grabbed her arm to stop her, "Jessica, baby, stop."

She turned on me, "Kevin, just let me go. You don’t have to say anything."

"Yes, I do. I like us. I’m happy. I’m touched that you love me. I feel like shit that I can’t return the sentiment. I do care about you a lot. But I’m not in love with you. That doesn’t mean that I won’t be tomorrow, or next month. Just not right now." I pulled her into a hug, "I wish I could say it. But I can’t lie to you. Not about this."

She was crying, "Sometimes I hate that about you."

To say that things were a little strained that last night would be an understatement. She was quiet. I couldn’t make it better. I let her set the pace. I tried a few times. Holding her hand or kissing her. She pulled away. I understood. It’s scary to tell someone you love them. I could maybe go so far as to say I loved her as a person. I just don’t feel that spark.

~*~Tracie~*~  
This week away was a good idea. I relaxed. It was a nice change from home. Trees everywhere. There was a pool, but it wasn’t open. Hooray! Our room in the lodge hung out over the mountain. Huge drop off the balcony. I loved that. I sat out there watching the sun come up and drinking apple cider wrapped in a blanket. Or in Scott. He was very attentive this trip. It was nice. He was always holding my hand, opening doors, washing my hair.

Unfortunately. Nice about describes it. Nothing mind blowing. I miss mind blowing. He kept talking about how much he loved it "back home" away from the city. How peaceful it was. I agree. It is peaceful. I think peaceful would turn into boring pretty quick for me. I never said anything to lead him to believe that I would ever be up for that gig. By the end of the week I was jonesing for a good party.

Things stayed calm and relaxing until we got home. I hit the door and started dialing numbers. Kevin wasn’t due in until very late tonight. I finally got a hold of AJ. Yes! Party at his house tonight. I’m not sure if it was already planned or my call gave him an excuse. Didn’t care.

Great party. Not at all nice. We played strip twister. Instead of being out when you fell you had to take off something or choose to go out. All of us are pretty competitive. It ended up with me and Nick being the only two left. Bunch of chickens. We were doing great. He was tall enough to stretch over me and I was little enough to go under him. You’d think that would be distracting enough, but no. So Howie poured some vegetable oil on the plastic mat. It wasn’t long before Nick was down to just his boxers and I was in my bra and panties. AJ was taking pictures. Nick knew he had won when I fell, "Yes, I win. I win."

I looked at him, "Not so fast." I took off my bra and resumed my position on the mat. Nick immediately fell on his ass. "Take it off and play naked or I won."

Nick sat there Indian style, "You win. Damn!"

I grabbed my bra and kissed his forehead, "They’re just breasts, Nicky."

AJ was still taking pictures, "But they’re "new to us" breasts."

Nick smiled, "Any breasts are good breasts. Good god, don’t let my girlfriend see these pictures. She’ll pop a blood vessel and I’ll be cut off for a month."

Before I knew it my mouth was going, "Your girlfriend needs to lighten up."

Everyone waited, but Nick just stood up, "No shit, tell me about it."

Very good. He was beginning to see.


	13. Chapter 13

~*~Kevin~*~  
It was three am when I knocked on Tracie’s door. She opened it and threw herself into my arms, "Yeah! Kevlyn is home. I missed you!"

First time I’d smiled in over twenty four hours. I hugged her as tight as I could, "I missed you too. God, I’m glad to see you." I missed her excitement. The way she could light up the darkest room. We headed to the living room. I detoured off to the kitchen, "I need a beer. Bad."

"Uh oh, what happened?"

I popped the top off and took a long drink before sitting on the couch and stretching out. I mindlessly rubbed along her ankle. Using the movement to dissipate the tension I hadn’t been able to shake yet.

"Jessica told me she loved me." She sat there looking at me. Waiting. I think she already knew what was coming next. "I didn’t say it back. I feel like complete shit."

"If you don’t love her you shouldn’t say it." Simple.

"I might love her, but I’m not in love with her." Not simple.

"I’m sorry. That must have sucked. I’m proud of you though. You’re a good man." She kissed me and held me for a few seconds.

"I really needed that. I don’t think I knew how bad. Thank you."

"No problem. What now? Is she ok?"

"She’s quiet. Very quiet. I tried to be normal. Not sex, normal. I knew that wasn’t gonna be happening. I mean, holding her hand and kissing her. She pulled back. I let her. I guess we’ll see. Dammit, I like her. I like this. Why did it have to get fucked up with those words? You know, it’s hard as hell to find someone who can deal with this shit and is looking at you and not the you that you put on for the fans." I grabbed my hair and screamed, "I hate relationships sometimes."

"I know. Sometimes they suck." She sighed.

That pulled me right out of me, "And how was your vacation?"

"It was nice."

"Nice? Whoa, now there’s a word I want associated with me. How was that sex, baby? Oh, Kevin, it was nice." I visible shuddered, "What’s wrong?"

"Nothings wrong. It’s just not right. Can we talk about something else? I’m tired of thinking about this."

"Of course. I hear you beat Nick at strip twister tonight."

~*~Tracie~*~  
It was nine or ten when we woke up. Both of us cramped on the couch. I got up and turned on the coffee and took a shower. I came back and he’d made breakfast. I smelled bacon. Yummy! "This is wonderful. Be here tomorrow at eight, please."

He smiled and waved me to the table, "Hey, I’m going home to Kentucky on Wednesday. Back here on Saturday, party before we leave again. Why don’t you come with me?"

Not a hard decision, "Ok. I need to get away."

"Me too."

Both of us ignored the fact that we’d just gotten back.

Scott drug me to the middle of nowhere. Kevin drug me to the end of nowhere. Talk about the sticks. There wasn’t even a Wal-Mart here. His family was very nice and I felt very welcome at his mom’s house. It wasn’t a long visit and most of it was spent visiting family and friends. We did go into Lexington one night and take in a UK game. We went out to a campus bar that night. We were pretty much left alone. We took a walk around campus and Kevin’s eyes suddenly lit up, "Come on. I’ve wanted to do this."

Next thing I know I’m in a tattoo parlor. "Kevin, what are you doing?"

"Getting a tattoo." He laid his head on my shoulder, "Will you hold my hand?"

He was serious. He went into the room then called for me in a few minutes. I immediately burst out laughing. One leg of his pants was off, legs spread, with his junk covered. "I would have though you were at least good for a hand towel. A washcloth? I’m disappointed."

He was propped up on his elbows. He blew me a kiss, "Baby, it’d take a beach towel if I was hard."

I groaned and sat beside him, "Can I peek under there? Check things out." I leaned down toward his crotch.

"No. You are here to hold my hand."

"But what if the washcloth accidentally flew across the room. Could I look then?"

"I don’t see that happening."

"I can."

The tattoo artist came over smiling, "Is this your girlfriend?"

Kevin screwed up his face in mock disgust, "Ew, no. She’s better, she’s my best friend."

I gave him a kiss, "So I know where, but not what."

"Chinese symbol for music on one side and for pleasure on the other."

I closed my eyes, "Good God, you are vain. What makes you think your "washcloth" gives pleasure?"

"Oughta try me out."

"You won’t let me look, remember?"

"Oh yeah." The tattoo guy got started and I held Kevin’s hand right before the needle part began, "Oh shit! That hurts."

"Is this a surprise? I hear pain causes shrinkage, pretty soon you’ll just need a tea towel." That kept his mind off it.

"How’s it looking?"

I looked at his face, "You have fucking got to be kidding me?"

"What?" He didn’t get it.

"There is blood involved. I am not looking." Only I did. I shuddered. There was blood where he was tattooing and smeared off to the side from where he’d wiped it away. "Nope."

We left and headed back to the car. Kevin was walking with his legs spread quite far apart. Jeans were good for the game, but not a tattoo. I was going to get some long term mileage out of this.

These few days in Kentucky were more relaxing that the whole last week. I guess because there were no expectations with Kevin and I. We both accepted the other for what we were and loved each other anyway. I knew no matter what he would always be my friend.

Going back was huge let down. It was like as we got closer to Orlando the reality of our lives came back. It sucked. Both of us got grumpier with every passing minute. I went straight to his house with him to help set up for the party. We also started drinking and by the time Scott and Jessica got there we were drunk.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica still was being a little weird. This wasn’t the best night for this. I was tired from the trip back, I was pissed about being back, my crotch hurt, and I was anxious about the second leg of the tour. I just didn’t have the energy to deal with her shit tonight. I understand that must have hurt, but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. Am I supposed to beg on my hands and knees or something? I swear I’m not trying to be a ass. I’m just not up for this right now.

"How was Kentucky?"

"We had a good time. It was very relaxing. I’m glad to see you." I kissed her.

"I’m glad you got some time to relax. You need that. Did your family like Tracie?" There was something wrong in her tone.

"Very much. I knew they would."

"I wish you would have asked me to go."

Ugh, there it was. "Jessica, I wanted to relax and get ready for this next leg. I couldn’t do that with you. It would be about expectations, questions about us, and me feeling guilty about Denver." I grabbed her arm and led her into my bedroom. "I am sorry if you feel hurt. I don’t want that. I don’t know how to fix it and I’m not going to walk around kissing your ass for it. I fucking guarantee you that won’t make me love you. You pouting and being cold and bitchy. Tracie and I are friends. Just friends. I don’t have to be anything with her and there are no questions that make me uncomfortable or guilty. We are easy. I needed a few days of easy before the circus starts again." I slammed out the door and left her there. Didn’t see her again that night and wouldn’t until she came for the opening night of the tour.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Scott was being all nice again. It was annoying me. Nice, nice, nice. White bread. Boring. No color, no flavor. I’m feeling bitchy. I know it. I told him I was bitchy. I even apologized. It wasn’t all about him. He left around midnight.

I went outside to get away from the crowd. Walked out into the back yard and saw Kevin across the pool stretched out in a lounge chair. "Is this seat taken?"

He opened his eyes, dropped his legs off the side and patted the chair between them, "Sit here."

"I’ve had that kind of night too." I sat down and leaned back on him.

"Let’s make a deal. You assume it was Jessica, I’ll assume it was Scott and we’ll just ignore it."

"You got it." He wrapped his arms around me and I held onto him. I was warm, comfortable, and I could feel my stress level dropping. We didn’t say another word.

~*~Lee~*~  
Both leave happy. Both come home grumpy. Well, with everyone but each other. Their dates leave and they wind up asleep out by the pool. Together. He’s wrapped around her and she’s holding on to him. Ok. Sure. Why not? They’re just friends.

My ass.


	14. Chapter 14

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica wouldn’t talk to me. Not at all surprised. Why not fight before I leave? I need that too. I asked her again to come to the first shows like we had planned. She said she would think about it.

She did end up coming. Things were better. She wasn’t as cold and I wasn’t so on guard. By the end of the weekend I felt like things were back to normal. I still felt guilty. It was very hard being with someone, physically, when you knew it meant much more to them. I tried and think I succeeded in being sensitive to this.

The next week Tracie came up and brought Lee. That was a blast. We were in some good cities and we would hang out all night. Dancing and talking. Having an excellent time.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I didn’t talk too much about Scott. I wanted to get away. He and I had been fighting the last week. Nothing ugly. Just snapping at each other. I was tired of nice. I was bored. Even the sex which had been good had deteriorated to nice. Nothing adventurous. Boring. Nice.

The night before we were set to leave we partied in the rooms. We wanted just us. It was the guys, Lee, a couple of the guys friends, and me. The girlfriends had left after the first batch of shows and would be back later. Late late that night we all sat around talking. Starting in with questions. Eventually it turned into everyone deciding who the perfect partner for each other was.

~*~AJ~*~  
I was enjoying this. I love crazy ass conversations late at night. We had already covered bizarre sexual behaviors and settings. This one could be fun. It got to Kevin and we all had our own say. Please, be aware that the person we described was not Jessica. We used words like "strong willed", "tough", "open", and "smart mouthed". None of these described Jessica. 

Tracie’s turn came. She pointed at him. He does that to everyone, but it’s one of the fastest ways to piss him off. Except when Tracie does it. "I’ll tell you what you need. You need someone who won’t put up with your shit. Who will cut you off at the knees and back you down. With a look. Strong enough to do that and let you be the man."

I think my mouth dropped open. I was searching the room. Nobody seemed with me.

On to Tracie. We all said "stronger than you", "exciting", and "brave". Kevin took his turn, "You need a man who’s not afraid of you. A man who can fuck you. Not some guy you let fuck you, but one’s who is strong enough, you trust enough, and is confident enough to fuck you."

I’m still searching the room for someone to see. Everyone is watching them to see what is coming next.

I lost it. "Let me tell you what you both need. You both need someone to knock you off your self aware, selfish, superior pedestal. You need someone that you care about more than you care about anyone else, even yourself. Someone who can get through your defenses and make you turn to mush. You’re both too damn scared to feel, really feel. Until you find that you’ll keep someone around, but they’ll be flawed and inferior. You both are fucking amazing!" I doubt they knew what I was talking about.

They looked at each other. Kevin grabbed her hand and tucked it under his arm, "Shall we, oh superior one?"

She did that fake southern accent, "I do believe so. I need to polish my pedestal."

Kevin smiled back at us, "We are taking our toys and going home."

I’m not quite sure if they stayed on the couch or just fucked each other silly that night.

~*~Lee~*~  
The party broke up after that. I think everyone was in shock. I know I was. I paced around my room. I had to talk to someone. AJ. AJ would be good.

I walked down the hall and knocked on his door, "You would think that as self aware as they are they would see they just described each other as the perfect mate."

"Oh thank God!!" He pulled me into the room and kissed the living hell out of me. "I thought I was the only one who caught that. I wanted to scream. Shit!"

“You kinda did.” She laughed, “They’re both dating these people who obviously don’t do it for them. Safe maybe, but not what either really want." I had thought this for awhile.

AJ looked around his room, "I didn’t say this. They have the perfect relationship, except the no sex part."

I screamed, "Yes!" This time I kissed him, tongue and all. We both jumped back, "Ok that was freaky."

"Na, just celebrating." We both laughed and hugged. "So you work on her. I’ll work on him."

"Deal."


	15. Chapter 15

~*~AJ~*~  
The next day after Lee and Tracie left we loaded the buses and headed out. To my surprise Nick started it, "What was up with last night, Kev?"

Obviously Kevin was lost, "What do you mean?"

"You and Tracie digging at each other like that?"

He laughed, "We always do that. I don’t think Scott is right for her. Too safe. Boring."

Nick shook his head, "You two have the weirdest relationship. It’s like you’re a couple but without the sex." 

I held my breath.

"It’s great. I’ve never had a friend like this. I love it. It’s like you guys only she’s a girl. That perspective is cool."

"And Jessica is ok with this?" Nick was being brave. 

I waited for the explosion. Only it didn’t happen.

"Sure. She knows were just friends. She doesn’t really have a choice. I’m not giving up Tracie."

I think Jessica is not ok with this. I think that Jessica deals with this because Kevin doesn’t give Jessica a choice. Knowing him he told her she had to deal with it or go. Pretty obvious to me that in a competition Tracie would win. Hands down.

The conversation changed.

~*~Brian~*~  
Since we were on the subject of girlfriends, "Nick, where is Pam, when is she hooking back up?"

"This weekend."

"And how are things going? You guys fighting as much?"

Nick shook his head, "Nope, it’s better. I’m doing a better job. I knew if I could just do a better job with her she’d feel better about herself, about us."

I agreed. He didn’t always give her the time she needed.

Howie didn’t agree, "What are you talking about?"

Nick looked over, "I have to be careful and make sure she knows how much I love her. I keep an eye out on the internet and explain the stories or pictures before she’s seen them or pretty quick after. Then she doesn’t think crazy stuff."

AJ was waving his hands, "Hold up! You do rum our control with your girlfriend?"

"Yeah."

AJ rolled his eyes, "Complete bullshit. She should trust you enough to not have to do that."

"She does trust me, Bone. She just needs the re-assurance."

"I think you’re doing good Nick. I’m glad you figured out what she needs. Lots of attention." I thought he needed to know that.

No one else spoke.

~*~AJ~*~  
That’s horseshit. I can’t believe that Brian is supporting this situation. Pam gets all freaky and pretty much holds Nick hostage. He’s right about one thing, she sees pictures and hears stories and does crazy stuff. She’ll call right before a show and Nick will get down. Not sure what she says, but it ends up with Nick doubting himself. Great way to walk out on stage in front of forty thousand people. He takes it all to heart. This is his first big relationship. He always thinks he does it wrong. I think it’s just that she is fucked up. We’ve all tried to get him to see that maybe some of it is Pam. None of us will say that Nick doesn’t screw up. Of course he does. But she isn’t perfect and she makes his screw ups huge. We don’t have a chance against her and his best friend is feeding him crap.

Speaking of crap . . . I took this down day to talk to Kevin once we got to the hotel. Just general chit chat leading into girlfriend talk. We both had one. I listened to him talk about Jessica and thought he did care about her. I asked if he was in love with her. He told me about their vacation and her telling him she loved him. I was not at all surprised he didn’t say it back. "Kevin, where is Tracie in all this?"

"We’re friends. Didn’t we just do this?" He looked a little annoyed. I was used to that.

"Yeah, but this is just us. I have a hard time believing Jessica is cool with you guys falling asleep by the pool in the same chair or all the nights you two fall asleep on the couch. Do you really think that just because you’re not in bed you’re not sleeping together?"

"Is that what you think? That I’m playing both of them?" Pissed now.

Since he was already mad there was no reason to not go on. "Yes. You’re getting the best of both worlds. One for friendship and unconditional love, the other as a girlfriend and sex partner. You’re making Jessica look like an idiot and Tracie a whore."

He stood up, "What the fuck!"

"Everyone thinks you’re fucking Tracie when Jessica isn’t around. I don’t mean me everybody. If you say you’re not I believe you. But anyone at a party sees. The crew sees you one weekend with Jessica and the next with Tracie. You hug them both, hold both their hands, dance with them both, and take off with both of them."

"I am not fucking Tracie. Jesus!" He slammed his hand against the wall, "I don’t give a fuck what everyone thinks. Screw them. I fucking hate being under a god damned microscope all the time. God forbid I should have a best friend that’s a woman."

I added, "Beautiful woman."

He stopped ranting, "You know what. I don’t even notice. I know she’s beautiful, but I don’t think "wow, she’s hot" every time I see her."

" I don’t believe you. I do not believe that you don’t notice. Not for one second." I’ve watched his eyes follow her. He notices.

"Believe what you want. I don’t think of her like that."

This was my chance. I headed out the door, "Maybe you should."

~*~Lee~*~  
On the plane ride home I had planned on talking to Tracie about Kevin, but things went a little different. She downed one of those little bottles of Tequila. I looked at her, "Are you alright?"

She sighed, "I don’t want to deal with Scott. It’s getting yucky."

"How so?"

"Boring. Boring. Boring. He’s so nice and is good to me, but his niceness is annoying the hell out of me. I just need . . . I don’t know what I need. The guys are right. I need something strong and exciting."

Notice how she left out what Kevin said she needed? I decided to let it go. It looked like she was coming around all on her own. If she is about to dump the boyfriend I wasn’t gonna slam her with the best friend thing. Hopefully, things are going as good with AJ and Kevin.


	16. Chapter 16

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica came out again right before the end of the tour and stayed through the last night back home in Orlando. Things were strained. I know that I was still feeling bad about not being in love with her and I’d spent a lot of time thinking. These last weeks I wasn’t sure if I ever would be. When we had talked I told her maybe tomorrow, maybe next month. Maybe, but I’m wondering if it’s not gonna happen. That spark that changes things from caring to head over heals in love. I don’t know how long it takes to fall in love. I still miss her, want to see her, and want to be with her. I think she deserves more than some guy who doesn’t love her. I deserve more too. I’m going to give it three weeks once I get home again. That’s enough time for use to settle back in and see what’s gonna happen.

Night one home went great. We had a humongous party after the concert. Everyone was there. It was amazing. All five of us got totally shit faced and stoned beyond belief. Actually most people got drunk and stoned. Jessica was laughing and having a great time. Tracie and Scott looked like they were having fun. My little world was happy.

Until about midnight the next night. 

I rolled over and answered the phone, "Better be good."

"Scott and I broke up."

"I’ll be right there." I kissed Jessica, "Tracie and Scott broke up. I don’t know when I’ll be back."

Fifteen minutes later I was at her door. She opened it and let me in, "I brought gifts for numbing." I held out the bottle of Tequila.

"If you really loved me you’d get me stoned." She had been crying. That tore up my heart.

I reached into my back pocket, "Ta da! I come prepared." She hung her head and started crying. I put our supplies down and held her, "Aw, Trace. I’m so sorry. Who broke up?"

"I did." 

I sat us down on the couch and let her cry it out. At least she was the dumpee. Somehow I expected no less. Still hurts though. It wasn’t too long before she stopped crying and sat back. "I’m sorry to haul you out on your second night at home."

I fired up the joint, "Stop that. You better know better. Tell me what happened."

"We went out for dinner. This was an anniversary. I sat there throughout dinner thinking this was wrong. Not wrong, just not right. I was bored. Bored, bored, bored. Things started out good. Conversation, fun, sex. It was all good. Then it got so so boring. Nice and boring. We always did the same things. I think I figured that I had you and the guys for the fun and excitement. Then when you all were gone I realized how much I was missing with him. I tried to adjust my expectations. You can’t have everything. Then what you all said at the party. I realized that he’s not the right one. No sense in keeping it going." She started crying again. "It completely hit him from left field. I mean, we haven’t been fighting and things have been just like normal. No problems. That’s the thing though, too normal all the time. I fucking hate hurting someone." Big sniff here. "He didn’t do anything wrong and I hurt him. I told him it was about me. Everyone knows that’s bullshit. I couldn’t tell him he was boring. Maybe to someone else he’s not. I expect too much. I’m too used to bigger than life sorts of people. I hate it, hate it, hate it."

"Trace, you didn’t mean to hurt him. You did what you needed to be happy and for him to be happy."

"But I wasn’t unhappy. I just wasn’t overjoyed. Who the hell deserves to be overjoyed?"

I lifted her face with one finger under her chin, waiting until her eyes met mine. "You do." That made her cry more.

We got through the crying part and made it to the laughing hysterically part. I put in "Better Off Dead". That always works. "It’s got raisins in it." And the part about boiling the bacon killed us both. Made us hungry.

"Look at it this way you can now go find you some not nice sex." I was all about looking for the positives. Ok, I was trashed and humoring myself.

"Hell yes. Not nice sex. It wasn’t bad sex. It was just plain sex. Not like I need to swing from the ceiling fan to get off, but a little something every now and then. Technique wise he was a B-."

"Really now? Can I get some breakdown on this grading system?" This was where having a best girl friend was cool.

"Size was a C. Stamina was a B. Recovery a B. Oral sex a C. Kissing a B."

I rolled my eyes, "I hear you on the oral sex."

That perked her up, "Really?"

"Jessica is about a D- there. She can’t blow out a candle if you get my drift."

"Aww, Kevlyn, I’m sorry." She pouted and ran her hands through my hair.

"It sucks." I started laughing, "I guess it doesn’t suck. I’m giving it three more weeks." I was still there.

She put her hands up like stop, "Whoa, what the hell happened?"

"Nothing. I don’t think it’s fair to keep stringing us both along. I’m not in love with her, but it’s comfortable. We both should have more. I don’t know that I’ll ever be in love with her. Something is telling me I won’t be."

"We can be alone together."

"Absolutely." I hugged her then sat back, "So what do I give him if I run into him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Zero through ten, what do I give him sympathy wise. Ten is I need to kiss his ass because you were a complete bitch and I’m embarrassed for you. Zero is he’s a heinous asshole not fit to lick dog shit off your shoes."

That got her laughing, "Seven, give him a seven. Anyone ever gotten a ten?"

"One of AJ’s ex’s busting him getting a blow job in her car. She got a ten."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I was fine. I hate break ups. Having Kevin there made it easier. I needed a hug and some distraction. I was sad for him with the whole Jessica thing. I don’t mean the blow job part, well, not totally. I still don’t completely trust her, but that’s not my call. I am proud of him for not wanting to string her along. I think it’s entirely possible to go on forever with someone you love in a friendship way and ignore the fact that you’re missing that passion. Kevin is such a passionate man. He would get so unhappy without that, or he’d lose it. I would hate that and I’d hate that for him.

The next week was calm. I went to work at the club and just practiced laying back. I liked not having the responsibility of thinking about a what to do with my boyfriend. Things slid right back into normal with the guys home. AJ was there everyday. I liked having him around. We talked some about Kevin. He liked Jessica alright, but didn’t think she was right for him. He didn’t want to see him hurt though. We talked some about Scott. AJ had run into him and he had asked about me.

Kevin was spending a lot of time with Jessica. He was trying to make it work. I really respect that. If he wasn’t already my best friend I’d want him for one. We talked everyday. She didn’t always come up, but he said things were feeling a little worse. He was worried that it was him distancing himself and wondered if he hadn’t already made the decision. I understood perfectly. This is the same thing I did with Scott. Nothing really wrong, just not everything you ever dreamed of. He had it worse because she was in love with him. Thank God, Scott had never went there. I don’t know if he felt it or not. I prefer not to think about it.

Lee and I went out on Friday night. It’s good to have a girls night. We sat and ranked people as they came in the door. Men and women. Women got "we’re hotter", "look at those shoes", "beauty products have come such a long way", and "fashion faux pas". Yes, we had the superior bitch thing going on.

Men got ranked for looks, body, dance ability, and anything else we could pick apart. We watched some get shot down and watched others be successful. Eventually we found two that we thought were worthy of us. It was hard to pass this test. We wanted a pair of friends to play with us. They both had to be cute. We were out for fun, nothing more. Style was way more important than substance. Once we lured our prey to the table we commenced flirting. One of them asked what we were doing out. Lee responded that we were bored, wanted to play with some men and maybe get laid in the process. They were speechless. We liked that.

The next night was a party at Kevin’s house.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Woo fucking hoo! Party at my house. At least I’ll be home when I pass out. Which I plan on doing. Early and often.

Everyone was in a great mood. Except me. Tracie knew something was up and kept looking at me. I waved her off. I wasn’t ready to talk about this. She was good with that. She’d let me have some space, but would come after me later if I didn’t talk. There have been times when we’ve gone to the other knowing full well we were likely to get our heads bit off. Sometimes that happened. We were solid enough to hold up. I was attempting to keep her away until I worked up my nerve then I’d get totaled.

About eleven I hauled the guys, Tracie, and Lee upstairs. Supposedly for a private party. "I asked Jessica to marry me last night."


	17. Chapter 17

~*~AJ~*~  
What the fuck?

I didn’t hear that right.

Marrying Jessica? Jessica? I mean I like Jessica. Jessica?

I scanned the room. We were all looking at each other. Except Tracie. She immediately went to him, "Congratulations, Kevin." She hugged him. She better know something we don’t.

Best thing about that was it gave me and Lee time to make ‘what the fuck’ faces at each other. Tracie turned around and gave me a look. I read it as I had better haul my skinny ass over and congratulate the groom. So I did. I will trust that she knows what the hell is going on and I should just play along. Lee followed me. Then the others.

Kevin said that they didn’t want some big thing and were planning something with just close friends.

Jessica had gone home to tell her family. He would tell his this week, they were going to go to Kentucky. He had met her family, she hadn’t met his.

After our private celebration we headed back downstairs. I watched Tracie. She looked at him and he shook his head. Nope, she didn’t know either. Over the course of the night I found that Brian was happy. He liked Jessica and thought it was time for his cousin to settle down. Howie thought it was fine as long as they wanted it. Nick didn’t get it, but also didn’t get why he didn’t get it. Lee and I thought something was wrong. We were busy plotting to get Kevin and Tracie together and he gets engaged. Nope. I told Lee I didn’t think Tracie knew about this either. She assured me that Tracie would know by dawn.

That I believed.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Something’s very wrong here. Kevin tells us he’s engaged. He’s drunk and she’s not here. I’m a little hurt he didn’t tell me first.

I gave him another hour then went after him. I expected him to avoid me. Like he had been avoiding eye contact all night with me. I was pleased when he didn’t. I tapped him on the shoulder, "Ready?"

He took my hand and led me upstairs. Uh oh, a closed door conversation. "Thank you."

I sat down on the bed, "For what?"

"Blind support."

"I will always support you in front of others, even if I think your wrong. I will assume you had a reason for this group announcement?" He sat beside me.

"I counted on you to make it ok. You’d say "congratulations" and the others would assume all was well. I didn’t talk to you first because I didn’t want you to have to lie."

That scared me more than anything that had happened so far tonight. I put my hand over his, "Kevin? What the hell is going on?"

He laid down on his bed, "Jessica is pregnant."

I laid down next to him. I searched the ceiling a few seconds, then said questioningly, "Congratulations?" Bad friend Tracie was thinking ‘are you sure she’s pregnant and is it yours’.

He laughed, "I guess so. I’m gonna be a dad. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. I always thought I’d be happier about it though."

I was going to ask the question, "And why aren’t you?"

"Because I’m not in love with my kid’s mother, and was planning on breaking up with her. Instead I end up proposing. How fucked up is that? What a way to start a marriage."

I knew exactly what he was doing. He was being responsible. He was always responsible. I respected that. I thought he was wrong, but I respected that. "You don’t have to marry her."

He laughed again, "What should I do, Tracie?"

"Do you want what I think or what I know you will do?"

"Both, please." He was hurting. He reached for my hand, lacing our fingers.

I bought his hand up and kissed it, "I think you will be a wonderful dad whether or not you marry her. You would stay involved and be part of the child’s life. He would never want for anything and neither would Jessica. You would do more than take care of them." I rolled to my side where I could look in his eyes, "You will marry her even though you aren’t in love with her. You’re thinking that you do ‘love’ her, and even though it’s not all fireworks, you two made a child and it deserves both of its parents. With your upbringing and what you really want it’s the ‘right’ thing to do. I think that you’re wrong. A child deserves it’s parents to show it what love is, not some imitation. I hate to see you give up on the real thing. But you will marry her, you will be supportive, and you will be happy. Just not overjoyed. It will kill me to watch you not be overjoyed."

This time I got to hold him while he cried. I cried too. We lay on his bed, holding onto each other for a long time.

"I was trying to get drunk enough to pass out. But I can’t get away from this."

We moved up to the pillows and were curled up on our sides facing each other, "Of course not."

"You really think it’s wrong to marry her."

I thought for half a second and nodded, "Yep, I would hate it that a man was marrying me just because I was pregnant."

The side of his mouth quirked in a smile, "You’re not Jessica. She knows I’m not in love with her. She even told me she knew I wasn’t in love with her, but would be a good husband and father."

"She is right. You will be an excellent father." I truly believed he would be an excellent husband, but not for her.

He scootched over and I put my arm around him, "I am excited about the baby. Fuck, Tracie, I’m gonna be a dad." We were both quiet, letting this reality sink in. "We’re going to have a very small ceremony, just friends. Nothing fancy at all. Will you stand up for me?"

"Of course." I would be there for him no matter what.

"Trace, I need you." He never looked up, just kept his head on my shoulder. "I know that you’re right, but I don’t think I could stand myself if I didn’t do this. This is one of those times when the right thing kind of sucks."

"Kevin, if you feel this bad, why are you doing it? Don’t answer me it’s just a rhetorical question." What the hell? This is wrong. I wiped away a tear where he couldn’t see.

"God, I shouldn’t have drank. I was fine. I promise I’m fine. She and I get along and we have fun together. There are no problems. Just no sparks. I could do much worse." 

I loved his quiet resignation. 

That’s a lie.

"You’ll learn to live without blow jobs."

That got him laughing, "Fuck you!"

"Nope, you can’t. You’re engaged. Besides fucking isn’t the issue."

Now he looked up, "Thank you."

"You’re welcome." I kissed his lip and hugged him extra tight before starting to put ourselves back together and joined everyone else.

Both of us knew the guys would ask many questions. We decided that he would leave the details about the baby out of it until after the ceremony. He would tell the guys that they had decided it was time and they wanted to make a life together. He wouldn’t lie about being in love with her. They did like her and there was no question that they were good together. There are many reasons for getting married and love was just one of them. Jessica was a friend who he trusted and did fine dealing with all the star bullshit. That was enough.

I knew Kevin. He would be a good to her and he would do what he needed to be happy. I prayed that he would be able to handle settling for less. I would do what he needed and help him however he asked. Part of that would be telling him if I started seeing him lose himself in this bargain.


	18. Chapter 18

~*~Kevin~*~  
I know part of this is absolutely wrong. I don’t love Jessica in the way I should love my wife. God, that scares the absolute shit out of me. But I want the child. Everyone in the known universe knows I want a child. Just watch me when one gets near me. I can pick out the little ones in the audience as fast as AJ picks out the hot women. I’ll make this work for the child. No one ever guaranteed that I would have all my dreams fulfilled. Maybe this is the trade off I have to do for the success of the Backstreet Boys. I get the fame and the child, but not the marriage I’ve always wanted. Sad thing is, I see that as pretty good.

Tracie did just what I needed from her. I needed her to make this ok in front of the guys and be honest with me behind closed doors. I can always count on her. I feel bad about not telling the guys about the baby, but I don’t want to deal with them telling me how this is a bad idea. Part of me knows. I need that part of me to shut the hell up, while the other side of me does what it needs to do. I’m torn, but I’ve made my decisions. I need to do it and learn to live with what I’ve made for myself.

The guys showed up Sunday afternoon. No big surprise there. Tracie had long gone home and Jessica wasn’t due back until this evening. We were going to go ahead and move her stuff over here. She was leaving all the furniture with her roommate. That made it easy. AJ fixed himself a drink and stood by the bar, "You ready to explain this one?"

"I love her." This was not a lie, please god, don’t let them ask if I’m in love with her. "I asked her to marry me. What needs explaining?"

"Where was she last night? Why were you drunk and telling us?"

"She went to her parents. We are leaving for Ky. Tomorrow, back Tuesday. Guys, it’s ok. I know it’s sudden and fast and everything, but we see no reason to wait."

Nick looked over, "What do you mean wait? When are you getting married?"

"Next weekend." I knew they weren’t stupid. I knew they’d no something was up. I was trusting in their friendship to trust me. Trust me even though they knew I was leaving something out. We all push when we see one of us going off the rails. There’s a time for that and this wasn’t it.

~*~AJ~*~  
I’m not buying this load of dog shit. "Kevin, this is bullshit and you know it. Something is going on and I have a bunch of ideas about what it is. There is no way in hell I believe that this is happy marriage thing."

Kevin just looked at me, "I’m sorry. I can’t make you believe me. I’m going to marry her."

So I do the only thing I know how, "Ok. Congratulations. I love you. It’s bullshit. But I’ll stand by you if you say this is the way it’s gonna be. I’ll believe that you have your reasons. I wish you’d tell us, but it looks like you can’t. I’ve had my secrets. You get yours. Tell me what you need me to do." I walked over and hugged him, "I hope to hell you know what you’re doing."

What the hell else could I do. Refuse to be there. Refuse to acknowledge what was going on. That would only drive a wedge. And if this was as shitty as I thought it was he didn’t need that. He was gonna have enough to deal with without his little brothers ganging up on him. Kevin has always been like this. He talks and thinks things to death, comes up with his idea of the best thing to do and then sticks to it. This could be as simple as him pushing 30 and her being good enough. Or maybe she agreed if they got married that he could still be single on tour. Maybe she’s blackmailing him. Maybe she’s pregnant. Maybe she has something on Tracie. That would be our next stop.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin called and told me what had happened. He was shaken. He hated not telling them all of it. It would be pretty obvious soon enough, but he just needed to buy himself some time to get through the wedding. After that it would be a done deal and they couldn’t talk him out of going through with it.

All four boys showed up on my doorstep about two minutes after I hung up with Kevin, "Drove straight here?"

AJ strode through the door, "Yep, left there drove here."

Nick sat in the floor, "We figure you know what this is all about, but can’t tell us. So we want to hear from you that you’re ok with this."

I wasn’t big on lying either, "I think he’s wrong."

AJ was pacing and yelling, "Now that is not what I fucking want to hear. If you think he’s wrong then make him not do it. You’re his fucking best friend, talk him out of it."

"Don’t you think I tried? I don’t agree with his decision, but I know that in his mind with everything he believes this is the right decision, the only one he can live with. I can’t argue with him to do something he’ll hate himself over."

Brian’s turn, "And when this ends in a divorce, will he be able to live with that?"

"We didn’t go there. Hopefully it won’t end that way. He’s committed to making this work. You know how he is when he sets his mind to something. And to answer you, yes, he’ll be able to live with the divorce."

AJ was now smoking in my apartment. He knew better. I left it alone. "How long before this makes sense?"

"You may never understand." That was true, but they’d know the reason soon.

More AJ yelling. Thing is, I wanted to yell too. It’s hard to watch a friend fuck up his life. I knew AJ was yelling because he cared. I can’t fault him for that. "I think there’s something we don’t know. She’s got something on him, or on you and he’s protecting you . . . something. Any of them make this make sense. Nothing else does."

"Believe what you need to. Just please know that this isn’t easy for him and it isn’t some cut and dried right and wrong issue. Part of him is happy and part of him hurts badly. He needs all of us to stand by him. That will make this easier and more likely to work out for the best of everyone." I did believe that. I looked at AJ and knew that he knew. I was relieved. I didn’t have to say it, but he knew Kevin as well as I did. Only one thing would make him marry someone he wasn’t in love with and still be happy. The other three didn’t pick up on that huge hint I had just dropped.

We talked some about what to do now. They would throw a bachelor party next Friday for him. They agreed to support and not question. They would trust him and trust me. We all hugged as they left. AJ went last and held on until Nick was far enough away to not hear him, "He’ll be a great dad."

"I know." As soon as I closed the door I sat down and cried.

It would be months before I understood why.


	19. Chapter 19

~*~Tracie~*~  
I decided my sole job today was to keep the groom together. He was scared to death. It had been a weird week. Moving Jessica into his house, getting things ready for the wedding, and the honeymoon. I talked to him everyday. He would come to the club or to my apartment when he could get away, or when he needed to get away. Sometimes we’d talk about all of this, other times we’d just talk about nothing. Jessica went to her old apartment for the last night and Kevin had his party. The wedding was at one. I showed up at his house at ten and shoved his hungover butt in the shower. When he came out I had breakfast ready.

He played with his food then looked at me, "Tell me what you’re thinking?"

"You are doing the wrong thing for all the right reasons. You’re being responsible for your actions and doing the only thing that fits with your convictions. The only thing you can live with. I understand it, but I don’t agree with it. I also don’t think I’ve ever respected you more or been more proud of you. You’ll do everything you can to make it work and make everyone involved happy. You’re a good man. Your kid is lucky. So is Jessica. And me." I was crying. He was crying. Lovely.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I would do this. I knew that once the initial shock was over things would get back to normal. Not that different than Jessica and I dating had been. We were together most of the time anyway when I was home. Her stuff in my house was weird. I wasn’t used to girl things. I’d get used to it. My decision to end my relationship with her had been about fairness. Not fair to either of us that I wasn’t in love with her. It wasn’t about not liking her, or fighting, or anything like that. That is the only reason I could do this. I could live without the fireworks of being in love, that faded with time anyway. Right?

That morning with Tracie was the last of the seriousness. It meant so much to me, what she said. Proud of me. I wasn’t very proud of me. I knew my family wouldn’t be very proud of me. If they knew the whole truth. One thing I knew for certain. If Tracie said she was proud of me, she meant it. I must be doing something right.

~*~Jessica~*~  
Today I marry the most wonderful man I’ve ever met. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’ve worked harder on this relationship than any other. It means more to me. I am pregnant with his child. He’ll fall in love with me now. I’ll get to be first.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie walked up to me after I was dressed and put her hands on my shoulders, "I have something important to talk to you about."

This worried me, "Ok."

She moved her hands down my arms and held my hands, "I know what your giving up that is bothering you most today and I have a solution."

"I wish. But let me hear it."

"Your wife can’t give a blow job worth a damn. I know how you like blow jobs. So as my wedding present to you I’m gonna give you that."

I was lost, "Give me what?"

"A blow job."

Was she serious, she looked serious. "You’re funny. Ha ha ha."

"I’m completely serious." She started to undo my pants, "It’s the least I can do to make this easier. What’s a blow job between friends?"

I jumped back, "No fucking way."

She started towards me again, "You need to think about what you’re giving up." I just looked at her in amazement. "Ok, then, but the offer stands once a year on your anniversary. No strings attached blow jobs."

There was a knock at the door. It was time. We walked out to stand in front of the judge in a small reception hall we had rented. Jessica was entering from the other side. No big walking down the aisle thing. Nice, but no frills. I couldn’t. Tracie grabbed my hand and I turned around. She smiled, "Gotcha!" 

I laughed out loud.

~*~AJ~*~  
Lee and I sat next to each other watching the most bizarre scene unfolding. Tracie and Kevin on one side as Jessica came from the other. Tracie said something that made him laugh. Probably something dirty. They got to the judge first and I leaned over to Lee, "Isn’t that the way this little drama should be unfolding? Tracie and Kevin up there."

"Can we hold up a hand and block Jessica out? Pretend she’s not there."

I didn’t have a problem with that. We all sat in silence. When it was over and they were heading out as man and wife Nick leaned over, "Anyone ever been to a wedding where the word ‘love’ is never used in the ceremony?"

None of us had been.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica and I stood at the exit of the hall and said goodbye to everyone. As soon as everyone was outside we said our thanks. I took my wife’s hand, smiled and got in the limo.

Have you ever heard the sound of a dream dying? It’s a very quiet sucking noise. I heard it that day.

~*~Lee~*~  
We were going to go back to my house and have a party. The guys, Tracie, and I. No one had brought dates. I stood there arm and arm with AJ waving as the newlyweds drove off. I spoke to him through clenched teeth, "Think Tracie has a fucking clue why she’s gonna start crying any second?"

AJ laughed, "Nope. And I think maybe it’s a good idea if she doesn’t figure it out now. Since it’s a little too late."

"Ah, AJ, it’s never to late. Let’s get to her and stop it."

We headed in her direction and each of us grabbed an arm, "We’re off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz." She joined in and we kept her laughing all the way back to the house. Then poured a lot of tequila in her.

She was pretty much trashed when she asked us all to sit down. "Kevin asked me to tell you guys some shit once they were gone."

Nick shot the rest of his drink, "Finally, some fucking answers about this one."

"Jessica is pregnant."

Everyone groaned and a chorus of "oh shit", "no wonder", and "makes sense now" came from everyone, except AJ.

I asked the question everyone wondered, "Did she threaten him or something?"

Tracie shook her head, "No, not at all. She knows that he isn’t in love with her."

Howie yelled out, "Then why the fuck did he marry her? He’d still be a father to the kid. Jesus, Kevin wants a kid almost as much as he wants BSB."

"Howie . . . guys . . . he loves Jessica, just not in love with her. They don’t fight, they have fun, they get along fine. The only thing missing is the spark. He’s willing to give that up for his child. It’s his responsibility. He wants to do the right thing. And before you ask, no, I don’t agree and he knows that."

Brian shook his head, "This is the only option he could live with. The honorable thing. Sacrifice himself for the kid. Very Kevin. Very the way we were raised."

"Yeah, well it sucks. He’s being stupid." Nick was about to be blasted. I could feel the waves coming off Tracie.

"It does suck, but he’s not being stupid. He’s doing what he thinks is right. The best he can do." Tracie started to walk away then turned and threw her glass against the wall, "Goddammit, I have been dealing with this shit for a week now, watching him struggle, and hurt, and feel basically like complete fucking shit. Trying to be happy about his kid, but part of him dying because he’s marrying a woman he’s not in love with. Trying to rationalize that caring about her and them getting along will be enough for him. That he’ll be happy. And you know what? It’s not enough for him. He deserves all of it. The love of his life and the kid. It shouldn’t have to be a fucking choice."

AJ got to her before she hit the floor, "Tracie, sweetheart, it will be fine. He will be fine."

I had walked over and was sitting on the floor next to them, "He’s got you. He’ll be great."

The others had joined us and we gathered around her. They all agreed. She sat with her head on AJ’s shoulder as he held and rocked her. "I should have stopped him. I could have. I could have pushed harder. There’s part of him that didn’t want to do this. I should have made him see it."

AJ looked at Nick. Nick had been the one who set this off and AJ clearly expected Nick to fix it. Nick put his hand on her shoulder, "Tracie . . ." Then he just stopped.

AJ took over, "Sweetheart, you did good. You didn’t push him. You shouldn’t have. This had to be his decision. I know that you questioned him and told him what you thought. If you pushed him to go the way you thought was right and all hell broke loose you would have felt guilty and he could have blamed you."

"Yeah, Trace, you did what a best friend should. You let him make his own decision. You held his hand to get him through something really hard for him, and you’ll be there for him whatever happens." I held her hand.

Nick got it back together, "If it all blows up you won’t rub his nose it."

Brian joined in, "I’m proud of you. Kevin is lucky. No matter what happens you’ll be there."

She was on her way to passing out, "Of course I will be. I love him."

No one had a second thought about that because they said enough. No one except me and AJ. AJ picked her up and when his back was to everyone else, he looked at me, "We’ll just keep that little piece of information to ourselves won’t we?"


	20. Chapter 20

~*~AJ~*~  
I carried Tracie to the guest room. I tucked her into the bed and sat beside her on the bed for a little while. I guess I wanted to make sure she was asleep. I couldn’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t have done more to bring them together. Then I wondered if they really weren’t meant to be together. Maybe they were just meant to be friends. Sitting here watching her breathe and pushing her hair away from her face I hoped not.

Back downstairs everything was quiet. I think everyone was thinking. I fixed myself a drink and joined them. Eventually we started talking again. It was very easy for us to agree to support him no matter what. The rest was up for grabs. It ranged from Brian believing he did the right thing and should make it work for the child to Howie thinking he was completely wrong and the whole thing was shit. The others of use fell somewhere in the middle. As always I found myself looking up to him. This had to be a hard decision for him, and I, yet again, respected his maturity and the way he did what he thought was right even if it was hard. I never really take the hard road. In his shoes I don’t think I would have made the same decision. I can maybe see where this is a good choice for the kid, but I don’t think I could have put that above my happiness. Especially, in Kevin’s case, knowing he’d take care of the kid anyway.

I couldn’t help but think about what would be different. He would have a wife and kid now. That had to change things.

The next week with Kevin on his honeymoon went on as normal. Lee and I had an unspoken agreement to keep an eye on Tracie. We made sure someone was at the club everyday. That wasn’t anything new. I thought a lot about what she’d said as she passed out. I didn’t doubt for a second that she loved him as a friend. I just don’t think that’s all there is to it. I think she would fall in love with him quickly if she let herself. So would he. If they would just see each other. The theory I was working under was that both of them were so untrusting and scared that they couldn’t see past their friendship to what else could be there. Each other was the one person they could trust and be scared with. It hoped would work itself out and would be alright.

~*~Lee~*~  
We decided to have a coming home sort of wedding reception for Kevin and Jessica. I found a place for the party. A place I’d used before and would let us in the day before to start setting up. We had decided to do all the decorating ourselves. Money wasn’t the issue. We felt that if we all worked together on this it would mean more to Kevin and he would know that we would support him. Tracie thought that was what he needed to be able to make this marriage work. No one agreed to not question him, but right now was time for support.

Tracie was fine. I understood her feeling a little guilty. I let her talk and reminded her of her place. She was worried about him. She’s that kind of friend you love and hate. Won’t lie to you even when you want, but will be there to handle to truth with you. I figured there would be many conversations between her and Kevin about this over the years. I didn’t have a lot of faith that this marriage would last. I know that there are couples who marry out of friendship and never have that passion. They can last foreverand I think that kind of love has to be there or the marriage won’t last. It won’t be wine and roses forever, but there should be times when the passion comes back. I hope that Kevin finds that passion with her, but I’m afraid that the way this marriage has started it won’t happen. He’ll continue to party and have fun at home and on tour. He’ll be around everyone and see his friends fall in love and know that passion. He’ll have to give up a degree of freedom because of his responsibilities. I know that everyone does that with relationships. The relationship makes it worth it, but Kevin will be giving things up for a relationship he doesn’t really want to be in. It won’t take long for the resentment to build. He’ll never take it out on the child, but Jessica will know. 

I hope I’m wrong.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I picked Kevin and Jessica up at the airport. They looked very tanned, relaxed, and happy. I breathed a sigh of relief. I took them home to freshen up then off to the party. As we had all hoped Kevin was touched by the effort we had put in to make this good. He couldn’t help but laugh at our decorations though. Talk about cheesy. We did that on purpose.

~*~Kevin~*~  
This was the best party I’d ever been thrown. The love and support of my little brothers and Tracie was written all over everything. They had done everything by hand and it looked it. I’d keep the big white sheet they spray painted with "Congrats Kevin and Jessica". It looked like a sign from a concert. I recognized the handwriting as Nick’s. He even had to squish up the letters at the end because he was running out of room.

Jessica and I had a good time on our honeymoon. We laid on the beach, shopped at the local stores, and relaxed. I went out on a jet ski for a few hours. I wouldn’t let her go. Gotta protect the baby. I watched her and thought about our child growing inside her. That was a pretty damned amazing thing. One night as we laid in bed I put my hand on her stomach and watched her reading. Just watched. I felt things for her I hadn’t felt before. I can’t say that I felt "in love" with her, but I felt different. A respect and love for her giving me this gift. It was kind of overwhelming. I liked it. I found myself slipping into that feeling whenever I’d watch her. I’d imagine her big with our child, when I’d get to hear the heartbeat, and eventually feel movement.

I grabbed Tracie and pulled her to the side and told her everything. I saw the relief wash over her, "You can stop worrying about me."

"Maybe a little."

"I think it’ll be ok. She’s a friend and I love her for having our child. We’ll be ok." I didn’t feel like I was trying to convince myself anymore. I did think I would be happy. That my marriage and family would be a source of joy for me. I felt good about my, about our, future.

Jessica had a good time at the party too. She hung in there for me. I knew she was tired, but every time I asked her if she wanted to go she said no. She said that it was our party and we should stay and have fun. It was after midnight when I saw her sitting at a table close to nodding off. I walked over and knelt down beside her, "Time for us to go, little momma."

"I’m fine, you keep partying. I’ll just sit here."

That was cool, "It’s ok. It was a long trip. Have to take care of the baby."

We said our goodbyes and headed home. First night as a married couple in our house.

~*~Tracie~*~  
That went very well. It was fun and the newlyweds looked happy. The rest of us stayed and partied until dawn.


	21. Chapter 21

~*~AJ~*~  
Things were normal. I think all of us had this fear that things would be a lot different. Like there would be phone calls saying, "Come home" and shit. So far so good and by the end of the week we were all breathing a little easier. We were busy doing meetings and thinking about direction with the next CD. Kevin was his normal self, bossy, opinionated, bitchy at times. He did call home if we were going to be running late. That was cool. That was the only change though. Even with the meetings this was a down time for us. We had more free time than we were used too. Some of it we would spend hanging together assing off and some was spent as far from each other as possible. You get tired of each other when you’re together all the time, but then we’re all friends and we enjoy hanging with each other. I tend to divide it into work us and play us. Touring is work us and we get sick of each other. This was play us and we liked to play with each other. Touring had play time, but not the relaxed pace. When we got down time on the road it was a blessing and we all seemed to try and squeeze as much in as we could. That tended to take away some of the fun of it. Not now though. Kevin went with to play golf with Brian and I. He and I went to hang with Tracie on Thursday. No difference there. They were still the same. Made me think I may have been reading more into that than was there.

Kevin and Jessica had a cook out on Saturday with just the core group of us. Pam was in town and making Nick miserable. She had expected that every second of his down time would be with her, and went on and on about how she wasn’t good enough for him and he deserved someone who wasn’t so insecure. I couldn’t argue against her point. He stayed attached to her hand most of the night and talking with her. Angela came with me and had a great time. She fit in just fine with everyone. She didn’t put ties on me and didn’t need constant attention. I wonder if Pam realized that if she didn’t demand so much she’d get more? All of us hate being made to do shit. Like if we have to do a "Meet and Greet" at a time that’s really inconvenient we’ll just get through it, but if we have some say in our time everyone will have a good time. Howie had a new girl with him. Seemed nice enough. Howie girls never lasted too long. He liked being a player too much. Lee had a boy toy with her. She didn’t pay him much attention. She was such a man.

Tracie came alone.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I had no use for a man right now. It had been a few weeks since I ended it with Scott and I wasn’t in the mood for dealing with any of that dating shit right now. I wasn’t sad, angry, or anything, I was enjoying being alone. Jessica had been having trouble with morning sickness and called it a night early. She was green, which is not a good color for her. Kevin informed us all we weren’t going anywhere, it was a slumber party. Everyone drank themselves into a stupor then. Always fun to watch.

"No date?" Kevin came to me as things were winding down.

I laughed, "Nope."

He took my hand and we headed to the couch, "You ok?"

I stretched out, "I am fine. I have no desire to date. No complications."

"Just checking. I feel like it’s been all about me lately."

I grinned, "It has been all about you."

He actually rolled his eyes at me, "I know, so I’m checking in."

"I know, I love you for it. Really I’m fine. This is the way I do it. After a relationship I take some total me time. I’m disgusted with the whole dating concept then I get back to normal."

Nick came in the room, "Is this a private party or can I play?"

I moved over and gave him my spot, "Absolutely. Where is Pam?"

"Way passed out. She’s celebrating. I asked her to move here. In with me."

Kevin and I stopped breathing at exactly the same moment. I spoke, "Nicky, are you sure? I mean, are things going ok?"

He shook his head, "Ok. I think her living with me will be even better. She always wonders what I’m doing when she’s not around. This way she’ll see it’s no big deal. Nothing to it."

Kevin and I exchanged a glance. Both of us knowing it would just be something else. Never enough. We let him sleep on the couch too.


	22. Chapter 22

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica and I had our first fight on Sunday. First married fight. She was pissed that Nick, Tracie, and I had stayed up all night. I wasn’t having any of that. I nicely, but firmly, informed her that if one of my friends needed me I would still be there for them. She said something about my priorities, which pissed me off, "My priorities are fine. You were asleep. I checked in on you a few times. I stayed up with my friends one night. No one lost anything."

She shouldn’t have gone here, "What happens when the baby comes? Are you still going to do this?"

I got very calm and spoke quietly, "I will always be there for my child. Not up for discussion. But that does not mean that I neglect my wants and needs. I may be a father, but I’m still a man and a friend. If everything is fine with my child I can be with my friends. My child will always come first and every one of my friends understands. Too bad that you don’t."

I spent the night at AJ’s. I called and let Jessica know. I didn’t go to Tracie’s because I knew she’d send me home to work it out. I didn’t want to go home.

I love Monday! Oops, forgot. I don’t lie. I hate Monday. That’s not right either. Really the whole concept of weekdays and weekends are irrelevant in this business. It’s not like we work Monday through Friday then have the weekend off. I hated this day, when I had to go back to work after a few days off. It just happens to be a Monday. Could have just as easily been Thursday. Me and the guys were getting together to start writing some songs for the new album. We had talked shit to death and it was time to do something. We had rented some studio time and were there all day. Writing with all of us is turning out to be a little bumpy. No surprise there. We all have pretty strong opinions and have to hash shit out. Loudly. Unfortunately I tend to be the loudest and most prone to blowing up, with Nick a very close second. I’m sure the fight with my wife wasn’t making my mood any better.

Tracie showed up and brought us all lunch. Brought each of us our favorite foods. What a girl. She dropped it off, kissed us all, told us not to kill each other, and left. I went home pretty late. Jessica was already asleep when I crawled into bed. I was gone before she woke up. I know, shitty, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it right now.

We were making some good progress when my cell phone rang. My home number. Jessica. Damn it, I was not in the mood for this. I didn’t answer, let it roll over to voice mail. Five seconds later it was ringing again. Fine! "Kevin, it’s Nadia, Jessica’s old roommate. You need to come home."

"What’s wrong?" Something was up.

"Jessica is having a miscarriage."

Just as simple as that. I felt like I was in one of those movies when the actor zooms forward and the scenery sucks backward. It was the second time in the last month I heard a dream dying. I hung up and headed for the door.

AJ yelled after me, "What’s wrong?"

"Jessica is losing the baby."

I don’t remember the drive home. I ran into the house past Nadia and up the stairs to our bedroom. Jessica was curled up in a ball on her side. She was quiet, but I could see the tear stains on her face. I sat down on the bed and laid my hand on her arm, "Jess?"

She sat up and wrapped her arms around me, "I’m sorry, Kevin. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry, don’t hate me."

"Jessica, I don’t hate you. What happened?"

"I started bleeding this afternoon. I called the doctor. He said that some spotting was normal and to get off my feet. I called Nadia to come over and I went to bed. The bleeding got worse. I called the doctor back and he said there wasn’t anything to be done. This early in the pregnancy miscarriage isn’t that unusual and I should just stay in bed."

I couldn’t stop the tears. Our baby was gone. "I’m sorry, Jess." We held onto each other and cried. I told her it would be ok. That she would be fine. I apologized some more. We cried some more. She fell asleep in my arms. I laid her down, tucked her in, and went downstairs.

"She asleep?" Nadia asked.

"Yeah, thanks for being here. I wish she would have called sooner."

"I think she wanted it to be nothing. Telling you would make it real." Nadia picked up her purse, "I’m going home now. I’ll call in the morning and see how she’s doing."

I showed her out then went back to the living room. I sank into the chair I had dreamed of rocking my child in and cried. Cried for the child we’d lost, and cried for the mess I had made of my life.

An hour later I went up and checked on Jessica. She was awake and I helped her to the bathroom. God, could this get any worse? She was crying again when she came out. The bleeding. Knowing that was our child. I held her again and she cried herself back to sleep.

I went back downstairs and sat staring into space. I was snapped out of it when there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find Tracie, "Tell me what you need me to do. If this is something you two need to do alone tell me to leave."

I was so happy to see her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her inside and hugged her. Maybe I let her hug me, "I need a friend right now. I need you."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I had gone back and forth with myself since AJ called and told me what was going on. I knew this was something that he and Jessica were alone in, but then I knew all the other stuff that he would be doing to himself. I paced, and argued with myself for a couple of hours before deciding to go over to their house. I thought about calling, then realized that I needed to physically see him to make sure he was alright.

Now he was bawling his eyes out in my arms. Again. He went up and checked on Jessica then we settled on the couch. Kevin sat with his hands in his hair and leaning on his legs. I sat close, rubbing his back. "I feel like a complete asshole." He stopped.

I picked up, "Because part of you is thinking "if I’d only waited a few weeks at least I wouldn’t be married to someone I’m not in love with." Don’t do it, Kevin. You did what you thought was right, there is no way you could have known or stopped this from happening. I’d think you were crazy if you weren’t thinking that."

"I’m glad you can read my mind."

"Why do you think I’m here?" I put an arm around him and kissed his cheek. "I love you. You did good. It’s not turning out right."

"I wanted the baby, Trace." He turned those sad green eyes on me and I hurt for him.

"I know you did, baby, I know you did." I was determined not to cry. He didn’t need that. I wiped away a stray tear and sucked it up.

"Maybe this is what I get for marrying someone I’m not in love with. I lose the thing I wanted most. If I’d wanted Jessica more the baby would have lived."

"Maybe if you would have stayed home today. Maybe if Jessica would have stayed in bed since finding out. Maybe if the sky was green. You can’t do that. You’ll make yourself crazy. I don’t think it works that way. If it does you got big points for taking responsibility for your behavior in the selfless way. So that idea falls through. It just was a thing that happened, a horrible thing. Now we all pick up the pieces and go on."

"What now? What do I do?"

"Too soon, Kevin. Don’t try and figure it out tonight. Give yourself some time. You lost a baby tonight. You gotta grieve that. You have to do that with Jessica. Then figure out the rest. There’s no rush."

He hugged me, "You’re right. I’m thinking about eight and we’re on two. Thank you."

"No problem. Why don’t you go to bed and get some rest? You look beat. I’ll call in the morning."

He walked me to the door and went upstairs to be with his wife.


	23. Chapter 23

~*~Kevin~*~  
Jessica slept the rest of the night. I laid awake. No particular thought stuck around just visions of what wouldn’t be. Then I’d kick myself for thinking like that. She wasn’t that far along and I’d known about it for less than a month. It was stupid to get so fucking upset over something that wasn’t ever really anything but a short lived idea. Call me stupid then. I’m not a twenty three year old anymore. I want a kid. I was looking forward to that little piece of me and actually looking forward to the responsibility. Knowing that tiny person depended totally on me. Part of me felt like I’d let him or her down. Maybe this was God’s way of telling me I didn’t get that.

The next day I took her to the doctor to be checked out. She didn’t want me to go back with her and I respected her wishes. This was hard enough. If she wanted some privacy with her body I was fine with that. I had questions, but they were really irrelevant. Nothing that she wouldn’t ask or couldn’t wait. She came out and we left. She told me what we already knew, she had lost the baby. We were just to go home and let nature take it’s course. I felt horrible for Jessica. The doctor had told her that some clots were normal, that is gross. I can’t even imagine and I don’t want too. I want all this over.

~*~AJ~*~  
We didn’t know what to do. We went on with writing some shit without Kevin. Didn’t get much done since we all felt like shit. Blew off right after lunch and went to the club to hang with Tracie. She had talked to him after they got back from the doctor. According to her he was alright. Sad, angry, and confused, but alright. We all agreed that the go home and lose the baby approach sucked. Nick was the one to ask if she would know when "it" was gone, would she see "it". This is horrible. I think it’s horrible and I’m not going through it. I hope they block all that out. How do you deal with that?

~*~Kevin~*~  
I waited on her. Brought her anything she wanted. Did what ever she wanted. Sometimes she wanted to be alone. Sometimes she wanted me to hold her. I did some research on the Internet and was expecting the mood swings. She had some bad cramping that afternoon. I was ready with Advil and a heating pad. She seemed back to normal that evening. Denial. Read that was normal too. There was some nausea, but nothing bad. We talked some. She was looking at it as fate and could accept that. I could too, but I was still sad and angry. She was blocking all those emotions. Or not talking to me about it. I didn’t talk to her about my feelings either. I figured she was the most important thing, getting her through this. She was looking for the positives, "Now we’ll get some couple time to be newlyweds." 

Somehow I didn’t find that comforting.

Over the next few days things got back to normal. Jessica went back to work. I went back to work. We did normal things together, like nothing had happened. Except no sex for a few weeks.

The guys, Tracie, and Lee didn’t know what to do, how to act. They all came over several days later. I had seen them and we had talked, but they hadn’t seen Jess. They apologized and hugged her, but she just went on like nothing had happened.

I wasn’t sure who was reacting normally, me or her. It was "over" for her, but I was still hurting. She was sleeping a lot and headed upstairs pretty early. The rest of us sat and kept talking. Decision was that both of us were normal. Different, but normal. It wasn’t like I was overwhelmed with everything, but it wasn’t nothing either. I was also trying to deal with what this meant for my marriage. I know that if she hadn’t been pregnant I would have ended it with her. But I couldn’t do that now. I wasn’t a complete bastard. I honestly can’t say I want to stay married to her. It hasn’t been a nightmare or anything, but the reason I married her no longer exists. I will do nothing right now, of course, but when is the right time to leave your wife?

It was a week to the day when I was driving home and a call came in on my cell. I didn’t recognize the number, "Mr. Richardson?"

"Yes." I didn’t like the sound of this.

"This is Orlando Baptist Hospital. Your wife was brought in to our emergency room tonight."

"What happened? Is she ok?" Shit, here we go again.

"I don’t have any further information, you’ll have to talk to the doctor."

I cursed as I hung up and headed to the hospital. They scare the shit out of you, but won’t tell you if they’re even alive. Did she wreck her car, fall, what the hell? When I got there they told me she was in surgery and sent me up there. No one up there knew anything and sent me to sit and wait.

Maybe thirty minutes later a doctor came out and called my name. We went into a small conference room and sat down. "She should be fine. She experienced some hemorrhaging and called the ambulance. That was the right thing to do. We did a D & C to remove any tissue that didn’t pass." I shook my head, knowing that happened sometimes with miscarriages. I wasn’t prepared for his next sentence, "This happens in about two percent of the women who use RU-486. One of the side effects, but very uncommon. She didn’t lose a large amount of blood, but she’ll be tired. We’ll keep her until Wednesday morning and then she can go home, baring no complications. The bleeding and cramping should be mild and over in a few days."

I looked at him and bit my lip to keep my mouth from hanging open. I knew what RU-486 was. "Thank you. When can I see her?" I could feel my blood pressure rising.

"We just used a local. She should be back in her room by now. She’s on the tenth floor."

I pushed the elevator button and when the doors didn’t open immediately I took the stairs two at a time. My mind was going a mile a minute. I got her room number from the nurse and stopped to take a deep breath before going in. I closed her door behind me. Private room. Good. I walked to the edge of the bed and sat down, "Jessica, what happened?"

"I started bleeding worse and got scared. They said that sometimes happens after a miscarriage. It doesn’t get all the way done."

Lie! I had to see if she would lie again, straight to my face. She did. I put my hands on either side of her body and leaned in like I was going to kiss her. I stopped and stared into her eyes, "You lying bitch!"


	24. Chapter 24

~*~Kevin~*~  
The guys tell me that when I get mad my eyes get wild and I can be pretty scary. I don’t think I’ve ever been so mad in my entire life. And by the look on her face I was pretty scary. Good. She needed to be fucking scared.

"Kevin, what are you . . ."

I cut her off, she was going to keep going with this, "Stop! Just stop. Your doctor told me this is a "side effect" for RU-486 use." She curled her lips in. "When did the god damned lies start, Jessica?"

She was crying, "I don’t know."

I was in her face, "It’s pretty simple. Is the baby” I stopped because that was wrong, “was the baby even mine?"

"Yes."

"Was it an accident or did you get pregnant on purpose?"

"I quit taking the pill. I wanted to give you a child. I wanted to come first."

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, "And in your little twisted fucked up mind, trapping me into marrying you then having an abortion would make you first. Explain that one."

"I . . . thought I’d be first. But you were putting the baby before me. I thought with just a little more time you’d love me. Some time with just us."

I fisted my hands in the blankets, so tempted to hit her. I was silent then something else hit me, "The day I took you to the doctor, you got the rest of the rest of the meds then?" She just nodded. "So not only did you do this behind my back you fucking got me to drive you. Incredible. Fucking incredible."

She was crying, "Kevin, I love you."

Laughing, I started laughing. "You are some piece of work. You kill my child and have the balls to tell me you love me. I hate you. I’ve never hated anyone in my life, but I hate you. Let me tell you what’s going to happen now. You get out of here Wednesday morning. You will be at my house at noon, and you will have all your shit out of my house by five or I will have a nice fucking bonfire in the backyard. I will have divorce papers drawn up and you will sign them. You won’t fight me on shit or I’ll drag your lying murdering ass into court. You get fucking nothing of mine. Except out of my life."

"I can’t . . I’m supposed to stay in bed a few days. Where will I go so fast?"

"Don’t you understand? I don’t give a shit where you go. I don’t give a shit how you do it." I got loud, "You just fucking do it!" 

I walked out of the room and never once looked back.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Five am. Phone ringing. I groaned into the phone, "Yeah?"

"This is Buddy, I’m a bartender at Butchertown Pub. We’ve got a man here who is ripped and gave us your number to call. Says his name is Kevin."

"I’ll be right there."

What is happening now? I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and headed out the door. Fifteen minutes later I was at the bar. Kevin was sitting at the bar leaning back on a bar stool. He looked like hell. Eyes glazed over, slumping to the side, and disheveled. I walked over and put my arm around him, "Hey gorgeous."

He slid off the bar stool and hugged me, "Hey, I knew you’d come get me. I knew I could count on you. My best friend. Can I crash at your place? I don’t want to go home."

"Of course. Let’s go." I got him in my car and headed out. The drive home was filled with him rambling and making no sense. More than half of it I couldn’t even understand. I just said "uh uh" and nodded. He wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow. I didn’t know what he’d been doing, but drunk was just part of it. At my apartment I practically carried him in, which was no easy feat. I dumped him on the guest bed and took off his shoes and jeans.

He mumbled a "Thank you" then passed out. I covered him up and went back to bed for a few hours.  
It was almost four in the afternoon when Kevin got up. I was sitting in the family room reading when I heard him coming down the stairs. I watched him cross the room and sit on the chair with his head in his hands. He scratched his head and sat back, "Thank you."

I smiled, "No problem. Want some water?"

"Yeah, I’ll get it." 

I waved him off and got him a big glass. 

He drained it then sat there some more. "I need you to do a few things for me."

"Sure." Something told me to ask no questions.

"Go to my house and get me some clothes, my travel kit, make sure everything’s locked up."

"No problem. You gonna stay here a couple of days?" He didn’t need to ask. He nodded his head and looked up at me. His eyes were so sad and empty. I kissed his head and laid my hand on his face, "I’ll be right back."

No sign of Jessica at the house. The front door was unlocked. I walked around and picked up some dirty dishes and put a few things up. I went on upstairs and pulled a bag from the guest closet and packed Kevin enough things for a few days. Nothing looked different. I wondered what had happened, what was going on. I drove back to my house with a million thoughts running through my mind. Kevin met me at the door and headed upstairs.

It was almost an hour before he came back downstairs. I had dinner ready by then. He sat down at the table with me and ate. "Huge favor time. Tomorrow at noon will you go to my house and just be there while she gets her shit out."

"Of course." That was pretty much the extent of the night’s conversation. We put in a movie, but neither of us really watched it. I watched him. His facial expressions going from angry to sad to empty. Wiping away an occasional tear. I left him alone as long as I could then moved to the couch next to him. I put my arm around him. He sat there a second then laid his head on my shoulder. We stayed that way through the end of the moving, "Kevlyn, you need to go to bed, you look exhausted."

Using his nickname got a little smile, "I don’t want to."

"You don’t want to sleep . . . or you don’t want to be alone."

"Both. Mostly the second one." He looked ready to drop. I grabbed his hand and pulled him up, "Trace . . ."

"Shut up. We’re going to bed." He was like a lost little kid. I was worried about him. He did whatever I told him. I got him into my bed and laid down. It took about five seconds before he was curled up next to me with his head on my shoulder. I rubbed his back and kissed his forehead, "I love you, Kevlyn."

"I love you too, Trace. Thank you." 

Another five seconds of quiet and I could feel his body shaking. I held him closer. He let me.


	25. Chapter 25

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin was still asleep when I woke up. I laid there and watched him for about ten minutes before I got up. He was sleeping peacefully. I had woken up once last night from him tossing and turning. Whatever was going on he was struggling. Something was still telling me to leave it alone. Something in his eyes. Honestly, I didn’t need to know. I trusted that he would tell me what he needed me to know, wanted me to know. I’d do what he needed. I knew he knew that, but I’d remind him.

About nine a courier knocked on my door and asked for Kevin or me. I signed for the package and left it on the dining room table. Kevin found me in the laundry room, "Morning."

"Hey you, how you doing this morning?" I put on my best smile.

"I slept good." He walked forward and hugged me, "Thank you."

"Not needed." I rubbed his back.

"Yes . . . it is. Thank you for picking me up, letting me crash here, getting my stuff, and handling today for me. And mostly for not asking."

I backed up and held his hands, "Kevlyn, what ever you need. You know I’ll listen if you need to talk. I’m here whenever."

He hugged me again, "I know you are. I can’t, don’t want to talk about it. Not now."

"That’s cool." I kissed his cheek, "Love you, handsome."

"You too, pretty girl."

We headed back into the kitchen with our arms around each other. I pointed to the table, "Oh, that envelope came this morning."

"Thanks." He sat down and opened it. I started fixing coffee. "I have another favor to ask."

I turned and put my hand on my hip, "You are all full of favors. You’re gonna have to treat me to an amazing dinner."

"Not a problem." He waved a pack of papers at me, "I need you to witness my signature and get Jessica to sign them."

I flipped through them. Annulment papers. I looked up, "Are you positive about this? This is huge."

"I’m positive."

I signed under his signature in half a dozen places. "She gonna fight me on this? Not that it matters."

"She damn well better not. Fucking bitch."

I was ready to go by about eleven. I wanted to beat her there. "Ok, I’m off, any last minute instructions."

Kevin looked up from the book he was reading, "She gets nothing. Not so much as a q-tip."

Man, he was pissed. "Alright."

"She’s got till five. Anything left after five is firewood." He went back to reading.

"And what’s her rating, zero to ten, what’s she get?" I was bracing for a nice low number.

He never looked up, "She gets a zero."

I got in my car and headed over to his place. I called AJ and asked him to meet me over at Kevin’s. I read the annulment papers while I waited. 

AJ bopped in the door, "Ok, I bite. What are we doing here? Where’s Kevin?"

"Kevin’s at my place. Has been for two days. I’m meeting Jessica here to make sure she takes all her shit, none of his, and getting her to sign these. I wanted company." I showed him the papers.

"Annulment?" I shook my head, "How is that different than divorce?"

"Means the marriage never happened. Erases it. There has to be some kind of fraud involved. Makes the pre-nup void. She gets nothing out of this. Can’t keep his name. Nothing. The whole thing didn’t happen."

AJ’s eyes were as wide as mine had been, "He can do that?"

"He’s done that. Said she won’t fight it. Then called her a fucking bitch."

"Whoa! What did she do?"

"I don’t know. He’s not talking about it. He’s pretty tore up." I filled him in on the last few days. "I’m guessing that she was never really pregnant, faked the whole thing."

"I’d say that’s a good guess. What did he give her?"

"A zero."

"Very good guess, damn. No one’s ever gotten a zero before."

"I hear one of yours got a ten."

Jessica got there right on time. Nadia came with her and they had a small trailer. I had looked around and saw that she didn’t have a lot here. They brought in boxes and headed upstairs. Nadia started carrying down hanging clothes. AJ hung nearby. I kept my arms crossed across my chest and stayed right on her heels. I sat in the middle of the bed as she started packing things from the drawers. She looked over, "You’re going to stare at me all day."

"Not all day, but for the next five hours of your life I will take pleasure in making you miserable." I spoke with no emotion.

"I’m already miserable." 

She genuinely looked sad, but I wasn’t buying it. Nor did I care. "That’s handy." I thought for a second, "You know, what I’ve seen the last few days I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and you’ve dumped it on it my best friend, my family. You don’t get shit for sympathy for me anymore."

"I knew he’d run straight to you and tell you everything." She kept packing.

"Blah blah blah blah blah. Actually . . . I know nothing. I don’t need to. That’s the way it works with me and family. I don’t need the reasons. Blind support is all an outsider will ever see. And you . . . Jessica Kimbrell . . . are an outsider." Used her unmarried name on purpose.

Nadia carried everything out as Jessica packed it. When she took out the last box from downstairs I grabbed the papers, "You need to sign these."

She took them, glanced at them, and wiped away the tears, "He moves fast."

"When he knows what he wants." I handed her a pen.

She cried as she read and signed. Nadia grabbed her arm, "Are you sure you should sign this without a lawyer."

Jessica nodded her head and kept signing, "Tell him . . ."

I interrupted and shook my head, "No. I won’t deliver messages. My loyalty is his." I remembered something, "Rings, please."

She glared at me and handed them over. They left. AJ looked at me, "Remind me not to piss you off, you can be a cold bitch. He told you to take the rings?"

"Nope. But he said she didn’t get to take a q-tip." We both laughed.

The next few hours was spent going over the house top to bottom making sure all traces of her were gone. If we thought it was hers we got rid of it. We found her perfume in the bathroom, a pair of her panties in his underwear drawer, and a few other things hidden about. We re-arranged drawers and closets and made it look like she had never been there. We cleaned out the refrigerator and pantry. Anything that Kevin didn’t eat was gone. 

The annulment erased the marriage, we erased her.


	26. Chapter 26

~*~Kevin~*~  
Where the hell is she? It’s seven o’clock. Jessica had till five. Fucking bitch had better not being giving Tracie shit. Pacing.

I heard the car pull up and opened the door, "Finally! What took so long?"

She patted my face, "I went through and made sure all her stuff was gone and spread things out again. And I had to root through files to find receipts." 

She handed me a credit card slip. "You returned her rings?" Now that was above the call of duty.

"Yep, sixty day money back guarantee. Where is yours?"

"In a lake."

"Uhmm, that’s a good place for it."

"I thought so. Wanna go get dinner?"

I went home the next day. It was all my house again. Tracie had done a great job removing all traces of Jessica. I didn’t want to think of her anymore than I could get away from. There was nothing to remind me. Not even a q-tip.

~*~AJ~*~  
Jessica must have fucked up royally. The wrath of Kevin is swift and painful.

He was back in the studio the next day, "Guys, Jessica is gone. Marriage is over. Didn’t happen. Let’s get to work."

He walked in the studio. We looked at each other and followed.

After that it was business as usual. Kevin did his job and was back to hanging out all night and partying. He ignored all women in his path except Tracie and Lee. I know he got hit on and he ignored them. Didn’t want a thing to do with them.

Let’s talk about Nick for a moment. It seems that Kevin is stable for a second. I don’t like Pam. She moved in and in effect she moved Nick out. But it’s ok, she asked permission before she did it, "Nick, there’s no place for my collection of ceramic skunks, can I move your awards and put them there." You get the picture. Nick let her do it all. He said he wanted her to feel at home and a part of his life. Angela and I went over there for dinner. I nearly threw up. She is so damn needy. We went out dancing and she watched his eyes. He looked in the direction of a woman and she pouted, "You think she’s prettier than me." He reassured her. She got drunk and it got worse, "You regret me moving in don’t you? You don’t get to hang out with your friends and hook up with the groupies anymore and you hate me for it." It kept going. Nick tried to get her to stop, but it didn’t help. I said something about her needing to sober up and her not meaning it. He said this wasn’t about being drunk. She felt like this. He tried to get her to see how much she means to him, but he couldn’t do it. He was still making it all about him. I didn’t know how to make him see it wasn’t about him. It was about her. I believed that she had low self-esteem, but she used that to make him feel like shit. Then I realized that I was doing the same thing, taking responsibility for him, trying to make him see it wasn’t about him. He had to figure it out for himself. I needed to back off, support him, but not pester. Disagree, but support. Then be there when he figured it out.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I talked to Nick. Lord knows I’d been through enough shit that I felt I had some level of expertise in the matter. We had all watched this go on. "Nick, you can’t make this all about you. It’s not. She’s insecure, and she makes you feel like shit. I hate this. I hate watching this. Get pissed if you want, but I have to say it."

"Kev, I love you for trying to make it right. I know she’s not perfect, but I love her. I want this to work and it’s getting better since she moved in. Most of the time it’s fine. Just every now and then I screw up and she gets insecure. It’s ok, don’t worry about me. You have yourself to worry about. Are you ok?"

"I’m fine. Moving on. Trying to forget it all."

"Can you do that? You haven’t gone out or anything."

He meant got laid, not gone out. "Nick, it’s been two weeks since I kicked her out."

"That’s a long time for you."

I realized his was right. I went out that night with Howie. Picked up a girl, got laid, then left. She was nice. But she said something about a date. No thanks.

~*~Tracie~*~  
The next month was bizarre. I remember when we all met about a year ago and we were "young and free". We had a ball and were invincible. Now I sat back and looked at us. We were like casualties in some war that no one won. Nick was living with a vampire that was slowly sucking the life out of him. Like all good vampires she did it so slowly that he didn’t notice and no one could battle it. AJ was still with Angela, but he was drinking more. He needed lots of attention and made sure he got it. Howie never settled down, always something new. Nothing new for him. Brian was fine. Lee went from guy to guy, short lived, but nothing significant. Kevin was fucking his way through his annulment, but never went out on a date. Me. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. We would still all get together and we had fun, but there were things there that weren’t before. Scar tissue. Kevin and I still stayed up talked to all hours and crashing on couches. Our relationship was the one thing I counted on to stay the same. We never talked more about what had happened with Jessica. There were times I could see the hurt there. When a mom and a baby went by. I’d watch him picked up the night’s conquest and see the total distrust there. I hated it all.

The guys went to California for two weeks. Making a video and doing some early promotional stuff. The CD was nowhere near ready, but they were putting out a single just to keep their name out there.

Lee and I were laying in the pool at Kevin’s drinking Margarita’s, "I miss how things were. Three months ago even."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Back before Kevin didn’t get married, before Nick moved the vampire in, when AJ didn’t crave so much attention. Before you swore off men."

I took a long drink, "I haven’t sworn off men."

~*~Lee~*~  
Yes, she had. "Tracie, when is the last time you had a date?"

"Long time ago."

"When’s the last time you had sex?"

She smiled, "Last night."

"You and Kevin are doing this no-dating only have sex thing. Which is fine. But both of you want more." Anyone besides me see where I’m going? AJ and I had a little talk before they left. "I understand him more than I do you. Whatever it is she did left some wounds and the annulment isn’t final yet. What is it you’re doing?"

"I’m not going to settle for non-exciting again. I want what I want. And with all the shit that’s going on I don’t want the hassle."

Wow. She seemed to believe this. My theory, which AJ supports, is that she is rating every man she meets against Kevin. Not physically, but that intimacy and emotional connectedness. There is not a chance in hell someone will measure up. I know very few people who ever have the type of relationship they have. She wants the same thing only in a lover. I say, why recreate it, just fuck the original. "I think you’re deluding yourself. You know exactly what you want, you’re just to scared to see it."

"What are you talking about?"

"See, I’ve thought about just telling you. You wouldn’t believe me. You need to work this one out on your own. Just remember that when you figure it out and it all hits you, I’ll be here. I promise I won’t say I told you so. I’ll just be your friend."

We went back to floating. She is really good at blocking out what she doesn’t want to see. Filtering it all. I wish I could float like a fluffball too. I wish I felt like she does about him. I wish I could be as happy as she’ll be once she remembers why she passed out after his wedding. Maybe her being really drunk is a good idea.

All night teen movie fest for us. "Sixteen Candles", "Breakfast Club", "St. Elmo’s Fire", "Pretty in Pink." Ah to be 13 again. I’d kill myself first. About three am the phone rang. I knew who it was, "Hello, Kevin."

Loud, he was really loud, "Hey! What you doing? Who is this? Didn’t I call my house? Hello!"

I held the phone away from my ear, "Trace, it’s your best friend, Drunky Poo." Said that best friend thing on purpose. I don’t think a day has gone by without them talking. Maybe once when they were shooting the video late.

Should have seen her jump for the phone, "Hey, Kevlyn!"

~*~Tracie~*~  
"Hey, there you are? Guess what . . . I am so fucking wasted."

She laughed, "I can tell. How are things going?"

"Excellent. Finished the video today. Partying. Ok, so we’ve been partying all along. Dammit, leave me alone." There was rustling sound.

"Tracie, oh Tracie. I love you, Tracie."

"Hi Nick. You drunk too?"

"Hell, yes. Way drunk. Way way way way way way way drunk. Ouch, fuck off."

"I smacked his arm. He just got a new tattoo." Kevin was laughing.

"That’s not nice."

"It’s my phone call. I wish the hell you were out here. This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time. But I miss you."

"I miss you too. You’ll be home in a week right?" I was formulating a plan.

"Na, early. We’re done. We’ll be home in three days. I want to sleep in my bed. Alone. I haven’t slept alone since we’ve been here."

~*~AJ~*~  
Things were better with all of us on the other side of the country from everyone else in our life. Well, for everyone, but Kevin. Away from our real lives. I wonder if the fans realize that we have real lives too. I know that they use BSB as a way to escape their lives, we do too. That’s part of what was making things better, the other was we had some time to re-connect. Just us. It was the first time we had a chance to do that since everything started. It got Nick away from Pam, and he was fun again. We kept him really busy and didn’t give him time to call her. We knew she’d be playing those head games. We knew he’d get it for not calling when he got home, but at least it would be once, not every day. And there was that little part of us that hoped she would get pissed and leave him. He’d be better off.  
I used the opposite approach with Kevin, "Have you talked to Tracie?" "I miss Tracie, can’t wait to get home." As much as we kept Nick away from Pam, I threw Kevin into Tracie. He was pretty much staying drunk or stoned. Became very clear that she was the one who grounded him. He didn’t do this in Orlando, at least not to this degree. He also was fucking with a vengeance. I watched him feel nothing. Like if he fucked enough and walked away it would stop his pain. If he kept fucking he wouldn’t miss having more, as long as his libido was satisfied. Bad thing about empty sex is it does a bad job of that. There was a little humor in watching him get all his emotional strength and needs met with Tracie, then go out and fuck someone. Maybe he was really looking for her and couldn’t find her.  
I drank less. I get bored and starved for attention when I’m not performing. So I go out more, and drink more. At least I know what I’m doing.


	27. Chapter 27

~*~Tracie~*~  
I had an idea. I kept thinking about what had made things so good. We would party with everyone, but then we’d break off and party with just us. It had been a long time since we did that. Actually, since the party when Kevin told us he was getting married. That’s been months ago. I wonder why we drifted away from that? Oh yeah, Kevin actually got married. Then all that shit. But why not in the last month? We didn’t have secrets from each other then, either. And I wondered if when they weren’t on tour if there was a drifting apart. That would make sense. They weren’t living under each other anymore, makes sense to need some time apart. But this was too far apart. At least for me. It did wonders for Lee and I to get back to being kids, watching those stupid old movies. I wondered it the same might be true for all of us.

I had invitations hand delivered to them at the studio where they were doing final revisions to the video.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Cute. Tracie is throwing us a welcome home party. At my house. She has given us all "Super Secret Nicknames" that we must use to enter the party. I’m not allowed in my house until the party. I’m to go to her apartment and get ready. And we’re all to bring our favorite childhood game. We were issued a warning that if one of us chose to just bring "a bottle" that we should remember we would be kissing each other as well. She was ruining that one. We’re to be there at seven. Last one there has to eat paste.

They think she’s kidding.

We all went out to FAO Schwartz and bought games.

On the plane trip home we had a meeting. There have been a few times over the years when we’ve done this, to clear the air. I started. I always started, "I think that being away was good. We always drift apart off tour, but this time has been different. A lot of things have happened. Hell, that’s mostly about me. And I’m sorry for not talking more about this. I can’t."

AJ jumped in, "It hasn’t been fun watching you do this, Kev. Drinking, getting stoned, fucking randomly. First you stayed away from anything female, then you over indulge. What’s going on?"

"I don’t know. I guess I’m trying to forget. I don’t want a relationship. Don’t want to trust. She destroyed that."

"It’s gonna eat you up until you deal with it. You need to talk to someone, hell, you’re not even talking to Tracie. You fucking tell Tracie everything."

I knew this was out of love, "I can’t. Not yet. Too soon."

AJ pulled me into a hug, "We worry. You’re not yourself."

"I know." I did know that. Trust had always been hard for me. I knew what real friendships and relationships were about before this. I thought I could trust Jessica. I was careful. I was wrong. More wrong that I had ever been in my entire life. I didn’t know how to deal with that, my part in the death of my own child.

I had lost myself in the work and spent time not thinking about this. Keeping myself numb to it all. Now was time to stop that. Cut back on my excesses. Use other ways to cope. I knew that may mean talking and facing what had happened.

~*~AJ~*~  
Nick was the next on the list. We talked more about Pam and her effect on him. "Nick, man, I know that you love her, but love shouldn’t be so hard. You do nothing wrong and you think you do. She makes you think you do. You were fun again these last few weeks. You were just being Nick. Not the Nick you have to be to keep Pam happy. The should be the same, don’t you think?"

Nick ran his fingers through his hair, "I had fun. It’s been awhile since I’ve had fun. I should be looking forward to seeing her and I’m happy that Tracie has planned a party that she’s not invited too. We’re going to have to have a long talk."

I got the drinking too much lecture. I knew they were right too. I had gotten a little too out of control. It was almost a cycle with me.

Good thing about these sorts of talks with us. We had laid the ground rules long ago that anything said was said with respect and love. We all agreed to listen, and try to hear. We also had agreed to not get mad, but that didn’t always work.

~*~Nick~*~  
I went on home to relax a little before the party. I was looking forward to the party. Yes, we’d been partying the last two weeks, but that was work partying. Partying with other artists and industry people, having to be on. It really sucks when you can’t even relax and be yourself at a party. Gotta work that baby. Tonight we could relax and have fun. I was bringing Twister and a little bottle of cooking oil!  
Pam was waiting at the door. Naked. So far so good. We made love before saying anything to each other. We lay there quiet for a little while. "Nick, stay here. Don’t go to the party. You’ve been gone so long. Stay with me."

"Pam, we need this. We need to come back together. I can’t really explain it all. This is important for us. To me. We need this."

"What about me. About us. I need you." She was using the pouty voice. 

It wasn’t working though. "This has nothing to do with you and I. We are fine as far as I’m concerned. Don’t do this, don’t make this an issue. I realize it’s my first night home, but you get me until six. That gives us time to be together, don’t ruin it, baby. I love you." I was begging.

"I’m not the one ruining anything. You’re the one leaving. You don’t want me anymore. Out in California you found someone else didn’t you? Prettier than me. I knew this would happen."

"Stop it! I did not. I don’t walk around looking for anyone. I have someone and you’re all I need. All I want. Pam, you’re ruining this with all your suspicions and insecurities. Please, stop." I got up, "I’m getting ready and I’m leaving. You need to think about what you want and what you’re willing to do. Decide if you’re going to trust me or not."

I took a shower, got dressed, and went over to Howie’s.


	28. Chapter 28

~*~Kevin~*~  
I got to Tracie’s and took a long hot shower. Trying to wash away the guilt and ugliness of the last month. I needed to move past all this. I needed to get my life back together. I have good friends who care and will do anything for me. I’ve always had secrets, dark parts in my life, that I manage and deal with just fine. It takes time to move on and effort. Tonight I start over, moving on. Party with my closest friends. I can’t say I won’t drink, or get stoned, or fuck anymore. That’s unrealistic and more than a little silly. But it will be recreational and not to escape. I need the annulment papers in my hands. My lawyer told me three months from the date we signed them. It strikes me as ironic that it takes three times the length of my farce of a marriage to get out of it. I am the type of person who needs things tied up in neat little passages. I won’t be able to totally put it behind me until I have those papers.

I raided Tracie’s fridge and laughed as I found a note on my favorite flavor of yogurt, "I knew you’d come looking for me. Welcome home, Kevlyn". I ate and thought about her. She is the best friend. She pushed when I needed pushing and left it alone when I didn’t. She instinctively knew not to push this one. I had asked a lot of her. Letting me stay with her, babysitting Jessica at my house, and getting her to sign the papers. Tracie did it all without a thought, without a question. I owed her a lot. I owed her an explanation. 

Someday.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Lee and I spent all day making preparations for the party. Transforming Kevin’s orderly little house into a playroom. We moved all the furniture and put up a play house. We got this tent like thing. It had a big main area then those tunnels that went to different areas. One area was a space pod with a steering wheel that made shooting sounds. We’d lose Kevin there. There was a section that led to a blow up boat, it was big and bouncy. Good-bye Nick. I even put a blow up shark to the side. Small maze of tunnels. You had to navigate the tunnels to get to the main room. You’re wondering how big is Kevin’s living room. Well, if you move all the furniture from the living room and dining room, it’s pretty damn big. We rented a space jumping thing that was set up in the back yard and you could climb to the top to slide into the swimming pool. We had rented a ton of cartoons and those would be the background noise. We had filled the house with nothing but junk food. Chips, cookies, pizzas, burgers, hot dogs, and brownies. "Special brownies". Adult brownies. We had "Special Jello" in ice cube trays in the fridge too. To appease AJ we made some obscene jello. It would be kind of fun to watch the guys eat a cherry jello penises.

They were due at six. It was 5:30 when the doorbell rang. I looked out the door and saw Kevin. I opened the door, keeping it chained, "You’re half an hour early." I was actually very excited to see him.

"I know. But one, it’s my house. Two, they think you’re kidding about making them eat paste. I know better. Not risking it."

"What is your super secret nickname?" I said in a sing song voice.

"Snot face." He rolled his eyes.

I opened the door and flung myself in his arms, "I’m so glad you’re home. I worried about you when I couldn’t see you, and I knew you were hurting."

~*~Kevin~*~  
"How did you know that?" Absolutely amazing.

"I know you. You like to party, but not like that. You were numbing out."

I kissed her, "I love you. It’ll be better now, I’m gonna get myself back under control." I backed up and read her name tag, "Fancy Pants?"

"I have on sequined panties."

I patted her ass as I walked by, "How nice for you." I saw my family room, "Holy shit! What have you done to my house?"

"It’s now a play ground."

Lee walked in. I hugged her and checked out her name tag, "Ultra Girl, nice to see you."

She smashed a name tag on my chest, "Good boy, we only use our nicknames tonight, snot face."

Half hour later the others were there and wearing name tags. Nick was "stinky fart", that was fitting. Brian was "pissy pants", some days that was true. Howie was "sloshy shorts". And AJ was "booger eater", god I hope not. AJ was also last to arrive.

Tracie came running out of the kitchen, "AJ, new concoction, it’s got JD in it. Tell me what you think. Think electric jello."

AJ was always game for something involving JD and opened his mouth. I cringed. AJ cleaned the spoon and rolled the substance around in his mouth, then made a face and started smacking his mouth, "That’s horrible, what the fuck is that?"

I was already laughing so hard I could barely breathe, "Man, she just fed you paste!"

AJ started spitting and wiping his tongue, then started licking Tracie’s shirt, "You are such a bitch."

"She told you last to arrive ate paste. You need to believe her. I got here early."

Tracie was laughing as he continued wiping off his tongue, "You were easy."

"I’m gonna find something to get this taste out of my mouth. That was nasty." He was laughing as he left the room. He came back eating a brownie, "Tracie, remind me to never let you cook for me. How do you fuck up brownies? These taste like they have grass in them."

Tracie and Lee looked at each other and made a shocked face with their fingers over their mouths. 

Nick stood up, "No way! Excellent." He took off for the kitchen with the rest of us right on his heels.

We brought the girls back brownies too. "Love you, love you, love you, fancy pants. I haven’t had pot brownies in forever."

"God, they taste bad, but feel so good." I said. It was different high from smoking. And it seemed to last 24 or so hours. I got a distinct feeling this wouldn’t be a one night party. I don’t know how they knew how much we needed a party with just the five of us, but they did. Them serving as hostesses and good friends made it complete. Like always we didn’t have to be anything with them. We had other friends like that, but none were as close as Tracie to me, and that brought along Lee. Tracie is the only one with the access to me and the only one I can think of who would do something like this. And a party with pot brownies, electric jello, bizarre name tags, and children’s toys is something we would only ever get into in a secured private place. Meaning one of our homes. I should never have given her a key, look at my house. Really for all my bitching I loved it and she knew it.

It took Nick three minutes to be crawling through tunnels and bouncing his ass in the toy boat. It took me a brownie and a jello shot to be in the pilot seat and shooting at invisible alien invaders. AJ, Brian, Lee, and Tracie started at four ends of the tunnel and had a race to see who could make it out first. Howie was the judge. They were messed up and I’m not sure anyone won. Lee got stuck in a tunnel with Brian. Not really, but Brian enjoyed it. A little simulated 69 action. Tracie came up for air in my space pod. I looked down between my legs to see her face laughing, "Woo hoo, what a view, snot face."

"Oh god, oh fancy pants, oh yeah, do me baby." Ask how quick the others looked over. I’m a moaner not a talker. And my best friend, get real.


	29. Chapter 29

~*~AJ~*~  
This is one kick ass party. We got so stupid. It was good to be able to cut loose together. Worked perfect with our plane conversation. The jello cocks were priceless. We took pictures of each of up sucking one of those babies down. I, of course, had to lick and tease mine first. I think I got a little hard watching the ladies do that.

I would guess it was about three am when we had just finished a joint and Fancy Pants told us it was time to go outside. "Oh cool, a bouncing thing." I crawled through the door and started jumping. Nick was next in and was bouncing my skinny ass into the walls. "Damn, Nick!"

I heard Kevin say, "Is this safe?" Then a big splash. Then some cursing. Brian did it.

Tracie joined us in the jumpy thing and we were laughing so hard we nearly peed our pants. Pretty quick it was all seven of us in there. Kevin flung his hair around and sprayed us all with water. He was dripping water everywhere and we were bitching at him. Little known fact. If we took a vote Kevin would be voted most likely to remove his clothes at a party . . . Ha! You thought it would be me. Kevin’s pretty proud of his body. Likes his ass a lot. We cleared out as his clothes came off. He went upstairs, put on clothes and rejoined the party. We were chilling out now and munching. By dawn we were all asleep all over the room.

~*~Nick~*~  
I woke up about two. I was starving and I smelled food. Lee and Tracie were cooking. I walked into the kitchen, "That smells delicious."

Lee made a face, "Aw, you’re not supposed to wake up. We were gonna wake you all up."

"I’m sorry. I think. What were you gonna do to me?"

Tracie kissed me, "Morning wake up kiss."

Lee followed suit. I like this a lot. "Excellent. How bout I watch the food and you two go wake up the others."

~*~Lee~*~  
Nick is so cute in the morning. He looks like a little kid. His clothes are all ruffled and his hair is funky. Now surveying the room. AJ even sleeps sexual, hand on his inner thigh. Damn sexy. Brian is a little kid, curled on his side. Howie has his arms and legs sprawled all over, taking up as much room as possible. Kevin is face down with one arm and one leg hanging off the couch. He should be proud of that ass. 

I wish Nick was still asleep. 

We started with Howie and got on both sides of him and kissed his cheek. He smiled and woke up.

Brian got two consecutive kisses. 

AJ grabbed us and humped my leg.   
Kevin rubbed his face against the couch and told us to leave him alone. You can bet his ass was happy when he smelled bacon. We had cooked quite a spread, bacon, eggs, sausage, toast, pancakes. Lots of coffee. 

We had brownies for dessert.

~*~Tracie~*~  
We took turns showering and then resumed playing. We took a little vote and decided we weren’t quite done. We unplugged the phones and turned off the cells.

We chilled watching cartoons then started playing games. Nothing quite like a little game of drink Candyland. If you got a single square card you had to drink, which means 75% of the time you drank. Then on to Cooties. This gave AJ some sort of flashback. We were pretty well toasted when Nick brought out Twister.

I laughed, "Weren’t you humiliated enough the first time."

He spread out the mat, "You will not win this time."

He was right. I lost early. It was AJ and Nick who were last in the game. Lee was the one to cover them in oil. That was fun. AJ liked that a little too much. AJ fell. Play naked or lose. He chose to play naked.

Kevin and Brian were cringing. Lee was taking pictures. AJ yelled, "It’s only a dick, ladies."

I replied, "Yeah, but it’s a ‘new to us’ dick."

Nick was trying not to touch any part of AJ, "I liked your breasts much much better." Then he fell. He wasn’t getting naked, so AJ won. He did a great naked victory dance complete with thrusting and rubbing his oily body all over Lee and I. Not that we really minded.

I took off for the pool and jumped in. Everyone joined me shortly. Howie brought a joint and we passed that around as we talked. They turned on me. AJ started, "We had a talk on the way home, you should have been included."

"What did you talk about?" I took a long hit, knowing I was gonna get it.

"Nick and Pam, Kevin and me over indulging. You should have been there."

"I’m fine."

"When was the last time you had a man in your bed."

Kevin chimed in, "And he stayed overnight."

I glared at him, "Traitor." I thought a minute, then smiled "About a month ago."

Kevin looked over again, "That doesn’t count. It was me."

AJ snapped his head over, "I don’t know, did it count?"

We both looked at him, "No, it didn’t count."

I thought a second, "Too much going on to think about a man, and I’m just not in the mood to date."

Nick laughed, "What is in the mood?"

"I don’t want to think about having to make nice and put on that happy early dating face. Trying to get to know someone. Jeez, it’s only been like two months since Scott and I broke up. It’s not like I’ve become a man-hating bitch or turned celibate. I’m just not interested in a relationship."

Kevin put his arm around me and kissed my head, "I think that’s fine. Keep you single so you’ll cook for us."

I yanked one of his chest hairs, "Pig."

"Bitch." We hugged as we laughed. Then he pushed me away and strode off in the direction of AJ. He backed him to the wall, "You called my best friend a bitch yesterday. I should smash you for that."

"You just called her a bitch."

"Yes, but she’s my best friend. I can do that." He picked him up and threw him in the water.

We spent the night laughing and talking and playing. It was like old times. We were all happy. Things were said that needed to be said, letting us each know that the others saw and cared. Mostly in a joking fun way. Making fun of each others foibles, but zinging each other when we found a blind spot. This was a good time.

The next morning Kevin and Brian cooked for all of us. They waited on Lee and I. We soaked that up.

Everyone left around three and went back to their other lives. All of use having reconnected and feeling very safe and loved. Greatest feeling in the world. We all hugged and kissed goodbye. None of us really wanting to leave. Out of everyone Nick held on the longest. He had gotten a glimpse of his life again. Not having to be on guard and being accepted, even for his stinky farts. He spent a lot of time thanking me for doing this, and for being there for his big brother. He spent a lot of time with Lee as well, thanking her for everything. She got him laughing about something and they hugged again. It was great to see Nick laughing again. It had been too long.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie stayed and helped me finish cleaning up. The guys were great about helping clean the mess they made. We cleaned in silence. It was a comfortable silence. It took a few hours to finish then we sat down. We just looked at each other for several minutes. I decided I should say something, "I really am ok."

She smiled, "I hope so."

She wasn’t convinced, "Trace, I thought she was safe, that I could trust her. Even though I wasn’t in love with her, I trusted her."

"I know you did." She chewed her lip, something I hadn’t seen her do before, "I didn’t trust her. Something made me not trust her. Nothing she said or did, just a feeling I had. I should have listened. I might have been able to stop this."

"Oh, no, you don’t. You don’t feel guilty about this."

She shook her head, "Yes, I do. I’ve never seen you look so sad and lost as you did those days. I’m your best friend. I should have seen through her when you didn’t."

I moved next to her and hugged her, "I love you for thinking that, but you’re gonna have to trust me on this one. No way in hell either of us could have seen through her. Thank god neither of us have a mind like hers."

"I’m sorry. This is about you and I’m whining." She kissed my cheek and moved away, "Do you want to talk about what happened?"

I shook my head, "No. Nothing to say. I was taken for a ride." I laughed, "Hell, I even drove part of the way."

Somehow the knowledge that I drove her for the last part of the abortion stuck with me and was hardest for me to shake. Made it feel like I was in on it. I know I wasn’t, but what if I’d gone in the office with her? Could I have stopped it? 

Tracie saw me thinking and took my hand, "I still see that look in your eyes."

"Better though?"

"Yes, better. But I hate it. Not my Kevlyn."

I smiled at the nickname, "I think it’s gonna be damned near impossible for me to trust again."

"I hate her for that."

I nodded my head, "I hate her for that too. I just hate her in general."

She hugged me, "I’m sorry."

"Me too." I held on for a while. She was the one person I knew I could trust with this. Yes, I could trust the guys, but this was different. The guys would get mad and stomp and storm and understand. Tracie would hold me and let me cry. Even cry with me. I was angry, but it was the sad sort of angry where part of it was needing to cry. I knew that and I kept telling myself to tell her, but I couldn’t. Not yet. "Trace, I know that I need to talk about this. Just not yet. I don’t know why, and I don’t know when. Just not yet."

"I won’t push you, Kevlyn."

"I know that."

"Unless I see you start to spiral down, and then I’ll push."

"I count on that."

We put in a Bugs Bunny movie and crashed on the couch.


	30. Chapter 30

~*~Tracie~*~  
The next week was normal. I mean for real normal, not the last few months normal. It felt good again. I was laughing and smiling my way through the day. I felt like everyone was doing well again. AJ would show up with his sunglasses on because it was sunny and not because he was so hungover that he looked like hell. Nick was laughing and goofy again. Kevin was better. He would still have times when he looked sad, but he wasn’t staying numb, and he wasn’t fucking anything that moved. We all went out a few times during the week and we kept to ourselves. Only Kevin and I didn’t have a date. We just hung together. We danced with different people and flirted, but it went no further. Kevin was avoiding the one nighter, and I wasn’t finding anything I really wanted. I was content to have fun with my friends. The guys were doing some interviews for local papers and news shows. They held Orlando as home, and liked to give them some special attention.

We were all sitting around the pool at the club on Saturday. The guys were definitely recognized at this point, but things were small and contained enough that it was fun for them. They liked to meet fans and let them see the real them when it wasn’t some huge crowd scene. Kids here were used to seeing them and would drop by and say hi, chat for a bit then leave. I also knew the kids enough to tell them when it was enough. So we were relaxing and talking under the umbrella. Next week was an off week.

"I’m going back home." Kevin rolled his eyes.

"Not happy about it, cuz?"

"I have to tell the family I’m getting the marriage annulled. Not looking forward to that." He shuddered.

All of us groaned, "You haven’t told them?"

"I didn’t think this was a phone conversation. So I’ll go back for a few days, and deal with it." He looked at me, "Wanna go with me?"

I didn’t think twice, "If you want me too?"

Little kid Kevin reporting for duty, "Really?"

Nick smacked his head, "Did you really think she wouldn’t? You’re not that stupid."

He glared at Nick, "Won’t be the most fun trip."

"Shit, she doesn’t care. She’s your best friend. Have you lost your mind?"

I sat there watching them argue about what I would and wouldn’t do.

Kevin’s turn, "I know that Nick, but damn, I’ve asked a lot of her lately. This might be pushing it."

"It might hurt her feelings that you think that. She’d do anything for any of us. For you without thinking about it. You’re lucky as hell to have that. I’m jealous as shit. I’d love a best friend like that."

Nick kissed my cheek. Wow, I was in the area.

Kevin looked at me, "Oh shit, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings."

I looked at Lee and we started laughing. I smiled, "I think you hurt Nick’s feelings. Not mine. I’d prefer you didn’t take me for granted."

He stood up and walked around the table to me and hugged me. He whispered, "I’d never take you for granted. I don’t know what I’d do without you."

I backed up, "When do we leave?"

He smiled, a real Kevin smile, "Monday?"

~*~Kevin~*~  
I did wonder if it was pushing it. I’d leaned on her a lot. I wasn’t really used to that. I was always the strong one that people leaned on. I knew I was damn lucky to have her as a friend. Not a lot of friends would have done all that shit with Jessica without wanting answers. Taking the rings away from her was above and beyond the call of duty. Loved that.

I thought about calling mom, then decided against it. She’d ask about Jessica, why she wasn’t coming, why Tracie was. That would defeat the whole purpose of the trip.

We drove home. I wasn’t sure about how long we’d be there, wasn’t sure of the family reaction, and how much of it I could take. I wanted an escape vehicle. My truck makes a good escape vehicle. We drove straight home with no fun stops. Tracie teased me about being driven. I wanted to get home and get the bad stuff over. It’s about a twelve hour drive from Orlando. We talked some, mostly about nothing. We kept the music going and sang along.

I was tired when we headed into Irvine, opted for going to my cabin up in the mountains instead of mom’s house. I called her and told her I’d see her in the morning. Tracie went to soak in the tub and I went out on the porch. I love it here. I love the smells, the sounds, the way I feel grounded. I sat in the swing and closed my eyes.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I knew this was tough for him. His family had big expectations. I walked out on the porch and wasn’t sure if he was awake. I sat down in a chair and looked out over the mountain. I could see why he would like this. Polar opposite of the other part of his life.

I heard his voice, "How long have you been out here?"

"About 30 seconds. Just looking around. Why didn’t you show me this last time we were here?"

He laughed, "Didn’t want to shock your system, city girl."

"I went to the woods with Scott."

"This is better. It’s my mountain."

"I must admit I like being here with you better than being there with him. You’re not nice." We both laughed.

"I wanted a peaceful calm night before I told mom. I am tired a little from the drive, and don’t want to react or anything."

"Good idea." That was the last of the talking. We sat and soaked up the view and the noises. It’s amazing how noisy outside is. I went on to bed and left him with his thoughts.

The next morning we went into town to grab some breakfast, "Do you want me to go to your mom’s with you, or drive around, or what?"

"Um, hadn’t thought of that. I don’t think you being there would make any difference, and then I wouldn’t have to tell you everything. Then again, I don’t want you in the middle, or them to think you’re in the middle."

"How about I go with you, then excuse myself to go to that little antique shop."

"You hate antiques."

"Your mom doesn’t know that."

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie and I got to mom’s and sat on the back porch with her and my brothers having a glass of tea.

Simple conversation about our trip and catching up. There was a lull in the conversation, waiting for the real story. Tracie stood up, "I’m going to go to that little antique shop at the corner, let you family catch up."

Mom stood with her, "Tracie, you seem to be family to Kevin, that makes you family to us."

Tracie and my mom hugged, "Thank you, Anne. You all need to talk without me. I’ll be back."

It was almost like mom didn’t want her to leave. I’m not sure if that’s because she wanted her to be there for whatever I was gonna say or she didn’t want to hear it. Knowing my mom, and my history I’d bet on the last one. Let’s see . . . moving to Florida, singing, touring, yes I’ve done drugs, yes I’ve had sex with women, and I’m getting married in five days. Yeah, I can understand her hesitancy when her youngest son wants to talk to everyone. Tracie hugged me and wished me luck then walked out.

A little more silence, "Son, what is wrong?"

Guess I got that look Tracie talks about, "I don’t know how to do this except straight up. My marriage is being annulled."

Tim spoke as mom sat there, "Annulled?"

"She lied about things. Very big things that definitely made it a fraud." I was quiet for a second then knelt down beside mom, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to let you down. I swear I had every intention of making this marriage work. But she . . . she did something I can’t forgive."

Mom put her hand on my face, which got me crying, "Kevin, what happened?"

I shook my head, "I can’t, mom. It hurts too bad."

She pulled me up and hugged me, "Ok, little one." She had called me that since the day I was born, doesn’t really fit now, but it felt damn good. "Son, I know that marriage is sacred to you. If you ended it, you had good reason."

"Thank you, mom."

"Us too." My brothers moved in and we had a family hug.

"Thanks guys. I felt like I’d let you down again."

Mom addressed this, "You only let us down, when you let yourself down. Can you say that you did everything to make it work and can you live with leaving?"

"I couldn’t live with staying."

"Then you didn’t let anyone down."

We sat back down and I gave them a timeline, more or less. Tim looked over, "Does Tracie know what happened?"

"No, why?"

"Just thinking you probably need someone to talk to. Figured it would be her."

I just shook my head, "I have really depended a lot on her. She’s been there and never asked questions."

Mom smiled, "Good, you need that in a friend."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I gave them some time then headed back. I walked in and almost tiptoed out there, "Hey?"

His mom got up, hugged me, then kissed my cheek, "Thank you for being there for my son."

I smiled, "No problem."

"You are our family."

"Thank you. I don’t have one of my own anymore." My parents had died almost ten years ago, I’d been pretty much on my own since then.

We stayed through lunch, caught up, and Kevin talked about the plans for the next months. A lot of down time, they needed a break. Slowly working on the next album, wanting it to be perfect. I liked seeing him like this, seemeing back to normal. He decided when it was time to go and we headed out. We all hugged and his mom thanked me again. Kevin and his mom hugged for a long time and I heard her say, "I am proud of you, little one." I knew how much that meant to him.

He was quiet in the car. I looked over and smirked, "Little one?"

"Um hum." He kept his eyes on the road.

I snorted a laugh, "Well . . . I guess she would know."

"You so suck."


	31. Chapter 31

~*~Kevin~*~  
The next few days were the best I’d had in a long time. We went into Lexington and stocked up on food and wine. We went to an outfitters and got hooked up with some new hiking boots and water bottles. Most of the time we stayed around the cabin. We’d go hiking up in the mountain. It was really fun to show her the things I’d grown up doing. I found the tree me and the first girlfriend had carved our initials in. She chastised me for harming the tree and how as an environmentally conscience man I should have known better. She had read Backstreet lore and wanted to know where I’d lost my virginity that I felt so guilty about. Cow pasture south side of town. We went to the high school and hung out with the football coaches, my old team mates, watching them run the guys in drills.

We were talking in a group and she stated turning around, looking behind her. "Damn, now I get it!"

"Get what?" I asked, very naively.

"Train! Estill County Engineers! There’s even a fucking caboose on field. Jesus, why didn’t you people say that?" She was laughing.

"You thought it had to do with sex." I said dryly.

My friends were laughing, "That would be Florida Kevin. Kentucky Kevin was a good boy."

Kevin glared at them, "Some would say Florida Kevin is good."

Tracie pretended to throw up on the sidelines.

We drove into Lexington one night and went to a movie. On the way back I was reminded of something she’d said to my mom, "You said you don’t have any family anymore. You never talk about them. I know your parents died, what happened?"

"Big fiery car crash. Probably never knew what hit them. It was a semi that crossed the median. Driver fell asleep."

"Shit, Tracie. How old were you?" I didn’t expect that and felt bad that I’d never asked before. 

"Sixteen. Lived in a foster home until I was eighteen. There wasn’t any family left. Used my inheritance to get out of Colorado, went to college in New York. Stayed there." She wiped away a tear.

I reached over and took her hand, "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you."

She shook her head, "It’s ok. It was a long time ago. My foster parents were ok, no horror stories. Not tons of love, but ok."

"Who was there for you . . . dealing with both your parents dying?"

She looked at me, "My best friend’s family. I was with them a lot in the beginning. I stayed with them the first few months, before they found me a permanent foster home. I wasn’t much trouble, so I was pretty easy to place."

"Do you still talk to her, your best friend?"

"Not really, I moved to another town, they eventually moved. We kept in touch for a while, but we grew up, grew apart. Now there’s an occasional email or phone call. She always calls on the anniversary of their death."

I thought losing my dad was bad. I at least had a mom, brothers, and other family to grieve with. "I don’t know what to say, besides I’m sorry. I had no idea."

She laughed a little, "It’s really ok, Kevin. I was a good kid, they were good parents, and we all got along so I didn’t have guilt to deal with. I miss them sometimes, not so much anymore. I guess I got used to them not being here."

"I miss my dad all the time. Still think about picking up the phone and calling him. I miss him most when something big happens in my life. Wish he could see me."

"I do that too, when I graduated from high school, college, grad school."

"I do have guilt though. I didn’t get to finish things. And I went pretty ballistic when I found out everyone in the family knew, but me. Mom didn’t tell me until a few months before he died. I was very mad for a very long time."

"I can understand that."

"I felt kept out of my own family, and made sure everyone knew it. I should have used that time with dad better, and I put mom through hell. We’ve moved on, but I can’t get that time with dad back."

Silence overcame the truck. The guilt soup that I swam in wasn’t as thick as it used to be, and my curiousness had sent her into a thoughtful place. I went over the conversation in my mind, "Hey, Colorado! Do you ski?"

"They issue us ski’s in daycare on our third birthday."

"You’ll go skiing . . . with me?"

She put her hands together beside her face, batted her eyelashes, and faked an excellent southern accent, "Why I thought you’d never ask?"

I squeezed her hand and we drove back to the cabin.

We spent the next day in the woods again. A thunderstorm blew in and we ran back to the cabin, dripping wet and freezing. We met back on the porch after changing into dry clothes and watched the storm with a bottle of wine. We spent the night talking. More memories and laughter. We were ready to go home.


	32. Chapter 32

~*~AJ~*~  
Kevin called and told us they were coming back and things went well with his family. I wondered if they’d both be in a pissy mood like they were when they come back after the first visit home. It was Friday and we planned a night out for Saturday. Howie was looking at buying a club so we were going there.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Part of me was ready to go home and part of me wanted to stay in that cabin. Very uncomplicated. Kevin and I talked about that on the drive home. Things had gotten so complicated. This had been a very good trip for Kevin. His family had been understanding and supportive. I think getting away from everything like this gave him some time to regroup. As we drove back he seemed more relaxed and happier than I’d seen him in a long time. I knew that the annulment papers still hung over his head. I wished they would come and he could move beyond that. I know it would always be there, but all least the legal entanglements would be done. We made lots of stops on the way home. Any place that looked interesting we went exploring. Neither of us actually seen Rock City, so that was our first stop, then every tourist trap between Kentucky and Florida. Stone Mountain in Atlanta was fun too, but I liked the caves near Rock City best. They made Kevin claustrophobic.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Someone might say we were putting off going back to the real world. They’d be right. But don’t lots of people do that after a vacation? We got quieter as we got closer. Deathly silent as we reached Orlando. I dropped her off at her place and went on home. It felt different. I kind of felt like I was home again for the first time in a long time. But, something was missing. I couldn’t pinpoint that and just went to bed.  
Doorbell. Knocking. Doorbell. Three in the morning. Good god. Tracie has a key. I stumbled down the stairs to my front door, "Tracie, you have a key, use it!" I yanked open the door, "Nick?"

"I’m sorry. I didn’t know where to go and I had to go."

I stood to the side, "Come on in. What happened?"

He walked past me and into the family room, "Fight with Pam. She read some rumor on some site somewhere. Something about me fucking someone after some show in some fucking town."

"You didn’t."

He glared at me, "I know, Kevin. I can’t seem to convince Pam. I mean the whole thing reads like some bad fan fic. You would think she would at least recognize that I don’t fuck like this person described. Talking about some tattoo that I don’t even have. Then it’s all about "But you wanted too". I can’t fucking win this."

I sat on the couch, "You’re right. You can’t win. This isn’t about you. Never has been. You could be a monk in a monastery and she’d think you were getting blown by a nun."

Nick laughed, "That’s good. God, I hope you’re wrong."

I was tired, had a good week, and I wasn’t gonna censor. I figure if he shows up at three am he must want some answers, "Nick, I liked Pam at first. She didn’t seem to be out to get anything. I still don’t think she is. I stopped liking her when she showed herself to be the most insecure girlfriend that any of us have ever had. Some times she seems perfectly normal and other times she’s a basket case. I don’t think I’d mind that so much, except that I see how it affects you. You take it all on as your fault, trying to see what you did. You don’t have to do anything. I’ve been impressed that you haven’t gone out and fucked someone just because she thinks you are anyway. Might as well have some fun out of it. Nick, I have seen you turn yourself inside out to figure this out, to be what she needs. What she needs is some work on herself, you can’t do it. She has too."

"Then why doesn’t she?"

"She doesn’t have to. She has you to blame and you to prop her up. She’s got to feel bad enough and have no one to blame but herself. Then maybe she’ll look at it."

"She’ll just move on to some other schmuck who’ll do the same thing I do." He laid his head in his hands.

I was glad he was able to see it, "I agree. So when is it enough?"

"I was just about to ask you that. How do I know when I’ve tried enough."

"When you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I’ve done enough", really believe, and know you can live with yourself when you walk."

He got really serious, "You can do that?"

I understood the bigger question, "Yes, Nick, I can."

~*~Nick~*~  
"Hey, how was Kentucky?" I wanted some scoop on this.

His face actually lit up, "Wonderful! Mom, Tim, and Jerald were great. Tracie and I just hung out at the cabin, hiked, drank wine, watched thunderstorms. I feel great. Getting away from everything was great. No complications. Just me and my best friend."

I thought a minute. Getting away from everything, but Tracie. If anyone else painted this picture I’d know they were lovers. Drinking wine and watching thunderstorms for god’s sake. AJ and Lee don’t think anyone else heard Tracie say she love him right before she passed out at his weeding. I know they say that all the time, but I thought this time was more of a drunken confession. Maybe it was just friendship love? Nevermind, I’m not that stupid. I’m not blind. I decided to blow it off, "I’m glad. You needed to get it back together. Kentucky has always been good for you."

"I could say the same thing about you."

"I guess. Can I crash here?"

"Of course. Pick a room. I’ll see you in the morning."

~*~AJ~*~  
The party the next night was great. I went solo. Nick went solo. Kevin went solo. Lee went solo. And Tracie went solo. I guess that means only Howie and Brian had dates. It should be noted that only Howie and Brian got laid that night.

The solo folks dance together all night long. Had a ball. There is something to be said for dirty dancing with your friends. I even put a move on Nick. He jammed with me. Lee laughed at us both. I ran for a round of drinks and a slow song came on. Just my luck. I doubt I have to tell you how they paired up. I went back to the table with the drinks and it hit me. Since we had come back from California neither Kevin nor Tracie had had sex. Neither of them had picked up anyone or so much as had a date. Ok, a date might have been pushing it. One of them on a date equates one of us getting engaged at this point. More commitment than they’re up for. I was laughing wildly as they all came back to the table. Kevin was holding Tracie’s hand. I laughed more. Shit, they were dating, exclusively, and neither one of them knew it.


	33. Chapter 33

~*~AJ~*~  
I grabbed Lee for the next slow song and told her. We watched them slow dancing. He holds her hand, bodies stay a few inches from touching, they spent most of the dance talking and laughing. Yep, early dating behavior. Ok, fine, they did this all the time as "just friends", but this time they were both single, both not looking for anyone else, and both had huge trust issues with the opposite sex. Except for each other. "They" made sense. Maybe the timing had always been off?

We had a private party which resulted in the munchies, which resulted in . . . breakfast. Brian and Howie took their dates on home. The five solo players raided a 24 hour diner and got enough bacon to feed a third world country. Enough that Tracie and Kevin didn’t have to fight over it, but they still did. Cute.

I was ready to go home and see if my lady was home from her get together with her girlfriends.

~*~Lee~*~  
Poor kid. The minute we started talking about heading home he looked like we’d just shot his dog. He had a great time tonight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Nick have as much fun as I’d seen him have tonight and at the party we threw. Both nights without Pam. As it turns out, both nights after having stood up to Pam and not bought into her guilt trips.

"Nick, did you guys have a fight? Is that why you don’t want to go home?" I was the one. I’m pretty sure Kevin knows more and him asking would be like telling a secret. If Kevin knows it, Tracie probably does. Wish they’d just get over it and fuck.

"That obvious?"

"Only to everyone."

"I’m not going home tonight. Period. I’m having a great time and I’m not going to let her ruin it."

I don’t know where this came from, "I have a spare room. Let’s go." Maybe it was I just felt sorry for him. Maybe it was I didn’t want him going with Kevin and Tracie, wanting them to have as much time alone together as possible to see if they figured it out. Or maybe it was because he’s hot and sweet and I have a crush on him. Na, couldn’t possibly be the last one. That would mean I was actually aware of my feelings. Can’t have that. 

Yes, I have a crush on Nick Carter.

I led him back to my place and showed him around. He made himself a little nest in the corner of the couch. Sat there criss-cross taking up as little space as a six foot two man can. I got us both something to drink and sat, "You ok? I understand if you don’t want to talk."

He ran his hands through his hair in the way I learned signaled frustration, "I don’t know what to do. Scratch that. There is nothing I can do. I’m finally getting the picture."

"Good."

"You too? Damn. That obvious to everyone but me. How is that possible?"

I laughed, "I don’t know. Explain Kevin and Tracie?"

"Good point.” He thought for a second, “Shit, that obvious!" He was laughing too, "What is it with those two? They are perfect for each other. Matching sex drives, both sarcastic, both scared to death. Perfect."

"And you are this great guy who is too nice and happened to find the perfect person to suck you dry." It just came out. I meant to censor it.

"Is that the sugar coated version?"

"Aw Nick, I’m sorry. That sounded horrible." I felt bad.

"Is that what you really think?" He looked so small. Like a lost little bird curled up in his nest.

I sighed, "I think you are great with her. I have never seen you do anything that is disrespectful to your relationship. Any flirting I’ve ever seen you do has obviously been in fun."

"I meant the sucking me dry part."

"Kinda harsh, but yeah. I hate to see that happen to nice guys. Some vampire girl gets her hooks in you and bleeds all that niceness and trust. Then the next one you meet you don’t do all that for because you’re wearing that necklace made out of garlic that keeps her far enough away for you to be comfortable. Hate it, hate it."

"I do feel worn out and lifeless these days. Not since we got back from California though. It was good. The talk with just us aired out some shit. It’s good when we do that. No one knows us better than us." I could see him thinking and waited. "So how do I not get bled dry, and be good to the next lady?"

I’m not sure if he realized he had just stated his intention. I smiled, "You get out while you still have something left to give. Then you find a woman who will not take advantage of you, but not let you get away with things you learned to do with Pam. Like staying away after a fight . . . not facing her. I’m not saying that you should go home. Not at all. Actually, I agree that staying away and enjoying the night is what you need to do. But in general it’s much better to face it and deal with it, which you know."

He shook his head, "Yeah, I do. But I can’t win and I’m getting really tired of fighting. I lose too much in the fight."

"Exactly. You know what you want to do. Now you just have to check it out a little longer, then make your move. See how this fits for you." Still being direct. Even though I have this crush on him I think I’m stating facts and being objective.

"So tomorrow I go home. I go about day to day thinking I’m almost done, stop fighting, let nature take it’s course, and see what happens. I’m done breaking my ass to prove I’m trustworthy. She either believes it or not, but I’m done with feeling responsible."

I smiled, "Good boy. I hope it works out, I hope she gets it together. I know you love her."

"You know . . . love dies in slow motion. This has been going on for a long time. I don’t know if I’m so pissed by her anymore or I’m falling out of love with her, but it’s not the same." He looked at me, and I wished I had the answer.

"Nick, anytime you need to talk, or want to talk. I’m here." 

I meant that. I feel like I have to justify things with all he’s dealt with from her. I’m not saying I’ll be there for him in hopes of benefiting from it. Scoring points with him. That’s her game, not mine. I don’t play that way.

"Thanks, Lee. I appreciate that. It’s nice to get a different opinion from the guys’. Even though it seems to be the same opinion. I’m beat. I’m going on to bed."

"Night." I stayed up a little longer and worried about the little bird sleeping peacefully in my spare room.


	34. Chapter 34

*~*Tracie~*~  
Poor little Nick. Feel bad for him. Lee will nicely tell him Pam is one of those parasite fish things that suck onto the side of a whale. I love Pam, can’t you tell? Kevin drove me home. We talked a few minutes then I kissed him goodnight and went on in. He wanted to buy a new car. Something sporty and cute. I’m all for that. I can live vicariously, borrow it for something, make myself a key, and keep it for him while he’s on the road. It’s bad for cars to sit, you know.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t turn off my brain. Kept thinking and couldn’t figure out what I was trying to figure out. I cleaned instead. Sparkling clean apartment. I’d lived here for over a year, but still hadn’t done much to make this place mine. I’ve always thought I would get a house at some point. It’s never felt like the time. Because of that I’ve not decorated too much. Besides decorating in neutrals is not fun. It was three in the afternoon when I finally fell asleep

~*~Nick~*~  
I went home the next day, about noon. Pam was sitting on the couch pouting. I took a shower, dressed, and fixed myself something to eat. I sat down and acted like everything was fine, because it was. She, of course, let me have it. I didn’t kiss up or defend myself. I said that she was invited and decided not to go. I did go and had a great time. She kept on me about "what" I did, "who" I was with. I told her I was with the same people I’m always with. She went for it . . . I’d met someone, I’d stayed all night, had sex . . . blah, blah, blah. I looked at her, "I’m done with that. You think what you need to. What I say doesn’t make a difference anyway." She burst into tears. I handed her the tissues and went out to work some on my boat.

~*~AJ~*~  
We did some photo shoot on Monday. I lasted all day. After that Kevin went car shopping. I tagged along. No mention of dating or Tracie. I kept throwing out feelers. He didn’t respond to anything. Damned annoying, it’s like the idea of them as a couple has never crossed his mind. The next couple of days were in the studio. We had decided to do a few days in the studio then a few days away. Trying to not get frustrated and let the ideas flow.

The next day off I picked up Lee and we headed to the club to work on the Tracie end of the equation. She wasn’t there. I found someone who told me she’d called in sick with a stomach virus. I looked at Lee and smiled. She smiled, "Are you thinking what I think you’re thinking?"

I was already dialing, "Yo, Kevin! Have you talked to Tracie?"

"No, I was asleep. Why?"

"We came to hang out and they say she called in sick. Just wondered if you knew how she was. Bye." 

Hung up before he could ask why we didn’t call her and ask.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Why didn’t they just call Tracie to find out how she was? I called. "Hey, AJ tells me you’re sick. How are you?"

"Horrible. I woke up puking at four am." She sounded like shit.

"What do you think it is? Something you ate?"

"There is some stomach bug going around at the club. Lasts a day or two. Oh shit, hang on." I could hear her throwing up. "I’m sorry, Kevin. I gotta go." I heard more barfing then the phone click.

It was ten and she’d been doing this since four. That’s not good. I made a few calls and headed over. She answered the door wrapped in the biggest bathrobe I’d ever seen in my life. She looked as bad as she sounded, pale and pasty, "You look horrible."

"You can’t be here, you’ll get it." I pushed past her. She spoke to my back, "Ok, you like to feel like death."

"No, but I’m not letting you dehydrate over here by yourself. I was worried about you. I went by the store and picked up some stuff. Bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. Mom said so." I put the bag in the kitchen.

"I can’t eat."

"Have too. At least then you won’t start dry heaving. That’s the worst." I fixed her a glass of water and some toast. She nibbled on it and I stared at her until she drank all the water. "Good girl, thank you."

"The water was good. Thank you." She laid her head on the side of the couch, "What are you all doing today?"

"Day off. I was gonna go car shopping. I’ll just shop online. And I’ve got the brochures in my car." I felt her face, "You’ve got a fever."

"Kevin, you don’t have to stay here. I’ll be fine."

"Do you like to be sick alone with no one to take care of you?"

"No."

"Then shut up and enjoy it. As much as you can anyway."

She jumped up and ran for the bathroom. I grabbed a washcloth from her linen closet, wet it and held it on the back of her neck. She laid her head on the toilet and waited for the next wave. "I hate being sick alone. Thank you."

I kissed her forehead, "No problem, you’ll return the favor." I helped her up and settled her on the couch. I put in a movie and got her more water. The vomiting kept up pretty frequently for the next few hours. She couldn’t keep anything down. She was shaking as we walked back to the couch, "Tracie, you cold?"

"I’m freezing." I sat beside her, threw a blanket over her, and held her. She shook for a good fifteen minutes then fell asleep. From there the vomiting was much more spaced out. She was able to eat and keep it down. I put her to bed about nine and car shopped. Checked on her a couple of times during the night.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I thought I might live when I woke up. I hate being sick, and I really hate throwing up. I’d do anything to avoid that. I called in sick again and laid in bed. A few minutes later there was knock at my door before Kevin walked in with toast and juice. "You are wonderful. Thank you. When did you get here?"

"Yesterday about eleven."

"You stayed the night?"

"Of course. In case you needed me."

"Thank you, again."

"Stop it. I think I’ve decided on the car. Wanna go with me tomorrow to make sure? I’ll take you out for that dinner I owe you after we get it." He was smiling like a kid.

"Yum, I’m actually hungry. Do I get to pick the color?"

"Hell, no. I’ll call you later this afternoon. Take a shower, you’ll feel better. I love you."

"Love you, too."


	35. Chapter 35

~*~Kevin~*~  
Saturday came and I wanted my car. I’m one of those impulse shoppers that researches and looks around and when I find what I want I want it yesterday. I knew in general what I wanted then I visited some lots and got information, then to the Internet for comparisons and reviews by industry folk and actual owners. By the time I went to get Tracie I knew what I wanted in basic terms and what add ons I preferred. Some I’d give on, some I wouldn’t.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin was bouncing up and down as I grabbed my purse, "A little excited, Kevlyn?"

"Oh yeah, me like car. Me want car now." He was so cute. Like a kid at Christmas. "Grab a ponytail thing."

I smiled, "I did. Knew you’d go for a convertible." He was a little predictable.

We got to the lot and Kevin honed in on the line of sporty little things. He grabbed my hand and practically drug me over. I kept up and could feel how big I was smiling. He headed right to the shiny metallic black ones. It took a little less than two minutes before the salesman converged on us. Kevin held his hand out like "stop", and said, "Give us ten minutes then come back. I plan on buying one, loaded, but if anyone bothers us for the next ten minutes I will go somewhere else. I will wave if I need you." The man walked off.

I watched him leave over my shoulder then turned back to Kevin, "Damn, you’re good."

He pulled his face away from the window and smiled, "Did you really doubt it?"

I rolled my eyes, "So . . . which is it gonna be?"

"Which ever one has the Premium Package, the Harmon Kardon sound system with the 6 CD changer, the onboard computer, and the remote keyless entry. The 3 spoke alloy wheels, and wood accented interior are optional, but preferred."

~*~Kevin~*~  
Her mouth was hanging open. I closed it for her, "Flies, you know."

"Why didn’t you just call ahead and order it?"

"I’m not sure on exterior and interior color." We walked along and looked at them all, a dozen or so. They didn’t have the extras listed. No stickers at all. Upscale Florida car dealers.

The salesman came back carrying a binder, "Find one you like?"

Kevin held out his hand, "I’m Kevin. Thank you for waiting."

"No problem, I’m Steve. What can I show you? I’ve got all the keys."

I laughed, "Good man, you must know Kevin."

"I know that your husband knows what he wants. I wanted to be prepared."

I threw a look at Tracie, hoping she’d play along. She caught on and came over and put her arm around my waist, "That he does and he usually wants it yesterday."

"Thank you, honey." I gave her a squeeze then turned to the salesman, "Like I said I want loaded. Show me what you have." He showed me three or four cars. All gorgeous, but not quite it.

"We have one in the showroom. It was a special order and the guy backed out." Steve led us back that way.

Tracie spoke, "Can you do that?"

"For enough money you can do anything."

I knew that meant he lost his deposit. Big deposit and I could bargain with that. The car was sitting right near the sliding doors. Sapphire Metallic Black BMW Z3, 300i Roadster, black leather interior, with three spoke alloy wheels. I started to get a hard on. This was THE car. Everything I wanted on it, plus a few things. This was my car.

"Shit, he did special it out."

Steve shook his head, "Yeah, some of the things are custom ordered. It’s more loaded than anything out there. No one wants to pay the price."

"It’s got quite a bit more than I was looking at, but some things the others didn’t have. Nothing I couldn’t get installed." I said as a rule I don’t lie. I guess it’s in the definition of "quite a bit". If that means two things, then I’m safe. Embellishing?

Tracie chimed in, "I don’t know if I like that wood stuff. The shift, and brake. It looks a little out of place. I liked the green one out there." Now she was embellishing she hates green. "How much is this one?" He said the words. I screamed for joy inside, lower than my max price. Tracie loudly gasped for air. "What makes this worth that much more than the green one? It needs to do some sort of trick for that much money. I mean, this is nice and I like the six CD changer and that computer thing, but wow, that’s a big mark up."

I had my hand over my mouth not to laugh. Steve took it as me agreeing with her, "Let me talk to my manager, he might be willing to work a deal. We’ve had it sitting here a long time and it’s getting close to new model time."

He walked off and I mumbled, "No shit." I sat down in the car, Tracie got in the passenger side. "Like my new car?"

"Me likey. Do I get to drive?"

"No."

Steve came back with a more than fair price. I balked over it not having the hard top. He came back and they threw that in for the same price. MY CAR! "Great! Now lets head over to financing and they’ll take care of you. I’ll get the guys to clean her up and ready."

I laughed, "I’ll be writing you a check."

Steve’s eyes lit up and he held up one finger, "Hang on." He was back quickly, "Since you’re paying cash, we’ve adjusted the price a little. Just for the wife." He winked at her. God, we were gonna have fun with this in a few minutes.

She smiled so sweetly, "Thank you, we’ll keep you in mind next time we need a car." She rubbed her stomach, "Honey, I’m getting hungry."

Steve slapped my back, "Can’t keep the wife waiting. I’ll get the car ready. Thirty minutes, tops." I looked at her and shook my head.

By the time I’d given them all the information and signed everything my gorgeous car was parked out front waiting for me. "We’re gonna leave the SUV parked there. We’ll get it in the morning."

Steve shook my hand, "Absolutely. Give me the key and I’ll have her detailed for you before you pick her up."

I handed him the keys and we got in my new car. We made it out of the lot before the laughter started.


	36. Chapter 36

~*~Tracie~*~  
"That was amazing gobs of fun." I was still laughing miles down the road.

"I’m so glad you are happy. You were great. You got me a great deal."

"I can’t take credit. You’re idea. I caught that look you threw me when he called me your wife. I just took it from there."

"We make a great team." He plowed onto the highway, "I love this car! I love this car! I LOVE THIS CAR!!!!!" He was screaming.

I put my hair in a twist as we hit 75 mph. The stereo was blaring. Kevin was in heaven. That made me very happy. "Where are we going?"

He turned down the radio, "Clearwater. Can not have a car like this and not go to the beach. There’s a great seafood restaurant right on the water for the dinner I owe you, then I figured we could hang out on Pier 60, and the beach. I love sunset at the beach. I haven’t been there in a long long time."

"Me either. Great idea. Actually, I haven’t ever been to a beach." I almost flew out of the car when Kevin pulled into the emergency lane. "What the fuck?"

"You’ve never been to the beach?"

I shrank into the seat, "No. Well, in New York, but it’s not really a beach. I settled in Orlando. That’s the closest I’ve been."

"That is disgusting. We’re definitely fixing that." He put it in first gear then looked over, "Wanna drive?"

I smiled and hopped out of the car. I drove us to the restaurant. I loved this car. It handled great and speed is a wonderful thing.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Where did we miss that she had never been to the beach? Screwed that one up. I love the beach. I guess I figured that since she worked at a pool relaxing on a beach wouldn’t really be relaxing. Didn’t even think to ask. Clearwater is an acceptable first beach. I’d think on this.

We were seated immediately at a table in the farthest corner of the deck over the beach. While she went to the restroom I ordered wine and some appetizers. She came back and had taken her hair down. Looked kinda cute all wind blown. The wine came, "This is a good Florida beach. Not the best, not the worst."

She took a drink of wine, "This is gorgeous. Sunsets are my favorite. What’s the best?” She looked at her wine glass and took another sip, “This wine is good."

"Thank you. I’m thinking about the best. We might have to explore that one. I feel shitty that you’ve never been to the beach. I just assumed. Everyone has been to the beach."

"Sorry. I’m a loser." She was laughed.

"Na, I’d never marry a loser. Well, twice anyway." More laughing. It felt great to laugh about anything marriage related.

Dinner was great. Tracie went for steak and lobster tail and I did all you can eat crab legs. We shared. We finished off the wine and headed out to the beach. The sun was just hitting the water. I led her out to the edge of the dry sand and sat down, "This is my favorite time."

"I love the color of the sky at sunset, the water just makes it better. This is great. I think I could watch the waves hit the sand all day. And the sound. It’s so loud. It’s amazing. Thank you."

We sat there awhile before I pulled her up, "Let’s get away from the lights of the Pier, it’ll get dark fast. The water kind of glows. I wish it was a full moon. That’s the best." We walked about a mile down the beach before it was dark, there weren’t many people on the beach. Tracie kicked off her shoes and headed to the water. We had been walking on the hard packed sand, now we were in the water. She was kicking it up and watching the waves roll across her feet. "Fascinated?"

She broke out of her trance, "A little. It’s kind of a spiritual thing. Peaceful. One with the universe. Watching the footprints disappear. It’s a very sensual experience. Sight, sound, smell, touch."

"Exactly. I feel that way about the mountains too. Beach is second, but a very close second."

"I can see that. Best of both worlds." We walked along quietly for a little while. Both of us thinking.

Kev, ready to head back?"

"Yeah." We turned around and headed back. I put my arm around her shoulder.

"Thanks for dinner." She put her arm around my waist.

"I owed you big. One dinner doesn’t cut it."

"Maybe the beach though."

"Nowhere near."

~*~Tracie~*~  
We were about half way back when I spoke again, "Penny for your thoughts." I can’t explain it, but I could ‘feel’ him drifting off.

"I am happier right this second than I have been in . . . years, I think."

"Good."

"Very good. I have so much right now. A career I only dreamed of. A set of friends that I work with and can count on to support me and kick my ass. Enough money to take care of my family, friends, and get me the car I want. A great house. The freedom to be creative. A best friend who I love to spend time with even doing nothing. It’s all fun."

"Thank you. I know what you mean. I’m not sure it gets much better than this. Talking with you, hanging out. Parties, friends. People I love all around me. And that love me."

"Now if we could just find long term mates." He laughed, "You know, I don’t know that I want that anymore. At least right now."

"Kevin, don’t do that to yourself. Things aren’t even final yet."

He was shaking his head, "I know. That’s not a sad thing. I mean that things are good. Sure, I want all that, but I’m not gonna rush it, or push it, or even try to find it. It’ll find me. For now, I’m content. That’s a good feeling. If I need a date for something, I always have you. I could do a lot worse."

I kicked his ass behind me, "You certainly could. I am always up for dinner, dancing, movie. And it’s always fun to be the envy of all the ladies with you nearby."

He kicked my ass, "Yeah, the jealousy factor when the men think you’re with me is pretty damned gratifying. And getting laid when you’re a Backstreet Boy isn’t hard."

We were laughing as we got in the car, "Neither of us have problems getting those sexual needs met. I don’t mean that badly."

He closed my door and walked around to the driver’s side, "I know. Me either. We enjoy each other’s company and we’re single. I love you, you’re my best friend. Sex is sex. It can be more, it can be less. I don’t have the trust for it to be more."

"I hope you get that trust back. Hell, I hope we both find what we want. No matter what we have each other. Ok, enough serious shit. Crank up the volume and lets jam."

"Trace, I meant what I said. I am happy. Very happy. I refuse to feel slighted when the only thing I’m missing is a girlfriend. That’s bullshit."

"Kevlyn, I agree. I’ve always felt that way. When you’re not looking is when you run into the good stuff."

He glared at me, "Why didn’t you pass this knowledge onto me of how to be happy without looking."

"Something you have to learn yourself. I am simply more evolved than you."

"You are simply more full of shit than me. Which I didn’t know was possible."

I found an all 80’s station and we sang and laughed all the way back to my house. It was nearly four in the morning when we got there. It was always four in the morning when we had our best talks and most fun. This had been a great night.

~*~Kevin~*~  
It had been a great night. It hit me again exactly how blessed I was and how happy I felt. I guess I didn’t realize how unhappy I’d been lately. So realizing I was happy felt amazing. I want to keep this feeling. Keep the happy. I wanted to go home and let it all sink in, finish thinking it to death. "I’ll call you tomorrow. Will you go with me to pick up the SUV? I’ll even let you drive the Z back to my house."

"Can’t resist that one. Night, Kevlyn."

"Night, Trace."

We met in the middle for our normal hug and kiss. That’s where normal stopped. We both backed up and stopped a few inches from each other. My eyes caught hers. We moved together again. Next thing I know one of our mouths opened, one of our tongues touched the others’, one of us put their arms around the other, then our tongues are rolling over each other. I have no idea how long this lasted, but I don’t think it was nearly long enough.

We backed up again and stared at each other. Tracie’s fingers were touching her bottom lip, like she was checking to see if it was still there. She licked her lips, "I’ll talk to you tomorrow." She was out of the car and in the apartment before I realized I wasn’t at my house.


	37. Chapter 37

~*~Tracie~*~  
I’m in some sort of a daze. I’m not sure what just happened. Ok, I’m sure what happened, but not how or why or what it means. Or how. I need help. I picked up the phone and instinctively dialed Kevin’s number. Hung up when I realized that wouldn’t help. Lee. I’ll call Lee. It’s only four. She’ll be up soon. She answered on the second ring, she must be up, "We kissed."

"Who kissed?" She sounded sleepy.

"Me. Kevin."

~*~Lee~*~  
Ok, now I’m awake. Sitting bolt upright. Doing a happy dance in the bad. "Girl, give me details, now!"

I noticed that her voice was flat and sounded kind of in shock, "We went and bought him a new car, then drove to the beach for dinner, walked on the beach and talked for a long time, watched the sunset, then drove home. Somehow we wound up kissing. We always kiss goodbye, but this was very very different. I have no idea how this happened."

I was almost crying. I was so happy, "So, you went out on a date and kissed goodnight?"

She stuttered, "No, it wasn’t . . . oh . . . god. Do you think so? We don’t go out on dates. He’s my best friend. We don’t kiss like that. Never. Never ever."

"But was it a good kiss?" Let’s get back to focusing on the good stuff.

"I don’t know. I can’t remember. It freaked me out." She laughed. I chewed on my bottom li and remembered. "Oh god ... it was good. Lee! Kevin and I are friends. We do not kiss like that."

"You said that. However, it seems to me that you and Kevin do kiss like that."

"I don’t think of him like that. He’s my best friend."

"You said that too." I remembered something AJ told me he said to Kevin, "Tracie, maybe you should think of Kevin like that."

I heard her gasp, "Lee, oh fuck I don’t want to lose him."

"I know you don’t, sweetie. Who says you’re going too. Maybe it was just a kiss, a good kiss, but just a kiss. Or maybe it was the beginning of a new phase to your friendship. Maybe you two are supposed to be more than just friends." I truly believed that. They were the perfect couple. Neither of them anywhere near perfect, but perfect for each other. They were a couple. They just didn’t have the physical part, until now. I had expected her to freak out when they finally crossed that line.

"What the fuck do I do now?"

"Go to bed and get some sleep. See where you are in the morning. You know you two will talk this to death. It’s your way."

She was so quiet I could almost her thinking. "You’re right. Night."

Now, where will Kevin go to freak out?

~*~AJ~*~  
Banging. Banging on my door at four in the fucking morning. Who the hell is this? I looked out my window and saw a sweet ride. That was worth checking into. I stumbled down the stairs and checked the security camera. Kevin. I opened the door, "That is a gorgeous car." I walked toward it, "Damn, this is almost worth you waking my ass up. Almost." I finally looked at him. He looked pale, "What’s wrong?"

"You’re naked in your driveway can we go inside, please?" He headed in.

I followed him and grabbed a pair of shorts out of the downstairs closet, "Jessica?"

He looked at me like I was crazy, "No. Tracie."

"Did you two have a fight?"

"Not exactly.” He headed to the couch and sat down. “She went with me to buy the car. Then I took her to dinner for all the favors I’ve asked of her lately. We went to Clearwater. Did you know she’d never been to the beach?"

"No, keep going." I was saying a little prayer about where this story was going.

"We ate then walked on the beach. It was beautiful and she got the whole beach thing, the karma beach thing. Then we drove back. Fuck . . . we kissed."

I smiled and raised an eyebrow, "And . . ."

He glared at me, "That’s enough."

"Was it good?"

"AJ, I kissed my best friend. That doesn’t happen."

"Apparently it does. Sounds like you and Tracie went out on a date and kissed goodnight. That’s the way dates work in case you don’t remember." I was still smiling. I was fighting the urge to cackle.

"We did not go out on a . . . we don’t . . ." He dropped his head to his hands and laughed, "Oh shit!" He looked up, "Anyone else who would tell me what we did tonight and I’d tell them it was a date."

I patted his back, "Exactly."

"I didn’t mean for it to be. It just turned into a date somehow. Fuck AJ, I can’t date Tracie. She’s my best friend."

"Why does that mean you can’t date her? The best lovers started out as friends. I told you months ago that you needed to start thinking of her that way. Before you married Jessica. And for the record, you two go on dates all the damn time. You just don’t call them dates. You hold hands, you hug and kiss, you talk every day. Friends, yes, but there’s more there. Get your head out of your ass and see it." 

Too much?

"I . . . um . . umph . . . AARRGGHH! Fuck! I don’t want to lose her. I need her too much."

"Who said anything about losing her. You just kissed, you didn’t fuck. Did you?" Thought it was best to check.

"No! I don’t . . . shit . . . I just did think of her like that. Oh fuck."

It was really kinda funny how freaked out he was. Cute. Very unlike him. "Kevin, this is you and Tracie. You’ll go over there, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Wait till the middle of the night if it makes it more normal. Figure it out. You never answered . . . good?"

His eyes cut up to me, "I think so. I don’t remember too much. Didn’t plan on that happening."

"Kev, you need to think about when you’re happiest. Who makes you happiest. Then go with it."

We talked a bit longer then he left.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I drove right back to Tracie’s house. No time like the present.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I just fall asleep and someone is knocking on my door. Something better be on fire. Kevin? I opened the door, "What’s wrong?"

He walked in, "We need to talk."

"What about?" I was half asleep.

Kevin turned and looked at me strangely then walked back a step toward me. He put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me toward him. Next thing I know his tongue is in my mouth again. Then just as quick it’s gone, "That. We need to talk about that."

Wide awake now.


	38. Chapter 38

~*~Kevin~*~  
I didn’t mean to do that. Good lord. Like that needed to happen again. Shit. I am fucking this up. Damn, it felt good though. Quick, but good. I sat in my little corner of the couch. Tracie took her place in her corner. We were staring at each other, neither of us knowing what to say, then I started laughing. Thank god, she joined in. "Tracie, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I don’t know where that came from."

"I don’t either. But damn it was good. What I can remember. Shocked the shit out of me."

Maybe this would be alright, "Me too." A little more silence.

"Any idea what we’re doing?"

"According to AJ we’re dating."

"Lee too." More laughing. "Kevin, did something happen that everyone else sees, and we missed?"

I shook my head and shrugged, "Entirely possible. I’ll tell you what I know. I know that there is no one I’d rather hang out with. You’re the first one I want to tell any news. I love to talk, and laugh, and cry with you. I trust you."

"Same here. When I walked in the apartment after we kissed in the car I picked up the phone and almost called you, to tell you what happened. Then figured you already knew."

I laughed, "Yeah, I was there. You’re my best friend. I never considered anything else. Never crossed my mind. Don’t take that wrong." I didn’t want to hurt her.

"Not at all. I didn’t think of you that way either. We just hung out and had a ball."

"Yeah." All of this was just rushing out and seemed to have no direction. Neither of us knew what we were doing. I thought a second, "Hey, you said "didn’t", are you thinking about me differently now?"

She rolled her eyes at me, "Kevlyn, that was some kiss. I think." She laughed, "I just remember the feeling. I was having quite a dream when you knocked."

"Well, now. I’m looking forward to sleeping now." I got up and got some water, brought her back some. I was glad that at our ability to talk hadn’t been short circuited by the kiss. "What now? What do we do? I don’t want to lose my best friend."

"Me either. We can let it be a kiss and go back to normal, just friends. Or we can go forward and see what happens, actually go out on a date. Or we can just wait and see what happens. Any ideas you have would be most welcome."

I ran my hands through my hair, "I’m not sure. I don’t want to miss something that could be great, but I don’t want to lose my friend. I want it all, but I’m afraid to risk one for the other."

She sighed, "Me too."

"What if we take a couple of weeks and play it by ear. Do normal stuff, hang out, party, whatever. See what happens. See what we want to do. Just friends, or see if there is more fun to be had." I wiggled my eyebrows.

"You’re an idiot." She flicked water on me, "I’m good with that. We’ll take a few weeks and see what we want to do."

"I said a couple of weeks, not a few."

"Oh I’m so sorry, define couple."

I laughed, "Two. I’m gonna go home. Sleep. See what I dream about. I’ll call you later about getting the SUV."

"Ok, I’m going back to bed too. Maybe I’ll pick up where I left off. Ooo, maybe we can meet up in our dreams for a test drive!"

"Give me an hour." I got up and headed to the door. I kissed her forehead, "I love you, Trace. Glad we can talk about anything."

"Love you too, Kev. Of course we can. Always."

That went amazingly well. Best I can tell now we’re both considering fucking each other, but we’re gonna wait for two weeks to see if it blows over. For me, if I easily slide back to being just friends, that’s where we belong. Or I could decide I just won’t risk losing her to see if there could be more. This is the good version of something is better than nothing. I’d rather be just her friend than not have her at all. We’ll see how I feel.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I was having one hell of a hot dream. Damn. Then him showing up like that. It’s really not fair when a man is bigger than you and can just grab you and kiss you. 

Maybe fair is over rated.

So for the next two weeks we act like everything is like it was and see if we can do that or if the need to explore things further is worth the risk to our friendship. I have no fucking clue. When I went back to bed I had trouble getting back to sleep and went back over the conversation. It was strange. We have always talked about everything and talked everything to death. Maybe that’s why we could jump in talk up us crossing a line like it was nothing. 

I don’t know.


	39. Chapter 39

~*~Kevin~*~  
We went and picked up the SUV late afternoon and went for Chinese food. Things were fine when I picked her up. Pretty normal. I did notice she looked so pretty and I did think about kissing her. I know she’s pretty, but it’s not something I paid a lot of attention to. Until right now. I tried to block it out of my mind and be cool. Worked most of the time.

"So is this a date?" I was laughing.

"Don’t you do it! If either of us start analyzing ever breath we take we’re gonna have a problem. Mostly because I will kill you. Rip your throat out."

"Ouch, didn’t know you had that violent streak."

"Fiercely protective of my family and friends. So don’t you try and come between me and my best friend. He and I are working on a project." She smiled.

"A project?" I couldn’t wait to hear this one.

"Yes. A remodeling project.” She smirked at me, “Like that?"

"I do like that. Today has been like normal, but I keep thinking about kissing you." Remember that honesty thing? I decided the best thing was to say what I was thinking. Any other time with her I wouldn’t censor myself. Not with her. This seemed like a shit time to change.

"Yeah, I keep going there too. Is that off limits?"

Fighting urge to scream hell no. I’d like to kiss her and actually remember it. But no, that’s not what I said. "I think so. Not like either of us have good self control, then we’d end up in bed with even more to figure out."

"Hard to back up from there. Although some people have friends with benefits."

I crossed my arms over my chest, pretending to hide myself, "Just what are you suggesting. I won’t be your sex toy for some intermittent one night stands." I got serious again, "I can’t do that one. Too weird."

"Me either."

She smiled. Just a little. Almost . . . shy? Um, never seen that before. Wow.

  
~*~Tracie~*~  
I felt a little awkward. Nothing bad. More like I was trying to figure it all out. Trying to see if I saw anything else with him. I did then I didn’t, then I did, then I didn’t. It’s good we said two weeks. I’m gonna need it.

Lee came over that night and we went over everything. Did the girl thing of listing pro’s and con’s. Decided he was probably damn good in bed. Like I needed my mind to go there. She liked the two week trial period thing and thought we should be together as much as possible. After a few margaritas she looked over, "Don’t forget the feeling part."

"What feeling part?"

"How you feel about him. Don’t forget to take that into consideration."

"I love him."

"Yes. But do you love him, or do you love him love him?"

I just looked at her.

~*~Lee~*~  
She loves him loves him. It’ll come back to her.

Little did I know AJ was having a similar conversation with Kevin. They were out driving the new car. Checking out beaches. To find the best one so Kevin could take Tracie there. AJ said he almost ate the steering wheel with that one. Kevin was sitting there planning a romantic get away while talking about how things were pretty much the same. Just friends.

We got together the next day. Yeah, it looks like it’s just friends, maybe even sounds like it, but it doesn’t feel that way. Both of us noticed a difference in how they talked about each other.

AJ and Angela had broken up and he was going to be my date for the benefit I was hosting. We couldn’t wait to see the show that night. The Kevin and Tracie show.

~*~Kevin~*~  
AJ made a good point. If we were gonna see what was going on we needed to be together a lot. I hung out at the pool all week. We went to movies, dinner, and shopping. Lee had a benefit this Friday and we were all going. Tracie and I had planned to go together weeks ago. It was formal and I had the tux all ready. We passed a boutique for dresses in the Mall and went looking for her. I found out pretty fast that maybe this wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had. I kept pointing out the slightly revealing sexy ones. Nothing to flashy. The things I liked like this was a real date and I wanted to participate in dressing her. We got ice cream in the food court, "Is this thing a real date?"

"It feels like one doesn’t it?"

I couldn’t stop watching her lick that cone and use her teeth to pull out the pieces of Reese cups. "Yeah. Friendly sort of date?"

She laughed, "That works. I’ll take your opinion into consideration as I choose my dress."

"You really don’t have a dress yet? Let’s go try em on!" Immediately realized that wouldn’t be a good idea. I was having enough trouble right now. No more ice cream.

"Nope, Lee and I are shopping on Thursday. We have two more days to diet and tan."  
"You don’t need to diet."

She smiled, "Thank you, Kevlyn."

Yep, she’s a girl.

~*~Tracie~*~  
The next few days were very normal. The Mall had been a definite not just friend thing. He is never allowed to eat ice cream in my presence again. He’d take these long licks, the use the tip of his tongue to dig out the pecans. Bad, bad, bad.

~*~AJ~*~  
He’s usually not that easy to convince of things. When I mentioned they should spend a lot of time together he agreed way too easy. It was a test. They spend a lot of time together anyway. He bit. He’s sunk. In a good way.

We spent Friday in the studio. He was distracted. It was funny as shit. His mind was not with us. We ordered pizza in for lunch and sat around. "So Nick, is Pam coming tonight?"

He laughed, "Of course. She wouldn’t miss an opportunity to dress up like this."

Brian laughed, "All girls like to dress up. I bet she’ll look beautiful. How are things going?"

"Better I think. I’m not gonna stress on it. She either trusts me or not. We’ll see how it goes tonight. Her dress is great, light blue with those little straps. Looks great on."

I didn’t think it was gonna go well. On to a more fun non-couple, "So Kevin, what is Tracie wearing?"

He never looked up from his pizza, "No idea."

The four of us looked at each other. I got to be spokesman, "She won’t tell you?" The others laughed.

"She and Lee are shopping today."

Nick got that mischievous grin, "So is this a date?"

"It’s a friendly date. We’re taking a look at options."

Howie cracked up, "About damn time."

Kevin’s head popped up, "What do you mean by that?"

I answered, "What he means is that you two go out on more dates than anyone who is really dating. About time you looked to see if you were dating or not."

Kevin sighed, "I’m not going to risk our friendship. Means to much to me."

All four of us rolled our eyes, he missed it.

~*~Lee~*~  
I love shopping for pretty dresses. It’s a girl thing. Sometimes it’s great to be a girly girl. I went for dark blue with a slightly full skirt. A little bigger dress as the hostess/planner of this. I like to stand out. Tracie chose a dress designed to kill Kevin.


	40. Chapter 40

~*~Kevin~*~  
I’m nervous. This is ridiculous. Tracie and I have been out together dozens of times. If things are gonna get back to normal, we have to get back to normal. Only maybe things are going to be a new normal. Deep breath, knock on door, "Hey, Trace." Shit. Has she always looked this good? She’s wearing a cream colored silk dress. Spaghetti straps, low cut, and fitted perfectly to her. Her hair is up with a few loose pieces, and her tan looks amazing against this color.

She smiled and grabbed her bag, "Hey, Kevin. You look very handsome."

I let her walk in front of me, "You look very pretty." Understatement. Her walking in front of me was a mistake. The back of her dress was cut all the way down to her ass. Shit.

Great party. Lee knew how to put one together. The rest of the guys were already there when we got there. We joined them at a table. AJ was Lee’s date. Nothing going on there, both were single and the hostess needed a date. Brian, Nick, and Howie all had their dates. We had a table all to ourselves and cut up throughout the dinner and speakers. Lee had kept the talking part to a bare minimum. She had pulled in some political people as well as musicians, teachers, and local movers and shakers. After dinner we were all mingling and talking with new people. Tracie was up near the stage talking with some people she knew from the club. Lee, AJ and I were standing in the back. Lee was taking a break from kissing ass, I mean working the room.

~*~AJ~*~  
If Kevin watched Tracie any closer his eyes were gonna fall out. Thing is . . . I don’t think he even realized he was drooling. "Tracie looks absolutely gorgeous. We should make her dress up more often. Hard to think of her as just one of the guys with that dress cut so low."

Lee knew what I was doing, smiled and walked away. It was just he and I.

Kevin glared at me, "Don’t start, AJ. Things are feeling pretty normal. We’re keeping this laid back. See what happens."

"What do you mean see what happens?" It had already happened, been happening for probably as long as we’d known her.

"Aje, I don’t want to lose my best friend. If we’re friends that will go on. If we take it to another level I could lose it all."

We’d already done this, but why not go a little further. "What makes you think you can go back?"

"It was two kisses."

Ok, he was still being stupid. "What’s going to happen to you when she shows up at a party with a new lover?" I saw him wince, let’s see if he noticed.

"It’ll suck, but I’ll deal with it if it means I get to keep her forever."

Remember when I said that they both needed to find someone that they cared about more than themselves? 

"Hang with me on this one. What’s going to happen to you when you show up at a party with a new lover, introduce her to Tracie, and see that same stab of pain in her eyes that I just saw in yours?"

He shot me a look and immediately took off. He could take being hurt, but couldn’t take her being hurt.

It feels good to be right.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I couldn’t handle that. If I hurt her it would destroy me. It would destroy us, our friendship. I had to talk to her. We had to talk about this. I don’t know what we need to talk about or what we need to do, but that first idea we had to just let whatever happen is not gonna work.

I headed toward her and she walked off. She went down the hall to the bathrooms. I’d wait.

~*~Lee~*~  
Kevin was pacing in front of the stage. Poor guy. I walked over and put my hand on him and he almost jumped out of his skin. "Sorry, where’d she go?"

"Bathroom. She’s been gone forever. I’m starting to worry."

"Come on, I’ll check." Isn’t he the cutest?

We started down the hallway to the kitchen and the bathrooms. Tracie was standing there talking to Michael Woodford. Gorgeous and very well connected. I smiled as I saw Kevin’s eyes flash greener jealousy. 

We walked up and I put my arm around Tracie, "This is where you ran off too. Cornering the eligible bachelor."

Tracie looked uneasy, "Not exactly."

"Michael Woodford this is Kevin Richardson. You two have some things in common, both of you are working toward a better environment. Michael is working in his state at the city level. He’s quite the up and coming political figure."

Tracie was looking at her shoes. Kevin looked at her and his eyes narrowed, "I get the feeling we interrupted something here."

Michael spoke, "No problem, Kevin. Theresa and I are were reacquainting ourselves."

"Theresa?" Tracie looked at him and shrugged her shoulders.

"Yes, we were engaged."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I could see the bells going off. I watched Kevin’s left hand clench, pull back, and smash into Michael’s mouth. Michael was knocked backwards and his hand went to his mouth. He looked at the blood and pressed his handkerchief to it, "What the hell is your problem?"

Kevin strode forward and got right in his face, "Don’t you ever lay a hand on a lady. Especially this one." He grabbed my hand and practically pulled me down the hall. He kept flexing his left hand, "Dammit, that fucking hurt."

"Let me see." We stopped right outside of the hallway. I took his hand and could see the redness left by the contact, "You didn’t bust it open." It wasn’t swelling or anything. "Kevin . . ."

He cut me off, "I wanted to dance with you. You headed to the bathroom and you were taking forever. I’m glad we came looking for you."

"Me too." I felt trapped. Michael wasn’t letting me go.

"Will you dance with me? Now."

"Sure." I took his hand and he led us into the song. I was thinking about the repercussions of decking Michael. For Kevin. I could tell he was thinking too and he kept looking at his hand.

Lee walked up, "Strangest thing happened. Michael Woodford, that politician guy. He drank too much, tripped on his own feet, and fell. Busted his lip on the water fountain by the bathroom. I expected better behavior from him. He’s left. Have fun you two." She winked and smiled.

I breathed.

~*~Kevin~*~  
We have danced like this so many times. Only this time is different. Since we kissed this is the first time we’ve been this close. We always kiss hello, goodbye, and we hug all the time. But not since we kissed. We were keeping our distance. My hand was on her waist, but my fingers wrapped around her and were touching bare skin. I was trying to figure out what to say when she looked up, "Thank you, Kevlyn."

Suddenly that silly drunken nickname might be the death of me. "I’ve wanted to do that for over a year. It was my pleasure." She laid her head on my shoulder and moved her body next to mine. She was facing my neck and I could feel her breath on my skin. "Trace, what are you doing?"

"Breathing?"

I could feel every single cell in my body. I wasn’t breathing. "Tracie, look at me." She looked up. Have her eyes always been this blue, her lips so perfect, has she always been this beautiful? Have I always felt this way?

My hand moved onto her back, holding her close to me. My other hand went under her chin to turn her face up to me, hold her there, "You are beautiful." That’s not want I meant to say, but it’s what came out.

"Thank you." She stretched up and kissed me. Nothing big. Not unlike we’ve kissed a hundred times before.

Only this time I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. Her eyes told me she didn’t want me too. I lowered my mouth to hers. Her lips were so soft. I kissed her a few times before parting my lips. My tongue licked at her lip. Begging her to let me in. So easy, she let me in so easy. Both times I’d kissed her before it was unplanned, sloppy, and I honestly don’t remember much. Besides the shock of it. Not this time. I used my tongue to find hers. I felt every nerve fire. I told myself to keep it simple, keep it easy. Slow it down. We traded off exploring each other. I’m not sure which I enjoyed more. Me tasting her, or allowing her into me. God, this felt so fucking good.

Both of us backed up simultaneously. Her mouth was still open and she touched her lips like she had the first time we kissed. She stayed looking at me. I saw a flash of recognition in her eyes and she looked behind her then back to me, "Your hands are on my ass."

I hadn’t noticed. I looked over her shoulders and followed my arms to my hands. Which were indeed on her ass. I’ll be damned, don’t know how that happened. "Yes they are. I think they’re gonna stay there."

"Whatever." She rolled her eyes. That was my best friend. Then she smiled at me. That was my . . . soon to be . . . lover. Somewhere in the last ten minutes I decided I would make her mine.


	41. Chapter 41

~*~AJ~*~  
Look at that! Dancing turns to kissing. Nick, Brian, and Howie noticed. They headed over to me and Lee.

Nick high fived me, "Finally!"

All of us busted out laughing when Kevin’s hands moved down to her ass. He’d been watching that ass for months. About damn time he got his hands on it. They talked for a minute then he took her hand and they left. Umm? Wonder where they’re going.

I think the lioness is gonna get the zebra.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin kisses . . . well, wonderful. I felt that kiss all the way to my toes. That idea of playing it by ear and seeing what happened is gone. Forget it. I can tell you exactly what is gonna happen. The only unknown is which one of us is going to orgasm first.

He took my hand and headed out the door, "Do you have everything?" I nodded my head. He stopped and kissed me again. Slowly. Just as I got used to him he pulled away and we were on our way to the car.. He opened the car door and waited for me to get settled then closed it. He was inside and we were pulling out of the parking lot. The tension in the car was amazing. Deathly quiet. My stomach was doing flips. I wanted him. I was staring. He has a magnificent profile. The lines of his jaw, his eyes, his hair. He watched the road. Something was going on behind his eyes.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I was making a list of all the things I wanted to do to her . . . for her . . . with her. The list was getting pretty damn long. One little detail, "Your place or mine?"

She looked at me, "Ten minutes to yours, twenty five to mine."

At the same time I said "mine" she said "yours". We both laughed. I reached across and took her hand in mine. Ten minutes seemed like a very long time right now.

"Kevin, you’re crushing my hand."

Now that is smooth. I have no idea how to do this. She knows all my moves, and will bust me without a second thought. I let go of her hand. Now what to do with it.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Good. He’s as keyed up as I am. I need to be out of this car and somewhere where I can touch him. I’m going insane. I can’t stop looking at him. I’ve seen him almost everyday for over a year. There are things I’m just seeing. I want to kiss that little scar under his eye. Look at the curls at the nape of his neck, need my fingers in there.

~*~Kevin~*~  
She reached over and started playing with my hair. I really needed to close my eyes and feel that. I always have this little fear the first time with a woman that I won’t be able to get it up. This was not going to be a problem. Hard as a damn rock. The big question is how long I can hold off. I have to touch her. I reached over and laid my hand on her leg. Her dress is so soft. I can feel the warmth of her body through the silk. My fingers started inching her dress up her leg. Just above her knee where I could slip my hand under it to touch her skin. Before I touched her I thought how she would feel ~ smooth, soft, and that she would make some little sound. I love being right. A quiet short groan came from her and I glanced over to see her eyes close and her press her head into the seat of my car. She stopped playing in my hair and ran her nails across my skin. I floored it.

I slammed on the brakes in my driveway. I jumped out of the car and was to her before she could close the door. I took her hand and took off. I fumbled with my keys trying to unlock the front door. Tracie moved up on me and I felt her hands on the sides of my hips. That grounded me just enough to get the damned door open. I grabbed her hand and pulled her through. Inside finally. I dropped my coat on the floor.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I need to get my feet back under me. I am usually the aggressor and right now I’m just tagging along. I have no control and no idea where I lost it. I leaned back and yanked his arm. He turned and I pulled his hand, pulling him toward me. Ah, sweet control. He smirked and kissed me. I caught his tongue and sucked him. He squeezed me to him and I could feel the hard lines of his body against me. I moved my hands from his back and undid his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt. I am suddenly nervous. This is ridiculous. I’m certainly not a virgin and I’ve seen Kevin nearly naked many times. Haven’t touched him though. Time to fix that. I finished unbuttoning his shirt and ran my hands up his stomach to his chest and let them rest on his shoulders. Just the beginning. I want to pull away from his mouth and look at him. See him differently. But I can’t. I’ve lost control again.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Her hands on my body. Oh God. Her touch on my skin. I have to pull away from her. I took her hand and headed upstairs. I fought the urge to run. I flipped the light on in my bedroom and turned to her again. She kept walking right into me as I got rid of the shirt she’d unbuttoned. I wanted to feel her next to me. I wanted to feel me touching her. I wanted to see my hands on her body. I wrapped my arms around her. Has she always been this little? It was like I was completely wrapped around her, which sent my mind to a place where she would be wrapped around me. Time for that dress to go. I unzipped the back, "This dress looks amazing on you." It fell to the floor. She had nothing on underneath. Somehow I already knew that would be the case. "That dress looks amazing off you." 

She stood there letting me look at her. No self-consciousness in the bright room. I looked all the places I hadn’t seen before. Her breasts I’d seen, but her nipples were so tight. I worked down past her pierced navel, which struck me as so hot right now. I should have expected what I saw next. She does work at a swimming pool after all. The perfect Brazilian bikini wax. I was envious of whoever got to touch her there.

I worked the button and zipper of my pants and dropped those to the floor and kicked them out of the way. I held her to me again and kissed her. Deeper, more passionate. Needing, wanting now. I found my hands on her ass again, holding her next to me. I wanted to make sure she felt exactly what she was doing to me. Had been for the last hour. And I hurt. Her hands roamed my back, my ass. Massaging and holding me, I could feel her nails scrape against me. This felt so good. She felt so good. I couldn’t take it anymore. I sucked on her neck and noticed that her head dropped to the side so I could get to her. I pulled the pins from her hair and let it fall over her, over me. I tugged at her earlobe before whispering, "Remember when I told you that what you needed was a man who could fuck you?" She licked the side of my neck and mumbled a yes. I held her shoulders and looked her in the eyes, "I’m the man who can do it."

~*~Tracie~*~  
Legs giving out. Inability to breathe. I remember when he said that. I thought it would be a cold day in hell before some man fucked me without me letting it happen. But it was happening. If this feeling of no contol is what being ‘taken’ is like I want this. I want this feeling, this inability to do anything, and the willingness to do everything. I didn’t care. I just wanted. Him. I wanted him to take me, touch me, and become part of me. Make us more than just friends.

He picked me up, laid me on the bed, and laid his body over me. His body is so gorgeous. So sculpted and muscular. Tan. His skin like chocolate, that chocolate that you have to have. He moved his knee between mine and pushed them apart. I wrapped one around his thigh and rubbed against him. I could feel his hard cock against my thigh. My whole body was tingling, on fire. He was rustling in his nightstand then sat back on his knees. I saw the condom in his hand. My mind said to reach for him, touch him, roll that on myself. My body wasn’t responding. My eyes followed his hands to his cock. He grabbed himself and deftly sheathed himself. I felt my gaze moving up and down his length and finally my body reached out to touch him.

Kevin caught my hands and kissed my palms as he lowered his body over mine again. He held my hands above my head. Nothing as severe as "pinned", just holding them there so they’d have a place to rest.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I could see the look in her eyes. Letting me lead, not of her own volition, but a quiet resolution. She needed someone who could knock her off her feet and make her want to be taken. Leave her no choice but to give in. I had done that. I felt two things simultaneously. One was the conquering hero. I had won the prize. The other was an amazing sense of responsibility to her or for her. I was my responsibility to make it right, to make us more than just friends. That made this very different.  
I reached between us to grab my cock and find her. I slid myself along her, feeling her slickness. I felt the indentation. My way in. I moved my hand away and laid it beside her face. I began covering her lips with soft kisses. I rolled my hips just a little. Letting both of us feel. It felt so good. Physically and the pure anticipation. I pulled at her bottom lip and felt her tongue run along my upper lip. I pushed my hips, pushing barely into her. Slowly I pulled out, pushed back. Each time a little further. Each time our kisses getting more intense. The resistance inside her body squeezing me, trying to keep me out, then not wanting me to leave. I made my way inside her. I buried myself completely in her, and moaned as our tongues wrapped around the other. I stayed there a few moments. Feeling her tight down the length of me and feeling me reaching the depths of her. For the first time in my life I felt that at this moment I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I couldn’t take it anymore. I kissed his neck. So soft. I could feel the muscle twitch against my tongue. He started to thrust inside me. Fuck me. Not aggressive. More like determined. It body and eyes were telling me I was his. I grabbed onto his back as his pace increased, his pressure and depth increasing. My nails digging into his skin, hitting the hardness of his muscles. Our eyes again in the instant before we smiled then kissed again. He felt so good inside me. I felt full of him and wanted to stay that way. I wrapped my legs around his waist. His strokes shortened. He stayed deep inside me, pulling out just an inch or so then slamming into me again. Short, sharp thrusts. I whispered to him, "I hope that feels half as good to you as it does to me."

~*~Kevin~*~  
"It feels incredible. I can’t hold on much longer. I’m sorry. It’s too good. I think I’ve wanted this too long." Some little voice inside me said that I had. "Wanted you too long."

Her hands were in my hair, "We’ve got all night."

That was the end for me. I kissed her again. My tongue moving in the rhythm of our hips. One . . . last . . . thrust. I buried my face against her neck, "Oh god, umm, oh god." My cock jerked and exploded inside her. Inside Tracie. She tightened her hold on me. Holding me tight, exactly what I needed. I pushed as deep inside her as I could get and let my body begin to recover.

I rolled off her and lay breathless on the pillow beside her. I was drenched in sweat. Fucking is hard work. I reached over and found her arm, followed that to her hand, and held it in mine. I opened my eyes and looked over to find my best friend also drenched in sweat. Except now I saw my lover. I couldn’t quite reconcile the two yet. I blew on her. She looked over and gave me her best annoyed look. Lord knows I’d seen that enough. "What?"

"You were right." She laughed.

"I’ve always wanted to hear that from you. What am I right about?"

"I needed someone to take away my control and fuck me." What she said next nearly fucking killed me. "I’m glad it was you."

I rolled to my side and kissed her, "That was because we had to. This time we get to savor it." We hadn’t really touched each other, explored each other. Jumped right into the sex. "I want to make you feel so good."

"How many condoms do you have?"

"No where near enough for all the things I want to do."


	42. Chapter 42

~*~Tracie~*~  
I wanted to touch and kiss him. I needed to touch and kiss him. We laid on our sides facing and staring at each other. I decided to start at the top. My fingers swam through his hair. It was damp with sweat. I brushed it away from his face. His beautiful face. Suddenly I notice that he has to be the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life. My fingertips traced a line across his forehead, down his nose. The backs of my fingers caressed his cheek, so soft. His eyes were closed. I kissed his eyelids then moved down to his mouth. One chaste kiss. My finger traced his lips. He bit my finger then sucked it into his mouth. So warm. I let him keep it and went for his neck. He arched his head back for me. He tasted so salty, sweaty. His muscle twitched and I nibbled at that. My finger was freed as I heard a deep moan and felt hands on my back, holding me to him. I could feel each of his fingers pressing into my flesh. I kept kissing and sucking along his neck, moving to the other side. I heard that same moan as I teased and licked behind his ear. My hands were on his chest as I started to slide down his body. I quickly scanned his body and figured it would take a good long time to cover that chest and abdomen in kisses the way I wanted. His muscles are so hard. His body is so warm. My hands played along his biceps and shoulders as I kissed him. I gave his nipples much attention. They hardened and I pulled at them with my teeth.

~*~Kevin~*~  
"Jesus, Tracie. That feels so good." Her tongue leaving little wet kisses on my skin, then moving over my nipples. Sucking me and flicking them back and forth. My nipples are so sensitive and she won’t leave them alone. I can hear the sounds I’m making and obviously she understands and is keeping doing what works. She kept moving down and got to my navel. Her tongue darting in and out is sending shockwaves through me. My cock is ridiculously hard and I can feel her breast against it. I don’t know what I want more . . . her to suck me or to be back inside her.

I didn’t get a choice, Ahe crawled back up my body and kissed me. She spoke against my mouth, "You are the most handsome man I have ever seen. I can’t believe I missed that." She sat up, her ass right above my cock, her hands rubbing my chest, "So beautiful."

I am a sucker for compliments. I like hearing that I’m attractive. Not the blind adoration of fans and groupies I’ve fucked, but from someone who matters. Tracie matters. I ran my hands up her sides to her breasts. My eyes focused on them as I cupped them and my thumbs ran back and forth over her nipples. They hardened under my touch and I sat up enough to lick her, twirl my tongue around her nipple, then suck her into my mouth. She made this sound that started at a moan and ended in a whimper. Her fingers in my hair held me too her. I wasn’t going anywhere. I gave the other some attention and kept my fingers busy on the first. "Kev, stop, please."

"What?" I backed up.

She smiled, "I’m not done with you yet." She moved to the foot of the bed and started kissing and licking up my leg.

"You are such a tease. I didn’t expect that." She licked straight up my inner thigh, "Oh fuck!"

"What was that about a tease?"

"Nevermind." I can’t remember the last time I squirmed this much or wanted anything this much. I was saying a silent prayer as she licked along the line that joined my leg to my torso that she could give at least a decent blow job. Please, let her be able to do that. Finally, I felt her hand wrap around my cock. I sighed and arched my back.

"Kevin, relax, let go of the sheets." I didn’t even know I was hanging on, "I promise I’m good at this."

I looked down saw her hand wrapped around me and the smile on her face. Her eyes connected with mine. My peripheral vision watched what she was doing to me. Neither of us broke the eye contact. Her tongue teased my slit then slid around the head of my cock. I could see her mouth turn up into a smile as she slid me inside her. I groaned as she took me and I fought the urge to close my eyes. I didn’t want to lose contact with her. I can only say for myself, but being blown while the lady looks into your eyes is total acceptance. She wants to be doing this, getting me off. That really gets me off. Her hand jacked where her mouth couldn’t reach, and that wasn’t much. Perfect movements. She worked me in, out, and around. She varied speed and pressure, letting it build. Her tongue pressing the right places.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I loved watching his eyes as I sucked him. So green and full of desire, excitement. I loved sucking him. He’s not too big, not too small. In the words of baby bear, "just right". I liked the control too. I had all the control. I kept eye contact and could hear his breathing. Ragged, short breaths, combined with moans. He hips moved slightly, but he let me do him. His hands were in my hair, but not guiding me, just feeling me. "Oh baby, I’m gonna cum."

~*~Kevin~*~  
I started keeping a notebook a long time ago with lists of those things that strike me as I go about life. Fan stories that touch me, bizarre things I saw or heard. Calling my best friend, "baby" as I’m seconds from orgasm from her sucking my cock is gonna get it’s own page.

She didn’t lie she is good at this. Very good. I don’t know if it’s all technique or how close we are, the emotional part, and the newness of this. Frankly, at the moment, I didn’t care.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I kept one hand keeping time with my mouth and moved the other from his hip to his balls. I gently massaged them. "Don’t stop, oh baby, I . . . oh . . ." That was the end. He made these wonderfully sexy sounds, moans and grunts. Pure male. Made me feel very female.

I kept licking and sucking him until he was silent and started to get soft then I kissed a trail up his body. I laid full on top of him and whispered in his ear, "I told you I was good at that."

I kissed his eyelids again and felt his body shudder. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight, "You weren’t kidding. Tracie, thank you."

"Anytime, Kevin." I kissed his lips softly, "I’m gonna run downstairs and get a drink. I’ll be right back."


	43. Chapter 43

~*~Kevin~*~  
I’m impressed. Why didn’t we do this before? This has felt so good. I hope it’s not beginners luck. Time to stop that train of thought. I headed downstairs after her. I walked in the kitchen and saw this naked woman in my refrigerator, "Hey there."

She looked over and smiled, "Hey, I was coming back."

"I know. I couldn’t wait." I walked to her and pressed my body against her back, my hands on her stomach. I used my face to move her hair to one side so I could kiss on her neck.

Tracie let out this little sigh and pressed back into me, "So thirsty that you couldn’t wait?"

"That impatient and lonely." My right hand went to her breast, my left moved between her legs. I still hadn’t got to touch her. My fingers slid along and inside her. She was warm and slippery to my touch. I moaned in her ear, "Very good."

She turned her head to me, "What are you doing to me?"

I knew what she meant, but went another way, "Trying to make you feel as good as you just did me."

She closed her eyes as I kissed her. My tongue explored her sweet mouth as my fingers found her clit and slowly rolled over it. She collapsed a little more into me. I went back to kissing her neck, "I can taste me in your mouth. That turns me on. I want to taste you in my mouth." I turned her around to face me, then turned us around so I could lift her onto the island. I kissed her again then smiled at her, seeing her desire in her eyes. Loved that.

"Tasting yourself turns you on?"

I know, most men won’t kiss after they cum in a ladies mouth. I figure that it’s rude to refuse to kiss someone who’s just blown you. The taste doesn’t bother me and it seems to drive home the knowledge of what she’s just done. That turns me on. "Yes, reminds me of what you just did to me." I bent to suck her breasts again and slid my fingers inside her, began to move them in and out. Part of me so wanting it to be my cock inside her. She leaned back on her hands as I made my way down her body. I stopped at her navel too. Pulled at the gold ring there. Just enough to hear her moan, knowing that’s more about anticipating what’s to come. I went down further. I could smell her and felt myself get hard. I kissed along her bare skin, "Still jealous of whoever did this."

"You can do it next time." 

It’s pretty amazing how hard a cock can get.

I kept my fingers moving in and out of her as I licked her. I felt around with my tongue exploring her slowly. I got my fingers out of the way and tongue fucked her. I had to feel her wrapped around my tongue and taste her completely. My fingers sank inside her again as I wiggled my tongue up to her clit. I gave her the same "gift" she had given me and turned my eyes up to her. She was watching me and biting her lip. I flicked and circled at her clit, then would suck her. Every time I’d suck she’d take a sharp intake of air and her blue eyes would flare with electricity. It wasn’t too long before I heard a deep, deep moan followed by, "Oh god, Kevlyn." Then a high whimper, "So close, so so close." I kept doing just what I was and began to feel her contracting around my fingers. Her sighs and moans got louder and closer together. Her eyes turned this bright beautiful blue. Seconds later I got a string of "oh gods" some whimpering noises and another one of those deep breathy "Kevlyns". This one was drawn out. She was gone. Her eyes never left mine. Intense.

I was happy. I broke the eye contact and looked where I was licking. I felt a hand on my face, pulling me up. I met her eyes again, "Inside me. Now."

I had come downstairs prepared and grabbed the condom off the counter top. This time she took it and put it on me. My hands rubbed her thighs as she touched me. One of her hands left my cock and went to my face to pulled me in for a kiss. Her other hand took my cock right into her. I stopped kissing her, "Tracie, you are so tight, feels great."

"You feel great. Made me feel great. Thank you."

I smirked, "Anytime."

Her hands went to my ass, "Harder, baby, harder." 

Her nails dug into me as I pumped into her harder. I reached between us as we kissed and used my thumb to work her clit again, "I want you to cum, too."

Tracie wrapped her arms around my neck and grabbed my hair, not really pulling, but being as rough as we were fucking each other. This time it was very shared fucking. We kissed again and I wanted it to stay that way. I was damn close and she was making those sounds again. She tried to pull away from the kiss, but I held her to me. I wanted it this way. She stopped trying and took it out on my tongue as her orgasm hit. I felt her gripping my cock and went deep to cum. The room was filled with muffled sounds of both of us. I let her go and we wrapped around each other. She spoke, "That was damn good."

"Hell, yes." I started laughing, "I don’t think you can ever call me Kevlyn again without me having a flashback."

"I’ll remember that and use it wisely." She sucked on my bottom lip before kissing me again then burying her head in my neck. She still sat on the island with her legs around my waist, "Take me to bed . . . Kevlyn."

My hands held her ass I carried her, "As you wish."


	44. Chapter 44

~*~Tracie~*~  
I don’t think I can see. Or walk. Or think. Damn that was good. His fucking mouth is lethal.

I kept kissing his neck and shoulder as he carried me back to bed. Once up stairs he turned off the light and sat down on his bed. We kept kissing as he laid down. I wrapped my leg around him and held him close. His fingers ran through my hair. My hand played along his chest again. We laid there in the dark making out for a long time. Touching, but keeping our kisses from the neck up. I figure both of us are a little tired. The kissing slowed and I rested my head on his shoulder with my hand on his chest. Kevin hugged me tight and ran his finger down my cheek, "You are so beautiful."

I mumbled a "thank you" as we both feel asleep.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I woke up around ten. It was bright outside and the morning light showed the reality of this situation. I had spent the better part of the night fucking my best friend. Scratch that, I had spent the best part of the night fucking my best friend. Not that she didn’t participate, oh god, did she participate. Shit, just gave myself a hard on. Huge hard on. Talk about a high probability of an awkward moment. What will we be by morning light, and who will say it?

Tracie woke up quickly. We still lay as we had when we fell asleep. Her head on my shoulder, leg over me, and me holding her. She looked at me then laid her head back down. I imagine she was thinking the same thing I just had been. I started with no idea where I was going, "Trace?"

She rolled on top of me and kissed me, caressing my tongue with hers, "Kev, I know. How about we talk about it tomorrow afternoon? Until then lets see how good we can make each other feel. Define it later."

Oh yeah! "Ok, I can do that. We’re supposed to be at AJ’s tonight. We can’t both not be there without them knowing everything. I don’t know if I’m ready for them to know everything."

"I can be ready in less than an hour. That leaves us about seven hours." She ran her hands up my neck and into my hair. Traced the outline of my ear with her tongue.

I ran my fingertips over her back, then pressed her ass into me, let her rub against my hard cock, "What do you want to do until then?"

"I told you. See how good we can make each other feel. I’ll start, since you seem to be ready."

Awkward moment averted. I don’t know why I don’t want them to know everything. Maybe it’s that I don’t want anyone to fuck it up before we figure out what it is. Or I don’t want to fuck up a friendship with witnesses. Or maybe I want to enjoy this remodeling project for a while before I share it with anyone but her.

I stopped thinking as she eased herself onto me.


	45. Chapter 45

~*~Tracie~*~  
With about three hours to go Kevin got out of bed and turned on the shower. He came back and took my hand, "Come on."

I laughed, "We’ve got three hours."

He pulled me to him and kissed me, "If we don’t start early we’ll never get there. And if we don’t eat something we’re gonna pass out. And you need clothes. I think you showing up in that dress, which I love, would be a dead give away."

"You think we’ll make it through the night and keep our hands off each other?" I wasn’t even willing to entertain this as an option. All I knew for sure was that for the next twenty-four hours I had full access to his body and whatever I could think of doing to him. Who knew what would happen after we talked.  
I wasn’t even thinking about it. I was going to just enjoy it, then worry about the rest.

"No. I don’t think I even want to do that. But I don’t want either of us to take their shit and you know they will give us shit. We’ve got another twenty-four hours before we think about this. I plan on enjoying ever second. Either doing what I want or driving myself insane trying to keep from doing it."

He kissed me. Nice that we were on the same page with this. "Right now, I want you in the shower. Take that in the nastiest possible way."

And he had me in the shower.

Kevin was right, we needed to start early. He’s very good at starting and stopping. Likes to make it last. The times when he’s not inside me are filled with so much kissing and touching that by the time he’s inside me again I’m more excited than I was when he left. Took us about an hour to get out of the shower. We went downstairs and threw a couple of frozen dinners in the oven. Damn near set those on fire. Settled for salad. AJ would have snacks. Had to take another shower then because we reeked of sex. We finally left the house an hour after we were supposed to be there. It’s all good. 

~*~Lee~*~  
Pam was here. I watched her. As more people arrived she got clingier and clingier. Even when she wasn’t glued to his side she was watching like a hawk about to swoop down and eat the baby bird. I also watched him get more and more annoyed. Where the hell is Tracie? I need to bounce this off her. Make sure I’m not seeing what I want to see. I know what I want to see, but I also know that I want him to be ok. The latter is much more important.

~*~AJ~*~  
Where the hell is Tracie? Where the hell is Kevin? Coincidence? I don’t think so.

My party was good. I liked my party. Mom was gone to her parents and the house was ours. I went to kitchen to load some more chips and wings. I was flanked by Lee, Nick, Howie, and Brian. Brian laughed, "Umm, the gangs all here."

Nick stuck his finger in his mouth, "Wait aren’t we missing someone?"

Howie ate another wing, "Two someone’s I believe."

"One hundred bucks says they try to be good, but lose it by eleven." Lee helped with some chips.

Nick laughed, "If they make it here by eleven. Are you saying you believe they are finally fucking?"

AJ laughed, "I’ll say it if she doesn’t. They are finally fucking."

"How will we know? He’s not gonna talk." Brian knew his cousin well.

I started a list, "Let’s see, if they come in holding hands."

Lee smiled, "Already do."

"Ok, if they kiss."

"Do that."

"If they spend all their time together."

"Check."

"If they fall sleep together some where."

"Ditto."

"If they go out on dates and talk on the phone everyday." I threw my hands up, "Obviously, they have been fucking for nearly a year and we missed it."

Nick smiled, "It’ll be written all over their faces, in their eyes. The way it should be when you’re finally with the one you love more than life itself. Your soulmate, when you find her."

Room was silent. An amazingly profound statement had just come from our little Nicky. A little sad too, obviously he’s been thinking about Pam and I don’t see anything but sad and annoyed written all over him. Lee put her arm around him and whispered something. He hugged her. Now, isn’t this getting interesting?

~*~Nick~*~  
Lee told me to hang in there, that I would find her. I know it’s not Pam. Today had been hell. She didn’t want to come, and now she’s clinging. I feel like I’m counting down the days to when I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how I’ll know.

We all walked out laughing and carrying more food. Kevin and Tracie walked in the door.

~*~Lee~*~  
Tracie is wearing Kevin’s clothes. Looks like a pair of his swim trunks and a white tank that she has tied to make it look like it fits. None of the other guys will notice this because she just looks hot.

~*~AJ~*~  
Damn, she looks hot. She came in the door in front of him, but turned to look at him as soon as she got in the hallway. He smiled at her then they went their separate ways. Tracie headed to Lee and Kevin went toward a group of friends. Nick walked over to me.

"I told you. Written all the fuck over them. Did you see how she looked at him, how he smiled. Thank you, God. Finally." Ok, he was a little excited, and a little drunk. But damn, he’d been miserable for long enough and we love Tracie. We all do.

I laughed, "Yep, they’re fucking." I was fighting the urge to go over and bust his ass, but then decided I’d give them a week. They were probably having enough trouble dealing with this anyway. They are the two thinkingest people I’ve ever met.

It wasn’t long before Kevin made his way toward Nick and I. Nick was smiling huge, "Running a little late?"

"Yeah, it took us longer than we expected to get dinner. Sorry, AJ."

"No problem. Your loss missing this kick ass party."

He smiled, "I’ll find a way to live with the loss."

~*~Lee~*~  
"So, Ms. Tracie, a little late are we? And we left my party a little early last night. I wonder what could be occupying all your time and be better than partying with friends." I smiled sweetly.

She took a chicken wing off my plate and smirked, "Way way better than partying with friends. Oh god, way better. Don’t ask anything, I don’t know anything. We’re gonna talk tomorrow afternoon, until then it’s pure pleasure. Impure pleasure?"

"Got to hate that. You know where I am. Whatever you need. Now for me . . . Nick keeps showing up at late hours, running away from home. I think he’s gonna ditch her."

Tracie pumped her arm, "Yes! Then he can move on."

"I want him."

Tracie started choking and coughing, "Shit, Lee!"

"I know. What can I say . . . he’s hot, and he’s sweet, and way too good for her. I want him bad."

Kevin walked up and put his hand on her back, "You ok?"

I watched the back of her hand lay against his thigh, "Yeah, I’m ok. Lee just freaked me out a little."

"Ok, just checking." He walked off.

She turned back to face me with this glazed over look. I laughed, "Hope you’re seriously not trying to make anyone believe you two aren’t fucking?"

"Why?"

"You cough, he runs over. You are all flushed and he just touched your back. That good?" She nodded her head and smiled, looked like she was remembering. "I hate you. I won’t be waiting a year before I fuck Nick. He’ll get over her faster if he has someone new."

"Of course he will. And you will let him do what he needs to do. Nick’s not a slut who has to fuck her out of his system like . . ." She trailed off.

I got in her face, "You just remember he’s already fucked her out of his system. He’s not gonna risk your friendship for a fuck and you know it."

"I know." She laughed, "Damn, you’re all worked up. I swear it’s fine. We’ll work it out tomorrow. I’m a slut too. He just has more opportunity. How long till Nick dumps her?"

"Not sure, but not long. I’ve been watching. She’s clingy and he’s annoyed. He pretty much said he knows it’s ending, waiting for the last straw. I wanted you here to watch too, make sure I wasn’t being and opportunistic bitch and seeing what I want to see."

"Please, don’t even go there. You would never do anything to make this happen. It will."

"Think you can pry your eyes off your lover and watch too?"

"If I ever become so dependent that all I do is hang on him and follow him around I want you to kick my ass hard. I hate that. I am still a person with my own friends." She giggled, "Right now doesn’t really count because I’m really horny."

"I think that’s a good thing to be."

"It’s a very good thing to be."

I hugged her, "You know I want details later."

"I’m sure!"


	46. Chapter 46

~*~Kevin~*~  
It was a good party. A little bigger than I usually like with too many eyes. AJ likes lots of people around and doesn’t mind if his business is all over the Internet. I hate that. I do what I need to in order to make sure that doesn’t happen. I liked being here "with" Tracie. Nothing had changed, yet everything had changed. She still made me laugh with her stories and her way with people. We both did the things we always did. We weren’t suddenly joined together. She went her way I went mine. I didn’t have to see her every second and she didn’t watch me. The differences. When our paths crossed one or both of us made sure to touch the other. Casually, but known to the other and driving me insane. There were times when I found myself watching her. Noticing how good she looked wearing my old swim trunks and tank. The white looked good on her. Very good. Maybe I should make a rule that she can’t wear white. Like she’d pay attention. Sometimes I’d remember the past eighteen hours and smile.

Things were in full swing and I saw her sitting just outside a circle of friends. She was in the conversation and laughing, her chair was just a little out of the group. I walked over, "Scoot over." I sat down next to her and joined in the conversation. I had missed part and had to ask questions to get caught up. No problem. I was tired. A good kind of tired. I leaned back in the chair behind Tracie and kept on talking. It was great. I could see this line of skin between my shorts and my tank. I kept on talking and ran my finger along her. It took about thirty seconds before she leaned back on me, which was exactly what I was going for.

~*~AJ~*~  
Sitting in the same chair. Now, he’s laying back. Now she is. And now his arm is wrapped around her stomach.

Lee walked over, "It’s not eleven yet. I have to stop them."

"He’s touching her. Not in a friendly sort of way." I laughed.

Nick joined us, "I’d be having a shitty time if it wasn’t so damn fun watching them. I feel like a private detective looking for clues. Did they or didn’t they?"

"Oh they did." Lee laughed.

We both looked at her, "You sure."

"One hundred percent. Confirmed."

Nick and I both yelled "yes" and high fived. They didn’t notice. "If this keeps up you’re gonna loose a hundred bucks."

"It’d be worth it. This is fun."

His hand rested on her stomach and when he thought no one in their circle was looking her would tickle her. We were looking.

~*~Tracie~*~  
He is teasing me. Two can play at this game. I leaned back on him and whispered where only he could here, "You know you’re only going to cause yourself pain with this game."

"Na, I’m fine. I like the goosebumps though."

"You’re fine now. Did you really think I wouldn’t play back . . . Kevlyn?"

"That’s not fair." 

I felt him shift his hips behind me. "Didn’t say anything about fair." I stood up and walked away.

I headed toward Lee, Nick, and AJ, "Shows over. Stop staring." AJ and Lee turned and walked off in opposite directions. "How are you, Nick? You look annoyed."

"I am annoyed. Pam is pissing me off. Same shit, but I’m about done. I don’t know why I can’t leave now. Something is keeping me here."

I put my arm around him, "You have to wait until you’re ready. I knew Scott was wrong for weeks before I ditched. Had to be sure there was nothing worth working for."

He kissed my cheek, "I’ll be fine. Good friends to see me through. You need to go back over there to Kevin. I’ve been getting a lot of enjoyment watching you two. Last night and tonight."

"Glad to amuse you." I laughed.

"Not amused really. Trace, it’s good. You two are great are friends. You two stand by the other no matter what. I want that. It only seems right, to me anyway, that if you’re that good of friends and attracted to each other, you gotta go for it."

I guess I was gonna talk about it, with Nick, "What about the friendship?"

"Only get better. You make it work. You already have that foundation. You make it work."

"When did you get so relationship savvy?"

"The past month watching mine die. Seeing everything that’s wrong and what I want and don’t have."

Talk about looking sad. I was careful about hugging Nick. Not because I gave a shit about Pam getting pissed, but because I didn’t want Nick to get shit from her. Tonight I glanced around and saw her watching and intentionally hugged him long and close. "I’m sorry, Nick. I know it’s hard, but you’ll be ok. You know that I’ll stand behind you."

"What do you think I should do?"

"Get out, sweetheart." I kissed his cheek and hugged him again.

He laughed a little, "Trace, don’t let him go. Don’t talk yourselves out of this. You guys are too good as friends, and you’ll be even better lovers. But I bet you already know that one."

I laughed with him.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Has she always been this good with my friends? I’m watching her cut up with AJ, then she’s in what looks to be a pretty serious conversation with Nick. Hell, they’re not my friends. They’re her friends too. Completely independent from me. She and AJ have hung out longer than I’ve known her. She’s been a friend to all of us at different times. No one more than me. And when did I forget that she’s a girl? Too long thinking of here as my guy friend has fucked up my brain. She’s a girl alright. All the parts are there and work. Well.

I walked over to them, "Can I talk to you a minute? Outside."

She looked confused, "Sure."

I took her hand and headed outside. I could see lightning in the distance, but for now it was dark and private. Little did I know there were five pairs of eyes inside watching us head outside.


	47. Chapter 47

~*~Tracie~*~  
Uh oh, he wants to talk outside. We said we’d talk about this tomorrow. It is not tomorrow yet. But no, this is Kevin, Mr. Think. He’s been thinking again. Damn him. He looked serious. It’s too late and I haven’t had enough sleep to do that ugly serious face. He kept walking to the other side of the pool to the garden that AJ’s mom had set up. I thought he was gonna walk straight in, but he pulled up at the edge. We couldn’t get much further from the house. 

He turned around as I said, "What did you want to talk about?"

He smiled, "I don’t want to talk. I couldn’t ask you to come outside so I could kiss you for a while."

With that his hand was laced through my hair and his lips were on mine. Soft kisses as we wrapped our arms around each other. "We said no talking until tomorrow.”

"I thought you’d forgot." I sucked the side of his neck.

"No way, free reign until tomorrow. At the earliest. Oh god, I like that."

I laughed, "I know you do." I sucked his earlobe into my mouth. "They all know."

He kissed my nose, "I don’t care."

~*~AJ~*~  
"Been out there a while." Brain mused.

"Leave them alone." Lee smacked his shoulder.

I laughed, "They better not destroy my mom’s garden. We can go to her room and see the garden."

Howie laughed, "Ya’ll wouldn’t do that?" We were halfway up the stairs by then. We were at the door to her balcony before Howie got there, "Ok, that’s far enough. A little privacy here. Just watch out the window.

Nick laughed, "You just don’t want the soundtrack to go with the movie."

"Hearing Kevin fuck is something I can live without."

I cackled, "Really, it’s not bad. He’s a moaner, not a talker."

"Why do you know this?" Brian asked.

"I’ve been rooming next to him for years, do you really think I haven’t heard?"

Howie pulled him away from the door, "Well, you’re not gonna hear now. This isn’t some groupie he’s fucking, it’s Tracie. And that makes a difference."

Nick screwed up his face, "I think he might be right."

I thought a second, "I’ll be good out of respect for her."

Lee laughed, "See there’s an upstanding citizen inside."

"Don’t push it. I told myself they could have a week, tops." I pulled back the curtain. "It’s raining."

Lee pushed in, "Are they out there?"

The others crowded in and looked. Nick yelled, "There they are. By the palm."

"I can’t see shit. All I see are flowers."

Nick laughed, "You’re looking to low. They are standing over there by the palm. Kissing."

Lee’s hand went to her mouth, "Oh wow. That is the most romantic thing. Making out in the rain. I bet they don’t even notice."

I shook my head, "Kissing in the rain. Amazing." I look over and Lee is crying. Nick has his arm around her. Now they’re dating and don’t know it too. "Umm, Lee? You ok there, babe? Just kissing."

She glared at me, "It took them forever to figure this out. They are perfect together. They’re not out there fucking, they’re just kissing. I am so fucking jealous."

Then Nick is hugging her and kissing her head. I turned back to watch the thunderstorm. Big ass lightning. All right, I have to admit that those two out there in the rain locked in a kiss and holding onto each other is yanking at my heart too. While I’m admitting things, they walked in looking happy. I like my friends to be happy. We’re in the studio this week. I’m looking forward to that more than ever now.  
Everyone headed downstairs and I caught Nick. I waited until they were out of the room, "What are you doing?"

"Going downstairs?"

"Lee?"

"I like her."

"No shit. Dump Pam move on. You watch yourself tonight, you have two girlfriends at this party."

Nick thought for a minute, "You’re right."

I opened the French doors, "Hey! You two. Woo hoo, hello. It’s a fucking thunderstorm. Come inside. You can have a room. We need a healthy Kevin in the studio."

They both looked up at me then started laughing. Tracie buried her head against his chest and he kissed her hair. Now that one got me.

I met them coming in the door, "You know, just go home. I love you both. If you’re finally figuring out you belong together you don’t need to be at a party. You need to be off figuring it out, or just enjoying each other. Bye." They looked at each other and smiled, then hugged me. "Fine now I’m all wet. And don’t think for a second I’m not gonna give you shit about this. I’m gonna give you a few days to talk it to death first. Go. Have fun storming the castle."


	48. Chapter 48

~*~Kevin~*~  
It would be fair to say that talking was the last thing on my mind. "Your place?"

"Yes, then I can get some clothes." 

I closed her door and walked around. "I like you in my clothes."

"I like my own underwear. Yours don’t fit."

"Is this your way of saying you don’t have on any?"

She ran her fingers through my hair, "Yes, Kevlyn."

Damned stick shift! Why did I get a manual transmission? I wanted my hand inside her . . . my pants, but no . . . have to shift. Is it really that bad to drive somewhere in second gear?

"Hurting, baby?"

"Just a little." I yanked at my shorts. Needed more room.

"I’m sorry."

I smiled at her, "You caused it." I probably shouldn’t have said that. Next thing I know her hand is between my legs rubbing up and down my length.

"I like that I caused it." Then she started laughing.

"What is so funny?"

She didn’t stop touching me, but kept laughing, "As soon as I said that, and heard myself I jumped back a week and thought about how ridiculous that sounded."

"Oh god, mmmm, don’t stop that." Felt way too good, "What do you mean?"

"I mean as just friends I would never say that and that’s what I thought. Clicked to your friend."

I started laughing too, "I understand. Please, don’t stop touching me." She reached her hand up the leg of my shorts and really began to work me. "Tracie, shit, you’re gonna make me cum."

"Concentrate on driving."

"Not possible." She didn’t stop. I held off until we got in her parking lot. As soon as I turned of the engine I slid the car seat back and stretched out a little. Wasn’t prepared for what came next. She leaned over, pulled my cock out of my shorts and sucked me. For about 10 seconds. I was a goner. Hands in her hair holding her to me. Cumming hard. I was leaning back into the seat and felt her climb in my lap. I heard her ass hit the horn too. My hands were on her breasts, "I haven’t gotten a blow job in a car since I was, I don’t know, seventeen."

"I haven’t given a blow job in a car since I was . . . well, never. Kinda fun." Laughing some more.

"I like being 17 again." I kissed her, leaving us both a little breathless, "Let’s go inside."

Once in the door I grabbed her, kissed her, and started pulling my clothes off her, "I don’t think you can be naked fast enough." I couldn’t get the knot out of the tank, so I pulled an AJ and ripped that sucker in too.

"Damn!" Tracie was dropping my shorts and yanking my shirt over my head.

"Want you now, Tracie. On your back and squirming with my head between your legs."

I get what I want.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Another night of little to no sleep. But oh so worth it. I’m still avoiding thinking. It’s not too hard, my body feels too good most of the time to have room to think.

I think we fell asleep around five. I woke up about noon. 

Ugh, it’s Sunday afternoon. Time to think. I kissed his chest and laid my head down. He rolled to his side and held me, "Five. No thinking until five. We’ll order some Mexican, drink some tequila, and talk then. Not yet."

"Ok, five. Wanna fool around?"

"Oh yeah."


	49. Chapter 49

~*~Tracie~*~  
"Kev, it’s five." I kissed his shoulder blade, "Time to get up."

He lifted his head from the mattress, "Ok, you go order. I’ll make drinks."

I leaned in and kissed him long and slow. I walked downstairs and found my phone book. I allowed my mind to think. It screamed not to let this end. I ordered the food, realized I didn’t even have to ask what he wanted. By the time I got into the family room there was a line of shots, lemons, and my shaker of salt. The radio was on the local pop station. Mindless fluff. Good choice. I was expecting a headache.

"Food will be here in forty five minutes."

"Good, I’m starving." He pushed a shot glass toward me, "Ladies first."

"Thank you, sir." I downed it. He followed. We assumed our places on the couch. I took a deep breathe, "Where do we start? Friendship?"

"Good place. Start easy. Your friendship is one of the most important things in the world to me. It’s right up there with my family, and the guys. I trust you with anything. I tell you everything, except that one thing I haven’t told anyone about. You know all this. At least I hope you do."

I smiled, "I do. I don’t know what I would do without you as my friend. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone like you, this close. That I depend so much on. Not in a sick dependent way, but I do need you."

"I need you too, Trace." We sat and just looked at each other for a few minutes. "Sex. I love sex. Again, there’s nothing I can tell you don’t already know. I can and do separate feelings from my body. Sex is a release when I’m on the road and it can be more. I’ve been with way too many women, most of which meant absolutely nothing to me. Oh, what you probably don’t know. I’ve only had two girlfriends that made it past the one month mark. The first was my high school girlfriend and after we slept together we pretty much broke up. Neither of us were ready for that. The other was Jessica and you know that sex wasn’t all that impressive. So I have no idea about relationship sex."

"I didn’t know that. I like sex too. Same thing, can separate. Depends on my mood. Sometimes the physical is enough, sometimes I know what I’m missing. I think relationship sex can change. Get better or worse. I love to kiss."

He interrupted me with a sly smile, "I never would have guessed."

"Shut up, it’s my turn. Relationship sex can become such a given that you forget about the other stuff. Kissing, hugging, foreplay. Kissing doesn’t always have to lead to sex. It can be too routine. You have to still work at it." Quiet again. I grabbed a shot. So did he. I went for it, "Sex with you is very good. I really hadn’t ever gone there. Which confuses me. I don’t know why I didn’t. Then that night when we kissed, since then I’ve found it hard to not think about it."

He laughed, "I know what you mean. Hell, I remember that night I looked down your shirt. Nice breasts then went on. Nothing. No reaction. Then after we kissed I nearly killed myself trying to remember how they looked. I didn’t think of you like that either, half the time I forgot you were a girl. A mistake I won’t be making again. You were just my friend."  
I crawled over into his arms and kissed him, "I can’t do this next part without you. These last two days have been the best sex I’ve ever had. You are attentive, you listen to what I say and what I don’t say, you ask what I want, what I like. You’re not self conscious about your body."

"That first night when you stood there in the bright light letting me look at you. Just beautiful." He kissed me. "I don’t know if it’s you’re that good, I’m that good, or we’re just that good together. I know that us being best friends has to impact that. I don’t trust right now, but I trust you. Period. Unconditionally. I don’t think I’ve ever had that before. I trusted Jessica, but it was different. There was never that friendship. I thought about this last week. If I would have been given a choice between sex with Jessica, or just hanging out with you . . . I can honestly say I would have chosen you. I trust you more. I don’t have to be on guard with you. I don’t have to be anything with you. Even now I feel that way."

"Do you think that if you could trust that we would have done this? Is this just about something over nothing. Filling some void."

He thought for a minute. I liked that. "No. If that was the case I’d have hooked up with you long ago. I’ve lived the last five years of my life without trust. I’m used to it. I’ve never had that when I’ve dated. It’s not that at all."

"I don’t know what happened to turn this. Maybe the right time And place. You know, walking on the beach was nothing. Then we’re kissing like it was a date. If that was a date we’ve been dating for a long time. That was no different than any other time we’ve gone out. Except the tongue part." 

The doorbell rang. Kevin went for the food, I got drinks. Shots weren’t gonna work.

He set out the food on the table. The two places closest to each other, not side by side, but angled. The placemats were squished together. We sat and our legs touched. I laid my foot over his. "I went over that a million times, nothing different. I don’t know what happened. I was cool after that. I could back off and not be anything more, be back to friends. Yes, there would be that kiss in there, but we could joke it off. No big deal. But something changed. AJ nailed me Friday. Asked how I would feel next time you showed up with a new lover. I said I could deal with it if it meant I got to keep you. Then he asked me how I would feel next time I showed up with a new lover and saw the same hurt in your eyes that he had just seen in mine. I couldn’t handle that. That’s when I came to find you. It was like something snapped and I suddenly knew that I wanted you. Wanted more. Screw the consequences, we’d figure it out."

I smiled, "I wondered what had happened. For me it was when you decked Michael. You were no longer my friend Kevin, you were a man. Then my mind went to all the other ways you were probably a man too, and I wanted more. When you were holding me as we danced. I thought if you didn’t kiss me I was gonna scream." I laughed.

We ate in silence a few minutes, then he looked over, "Do you realize that for the majority of this conversation it’s all been ‘we’. ‘We’ kissed, what ‘we’ did. Not you kissed me, what you did to me. It’s not about how you feel or how I feel, it’s been about how we feel."

"Yeah, it is." I didn’t know what to say. "Maybe this is what’s supposed to happen. Like fate. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. And I can’t see you and I having sex and it not being a relationship. We already have a relationship."  
"Oh god, the last thing I wanted was a relationship."

"Are you ready for that, Kevin? Your annulment isn’t even final."

He put down his fork, "I said ‘wanted’. Past tense. Tracie, I realize this wasn’t some conscious decision. And I know that my brain doesn’t always work so well when my dick is engaged, but I know I wouldn’t risk our friendship for a fuck. All last week I wasn’t thinking about what fucking you would be like. I was considering what a relationship with you would be like. If I was ready for that, if I wanted that, if that would be good for us. I knew that if we decided to try it would be more, how could it not be. I was scared to risk losing you forever. If we didn’t work out. God, did that make any sense?"

I smiled and put my hand over his, "Perfectly."


	50. Chapter 50

~*~Kevin~*~  
I pushed my plate away, "I’m done."

Tracie looked at hers, "Nope, not hungry."

I smiled, "Come on." I stood and took her hand. Both of us knew we were getting to the end of this conversation. I liked where it was going. So far I hadn’t heard anything that changed my mind. I sat down in her chair and pulled her into my lap. I had to kiss her. Slowly.

"I don’t know how to do this." She looked worried.

"Do what . . exactly."

"Go from friends to lovers. I don’t mean the physical part, obviously. I mean the day to day things. As friends we talk every day. As lovers do we do that?"

Time to define this all, "Tracie, what do you want? Do you know?"

She smiled and put her hand on my face. Damn, that felt good, all over my body. "I want you." That felt even better. "For my best friend and my lover. I want to keep you both, figure out how to be both without compromising either."

I smiled, "That’s what I want. I don’t want to lose you busting me or laughing at me. But I want to add the sex, or is that keep the sex?"

"I think it’s keep the sex." She laughed a little, "The sex is so good."

"I know." I pulled her to me for a hug, a big hug. “I don’t know how to do this either. Keep talking, I guess. So far so good."

"So far. We’ve been friends for so long I can’t imagine that it won’t be weird sometimes. Getting used to crossing that line."

I knew just what she meant. I’d felt it too. I used the back of my fingers to rub her breast, feeling as her nipple responded. I never broke eye contact with her, "Like now."

She shook her head, "Yes. God, Kevin as your friend I want to laugh and smack your hand. As your lover I want to beg you for more."

"We’re going to have to figure out how to blend the two. I want to try. I want you."

I waited for her answer, "I want you too. I think that we can make this work. We’ll laugh or fight our way through it."

"Past a month and I’m lost." I hated that.

"I’ll teach you."

That hurt. End of conversation. Time for kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. Nothing but kissing.  
I pulled back and looked at her, "I don’t want this to ever be all about sex. Too much time invested in us to let it be so little." I kissed her softly and felt a jolt or adrenaline. "Are we staying here or back to my house?"

"Your house. You have to be in the studio early."

"Pack a bag. I’m not sure when I’m letting you come home."

"I’m not sure when I’ll want to."


	51. Chapter 51

~*~Tracie~*~  
I went upstairs and Kevin cleaned up the kitchen. He’s much better at cleaning than I am. That can be his job. Oh shit, this is one of those times. I’m thinking about dividing up household chores. Too much. He’s gonna have to hire a maid. I pulled out a bag and felt this compulsion to shove everything I owned into it. Then I felt stupid and like I was jumping ahead. I had this feeling like some teenager. Yuck, I don’t do mushy. It makes me ill. I packed work clothes (swim suits), a few pairs of shorts, and tops. 

Kevin came upstairs as I was packing bathroom things. He sat down on the bed and looked in my bag, "Don’t forget a couple of nice dresses, mini skirts."

I peeked out of the bathroom. I could tell I was in friend mode, "Why would I need those things?"

He clearly wasn’t, "I want to take you out. Real date. When we both know it’s a real date."

I stopped breathing for a second then walked over to him, "That scared me."

He settled his hands on my hips, "What does, Tracie?"

"Real date.” I shook my head, “Hell, this is all scary."

"I know. But nothing different. We go out, we have fun, we hold hands, and talk about anything and nothing." He ran his hands along my back and kissed my stomach, "Then we go back to my house and you sleep over."

"Sleep over?" I was no longer in friend mode.

"Yeah, you can sleep in the guest room if you want."

"Guest room my ass." I ran my fingers through his hair and got rewarded with a nice sigh.

He pulled me down to kiss him, "I love your ass." He grabbed my ass and pulled me onto the bed, "There are things I want to do to that ass. Bad, bad things."

"I doubt that." I stretched out on top of him and kissed him. My tongue inside his mouth was wonderful. He is so warm and sweet. And uses his tongue well.

We rolled around for a bit, kissing and touching, "Trace, what are your limits?"

"Well, that was unexpected. I’m not big on limits. I am assuming you mean sexual."

He propped himself on his elbow and looked down at me, "Those would be the ones. Sex sex is good. Oral sex is beyond good."

I rubbed between his legs, "Glad you like it. Sorry you turned me down at your wedding?" I immediately felt bad for bringing that up and cringed.

"I was unaware of what I was turning down. And don’t be weird about that. You were my best man. Back to our conversation before I suffer blood loss to the brain. Anal sex?"

I smiled, "Too late on the blood loss thing. Yes on the anal sex. Wouldn’t it be better to tackle these issues as we’re doing them?"

"I like laying here talking. You stroking me feels very good." He kissed me.

"I thought I’d just keep this up, see how long you can last."

He stretched out a little and spread his legs with a sigh, "Umm, like that. Toys?"

"Top drawer of the nightstand."

I was quickly losing him, "Pack those. I don’t have toys. I think those are a girl thing."

"Yes, using the same vibrator on multiple women is gross. But you could have one for your own personal use."

He laughed, "What would I do with that?"

"Same sort of thing you’re plotting to do to me." I laughed, "You have an opening of sufficient size to accommodate a vibrator, Kev."

"I’ve heard that. Wouldn’t . . . oh god, good . . . know that from personal experience."

"Really? Ummm, trust me?" I knew that if I could get him to loosen up and try it he would love it. That was something I had learned in college and found to be a great extra. It wasn’t something I did with just anyone. Like with anal sex it required some preparation and I’m not into touching or being touched that intimately by someone I don’t know pretty well. Even with protection. Not happening.

"Stupid question. I’m not opposed to trying. I’ve been told it’s a real sensitive area and feels great. Have to be in the right mood though. It will come as no surprise to you that I’m a bit . . . anal retentive."

We both laughed. His laughed turned to a groan. I laid on top of him, "I’ll speed this up, because I’m about to lose you. Anal is fine. Toys are fine. You can tie me up. A little pain at the exact right moment is good. Not into whips and chains. Not into real pain, hot wax, shocking. Been there done that didn’t like. Food is fine. Not big on blindfolds. Like to know what’s going on. That control thing. Very closely related to anal retentive."

"I would never guess. I do like hot wax though. Blindfolds are great. Trust me?"

I kissed him an answer, "I think I’m gonna go down on you now. If you’re ok with that?"

"That would be just fine with me." I smiled at him as I moved down his body. I took him in my mouth and heard, "Damn fine with me."

As soon as he came I moved under his balls and stuck the tip of my tongue against his anus. Wiggled against him a little bit then quickly moved to lay beside him. He was wide eyed staring at me. I smiled, "Yes?"

"Sneak attack on my ass?"

"You said you weren’t opposed, just had to be in the mood. I thought having just cum would be a good mood. Yes or no?"

"Yes. Let’s get back to my place and settle in for the night."

I smiled and kissed him, "You need to pull up your pants then." I crawled off the bed and left a quick kiss on his dick before throwing the rest of my things, including a few nice dresses and mini skirts in the bag.

"I’ll carry. Let’s go." Kevin picked up my bags and took my hand. We walked out of the apartment and drove back to his house.


	52. Chapter 52

~*~AJ~*~  
Ah, everyone is on time. Even Kevin. Kevin is never on time, "Why are you here?"

He narrowed his eyes, "Am I no longer in the group?"

Brian caught on, "You’re never on time. And . . . I’m betting that you were not alone this morning."

"Or last night", Nick added.

"Or the night before", Howie laughed.

Kevin looked at me, "Your turn."

I shook my head, "No way. I promised myself to give you two a week before I started ragging on you. At least 3 days."

"Why thank you." Sarcasm I recognize.

Brian and Nick laughed, "I didn’t make this promise."

Howie was rubbing his hands together, "So you and Tracie are knocking boots?"

Kevin rolled his eyes, "Knocking boots? Do people actually use this phrase?"

"Fine, whatever you call it."

"Guys, this isn’t some girl I met at a party and hooked up with. Tracie has been my friend . . . our friend for a long time now. And it feels wrong to me to sit here and say, "Yeah, guys we fucked all night, whoa let me tell you the things that body can do!""

We all looked at him. He always talked, we all always talked. We knew the details about each others sex lives with a new woman or a one stand before we knew the girl’s name. But here sat Kevin, the one who loves to brag and be the center of attention, saying he wasn’t going to talk trash on Tracie. Time to test another theory, "You talked about Jessica."

"Jessica started as a casual thing that became more. Tracie has always been more. I’m not gonna sit here and make it less, make us less by making it all about sex. It’s never been about sex and just because now we’re having sex it’s not all about sex. This isn’t some casual thing."

I liked that answer, "So you’re a couple?"

He thought about that and grinned, "We haven’t labeled it, but yeah. This is important to both of us. That we figure out how to do this. It’s hard and it’s weird as hell to cross that friendship line. Freaks both of us out."

Nick was listening very closely, "What do you mean freaks you out? What freaks you out?"

I think that Kevin understood that Nick was legitimately asking for information for himself and not being an ass. Kevin was wringing his hands, "Like . . . Tracie and I sleep together all the time. No big deal. We wake up and start talking, fix breakfast . . . whatever. But Tracie and I do not wake up together naked." He laughed, "Until recently anyway. I had no idea what to say or do in the morning. I was freaking. What the hell had we done? Friends don’t do this, we’re friends. We’re used to being friends and doing friend things. We’re not used to doing lover things."

Nick asked again, "What did you do . . . in the morning?"

"Nothing. I couldn’t do anything. Tracie said we weren’t gonna talk about it until Sunday. We were just gonna enjoy it. That killed the weird and we got back to normal."

"So you didn’t know what to do and she did?"

"Yep. Then later when we were talking, neither of us knew what to do, so we kept talking and came up with something. If that doesn’t work we’ll try something else."

Nick shook his head, "Pam and I can’t get that far. It stalls out."

I looked over, "Because you guys aren’t friends. They already know how to be friends, they’re doing the same things with different topics."

Brian punched Nick in the arm, "Words of wisdom from The Bone" and laughed. They all laughed.

Except Kevin. He looked at me, nodded, and smiled.

~*~Kevin~*~  
We got to work, but weren’t very productive. I couldn’t stop thinking about what AJ had said. He was right. Nick was distracted. He and Pam weren’t friends, never had been. AJ was basking in the glory of being useful. Brian and Howie were reacting to the others of us not being into it.

We got frustrated. We picked at each other. We argued. I suggested that we call it a day about three. Howie mouthed off, "You just want to get to Tracie, and "not" fuck."

I blew, "Bullshit! No one is focused. No one. Three days ago you never would have said that shit. It wouldn’t have been an issue. It’s still not. Nothing has changed. Sleeping together doesn’t suddenly make us inseparable. That’s exactly what we don’t want. We don’t want to change us."

I walked out and went home. I cleaned. I organized. I fumed. I settled into the couch, turned on some music, and grabbed a beer. Tracie came in and I yelled, "I’m in the family room."

She came into the room and sat down next to me. I felt her fingers run through my hair and settle on my neck. I liked that. She looked at me, "You’ve been cleaning, what’s wrong?"

I tilted my head and looked at her, "How do you know that?"

"You clean when you’re stressed."

"No, how do you know I’ve been cleaning."

She sniffed the air, "I can smell it."

I laughed, "You’re good." I sighed, "No one was focused today. We all got bitchy. I snapped at Howie and left. I had suggested we stop and he said it was to get to you. You had nothing to do with it."

Her fingers were tickling my neck, not distracting me, but calming me, "I hope not."

"Tracie, that’s exactly what we talked about not wanting to happen. Two days in and he thinks it’s all about us, all about you."

She was smiling at me. Her smile when right down my spine. "Sure. We have to figure out how to relate as lovers and our friends have to figure out how to relate to us as lovers. Howie was trying to figure out the new rules."

I was pissed again, "There are no god damned new rules."

Her fingers were in my hair again, "Of course there are, baby. We’re using the word us and it means something different. If we’re hanging out for the weekend one of them drops by they’ve got a 50/50 shot at us laughing and talking or us having sex. That’s different."

I almost smiled, "Seventy five percent. It’s new."

She crawled into my lap, "See? The same things that we talk about freaking us out, are things our friends are gonna have to get used too. Us sneaking outside to kiss. I guess that anyway we slice it, some things have changed."

I’d become a little distracted and didn’t care so much about Howie anymore. "I like you sitting in my lap."

She kissed me, "I do to. I’ve sat in your lap hundreds of times before. But three days ago your dick didn’t get hard when I did. And a stupid drunken nickname, calling you Kevlyn now . . ."

"Makes me want to make you say it the way I really like hearing it." I kissed her. Not nearly as innocently as she kissed me. "You called me baby."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did. I felt it."

"I’m so very sorry."

I laughed, "You’re making fun of me?"

"Definitely."

"Good, I don’t ever want to lose that." I brushed her hair over her shoulder, "I’m sorry. First day you come here after work and I’m freaking out."

"No worries. I’ll freak out later."

She buried her head against my neck. She smelled like suntan oil, Hawaiian Tropic, and her skin glistened. I ran my finger from her shoulder to her hand then laced my fingers with hers, "Do you always smell like this after work?"

"Sweaty?"

I kissed her neck feeling very turned on, "No, coconuty. Maybe mixed with sweat. But I like it. Tastes good too."

She turned around to straddle my lap, "Yes, always after work." She pulled my shirt over my head and I did the same to her. I lifted her bathing suit top over her breasts and squeezed them. I used my tongue to taste her nipples before sucking her. I love to suck her breasts. She loves it. That makes me love it more. Her hands felt all over my shoulders and back, then into my hair. ‘God, Kevin. I like coming home to this. Feels so damn good."

"I can make it feel better." I felt her body shake and laughed.

"You gotta stop that. I don’t know how to react."

I knew she was kidding about the stop part, but not the rest. I slid my hand inside the front of her pants then my finger inside her, "Trace, it feels like your body know just how to react. So wet, baby. I want inside you. You go ahead and freak out, I’ll be ok and take care of it all." I laid her down on the couch, and peeled off her shorts as she got rid of her top. I threw my shorts across the room. "I’ll make it all better."

Her fingernails raked down my chest and wrapped around my cock, "I need to find a way to get the upper hand and keep you from being in charge all the time. You’re killing me."

I slid inside her, "Tracie, you have much more control over me than you think." I think maybe she had for a while. As my friend I wanted her to be proud of me. I need that. As my lover I want to please her. Me taking control of the sex is one way to do that, but she’s very much in control. 

I wonder what it would take for both of us to lose it?


	53. Chapter 53

~*~Howie~*~  
I wasn’t looking forward to more studio time. AJ had jumped my shit once Kevin left. I was just kidding. I swear crossing one of them has always been like crossing both of them. It’s not like either of them needs a protector. Nick chimed in reminding me that this has been going on for a long time and to back off. This is a switch. I’m the bad guy. 

Kevin was his typical late, "Now that’s the Kevin I know and love."

He laughed and hugged me, "Sorry I went off on you."

"I’m sorry I was fucking with you. I don’t want to hear details about Tracie. That is wrong." I had thought about that, and it was too far for me.

"I need to chill out. It’s still so new and weird as hell. Keep teasing. I’ll be fine."

It was a much better day. We got things done, and got some songs at least partly written. Jive was arranging for us to hook up with some writers and producers in a couple of weeks to polish things up. I liked what we were doing. It was us. That’s good.

~*~AJ~*~  
Sweet harmony. Kevin and Howie kissed and made up and the next few days went good. Kevin came after me a few days in and wanted to go get lunch and talk. We headed off to a Mexican place and ordered tequila. I laughed, "Am I released from my promise? It’s been almost a week."

"Yes, you may rag on my ass now." He rolled his eyes.

"You are such a dumb ass. I have been watching this for months. We have been plotting on how to get you two to see what all of us saw. You have been all over her. I wish you could have seen you two. It was priceless. Holding hands, hugging, sleeping on the couch, the way you would watch her ass when she walked by."

"Dammit! I swear I do not remember watching her ass. Ever. Ok, maybe when we all first met, but not in a long time."

"I think it’s pretty damned impressive that you won’t talk about the sex with all of us, but you can’t even admit to doing some ass watching. That’s not disrespectful." I was rolling. He was lost as shit.

"I’d admit it if I remembered it. The first time I remember watching her ass was in that damned dress Friday night. I let her go in front of me when I picked her up. Big mistake." He closed his eyes, "She had nothing on under that dress."

"Of course not. The lines where too smooth."

"You knew?"

"Kevin, I admit that I watch her ass. I always check out her ass, her boobs. All of it. She’s hot. Always has been. I look. Hell, I think about how she must be in bed." I got right in his face, "Even now that you’re fucking her."

"Don’t be jacking off to fantasies about my woman!" We laughed for a long time, "It is good. Everything. The sex is amazing. I can remember a long time ago joking with her that we were too much alike sexual. Both of us into it, both of us sluts. Although she’s far behind me."

"That would be you. I bet it’s a little different with you two hooking up. I bet you’re not quite as selfish."

"Don’t have to be, she makes sure I get mine. I make sure she gets hers. It’s more a battle over who can kill the other better and faster, or slower." He pulled out his phone, "Hey, what time will you be home? Good, I’m gonna cook. Later, baby."

"You called her baby. How couple of you?"

"Shut up.” He downed a shot of tequila around a big smile. “What you said Monday was dead on by the way, about us being friends with different topics."

I repeated his action and smile, "I love being right. Nick and Pam will never make it. He’s finally seeing that. I think that’s why he was asking all those questions. I think he’s got a replacement in mind."

"Lee?"

"If it takes them as long as it did you guys I’ll fucking kill him."

He put down his fajita, "Serious for a minute?"

I stopped eating, "Sure."

"It is sometimes very strange having sex with my best friend. It’s like we’ve jumped into the middle. There’s no dating and getting to know each other. She knows me better than almost anyone. It’s like we’ve been dating for a long time without sex. All those sex things I do seem fake with her. Can’t use the old moves. I’m winging this. There’s no seducing, she isn’t impressed with who I am, she was my best man. It’s all very real. No lines. I know that she would laugh her ass off at me."

I was laughing, "She definitely would. I guess that is a disadvantage of being friends first."

"It’s not a problem. It’s different. Maybe easier. If I want to know something I can just ask and she just tells me. If we’re feeling weird we talk. None of that gamey guessing shit. You know how I hate games. But, Aje, it does get really weird sometimes." He took a bite needing a second.

"What gets weird? I understand if you don’t want to say."

"Na, I can’t talk about this with everyone. Trace and I have talked. I need a guys opinion. I don’t even know how to explain this. I’ve operated for over a year with her as my best friend and I will agree that hasn’t changed . . . but hearing her moaning and saying my name as I go down on her is fucked up." He had gotten louder and faster as he said that last part and ended up laughing hard.

I joined him, "I bet it is. I hadn’t really thought of that."

"I’ve seen her just one way for so long and now when I see her differently it’s hard to put the two together. I’ve looked into her eyes hundreds of times, and never noticed how blue they are, and never more that when she’s looking at me as we fuck. It’s like she’s someone brand new, then I realize she’s not. She’s having the same problem. That and neither of us wanting to lose what we’ve always been. How do you move from one to the other and make it normal?"

I understood this, "Your girlfriend rules don’t apply to Tracie."

Another light went off, "Jesus! That’s it exactly. Tracie has always had 24 hour access to me, no limits anywhere. No girlfriend has ever had that."

"Yep, girlfriends are asked out on dates, Tracie hangs out. Girlfriends are kept quiet, Tracie is part of the group. Girlfriends don’t get a say, have their place, Tracie is in on everything. Hell, I don’t think any of us have had a girlfriend with access the way Tracie does. The way other women friends have. So does she back up and go by girlfriend rules or do you deal with an all access girlfriend?"

"You’re kidding right? I sure as hell don’t see Tracie backing off, and you know, I don’t want her too. I’ve always wanted her around all the time why would that change? It’s not like she’s gonna start being like Pam. I can’t imagine her being a clingy suck of a girlfriend. Thank you, J, this is exactly what I needed. To figure it out."

"You gonna tell her all about it?"

He smiled, "Of course. I still tell her everything. I don’t know how this will work, but we’ll make it work. I want this to work."

"Scared?"  
"Hell yes, and excited, and happy."

"In love?"

"What?"

I knew that would get him, "I know that you love her. We all love her. But are you in love with her?"

He was speechless for several minutes, "I don’t know. I haven’t been in love in ages."

"That’s sad. Think about it, you didn’t see that you wanted her. Open your eyes and see what else is there. I know that you have always been happier when she’s been around. I’ve never seen you goofy in love. Even if you’re not in love with her now you’ll go down fast, you two are too close. Are you ready for that? Your annulment isn’t final."

"I know. I don’t think that I could have started this if I wasn’t ready. I want her like I’ve wanted no one else. Ever."

I was both surprised and not. "Glad to hear that. We gotta get back."


	54. Chapter 54

~*~Kevin~*~  
I got home and started getting dinner ready. Threw the potatoes in the oven, got the salad ready, and put in a couple of steaks to marinade. I took a shower and changed into shorts and a tank. It’s hot. Tracie got home right when she said she would and I met her at the door, "There you are." I hugged her tight and kissed her deeply.

"Wow, what did I do to deserve that greeting?"

"Make up for me being such a bitch the other day. It was your first day coming back here to me and I was in a shitty mood. I’m sorry."

She kissed me and played in my hair, "It’s fine. I didn’t take it personal."

I pulled her into my lap on the couch, "It isn’t fine. If you were a new girl I was seeing I would never do that. Jump as soon as you get here. I’d chill and just enjoy being with you, push the bullshit aside. AJ and I talked about this today. The girlfriend rules don’t apply. Some of that is good, but some is bad."

"Kev, I think you being able to bitch without me taking it personal is good."

"Yeah, but it’s takes away from the fact that I am very happy with you coming home to me, or me coming home to you. Knowing that I’m going to see you." I held her close.

"I like that too."

This was one of those bad things. I felt very vulnerable where if she was a new date I wouldn’t. She already meant the world to me. "Even right now, having said that I feel stupid."

She ran her fingers through my hair, "Baby, why?"

"I’m always glad to see you, but this is glad to see you in a different way. I don’t want you thinking it’s some line, because I wouldn’t do that to you. I don’t know how to talk to you as a girlfriend without it sounding like bullshit because you’re already my friend. I was getting shit ready for dinner and thinking how I wanted it to be a nice romantic dinner, candles, music, all that." I noticed her smiling, "Then I get hit with feeling like that would look fake and be stupid. We don’t do that. That is what I do with a girlfriend. You know I’m sucker for romantic shit. Oh god, I swear this is gonna make my head explode."

She had the softest look on her face, "We’ve jumped right into the middle of a well working relationship, haven’t we? We do all those things that couples do except the romantic stuff. Now we’re trying to do that."

"Yep." I let out a big sigh, "It’s fine, then it’s hard, then I feel like an idiot."

"Would it help to know that when you said you wanted to make this a romantic dinner I felt really good?" I nodded my head. "I guess we’re so far in we missed those little things like trying to impress each other. All those dating lines and romance. I know when I’m being fed a bullshit line, sometimes I just choose to believe it. If you tell me I look nice, or that you’re glad to see me, or that I smell good I believe you. You don’t have to tell me those things so I know that you’re a nice guy and worth going out with or to try and fuck me. I already know that you’re a nice guy."

That seemed to call for a kiss. It gets so confusing. I get screwed up because we’re friends then seem to forget that because we’re friends we can talk about this and it’s not a big deal. And that we’ll work it out. Neither of us is hung up on sex where it would change everything, but it sure feels like it would. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe sex does change everything. Binds us together. "Trace, you are everything I looked for in a date. Beautiful, smart, funny, won’t take my shit, and you have your own life. You don’t have to be with me, but I want you to want to be with me."

"Kevin, believe it or not I am very much a girl."

"I know that." I smirked, I could feel it.

"I mean I like to be romanced. I like candlelight dinners, and moonlight walks, and flowers. I don’t date men who aren’t good to me. I like to do things for the men I date too, to take care of them." She stopped and stared at me, eyes wide, "Damn, Kevin! That’s it." She got up and started walking around the room waving her arms as she talked. I sat and watched, this was new. I wasn’t sure what was going on. Reminded me a little of that ridiculous fight we had that ended with me declaring that balls itched. "Last weekend we went on a walk on the beach in the moonlight. A romantic walk. We’ve done all sorts of things together, but we’ve never walked on a beach holding hands. That’s it. That crossed the line and made me look at you differently. You’re my friend who I love more than anything, but we don’t do romantic shit. We hadn’t. That’s the only difference between us as friends and us now."

"Tracie, we’ve talked about this." I didn’t get how this was an epiphany, this is what we’d been talking about for days.

"I know, but that’s it. I didn’t know what did it. Why I went from not seeing you as a friend to seeing you as a lover. It was that moment."

She was still pacing and flailing her arms when I got up and wrapped my arms around her, "Knowing how this happened is really important to you."

"It’s not to you?"

"I’m just glad it did. Maybe we’re thinking to much."

She laughed, "No way, not us."

"Yeah, right. We keep looking at how things are so different. They’re not so different. We’re still friends. Maybe the only real difference is in feelings. And that is the one thing we haven’t talked about. We talk about the words and all that, but not the feelings. When I first date someone it’s all about feelings. I’m not thinking about every thing. It’s about if I feel good, if I trust her, if I think I make her feel good, if we have fun. Except for making out and having sex we are doing exactly the same things, but the feelings are changing. Changing isn’t the right word . . . growing. I still feel like you’re my friend and there’s more there."

She understood, of course, "This is just something else we do, not changing everything else. We’re leaving the friendship intact, we’re just adding in romantic walks, and holding each other, and candlelight."

"One more thing we do together."

She laid her head on my chest, "That’s feels good. Hell, this all feels good. Does it freak you out to hear that? I know feeling stuff to early wigs me out."

"Trace, we’ve been at this for over a year. How can that be too early? And no, baby, it doesn’t freak me out. I like it. I’ve always wanted to make you smile. I’ve always wanted you to be proud of me. I’ve always wanted . . . you. I just didn’t know it." We held each other for a while longer. "Why don’t you go upstairs and change while I put the steaks on."

"Ok, I’ll be down in a minute."

I smiled as she walked away. We may have hit the key. Not so much the things, but the feelings. That made me think of what AJ had asked, was I in love with her. If I wasn’t I was falling fast. Those last things I said to her had me feeling content, excited, and warm all over. I think that’s what falling in love feels like.


	55. Chapter 55

~*~Tracie~*~  
It was important for me to know when and how this happened. How do things change like that over night? I felt this relief. I completely saw him as a friend until we did that one romantic thing. Hell, maybe we’d done romantic things before, but this one clicked. First time we’d both been single. I took a quick shower and changed into a pair of shorts and one of his UK shirts. I walked back downstairs and felt very different. It was like I wasn’t having to work so hard at making the two Kevin’s into one. They were one, just with added features.

I saw him pulling the steaks off the grill and I checked the potatoes. He came in the door, "No, I get to do this." He put the plate down and turned around, "Wow, you look . . . oh . . . beautiful. Umm, beautiful."

I pushed him away, "Dinner first. Admire me later."

He smiled, "Yes, ma’am. Wine?"

"Thank you."

Dinner was great. I’m not sure I tasted a damn thing.

~*~Lee~*~  
Meeting Tracie for lunch today. I picked up some bagel sandwiches and headed over to the club. She was kicked back in the chair watching the kids. When she saw me she jumped up and hugged me. I put the stuff down, "You seem to be in a good mood."

"I am in a fantastic mood, thank you very much."

I sat down, "What happened?"

"We figured it out! How our ‘we’ changed. We still get to keep the friendship and just add on to it. Not change it just let it grow."

"Halleluja.! If I had to go to one more party and watch you two not be together I was gonna hurt you. Not really, but you needed to see what was right in front of you. When you two describe your perfect partner you describe each other."

"Why didn’t you tell me this?"

"I tried to point you there, AJ was working on Kevin. Then he went and married Jessica and everything got screwed up." That whole thing still pissed me off. "So, any details you wanna share?"

"I don’t know if he’s that good, or we’re that good. But it’s damn good." She laughed.

"Who gives a shit just enjoy it! Stop thinking so much and just have fun. You both think too damn much."

She threw a potato chip at me, "We decided that too." She got serious and looked over, "You know, it feels really good. I’ve never been one to walk around worrying if a man likes me, but there is still that anxiety and newness and waiting to see his reaction when you’re getting to know each other. We don’t really have that except for the sex and figuring out the couple shit."

"What couple shit?"

"Calling, hugging, kissing. How much is too much?"

I rolled my eyes, "Get over it. You’re still working on that friend vs girlfriend thing. It’s not the same at all. You called all the time, dropped in unannounced, hugged, and kissed whenever, why would it be different now? Everyone plays that game not to crowd, not to smother, to give space. You two are way past that. You guys decided long ago that two inches is enough. If he needs space he’ll tell you, and you’ll do the same. I hope to hell that you two have enough sense to never forget the friendship came first and the friendship is the most important part. Sex and passion come and go. Friendship will hold you together. And Tracie . . . you two belong together. You can see it your eyes. You know all of that, you just need to hear it. Stop thinking just cause your in his bed you need to give him space out of it. Trust me, he doesn’t want it."

"Thank you. I do know that. I get pulled into all the new feelings. Notice I didn’t say different? They’re wonderful and new and wonderful."

"You in love with him?" Why not? We’d come this far.

She sighed, "Maybe. I’ve loved him for a long time. He’s a great guy and a great friend. He’s no where near perfect, but his faults amuse the hell out of me, or they piss me off and I dig him about them. Loving my friend isn’t the same as being in love with the man. It’s different."

"Hormonal. Falling in love is hormonal. Increase in pleasure chemicals in the brain. Are you feeling an increase in pleasure chemicals?"

She looked at me like I’d sprouted another head, "You make it sound so romantic."

"Sorry, just a biological reaction. The hormones wear off in nine to fifteen months, just after the wedding. Then it’s the friendship that makes it last. Neither of us are so naïve to believe in that romantic bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I love romance, I want romance, but I know it’s just the cover for basic biology. Remembering that makes it easier when the romance comes and goes, and makes it easier to get it back. Realize how it works and go with that, it’s not always personal." Sounds kind of harsh, but that’s what I think. I love all the romance stuff, but I chose to believe it. Getting swept away is unrealistic and will always end badly. When the hormones fade.

"Are we really that cynical? I don’t want to be that cynical. This feels good, I want it to keep feeling good."

"It’s not cynical, it’s realistic. It should feel good. Then it will feel bad. Constant moonlight and roses is bullshit. The world doesn’t work that way. You work at making it feel good and it will, you expect it to be easy and it dies. Just ask Nick."

"I worry about Nick. Pam is such a bitch. She can do nothing but whine, and suck all the life out of Nick. He needs some happy."

"Perfect example though. Pam expects it be easy and perfect. If it’s not then something’s wrong. Bullshit, he’s 21. His hormones are gonna kick in when he sees a hot girl. He’s gonna flirt and have fun. That doesn’t mean he acts on them, and it doesn’t mean his hormones don’t react for her. Without hormonal reactions life would suck. So he gets turned on by some cutey then takes it out on her, who cares. As long as she’s getting him why does it matter where it started?"

Tracie was nodding her head, "Exactly. Michael used to strip clubs with other politicos and come home all revved up. I never gave a shit. She turned him on and I got laid. Now if that was all the time or if he would have tried to make me fit that mold it would have been a problem, but he didn’t. Look, but don’t touch. Bring it on home to me."

"This is why you and Kevin get along. You’re both realistic."

"We’re both pigs. We established that fact long ago."

"I wasn’t gonna say that. I’m a pig too."

We laughed and talked for hours. Her cell rang. I knew within five seconds that it was Kevin. The guys were under some time pressure and were on a roll, he was gonnna be late. More like eight instead of five.

I smiled at their conversation, "Trace, that is why you guys work."

"What?"

"You have to admit that his life is crazy and difficult to deal with."

"Sure, but that’s just the way it is. It’s not like he’s choosing work over me. It’s not personal. I believe that he wants to be with me, making him feel guilty won’t help anything, just make him feel bad."

"Right, but think of others who never got that. Jessica never got that. Being friends with you didn’t have to take away from her. She put the wedge in there. Pam doesn’t get that and her bitching and whining are driving Nick away."

"Nick is gone within the month. Pam’s not gonna change. Too much baggage. Nick has started seeing it. Once you can see it’s hard to be blind again."

"Amen"

I loved this. I love girl talk. Nothing we talked about today was anything new. These theories. I wanted to make sure she remembered them. So she would remind herself of how good she and Kevin were.


	56. Chapter 56

~*~Tracie~*~  
Ah, the life of the girlfriend of a pop star. He’s been busy. No time for me and I’m new. **Sniff** Just kidding. If I ever become a whimpering sniveling girlfriend I hope to God that one of my friends will kick my ass. Hell, he’ll kick my ass. I’ll kick my ass? Someone, please. I don’t take it personal. I get done with work, go by my place and do some stuff then head over to Casa De Kevin. I beat him there, he beats me. We talk, laugh, have sex, sleep. Very good.

"I will be late. Again."

I could hear the irritation in his voice and laughed, "Of course you will."

"Three days in a row."

"Part of it."

"You’re not upset?"

"Did you forget who you’re talking to?"

"I’m in awe that we are still us and this is nothing. Happily in awe. But I am pouting that I haven’t gotten to see much of you."

I love it when he clicks into boyfriend Kevin, "You saw a lot of me last night."

"You know what I mean." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I do. How has today gone?"

"Shitty. We’re all tight. Three days of over 12 hour days make Backstreet Boys very grumpy. Today it’s been sit on our asses. My shoulders hurt, my back hurts, my ass hurts."

I visualized the parts as he said them, "Want a massage when you get home?"

Perked up, "Oh yeah! Love one. How is your day?"

"It’s overcast. I like that. Not quite as hot. I haven’t felt the need to drown any children today either. Only one lecherous man who felt the need to get a little to close to me." I laughed as I remembered him.

"No touching. I am the only lecherous man who can get close."

"I like you close."

"I like you close, too. I will see you as soon as I can."

"Ok, I’ll be home."

Can I sigh here? I like talking to him. I’ve always liked talking to him, but I really like it now. It’s great to have someone who covers all the bases and meets all my needs. I don’t mean that in a sick way where he’s all I need. I mean that friend, confidant, lover, emotional, and physical way.

After work I headed to the grocery to get stuff for dinner. I’m in a cooking mood. I am also in the mood to do something nice for Kevin.

~*~Kevin~*~  
The day didn’t get better. Until I got home. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure that it was my house when I walked in. Candles lit the house, sultry jazz filled my ears, and it smelled amazing. Now all I needed was something to look at. Where is Tracie? I was laughing when she came down the stairs.

"What is so funny, stud muffin?"

I stopped laughing. She had on this hot pink tank style negligee and my mouth was watering, "Nothing now, sex kitten." I know, cheesy as shit, but it was an impulse. I met her at the foot of the stairs and took her in my arms, "I am so glad to be home. To see you. Not in that order."

I laid my mouth against hers and felt her respond in my arms. Her body tensing just a little until she got right up next to me then she relaxed into me. It was like being too far away made her uncomfortable. I know it made me uncomfortable. I wanted to be touching her whenever she was around. Even if it was just my leg lying against hers as we sat at the table. Thinking back it had always been that way. I can’t remember a time when she and I weren’t touching. Kissing her was the best. The way her tongue caressed mine was enough, but sent me to the place where there was more.

She pulled away from me, "I need to go check dinner."

I held on, "What smells so good? Besides you."

"Go change and come see." 

I changed into shorts, no shirt and found her in the kitchen. 

She looked at me, "No fair."

"Do you think that negligee is fair? I don’t. Going up stairs with a hard on is not easy."

"Learn control."

"Not even gonna try." I wrapped my arms around her as I stood behind her, "The phenomenon of getting hard when I see you is something I like way to much to stop." I sucked along her neck, reveled in the feel of her body collapsing into mine, and her nipples coming to a peak as I touched them.

"Kevin, why don’t you pour the wine and I’ll bring dinner in."

"Good one, act like you don’t notice. I know better." 

I saw her smile as I walked away.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Of course I noticed. But dammit! I am in control tonight. I took our plates in and sat them down while he pulled out my chair for me. We talked quietly as we ate. Kevin told me that in a few weeks they had to go to California for a few days to work with some producers. He wasn’t sure of time lines yet, but they needed to get the stuff they had out to them soon. They would take the next couple of days to finalize it then ship it off. The producers would listen and then get back to them about when to head out.

We finished eating and took our wine glasses to the family room. He looked so good. The summer was good to him and his skin was so tan. I loved how his shorts hung low on his hips and I could barely see the beginning of one of his tattoos. He stretched out on the couch and I sat beside him. His eyes were closed and I took a few seconds to take in all of him before reaching out to touch that tattoo, "Remember when you got this?"

"Yup, hurt like a mother fucker. I do love them though."

I pulled down his shorts to see all of the "pleasure" one. I bent to kiss the middle of it. "I do to. Very sexy."

"Thank you. Dinner was wonderful. I didn’t know you were such a good cook."

"I love to cook."

"Yeah, but I never tasted . . . your cooking." He had an evil smile.

"Now that you’ve tasted . . . my cooking, what do you think?"

I drew little designs on his chest as he talked, "Great presentation. Made my mouth water. Hot. Perfect combination of spices and textures. I liked the variety of side dishes."

I leaned over and licked at his nipple, "Side dishes are important, don’t you think?"

His hand was in my hair, "Definitely."

I kissed his lips, "Ready for your massage."

"Are we still talking metaphorically?"

"Yes."

"I am ready for my massage."


	57. Chapter 57

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie took my hand and led me upstairs. She lit the candles as I stood there watching with my arms crossed across my chest, "I like to watch you move." She turned and smiled at me. "I like the way that your clothes seem to float on you, and the way your hair falls across your shoulders. It turns me on."  
She put her arms around me and I leaned into her, "You turn me on." 

She kissed across my collarbone and up to my ear, "I like that I turn you on."

One thing I truly loved about us. A compliment didn’t need to be matched. She could just accept it and move on. "Tracie . . ." She was sucking on my earlobe.

"Yes . . . stud muffin?"

I laughed, "I forgot what I was going to say." She rubbed between my legs, "Is that supposed to help me remember, because it ain’t gonnna work . . . sex kitten."

"Oh, I’m so sorry. Don’t move."

I obeyed and soon felt the coolness of silk across my eyes, "What is that for? Not that I mind."

"If you can’t see your other senses are heightened. That’s a good way to get a massage."

She put her hands on my waist and guided me to the bed. I didn’t hesitate because I trusted her completely, "May I please have more than just a massage?"

"I was thinking a full body massage. Maybe a little added attention to some parts."

"Producing an orgasm?"

"You’re awfully greedy tonight." She pushed me gently back on the bed and I laid down, "If you’re a good boy."

"I promise, sex kitten."

"Ok, now that’s not being good, stud muffin."

"How bout just kitten?"

"Only if I get to purr."

"If I make you purr I can call you kitten?"

"Lay down."

"You’re ignoring me."

She smacked my hip, "I’m planning on molesting you, now shut the fuck up and lay down."

"Yes, ma’am. Front or back?" This is some fun sex and she hasn’t even touched me.

"Front, please." I did as she asked.

I felt her pulling my shorts and lifted my hips for her. I wanted those off anyway. I heard some noise then felt her climb on the bed and sit on my ass. I could feel the warmth of her through her panties. She was right, every other sense was heightened and I liked not knowing what was coming. Her hands began at my shoulders and kneaded those muscles with a warm lotion, smelled like vanilla. I heard myself moan and was rewarded with a kiss between my shoulder blades. "Tracie, that feels great."

She said a quiet, "Thank you."

Her hands dug into those muscles and worked out knots I didn’t even know I had. It was a good long time before she moved on to my back. I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress. I know I wasn’t really, but I was getting so relaxed. I could barely speak. I was at that relaxation point where you can move, but you just don’t see why you would want to. I moaned again as she hit a spot in my lower back that seemed to send a wave of pleasure right up my spine, "There . . . oh god . . that feels incredible."

"Right there?"

"Oh yes!" I drew the s out for a long while. I buried my head in the pillow when I felt her tongue running over that same spot and her teeth nipping at me. "This is definitely more than a massage. If I die right now I’d be happy."

"Give me another thirty minutes."

I laughed, "I don’t know if I can last another thirty minutes."

"I’ll make you. Beside I didn’t say you had to last another thirty minutes. Just to give me another thirty minutes. Don’t ask, just enjoy."

"You got it." I sunk into the feeling even more. I felt her hands on my ass. This was new, "I’ve never had my ass massaged before."

"Kevlyn, I think your ass has been grossly neglected. You have a beautiful ass."

"I don’t have an ass." I would have laughed but it would have taken to much energy.

"AJ doesn’t have an ass. You have sweet little round butt. Not as round as Nick’s, but holding it’s own very nicely from where I sit."

"As long as you like it."

"I do."

She got more lotion and I found myself thinking that indeed my ass had been neglected. I liked this a lot. She scooted down and sat between my legs with her hands moving up my thighs. She kissed and sucked along the line where my leg met my ass. That felt good. I think all the blood in my body had pooled in my torso. I felt so heavy and my arms and legs were limp. I knew where she was going. Didn’t care. Was looking forward to it actually. She knew she had me right were she wanted me. So relaxed I didn’t care. I said I needed to be in the right mood . . . this would be it. I moaned my assent as her fingers trailed down the crack of my ass. She would return to my thighs and lower back as she kissed me then her finger would slide a little deeper. I involuntarily raised my ass just a little. I got rewarded with a gentle stroke of my balls with her tongue. The same tongue that I felt probe an area that had never been touched by another human being. "Holy shit." It was more of a sigh than anything. I felt her fingers spread me as her tongue moved around me. Now I knew that my ass had been "grossly neglected". I was squirming. In a very . . . very good way.

I almost begged when she stopped, but she said, "Roll over, baby."

I knew she wasn’t done with me. It took every ounce of energy I had to roll over, but I did it. Damn glad I did. First her hand wrapped around my cock and stroked me even harder than I already was. As impossible as that might sound. Then her mouth took me in. This is normally where I start to get all tense and feel that build up that ends in an earth shattering explosion. Nope, not now. She kept me relaxed. Her mouth moved so slow and she kissed and licked my shaft. Not to get me off, but to feel good. Feel good it did. Her hand, still slick with lotion, massaged my balls then I felt her lips kissing me. Licking me. I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I couldn’t really reach her, so I found myself rubbing along my chest and stomach. I felt her finger along my ass again and slowly start to push inside me. I stopped breathing. I didn’t know what to expect.

"Talk to me."

She kissed along my inner thigh and to be honest I didn’t give a shit what she did at this point as long as she didn’t stop, "Good, Tracie."

"More . . . or enough."

I moved against her, "More." She gave me more. I’m guessing two of her fingers were now inside me. Moving slowly in and out. Every now and then I’d feel a shock of pleasure and I knew that wasn’t an accident. She continued to lick and kiss my cock as she worked another finger inside me. Her attention to my cock was just enough to keep me hard, but I believe that her fingers inside me would have done that.

"No . . . not yet." But she pulled out of me anyway. She pushed my legs up and I felt her tongue on me again, "Oh yeah, oh yeah." I felt something else push at me then slip right into me. I was ready to protest, but the feeling as she turned the vibrator on made that thought go away and all I did was moan.

She sucked my inner thigh again, "I knew you’d like."

"Oh fuck do I." Part of me wanted that blindfold gone so I could see her, but something told me no. She didn’t move the vibrator, but I felt her moving around on the bed. "Oh god, baby, yes . . . please . . . oh god." I know, begging. But damn! She had gotten rid of her panties and was slowly sinking down on me. "I am going to die."

"Not yet, give me five more minutes of your time before you make that decision."

She began to slowly ride me, "Trace, not my decision, you’re gonna kill me."

"Only in a good way."

I reached out my hands to touch her, and found her back was to me. Which I guess made it easier for what came next. As she rode me with my hands moving over her back, she began to move the vibrator inside me. Fuck me with it if you will. I grabbed onto her hips and guided her speed on me, which also guided her speed in me. I wanted . . . I kept it slow and easy. I wanted . . . I needed this to last. Her hips circled as she moved on me and I heard her breathing change. I couldn’t take any more. No speech made it through. My brain wasn’t working. All I could manage was a series of moans and primitive grunts. She got the picture.

"Cum for me, Kevin."

I slammed her down on me as I came, and she didn’t stop moving the vibrator. I arched off the bed with my head thrown back. I wanted as far inside her as I could get then I collapsed in a sweaty limp blob on the bed. She let the vibrator fall out of me as I fell out of her. She laid her body on me and kissed me. More like kissing the very life out of me. I really was gonna die any second. She pushed the blindfold off my head and I kept my eyes closed. My hands held her face and I kissed her repeatedly until I could open my eyes. I held her there and looked at her, "I have never in my life."

She kissed my nose, "But you will again. That’s the best part."

"I can’t really break things into the whole thing was the best part. You are amazing. I’ve never been so relaxed in my life."

She laughed, "You said that."

I held her tight to me, "My brain is fried. Forgive me."

"I like that I fried your brain." She snuggled into my neck and softly kissed me, "I need to cum."

"I think I can help you out with that."

"No. You just relax. I’ll take care of it. You can watch."

I really am gonna die now.


	58. Chapter 58

~*~AJ~*~  
Kevin is late. Really really late. No one answered at his house or either of their cell phones. He bounded through the door two hours late and dropped his stuff on the floor, "My girlfriend is a freak. Sorry, I’m late. Frankly, your damned lucky I am here at all."

"Good night I take it." I glanced over. I wasn’t sure if we were pissed or not.

"Oh holy fucking hell. She did things to me last night that I never even imagined that I wanted done. Then wouldn’t let me touch her, but let me watch."

Nick laughed, "You realize you are a freak as well and I fucking hate you. You got the great best friend, who ends up being a great lover. I want fucking details!"

Kevin was laughing as he walked over and kissed the top of Nick’s head, "You’ll find yours. We’ll talk later."

Nick pumped the air and we went back to work.

~*~Nick~*~  
I can’t say that anything at home was really different. Pam continued to pout and bitch and not trust me.

I had this bizarre hope that with Kevin and Tracie getting together she would see how happy and fun they were and it might help us. I don’t know where that idea came from. Like I said, maybe just hope. Instead she went the other way.

"You want that don’t you? You want what Kevin’s doing."

I just looked at her, "Of course I want that. Don’t you? Jesus, Pam. They are friends and lovers. They’ve always had fun together, now it’s got sex too. They are happy and enjoying each other. Who the hell wouldn’t want that? We used to have that."

"You know it’s just the beginning for them. Reality will hit and it won’t be all fun."

My mouth dropped open, "Pam, you have no fucking clue."

"What do you mean?"

"This isn’t easy for them. Shit, Kevin makes everything difficult because he’s Kevin. But they still have fun. Make it fun. Where is our fun?"

"You don’t love me anymore do you?"

"That is not what I asked. I ask why we don’t have fun anymore. We fight, we never get anywhere, and we never make up. Like this. I ask about fun and you immediately make it about you. I don’t love you? Have you once heard me ask if you love me?"

"Do you love me?"

That was it. I snapped. Calmly. She couldn’t pull the focus off her for two seconds. "Pam, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter either."

She looked shocked. It’s like she had no idea that she would eventually drive me away with all that. "What do you mean?"

"There’s too much shit anymore that I don’t know if I love you. I probably don’t. It’s died. Either way I can’t do this anymore. I can’t always be questioned and be on guard. I can’t make you feel good about yourself about us. I can’t make you feel my love, when all you do is think how you don’t deserve it. It’s not worth it anymore. I took a deep breath and looked her in the eyes, "It’s over, Pam. I’m done."

She was crying. I expected that. "What am I supposed to do? Are you going to give me five hours like Kevin did Jessica?"

"I’m not kicking you out on the street.” I thought for a second about what would be fair. "I’ll help you move, money or what ever. If you want to go back home. End of the month. I’ll stay with one of the guys. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry."

I walked out the door. I took another deep breath and noticed that I felt better. I got in my car and thought, "whew, glad that’s over." I felt this huge surge of relief. I wanted to celebrate. That bothered me. Not that I wanted to celebrate, but that I had stayed so long that it had got to the point that getting out made me instantly happy. That’s wrong. Too long.

I drove around for maybe an hour. Thinking. I started feeling more guilt about feeling good. I figured that Kevin would understand and drove there. He answered the door, "Hey, man, what’s up?"

"I did it. Told Pam it was over."

"You ok?" He waved me in.

"Yeah." I sat down and kicked back, "I feel really good. I feel guilty for feeling so good. I figured you might get that.’

He sighed, "I don’t know that I felt good. I was glad when it was over."

"But you didn’t feel bad about ending it."

"Not at all. I felt stupid for not knowing better. Angry as hell. Sad that it was a relationship over, and ecstatic that it was over. Well, almost over." He stopped and looked sad, "Nick, don’t beat yourself up for taking care of yourself. You worked your ass off and hung in there longer than I think you should have."

“Thanks." It was good to hear this, but not exactly what I needed. Tracie came down the stairs. "Hello, Tracie."

She had on one of Kevin’s UK shits, "I wondered who had distracted him." She messed up my hair and kissed my head, "I’ll let you boys talk."

"Sorry to interrupt." I smiled remembering today’s announcement.

"You’re not interrupting. Even if you were it’s fine. I love you."

"I love you too. Pam and I broke up. Well, I broke up."

I got a hug, "Aw, sweetie, are you ok?"

"I’m fine. Better actually."

"Good. I’m glad and sad for you. Let me know if you need anything, and you know you’re welcome here anytime."

I hugged her and held on, I guess that was something I needed, "Thank you."

She headed upstairs until Kevin yelled, "Um, excuse me. Can I get a goodnight hug and kiss?" He stood as she came back. I didn’t get that type of hug and kiss. His hands were on her ass, again.

Kevin watched her head upstairs with the world’s biggest smile. "Dude, once you two got started." I shook my head and laughed, "You can’t keep your hands off her."

He smirked, "I know."

We talked for a while longer. I could always count on Kevin even though he gave me shit a lot. "I’m gonna go take a drive. Think. Let you get back to doing what ever you were doing.".

We both laughed, "Nick, she’s right. You’re welcome here anytime. Stay if you want."

I wondered if he’d noticed she invited me to stay in his house. I guess he didn’t mind. I hugged him, "Thanks bro, I may take you up on that. I’ll call you later."

I drove some then found myself at Lee’s house.


	59. Chapter 59

~*~Lee~*~  
I knew it had to be either Tracie or Nick knocking on my door at two am. Part of me knew it was Nick.

He was leaning against the porch wall with his hands in his shorts pockets. I couldn’t help but smile, "Good evening, Nick."

"Morning actually. I broke up with Pam."

Jumping up and down would be in poor taste, "I’m sorry. How are you doing? What happened?" We sat down and he went over what had gone on. He said that after stopping by Kevin and Tracie’s he drove around and felt better and better. "I bet. It’s got to feel good to be moving on. I know you’ve thought abut this a lot and tried to make it work. Sometimes I think it’s just a relief to know you don’t have to keep banging your head on the wall."

“Yes! I’ve felt like I was hitting a brick wall. No matter what I did it was the same. Today was just enough. Finally."

"Finally is right." We sat there looking at the floor, "Nick, I don’t mean that in a mean way. All of us . . . I noticed her pulling you down, and when she wasn’t around you came to life. You’re so much fun and good man. It was shitty to watch."

"Thank you. I started to see that I was thinking really bad about me. Then some things happened and I realized it wasn’t me. Wasn’t all me. I get part of it."

I laughed, "I’ll let you have part of it." We talked for quite awhile. He shared a lot of what had been going on, then went back and talked about the beginning. Sweet story, but hindsight is 20/20 vision and as we talked he was able to see the beginnings of all that had happened. The signs were there. He wanted the fairytale and overlooked them. I watched him get sad then bounce back. He came back to being relieved and proud of himself for making changes for his own good. There was a lull and he yawned, it had to be five in the morning, "Nick, you can stay here tonight if you want? I don’t want you driving this tired."

"Thanks, Lee. I’ll take you up on that. I’ll figure out the end of the month tomorrow."

We stood up and I hugged him, "Here, Kevin’s, or one of the others. I’m sure you’re welcome any where." I stepped back and noticed Nick’s eyes drift down my body. He smiled that killer half smile and shifted his hips. I looked down at myself and noticed that my nightshirt had risen to an almost obscene level and revealed just enough to cause a specific reaction in Nick. I watched the bulge in his shorts grow. He showed no shame as he reached down to adjust himself. I smiled and walked forward. I put one hand on his shoulder and one hand on his cock, "Can I help you with that?"

He lifted the bottom of my nightshirt and tilted his head to look as his fingers played between my legs, "Maybe we can help each other. I’ve always been attracted to you. From that first night AJ brought you to the party."

I didn’t get the chance to say thank you before we were kissing. His lips were full and as soft as I’d fantasized them. He pulled my nightshirt over my head before he pulled me next to him. I slid my hand inside his shorts and grabbed him, "Good lord."

"What?"

"Nothing." I fell to my knees and yanked his shorts down. "Oh wow." I heard him laugh, then that turned to a moan as I took him in my mouth. To say he is well endowed would be very accurate, almost an understatement.

"Damn, Lee, that feels so good." I felt his hands in my hair as I sucked him, then he grabbed me and pulled his cock from my mouth. He knelt down in front of me, "I don’t want rebound shit. We gonna try this?"

I pulled his shirt over his head, "Yes. I want you, Nick."

"I want you too." He held me against him and kissed me. I could feel how much he wanted this. In his kiss and the hard length pressing into me. I moved my hips against him and grabbed his ass, digging my nails into his flesh. He sucked my neck and lowered me to the floor. Once on my back he licked my breasts. He teased me with small licks all around my nipple, but never quite there.

"Dammit Nick!"

He looked up at me, "What? You need something." He slid his finger inside me, "Damn, girl. You do need something." He lowered his head again and sucked my nipple hard as his finger felt inside me.

I ran my hands through his soft blond hair, "So soft. I wondered. Oh god, Nick. That feels so good. Give me you."

He rolled between my legs and rubbed head of his cock against me, "So warm and wet, Lee. This will feel so good. Deep inside you." He shoved himself deep inside me with one hard thrust. I screamed out. More from pleasure, but just a little pain as he filled me. That good pain though. Just on the brink. "Good. Oh man . . . feels so good . . . tight . . . wrap your legs around me . . . I want you to fuck me."

He flipped us over and I gasped at the feeling of him even deeper inside me, "Good god, Nick. You feel so good."

"Fast, Lee. Fuck me fast."

He squeezed my breasts, and my nipples as I rode him. Fast. Again mostly pleasure, but just a little pain. Hurt so good. I leaned back on his thighs and kept up the pace. My legs were beginning to cramp, "Nick, baby, you gotta take over."

"You got it! I’ll finish us." He sat up, "The couch, let’s move to the couch." He sat me on the couch with my ass on the edge and entered me again, "Oh fuck, I’m almost there. I want you to cum." He reached between us and used his thumb on my clit.

"Yeah, Nick. That’s it. Faster . . . oh . . . damn." I dug my nails into his hips as my orgasm hit.

"Tight . . so damn tight . . . Lee, I’m gonna fucking explode . . . ahh!" With that he did. His hands grabbed my ass and lifted me off the couch as he arched into me.

His eyes were still closed when I spoke, "Damn, you’re beautiful when you come."

He opened one eye, "You’re nuts."

"Nope. Beautiful. Intense."

"Felt good. Damn good."

"Yes, it did. Let’s go to bed. I want to do that again."

"And again. I’m young."

I laughed, "Thank god for younger men."

He laughed and threw me over his shoulder, "I’m not sleeping in the guest room."

"Fuck no!"

~*~Nick~*~  
I didn’t expect this to happen. I did want it too though. Imagine me smiling here. I don’t like to be alone and I don’t think I would have left Pam without having a possible something after her. I don’t think I go looking and I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend, but I do like to have an option. I’ve been pulling away from Pam for a while now. I feel like I’ve mourned the loss as I went along. And I know that I need someone else to get over the rest with. I did think Lee was beautiful when I first met her. Then I watched her be the drier, slightly more cynical, but just as fun version of Tracie. She knew who we were, but didn’t give a shit. She has a great head for business and numbers and can talk anyone into anything. She’s a great fundraiser. She knows just how to stroke egos. She has been a good friend to me, to all of us. When I knew things were ending with Pam I started looking around. I flirted a little more and she responded. When Tracie and Kevin got together I was jealous. Not of either of them, but that relationship. I decided that when it was over I wanted tha, and I wanted Lee. I believe in fate, and I believe that she came into my life and became a friend to get me out of that mess, and then to be more. I don’t need to analyze every little thing, like Kevin, I go much more on feeling. I wanted her now. Obviously she wanted me too.


	60. Chapter 60

~*~Kevin~*~  
This early shit has to give. I got to the studio early. Nick was next. "You ok?"

"I’m excellent." He had that smile.

"What’s her name?" I knew Nick was one to jump right into the next relationship, much like AJ.

Nick leaned over and whispered, "Lee."

I sat up, "Our Lee?"

"If you can fuck Tracie, why can’t I fuck Lee?"

"First off, I am not judging you. I like Lee, if you guys like each other go for it. Secondly, I am beginning to get damn tired of references to me fucking Tracie. I am not just fucking Tracie."

AJ had just walked in, "What would you prefer?"

I turned, "I don’t know."

~*~Lee~*~  
I laid in bed for a long time after Nick left. We had no sleep. I called Tracie, "Guess what?"

"Nick spent the night there didn’t he?"

"Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes." I pulled the covers over me, "Damn a younger man. He is fucking beautiful."

"Woo hoo! Excellent."

I suddenly felt a little bad, "We talked about Pam. He seems ok. He’s one of those who gets involved to move on."

"And you my friend will allow him to mourn or rage or whatever he needs without adding guilt and taking it personal. And without steering him into something he doesn’t want."

"Yes, I will. He’s gonna stay here until she moves out of his place. He gave her until the end of the month."

I heard a little panic in Tracie’s voice, "Bad. She’s nuts, she’s gonna destroy the house. She’s hurt, and mad. He’s gotta get her out now."

"Shit, I hadn’t thought of that."

I called Nick then went into work for a little while.

~*~Nick~*~  
I promised Lee that I would go by the house at lunch, check things out, and pick up my things. Pam wouldn’t do anything like that. She’s not the vindictive type. I had a good reason for dropping by, needed to get my dogs.

~*~Lee~*~  
I got home to find Nick sitting on the couch, holding the dogs tight, with tears streaming down his cheeks. I knelt in front of him and let the dogs kiss me, "Hey, handsome, what happened?"

~*~Tracie~*~  
Lee called me and asked me to meet her at Nick’s house. We needed to erase Pam. I told Kevin where I was going and he laughed, "You’re good at erasing. I never found even an earring back of Jessica’s. Call me if you need help with anything." 

Isn’t he sweet?

I walked into the house and was stopped dead in my tracks, "Holy fuck!"

Lee came out of the kitchen. I could tell she’d been crying, "I know. Wait until you see this shit."

We walked around the house. Most of the walls had something written on them, "stupid blonde pop star", "mother fucker", "man whore", "I bet you fuck your dogs when I’m away". "Hope you like necrophilia" was written over the dog’s bowls in the kitchen and bottle of grass killer was there. "Harmful or fatal to animals if swallowed. Keep off area to be treated for 24 hours." 

I threw the bottle in the garbage, "Please tell me Nick didn’t find all this?"

"He came over here and found her. She freaked out, screaming and hitting him. He already has a few bruises. He called the police when he walked in the doorand saw the first of it. They arrested her and hauled her off. He’s at my house sitting on the couch holding the dogs. Crying. I want to kill her."

"I’ll help." We hugged, "Jesus, Lee, she’s fucking nuts. Is this upstairs too?"

"I don’t know. Haven’t gone up there. The house will have to be painted. I thought we could run to Home Depot and get a primer and cover up the writing. I don’t want this to show up anywhere. Tracie, he didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this. He is so trusting. This has floored him."

"I’d imagine so." I called Kevin and told him I would be late and that Pam had trashed the house. I gave him a rough rundown of what she had done, what we had found so far, and he said he would head over to Lee’s and just hang with him.

Lee and I ran out and got what we thought we would need. We started painting over the words immediately. It was going to take several coats to cover the black spray paint. The nicest thing we’d found so far that was that she had used the fireplace to burn all of Nick’s video games and a lot of his clothes. She had pictures, awards, and other things stacked on the couch. She was gonna do a lot of damage in those few weeks he gave her. I figure the writing on the walls was getting out the anger until she thought of the worse things. What a psycho!

We had bought some moving boxes and threw anything of hers into them as we made our rounds downstairs. I headed on upstairs. I was in no way prepared for what I found there. She had shredded the sheets on the bed, cut into the mattress, the feathers from the pillows were everywhere and the walls were covered here too. "You can’t fuck worth a damn", "You useless little prick", then the one that cut into me like a knife "Your best friend is better."

I screamed for Lee. She came running, "What?" She stopped dead in her tracks, "Oh my god! Tracie . . ."

"Let’s see if we can find anything. Let’s start boxing things up."

"How bout we burn them?"

"Or send them to Brian’s house." I was laughing.

She joined in. It was stress, "I can assure you that his prick is not little."

We were silent as we packed. She leaned back on the bed with a notebook, "I think we have hit the jackpot.” She held up a green notebook, her diary."

She had gone over to Brian’s after a fight with Nick to see if he would tell her the truth about Nick cheating on her. Brian evidently comforted her and told her she was beautiful. Then they fucked. She talked about how he made her feel so wanted. That he was willing to risk his friendship with Nick to be with her must mean he really wanted her and thought she was beautiful. She felt a little bad because she was in love with Nick, but Brian made her feel so good. She rationalized that if Nick could screw around with everything in a skirt, then her having a little thing with Brian wasn’t so bad. We found several references to fucking him. It seemed like when she and Nick had a fight or if she was feeling down she’d go get a little self-esteem boost from Brian. She felt bad a lot. Too bad she didn’t quite get that she was just a piece of ass. An easy piece of ass.

I was furious. I wanted to go rip Brian a new asshole. Lee was just sad. I knew that Kevin would be pissed and disappointed with Brian. Hell, this was incredible. Brian is the last one that I would ever figure to do this. His best friend.


	61. Chapter 61

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie called about three in the morning, "Hey, baby."

"Hey, when are you coming home?"

"It’s taking forever to cover this shit. We’re packing her things too. We want to get it done. I think we’ll work a little longer then crash. I don’t know if I’ll get home before you go."

"Ok, get her out of there. I’ll go in early and see if we can’t get it all wrapped up today. We should be able to, there’s not really much of anything left, just the details." I stretched.

"I wish I was there."

"I wish you were here too. Your pillow just isn’t cutting it. Need to squeeze you."

"I need squeezing. This has been hard. I’ll explain it all when I see you."

‘Find more?" She had told me about the writing downstairs

"Yeah, be patient. Lee’s gotta tell Nick first."

"I understand. Be careful and get some sleep."

"I will, leave me your pillow."

"Sure thing, kitten." I laughed.

"I haven’t heard any purring."

"You will." I hung up smiling. I wondered what was going on, what else they had found, but I could wait, especially at three am.

~*~Lee~*~  
We finished, well close, at about five, "I’m gonna go home. I want to get to Nick before he heads in."

"Yeah, don’t want him accidentally being nice to fuck face, I mean Brian." Tracie fiddled with the charred pieces of Nick’s Playstation, "Lee, how are you gonna tell him this?"

"I figure he saw the wall. I’ll just confirm what he knows. I can’t even imagine what an amazing betrayal this is."

"I can. I’ll stay behind and do another check then head on home. We’ll haul this shit off later."

We hugged, "Thank you, Tracie. I couldn’t have done this alone. I owe you. Maybe I owe Kevin."

"Kevin will survive. Go take care of Nick. He’s gonna need you."

I cried most of the way home. He hadn’t told me about the bedroom. I’m not sure if he knew or just didn’t want to see. Nick was asleep in the bed with the dogs. He looked so little. I know, just me stressing. I took a shower to try and was away some of the ickiness. Nick was awake when I came out. I sat down next to him, "Morning gorgeous, sleep well."

"No. You weren’t here. Thank you."

"No problem. We painted over everything, cleaned up, and boxed up her shit." I ran my fingers through his hair.

He sat up, "Why’d you paint, I’m gonna have to hire painters to redo everything."

"I know, but I didn’t want anyone seeing that. It’s gone now." I kissed him and laid down next to him, "Nick, did you go upstairs?"

"Yeah, have to replace the mattress. It’s all good. I’ll just redecorate the way I want. I let her change shit."

"Nick, the words on the wall. About Brian." I braced myself.

He scratched his head, "I know. She’s nuts. I can’t believe she would try to bring Brian into it."

I took a deep breath, "Baby, Tracie and I . . . we found her diary."

"I bet that was an interesting read. Anything I need to give to the police?"

He wasn’t getting it, "Nick, Pam did fuck Brian. She went to him after a fight and they wound up in bed. Some bullshit about him making her feel wanted, especially if he was willing to risk your friendship to be with her. She went to him when she felt bad about herself. It happened a dozen or so times."

I watched his eyes dull and his face drop, "Please, Lee, tell me your kidding. Brian wouldn’t do that."

"I’m sorry, honey. He did." I didn’t know what to expect. Nick sat up. I sat up. He looked around the room. I don’t know what for. He reached for me, and I took him in my arms. He started to cry. "Oh, Nick. I’m so so sorry. I can’t believe he did that."

He cried for a while, "I’m not going to the studio today. I don’t want to deal with him. Jesus fucking hell!"

"Tracie talked to Kevin earlier, he said there wasn’t a lot left. I’m sure they can deal on their own." We sunk back into the bed and held each other.

"I thought it was a stupid play to get back at me. Dumping her was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I should have done it months ago. Dammit, how could they."

I liked pissed better, "No way you could know she was that insecure and fucked up."

"Add her too the pile with Jessica. Girlfriends and wives who need to be erased. Hell, at least Jessica didn’t fuck up the whole group."

"I know. This sucks." I didn’t know how this was gonna be ok.

We talked about this some more, mainly just letting him vent. I was proud of him for not taking on responsibility for this. A month ago he would have, he took responsibility for everything. He blamed Pam and Brian. He should have. When we had covered everything two or three times he kissed me, "Lee, make love with me."

Not a problem.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I went over the house once more and found a bunch of little things of Pam’s and got rid of those. I gathered the last of the destroyed stuff and hauled it out to the garbage. I vacuumed up the feathers in the bedroom. The paint had covered the horrible words well. Pam had left a huge mess all over the place. I had this hope that her mess would be external, and Nick would be able to keep a lot of the mess away from him. Not possible with the Brian part. I was very glad he had hooked up with Lee. She was already in place before the betrayal hit, hopefully he would keep the trust in her and they could work through this.

That made me wonder if anyone would ever know what really went on with Kevin and Jessica.


	62. Chapter 62

~*~AJ~*~  
Nick’s not coming. I wonder what the fuck that is about? Kevin talked to him and didn’t even give him shit about it. All I know that Pam is out, Lee is in. I’m pleased. "OK, so we’ll be done with this today even without Nicky. Party at my house tonight. Things are changing . . . again. We have hopefully learned that when shit gets stressed we need to get together."

Kevin chimed in, "And get fucked up. It’s been a while since we’ve been fucked up."

"Hey, anyone know what happened with Nick and Pam? He talking to anyone?" Brian said this out of nowhere.

"I’m sure it was the same old shit, Bri. Her pouting and busting his ass about cheating on her." I was on the verge of hating her for how Nick got about this.

"She’s insecure. He’s Nick Carter."

Kevin broke in, "You know, we’re gonna disagree on this one. We always do. Let’s not do this now."

First time in a long time I was thankful for Kevin telling someone to shut up. I didn’t get why he liked her. Too understanding of Brother Brian. I made a few phone calls and gathered a few close friends. Nothing big.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I called home about eleven, "You awake."

"No."

"I’m sorry. I’ll let you go." I didn’t want to. I really had missed her last night. That feeling of well being I have with her.

"No, I want to talk to you. God, Kevin, I could use a hug." She sounded beat.

"I’ll take care of that as soon as I see you. What time did you get home?"

"About eight. I finished up and sent Lee on to talk to Nick."

"He isn’t coming in today."

"I can’t blame him. I’ll explain all that latter. You all gonna get done? Please say yes."

I smiled, "Yes. AJ is throwing a party tonight. You up for that? I can beg out."

"I need to let off some steam. I’ll sleep today then be ready to go tonight. Think I can find a date on such short notice?"

"I might be free. I don’t know when we’ll be done. I’ll call you later, no, you call me so I don’t wake you up. Sleep well, kitten."

"That’s not funny." She hung up. 

It was funny.

Things went smooth all day. No problems. I still hadn’t heard from Tracie by the time we were done. I decided to go on over to AJ’s and start the party. It was a struggle. Go home and wake up Tracie or go start the party. I wanted her to sleep. I know better than to think that would happen if I went home.

~*~Nick~*~  
Lee and I stayed in bed all day. Talking, making love, and talking. I still couldn’t believe that Brian would do something like this. Part of me wanted to believe that Pam’s diary was nothing but her fantasy, or her setting this up way back then. My gut told me it was true though. Damn it. How would this one work out?

AJ called and told me to be at the party. We needed to party. Lee and I talked about it. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to go. I knew Brian would be there. Lee made a good point, better to get this out now than to wait until we were on a plane and couldn’t get away from each other. We would go.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I woke up much later than I’d planned. Where the hell was Kevin? I called his cell, "Please tell me you’re not still working?"

He was loud, "Na, I’m at AJ’s we got done about three. I wanted to come home and wake you up, but I wanted you to sleep. Come over."

I laughed, "Thank you. I needed to sleep, but you waking me up would have been very good. I’m gonna shower then I’ll be over. Anyone there yet?"

"Me, AJ, Howie, and a couple of friends. Nick and Lee are coming. Brian too."

Shit, Brian, "Kevin, we gotta talk about Brian." I knew Lee would have talked to Nick by now. I’m sure that Nick is coming tonight to get the confrontation over with.

"Get over here then." He laughed, "I have that hug for you."

"Don’t use that voice on me. I’ll be there in an hour."

"It worked though." He hung up. Damn man.

By the time I got there the party was kicking. No sign of Nick, or Brian. Or Kevin. One of Kevin’s friends saw me and I went over there to talk with him and Nick’s friends. I was laughing when I felt a pair of arms encircle my waist and a mouth on my neck, "There you are! I thought you’d never get here."

I turned around and met his mouth. Someone cleared their throat loudly. I looked over my shoulder, and Kevin nuzzled into my neck. 

"When the fuck did this happen?"

Kevin laughed, "About a week ago. Come with me." He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the room and down the hall to the computer room, "Kissing time. More if I can get it."

I rolled my eyes, "You can’t. We are at a party. I need to tell you about Brian, about Nick."

"They’re not here yet. They can wait."

He was awfully insistent. His tongue in my mouth convinced me it could wait.

~*~Lee~*~  
We got to the party and I did a quick scan. Brian’s car wasn’t there. Maybe he wouldn’t have the balls to show up. We went inside and joined the fun. I’d seen Kevin and Tracie’s cars, but not them. I guess they were off somewhere. Nick kept hold of my hand, or had his arm around me. AJ bounced over, already way drunk, "So you guys are doing the nasty." He put his arms around us.

"Is nothing private?" Nick sneered at him.

"Nope. You two out here, Kevin and Tracie off somewhere fucking in my house. I should go find them."

I grabbed his shirt, "Leave them alone. She was off helping me move Pam out all night. They’re so cute."

"And are you too so cute?"

Nick laughed, "Not the same. We’ve just jumped in and satisfied those urges, they’ve been torturing each other for months."

"Yeah, they’re still working on it. They’re so cute."

AJ kissed my cheek, "You said that already." He looked past us, "Holy shit, no way!"

Both of us turned around. I closed my eyes, "Oh shit!" Coming right toward us was Brian . . . and Pam.


	63. Chapter 63

~*~Brian~*~  
We walked straight toward them. I wanted them to talk this out. She needed to understand that Nick was always going to have temptation, but he’d been nothing but good. He needed to understand what it was like to be a Backstreet Girlfriend. Sara and I had talked about this a million times. It was hard. It took a strong strong woman. Pam was not a strong strong woman, but she could be if Nick was willing to take the time and help her. Lee was a good friend, hopefully she’d understand. I started, "I thought you two should talk."

Nick had this cold look on his face, "How’d you get out of jail?"

AJ stifled a laugh. I glared at him, "I bailed her out. She doesn’t belong in jail."

Lee jumped in, "The hell she doesn’t. That or an insane asylum for fucking fruitcakes." So maybe Lee wasn’t going to cooperate.

Pam winced, "This isn’t about you. Nick, we need to talk."

"No, we don’t fucking need to talk." Nick yelled, "I don’t need to talk to you ever again unless it’s through my lawyer."

Lee shook her head, "We found your diary." She spoke to Pam, but looked at me.

I watched Pam turn pale then closed my eyes, "Who . . who . . found my diary?"

"Tracie and I did."

Oh damn. I could tell my the look on all of their faces what she had written in there, "Frack, bro, let me explain." I reached out and grabbed his arm.

He jerked away from me, leaned his face down to me, "Don’t fucking talk to me like that." He let go of Lee’s hand and walked toward the kitchen.

Thankfully Lee didn’t follow. I needed to explain, to tell him what had happened. "Nick, please . . . let me explain." I caught up with him and stopped behind him.

He turned on me. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so angry. I can understand. "What the fuck could you possible have to say to me?"

"I want to explain. It only happened a few times, it didn’t mean anything. She felt lonely and scared and it just happened."

Before I knew what hit me I was slammed into the refrigerator, "You were fucking my girlfriend and you stand there telling me it didn’t mean anything? I’d rather hear that you fell in love with her and it wasn’t just a fuck. You fucked my girlfriend, Brian. Jesus fucking Christ, I never expected that from you. At least if you loved her I could say it was a fate thing and you can’t stop love. I can’t do that with a fuck."

He set me down, "Nick, it wasn’t all . . " I was cut off by Nick’s fist in my stomach.

"Shut the fuck up, asshole! I don’t want to hear it!"

"Calm down."

"I said shut the fuck up!" Nick punched me in the mouth and I tasted blood as I hit the refrigerator again. This time a bunch of Tupperware fell on me. "You goddamned self righteous bible thumping jackass!" He leaned down and grabbed me by the shirt. I winced knowing I was going to get hit again. He hit me a couple of times before it suddenly stopped.

"What the fuck is going on in here?" Kevin grabbed Nick and I was loose.

~*~Kevin~*~  
One second I’m making out with my girl and the next I hear all this cussing and screaming. "What the fuck is that?"

"Oh shit, Nick and Brian." Tracie took off and I followed. She stopped in the doorway of the kitchen and I saw those two going at it. No, I saw Nick going after Brian. Nick had gone through a swinging period growing up, but this was different, he was pissed beyond that.

I grabbed Nick and pulled him off Brian, "What the fuck is going on in here?"

Nick struggled and I let him go, "Goddamn asshole, let him fucking tell you. You’re his cousin. Fuck."

I helped Brian off the floor and found a washcloth for his lip. He was going to have at least a black eye, "What the hell, Brian? Are you ok?"

"No, I’m not ok. My best friend just beat the shit out of me and I deserved it."

He headed out the kitchen and out the front door, "What did you do?"

"One night when Nick and Pam had a fight . . ."

I closed my eyes and cut him off, "Oh god Brian, please tell me you didn’t fuck her." He stared at the ground, "No wonder he beat the shit out of you. Hell, I want to beat the shit out of you. How could you? He’s your best friend."

"I know. I’ve felt like shit since then and when it happened again . . ."

"Again? You fucked her more than once?" I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, "Once is a mistake, more than that is . . . I don’t know. What were you thinking?" He told me this whole thing about her being insecure blah blah blah, nothing I didn’t know, "But how did you fucking her make that better?"

"I don’t know. I don’t know. The first time it just happened, she was so upset and felt so lost I was holding her while she cried and then we were in bed. Then after that I don’t know. She told me that she felt wanted with me, that I wanted her and that felt good. I guess I liked that, and since it had happened already."

"What about Sara?"

"She doesn’t know."

I wanted to slam him on the ground and kick his ass, "Brian, Nick . . . I can maybe understand cheating on Sara, but Nick. Man, he’s your best friend. Was your best friend. Didn’t you fucking think what that would do to him? Hell, what that will mean for all of us. You’re not this stupid."

"I wanted them to stay together. It made sense at the time. If she felt better about herself she’d stop nagging him so much and they could go on. No one needed to find out. That’s why I brought her here tonight. Nick having her arrested was too far. They need to talk this out"

Nightmare. I yelled this time, "You bailed her out and brought her here. Don’t you think he’s been through enough with her for one day. Trashing the house, all the shit she wrote on the walls, and nearly fucking killing his dogs. They can’t talk that out!"

He looked at me like it’s lost my mind, "What are you talking about? She told me he came over and had changed his mind about letting her have till the end of the month and when she couldn’t get out fast enough he called the police."

I laughed, "She lied to you. Go home, Brian. Let him cool down."

I went back inside to find out what else I didn’t know.


	64. Chapter 64

~*~Lee~*~  
I let Nick go. I wanted to deal with Pam. She started to follow Nick and Brian. I grabbed her arm, "Oh no you don’t, you come with me." I drug her outside onto the pool deck, "You are a bitch."

"Lee, I don’t need to hear from you. I made some mistakes."

"About twelve if I counted right."

"I love Nick."

I shook my head, "That very well may be true, but it’s a sick twisted sort of love. To fuck someone’s best friend, to do the things you did at the house. You’re a fruitloop."

"I was right though. Nick has been sleeping with you."

I laughed, "I won’t go there. This isn’t about me."

Tracie came through the door, "Holy shit, Kevin took Brian outside, and AJ has Nick upstairs." She saw Pam, "What in the fuck are you doing here? Haven’t you done enough?"

"Great, now there’s two." Pam threw her hands in the air.

"You are a bitch."

I laughed, "I said that already."

"Oh, sorry. But I think she deserves to hear it twice." Trace walked toward her and she backed up. I could tell Tracie was getting off on that. "I truly hope this is the last time I ever see you. So I’m gonna say some things. I have never met a more insecure and ridiculously jealous spiteful person in my life. You have been nothing but rude and mean to me since the night I met you and I never did a thing to deserve that. Believe me when I say it never bothered me. Someone who would treat a stranger like that isn’t worth the effort. The things you did to Nick’s house . . . you are trash. He was never unfaithful to you, but you can’t say the same thing can you?"

"What? Are you going to erase me like you erased Jessica?" That wasn’t the smartest thing she’d ever said.

Tracie got inches from her face, "You’ve already been erased. The only thing left is to blow the little pieces off the paper. I’m gonna ship all your shit that we packed up over to Brian’s. He can deal with it."

"I’m not staying at . . ."

Tracie cut her off, "I don’t give a flying fuck where you’re staying. I don’t give a fuck about you. You’re just a pesky little gnat that needs to be smashed. Leave now!"

"I’ll leave when I’m ready."

I walked up, "Let me help you get ready then." I pushed her in the pool.

She screamed and sputtered. Tracie had her hand over her mouth and looked at me, "Damn!"

I laughed, "You interrupted me."

"I’m sorry. I had some things to say. I think you did fine. Non-verbally."

From above us we heard laughter. It was AJ, "Which one of you hussies did that?"

We looked up. AJ and Nick were standing on the balcony outside of AJ’s mom’s room. AJ kept laughing and Nick had a smile on his face. Tracie shook her head, "We didn’t do anything. She slipped. If one of us pushed her that would be assault."

I laughed, "That would be bad."

Nick leaned over the rail, "Pam, you should be more careful around pools, they are slippery and can be dangerous."

Pam was out of the pool and stomping across the deck into the house.

Tracie and I waved, "Bye bye, don’t let the door hit you in the ass."

She glared at us and kept walking.

AJ yelled down, "Loved it, thank you for the show."

Tracie and I headed inside and up the stairs. I sighed, "What happened with Nick and Brian?"

"Nick beat the shit out him. Kevin pulled him off and took Brian outside."

"This sucks." We walked through the door and Nick was right there and hugged me, "I’m sorry, Nick."

He kissed me, "No way, she deserved it. Thank you for standing up for me." He let go of me and hugged Tracie, "I should have expected as much from you."

Tracie kissed him, "Of course. It’s a service I offer."

Howie came through the door, "Well, this is a very interesting party. I can’t believe the things you said. Brian did that?"

"Yeah, he did that." Not sure who said it.

AJ shook his head, "Guess the fans will need to rethink that "Brother Brian" thing. I’m sorry Nick, shit, that sucks. I can’t, I don’t know what to say."

Nick came back and put his arm around me, "There’s nothing to say."

Kevin strode into the room now. He’s pissed, that’s obvious, "When the fuck did this happen?"

Tracie was going to handle this one, she walked straight toward him. AJ leaned over to me, "She’s fearless or stupid. He’s mad."

She stopped right in front of him, "This is what Lee and I found out at the house."

"Dammit, Tracie, why did you tell me? Jesus, my cousin is fucking his best friend’s girlfriend and you don’t even tell me." He talks with his hands a lot and pointed his finger at her.

"I was trying to tell you before you shoved you damn tongue down my throat. And don’t fucking point your finger at me." She poked him in the chest with her finger.

AJ cackled, "Alrighty then! It’s good to see that fucking hasn’t changed your friendship, you still go right after each other."

Tracie and Kevin looked back at each other and laughed as they hugged, "I’m sorry, Tracie." He kissed her then looked over at AJ, "I thought we talked about the fucking thing this morning?"

"You never told me what you wanted me to say."

Tracie looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

He kissed her again, "Later. Nick, are you alright? I’m sorry, I don’t know what has gotten into him."

"Not your responsibility, Kevin. Your uncle is just his dad. I’ll be fine. I didn’t mean to hit him, but he wouldn’t shut up and he brought her here."

Kevin made a face, "I am not defending him, but he didn’t know what she’d done at the house. She told him you kicked her out and called the police. Trespassing."

Howie rolled his eyes, "I swear! Did she tell the truth to anyone?"

Nick hugged me, "I don’t think so. Hopefully she’s gone now. I want her gone."

"The charges?"

"She destroyed my house, burned a bunch of shit, was gonna poison my dogs. I’m gonna talk to my lawyers. If she agrees to disappear I’ll get them to drop the charges. I want her gone."

AJ closed his eyes, "What about Brian?"

Nick groaned, "We’ll work it out. We’ll figure out a way. I’ll talk to him in a couple of days. I need to calm down. It’ll be a long time before I trust him again. He better stay away from Lee."

He kissed my head as I said, "You have got to be kidding me?"

"I hope so. I want to go get fucked up now."

Howie smiled, "We have the house to ourselves now. Everyone figured it best to leave after that little scene."

AJ opened the door, "Excellent, private party time. I’ll get the alcohol. Kevin get the pot. Tracie don’t go with him, we’ll never see you again."

Kevin flipped him off as he headed upstairs.


	65. Chapter 65

~*~Kevin~*~  
I retrieved the bag from AJ’s hiding place and headed downstairs. There was this hot little blond in the oversized chair smiling at me, "I saved you some room."

She got up so I could sit down then sat in my lap. Forward young lady, "Is it me you want or my gifts?"

"Your gifts, but not the ones you brought from AJ’s room." She kissed me.

AJ ripped the baggie out of my hand, "At this rate it’ll take all night to fire up. Give me that." He lit two joints and sent then in opposite directions, "It’s been a shitty night. Hope mom went to the grocery."

I laughed, "As long as you have brownie mix we’ll be fine."

Nick laughed too, "That’s gross. Don’t do that again." As soon as he took one toke, the second joint was passed to him, "I like this." He passed it on then laid his head on Lee.

We drank and smoked and began to forget about the ugliness of the past few days. Nick did anyway. He and Lee were cutting up and kissing.

I threw a marshmallow at AJ, "Why aren’t you giving him shit? You give me shit."

AJ threw it back, "Because Nick . . . hell, I don’t know. You’re more fun to mess with? Yeah, that’s it."

Howie laughed, "And you pretended you weren’t interested for months, it took Nick . . . a day."

Nick looked up, "Hours."

~*~Tracie~*~  
I wasn’t in the mood to get completely out of hand. I reached that level of relaxation and silliness and passed. I watched Nick and Kevin get obliterated. Nick deserved it. I decided that Kevin was feeling guilty because Bri’s his family and I was betting that this was bringing up some of his own trust and betrayal issues. The ones he wouldn’t talk about.

Needless to say we got hungry. There was bacon in the fridge. AJ played cook. We found some canned biscuits too. I think we wound up with thirty biscuits, a huge pile of hash browns with cheese, and two pounds of bacon. I laughed as I hauled part of it to the table, "Stoned people should not be allowed to cook."

Nick grabbed some bacon, "Man, there’s some serious food here."

Kevin sat with his arms wrapped around something I got to the level of his eyes, "Baby, what do you have?"

He smiled and shook his head, "It’s mine. For later."

AJ walked up behind him and ripped the box out of his arms, "Chocolate chip brownies. Dude, you can have those." He gave Kevin the box back.

"She’ll steal ‘em." He pointed at me and smiled.

"Nope, I’ll just make you some promises that will make you beg to give them to me."

Nick grabbed me and put me in a chair, "Stop yourselves. Eat or go fuck, but stop trying to combine the too. Breakfast is not going to be foreplay, you freaks." He ended by giving Lee a kiss so we all stood and applauded.

I looked at him, "What was that about breakfast not being foreplay?"

Lee licked her lips, "I’d call that foreplay."

It didn’t take long for the food to be gone. We put in my favorite episode of South Park, "Cartman gets an anal probe" and I laughed myself hysterical. They all made fun of me, but damn this was good sober. Stoned made it lethal. Kevin and I sat on the floor. I wound up leaning over into his lap convulsing with laughter and crying. Lee and Nick were on the couch with Nick’s head in her lap. AJ was stretched out across the chair, and Howie laid in the floor. 

Occasional one of the couples would kiss. After one particularly long and luscious kiss Kevin looked at AJ and Howie, "Ya’ll need dates." 

I can’t explain it, but that struck me as funny. Maybe the tone. Lee was right with me. Kevin looked at us, "It wasn’t that funny. Ya’ll are fucked up."

Nick looked at him, ‘You need speech, dude. When you get fucked up you start talking like some damn hillbilly."

I corrected him, "Redneck. Hillbilly would be from Tennessee. Kevin is a fine Kentucky redneck."

He beat his chest, "Damn straight."

Lee laughed, "He thinks that’s a compliment."

I hugged him, "You’re a hot redneck though."

"Aww, thank you, baby." He hugged me, "Put me to bed, please."

"Yes, sir. Good night all."

AJ waved, "Need any help?"

Kevin looked at him, "I can walk." About that time he tripped, "Ok, I can mostly walk. There’s a significant difference between being able to walk and being able to mostly walk." He rambled all the way up the stairs. I pushed him in the direction of the bed and he struggled is way under the covers.

"How you doing?"

He pulled off his shirt, "I’m pissed at my cousin. Stupid little jackass. Trust is the most important thing between friends and he just blew it. I never expected any of us would ever do something like this. Mostly not Brian. Brother Brian. Trust is gone. It’s gonna take awhile to fix, if it can be fixed. Gotta trust your friends." He kept mumbling about trust as I climbed into bed beside him. He curled his body around mine with his head on my shoulder, "Yeah, gotta trust your friends. You should be able to trust them. And lovers. Gotta trust that. Sure as shit should be able to trust a wife. Ha, I fucking know that one is bullshit."

"Yes, you gotta be able to trust the important people in your life." I thought this might bring up some things.

"I trust you, Tracie. You wouldn’t lie to me."

"No, Kevin I won’t." I kissed his head.

He never looked up as he sleepily spoke the next words, "You wouldn’t kill my baby would you?"

I answered quickly, "No Kevin, I would never kill your baby."

"I didn’t think so."

I didn’t hear another word from him. I laid there holding him and I cried.


	66. Chapter 66

~*~Tracie~*~  
I didn’t sleep. I laid there thinking about what Kevin had said. That would explain why he wouldn’t . . . why he couldn’t talk about it. Why he was so sad and angry, but seemed to lack any feelings of guilt about the annulment.

Kevin woke up and I was still sitting there, "How long have you been awake?"

I smiled at him, seeing him differently yet again. This time as someone who had something very precious stolen from him and would live with that forever. "I haven’t been to sleep."

"Baby, you ok?"

I barely nodded, "I’m ok. Let’s get out of here. I want to go home."

He got up without another question. I love how we just know when to do and not talk.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I drove us home. I liked her calling my house home. A lot. She looked exhausted and like she’d been crying. Her eyes were red and swollen. I was so trashed last night I don’t know if something happened. She kept a hold of me, so I’m pretty sure I didn’t do something stupid. I took her upstairs and put her in the bed, "Think you can sleep now?"

"Stay with me until I do?"

I climbed in beside her, "Of course."

She was out quick and I watched her for a long time before I got up. I called AJ’s a few hours later and no one remembered anything bad happening. Good, I wasn’t that out of it. Tracie came downstairs while I was reading on the couch. I laid down the book and let her climb in my lap, "Feel better?"

"Yeah." She was quiet for a bit then kissed my cheek, "Think we can go to a beach, get a room. Just us."

Oh yeah, I liked this idea. "I’m sure of it, anywhere in particular you want to go."

"Nope, you pick. As long as you’re there it’ll be perfect."

I don’t know what is going on, but I like this. Not that something is wrong, but that the solution is for us to go off alone together. I have to admit I like the tone to her voice. Soft and easy. I got on the phone and got us a suite a little north of Daytona. I know, it’s touristy, but the beach is big and it’s close enough. The place I picked was just far enough away to be out of the circus. There are condo’s on one side and an empty lot on the other. So the beach gets pretty deserted. It’s just for scenery anyway.  
We were there by sunset. The drive was good. Tracie was a little off the whole time. Nothing big, but I knew something was bothering her. I also knew it wasn’t time to push. We got our stuff to the room then headed out to dinner. Great place on the pier. We took a cab down there so we could walk back. A bottle of wine, some excellent seafood, some laughs at the people, and we were on our way back. It would be dark by the time we made it to our hotel.

I took her hand and we headed down the beach. It was a beautiful night. The moon lit up the breakers and the sound from the waves was soothing. We walked on the wet sand and once we got away from the lights of the pier I turned and kissed her, "Something’s been wrong all day. You want to talk about it, kitten." That got a smile and a roll of her eyes at me.

She put her hands on my waist, slipping under my shirt to touch skin. "It’s about you. Last night after we went to bed you said something. It makes perfect sense." I waited until she was ready, no idea what I’d said. She kissed me then went on, "You asked me if I would ever kill your baby."

I closed my eyes and scrunched up my face. That hurt. "I’m sorry, Tracie. I can’t believe I did that. Yes I can, I guess it’s time, huh?" I had hoped that whole memory would disappear. Never happens, shit always comes back and bites me in the ass. "I’m sorry I dropped that bomb then conked out. Let’s walk." I needed to keep moving.

"Don’t apologize and if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine."

I kissed her again, hugged her, then took her hand and started walking. I needed a few minutes to figure out how to tell the story. Ended up just jumping in. "Jessica didn’t have a miscarriage. She had an abortion. She took RU-486 and the day they called me home it had started working. The next day when I drove her to the doctor to be checked, she really was getting the second set of pills to finish. One of the problems with the pills is sometimes it doesn’t completely work. That’s what happened and they did a D & C. The doctor told me. I’m sure he thought I knew, since I was her husband. I played it off with him, then went to her room and told her to get the fuck out of my house, and out of my life. She was gonna keep lying, she lied right then to my face. If it wouldn’t have screwed up I would have never known."

"Did she say why?"

I nodded, "Yeah, she said she thought getting pregnant, which she did on purpose, would make her first. Then I was putting the baby above her, so she got rid of it. Some shit about if we just had some time alone she’d be first. Tracie, she planned this, it wasn’t even an impulsive thing. She had those pills a few days before she took them. She thought this all out. Then I fucking drove her to finish it. She made me part of it. I hate her. I’ve never hated anyone in my life, but I hate her. That baby didn’t ask to be made and she killed it. I know that woman have abortions every day and that’s their choice. I didn’t get a choice and I did the right thing. I took responsibility and married her."

"You did good, Kevin." She squeezed my hand.

"You never agreed with what I did. I felt, hell I feel so stupid. You all told me not to do it, and I went ahead. Look what happened. I can’t believe I didn’t see what a case she was."

Tracie stopped and yanked me back to her where I was facing her. She put her hands on my face, "I never agreed with what you did, but I was very proud of you for why you did it. You stuck with your beliefs even though you knew were sacrificing your own happiness. You did put the child first, in front of everyone. I am still proud of you."

She kissed me then held me. I shed a few more tears. She did too. This time they were tinged with the smallest bit of happiness. Tracie is proud of me. 

She spoke quietly as we held on, "No way you could know how far she’d go. It’s crazy how people can hide who they really are for so long to get what they want. No wonder you guys don’t trust. I never in my wildest dreams thought of this one."

Now for what I’d done. "I’m sorry I asked you that. That wasn’t fair and it had nothing to do with you. I trust you . . . completely." We stood in the moonlight kissing for what felt like forever.

Once back to our hotel I ran up to get a blanket so we could sit out there for a while. As I went up the elevator it hit me that she never even mentioned me not telling her this before. I’d dropped this bomb on her and instead of being angry, she’d been sad all day. Sad for me. I laughed to myself, this wasn’t about her. This was about me and anything I did to take care of me was good. She trusted me enough to let me do what I needed to do, and if it became an issue with us, or if I wanted to we’d talk. I thought a second and realized I would do the same thing. I had all day. I let her have her space, then asked if she wanted to talk. I would have been fine if she said no.

We sat on the beach with Tracie in front of me with my arms wrapped around her. I kept my face close to hers. I was watching the same things she was watching, smelling the ocean, and her. Her. She felt safe and warm there in my arms. I felt safe and warm. I squeezed her closer and felt her grip my arms a little tighter. I nuzzled into her neck and sighed, "I love you, Tracie."

She laid her head back against me and nuzzled into my neck, "I love you too, Kevin."

I turned her sideways leaning against my leg so I could see her, "I mean head over heels, forever, happily ever after, can't live without you, let's go make love until we're both crying, love you."

She smiled a smile that sent shivers through my body and she had never looked more beautiful to me, "I knew what you meant. I meant the same thing." She laid her hand on my face and we kissed. Soft, and long. I felt this amazing sense of calm overtake me. Like all the tension leaving my body. I had only said those words once before and it wasn't this easy. This was very easy. I really had found someone to share my life with. All of it. She pulled away from me, "Yes."

I was confused, "Yes what?"

"Let's go make love until we're both crying."

The best sound in the world was our laughter as I ran back to our room carrying her piggyback.


	67. Chapter 67

~*~Nick~*~  
I feel like shit. I didn’t mean to smack Bri around like that. I guess I was a little angrier than I thought.

After Kevin and Tracie went to bed the rest of us just kind of passed out where ever we were sitting. I woke up when I heard the front door close. Kevin leaving. I woke up Lee and we left too. We drove back to her place in silence. I collapsed on the couch and she brought us back some coffee, "Better to talk about this now."

I smiled at her, "I loved you pushing her in the pool."

We both laughed, "Tracie was doing all the talking. I did the action. What happened with Brian?"

I told her about him saying it meant nothing and saw her wince, "See, that’s what set me off. I could deal much better with him risking our friendship for something, but not over a fuck. I unloaded on him. I don’t know if I hurt him not. I whaled on him."

She mumbled, "He deserved it" before drinking her coffee.

"Yeah, I guess he did."

We talked through what all this meant. I know that he and I will have to move past this for the group. We will. I will. I guess Pam has already done enough damage. I’m not willing to let her ruin my career. She didn’t fuck that good. I don’t know what will happen with our friendship. I love the asshole.

Lee and I went to bed and slept a few more hours. After making love, of course. That was beautiful and took my mind away from the ugly. I’m a lucky guy.

~*~Brian~*~  
I feel like shit. Nick had every right in the world to knock me senseless. Thinking about it now, what I did makes no sense. To think that me fucking her would somehow help them. Where was my mind? I got home and checked the mirror. Cut lip, swollen eye, and a terrible headache. I had just sat down with a ice bag on my eye when the doorbell rang. Pam.

I let her in, "This is a bad bad idea."

"Oh Jesus, Brian. Are you ok? Let me help you."

I pushed away from her, "You’ve helped enough, thanks. I’ve helped enough. You need to go away. Far away."

"I thought you were going to help me get Nick back, help make him see?" 

She wiped away a tear. Has she always been this manipulative? "That was before I heard what you did to the house, to the dogs. And before Nick found out about us. He hates me."

"He doesn’t hate you. He’s just mad."

"I hope so, but Pam, he hates you. He’s not gonna get over that. The others aren’t gonna let him, hell, I won’t let him. I tried to see your side, I took up for you against the others. I thought with enough time . . . but too much is being destroyed. Nick is ate up with feeling like it’s his fault, and now our friendship is trashed. All over you. That makes you no good for any of us. Not me. And definitely not Nick. You’re on your own. Bye." I walked back to the door and opened it.

"You can’t just kick me out. I have no place to go."

"That’s what happens when you lie and cheat and burn your bridges. Good-bye." She walked out the door and I closed it behind her.

Now to figure out how to make it right with Nick.

~*~Nick~*~  
I called my lawyer that afternoon. Told him what I wanted. He said he’d take care of it. I curled up with Lee, "I want to take you out tonight."

"Are you asking me out?"

"Yeah, our first date."

She lifted the sheet and looked at our bodies, naked, "I think we skipped a step somewhere."

A few hours later she came downstairs looking great. Pretty sundress and sandals. I smiled, "Screw dinner you look good enough to eat."

She pinched my ass as she walked past, "I’m dessert. If you’re a good boy."

"I’ll be a very good boy."

~*~Lee~*~  
I don’t know of anything that boy could to that would keep him from getting laid tonight. It was pretty cute watching him put out the effort though. He was the perfect gentleman. Except for the times I could see him get that naughty look in his eyes then that half smile. I wonder if he even realizes what that does to me, and half the female population of the world, when he does that. I swear that has to be the sexiest damn look I’ve ever seen. When he combines it with the run the fingers through the hair ~ done for, "We need to get out of here."

He looked shocked, "Is something wrong?"

"Yes, very wrong. Take me home. Now." I raised my hand to shut him up every time he tried to speak on the way home. Thankfully it was a short drive. I stormed into the house before him.

"Lee, what did I do?"

Uh, oh. That’s Pam baggage if I ever heard it. He missed the fun and went straight to guilt. He’s going to have to learn not to do that. I turned on him quickly and backed him against the wall, "If you did something I would tell you." I put my hands on either side of him, inside his arms, "What’s wrong is that you keep looking at me with that little smile of yours. Running your fingers through your hair. Driving me crazy. I want you." He was speechless. "I wanted to be home where I could have you." I lifted his shirt off and started to work on his shorts. As I let them fall to his ankles I pressed my body against him and ran my fingers into his hair. "I want you, Nick." I pulled him down to me and kissed him. Immediately biting at those lips and pulling at him. He responded by searching my mouth with his tongue. I moaned as he sucked my tongue and his hands went to my breasts.

~*~Nick~*~  
I was a little lost, but then it got good. I don’t have tons of sexual experience. Pam and some groupies. I’ve always been the aggressor. I could learn to like this . . . a lot. I grabbed her breasts and rubbed over her nipples to get them standing up for me. She had moved her hands down my body and gripped my cock. She wasn’t moving yet, just holding me. Tight. Her other hand was on my chest. Kinda doing the same thing I was doing to her. "How the fuck do I get you out of the dress?" She backed up and slipped the straps off her shoulders and it fell to the ground. I covered my face with my hand, "I think I made that much harder than it was."

She was on me quick, "That! That embarrassed kid thing. God, that makes me hot." She led my hand between her legs, into her panties, "Feel how hot, Nick." I was stunned into silence again as I slid a finger inside her. She was hot and wet. She grabbed my cock again, "Can I make this any harder?"

"I don’t think it gets any harder than it is."

She pulled a condom out of her purse and put it on me. "Then fuck me with it."

I wasn’t stunned immobile this time. I knew where to go from here. I picked her up and turned around, pinning her against the wall. I grabbed my cock and ran it down her stomach toward home, "This what you want, baby?"

She dug her nails into my shoulder, "Yes." She kissed me with what I can only call wild abandon. I bent my knees and shoved myself inside her. She threw her head back against the wall, "Oh god, Nick, yes!"

I grabbed her hands and pinned them to the wall above her head and kept right on slamming into her. I was speechless again. It felt so good and I was having to concentrate not to cum. She said something about harder, wanting it harder. Oh, yeah, baby! I fucked her harder. "Lee, can’t last much longer, gotta cum. Gotta cum hard! Gotta cum bad, real bad."

She struggled just enough against me to make me hold her down, "No Nick, gotta cum good. Cum for me, Nick. I love how you fuck."

That was the end of that. My whole body slammed into her and I let loose a loud cry, "Oh fuck, Lee, fuck, fuck, fuck. So good, fuck." I let her hands go so I could wrap my arms around her and kiss her.

She grabbed my ass and held me to her as I slid from inside her. I buried my face in her neck, trying to get my breathing back to normal.

"I love how you talk."

I smiled as I inhaled the smell of sex around us, "I love . . . you."


	68. Chapter 68

~*~Kevin~*~  
I get it now. "The world’s a little brighter when you’re in love." It doesn’t seem to weigh as much either.

I woke up right at the sun was starting to rise. Smiling. I hugged Tracie a little closer and kissed her eyelids, "Wake up, beautiful. This is the best part of the beach. Besides you."

She opened her eyes and looked at me. I got goosebumps before she even spoke. "I do love you."

No choice but to kiss her, "I love you, too. I want you to see the sunrise." I got out of bed and pulled her up. I wrapped the sheet around us as we headed out on the balcony and sat down on the lounge chair with her in my lap. She laid on top of me with her head on my chest, both of us watching the sun rise above the water. This was great. I think I’m going to like being in love. I sighed.

Tracie kissed my chest, "Are you gonna turn into some big mushy love struck sort of boyfriend?"

I laughed, "I think I’m gonna have my moments. You ok with that?"

"I might like that." She moved her head down just enough to lick at my nipple.

"Oh god, I like that." She kept it up. Not attacking me, but just laying with her head on me lazily licking and sucking me. Like she would keep this up all day.

"I notice one part of you that hasn’t gone all mushy on me." Her hand drifted down and latched onto that part. I ran my hands up and down her back a few times before settling on her hips. I raised her a little and she guided me inside her. She whimpered softly as I filled her, but never stopped licking me.  
That’s how we made love this morning. Both of us watching the sun rise as our bodies moved together slowly. I came, then moved my hand between us until she lay shaking in my arms.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I think I love the beach. Not nearly as much as I love him. What have I gotten myself into? I know all the pressure he feels from the group, the fans, management. I’ve been right there beside him, but now I’ve dropped myself right into the middle of it. I was already in the middle anyway. Now I just get to take enormous piles of shit for being his love. I wonder how long before I get my own website or a nice death threat. Ok, I’m kinda back to "what have I gotten myself into". Shit, but look at him. He’s laying right here, eyes closed with this peaceful look on his face. As peaceful as he gets anyway. His hair is getting pretty long and he looks kind of evil. I like that. A lot. He’s got this way of holding me, of touching me that makes me feel so good. He’s a great friend and despite how much I rag on him about being the "dad" of the group, the perfectionist . . . there is comfort in that. You know he’s gonna bust his ass to make everything all right. To take care of things. To take care of us. Never underestimate the power of trusting that someone else feels as strongly about keeping it together as you do. It’s amazing.  
We headed home that afternoon. He even let me drive the new car. He kicked back and relaxed. I reached over and played in his hair, "What about Brian?"

"Mmm, I was just thinking about that. I guess I’ll talk to him when we get back. See what the fuck is going on. Then Nick. Then figure out how they can talk this through without Nick busting his face."

"No small job in front of you." I laughed.

He shook his head, "I know. I’m very disappointed in Brian. I can’t imagine what he was thinking. I know what he was thinking with. That seems to be genetic."

I reached between his legs, "Lucky me."

He smiled and laid his head back, "It’s all a matter of perspective who’s the lucky one in this couple."

"I’ll leg wrestle you for it. Naked."

"Pretty sure you’d win. Us naked, you wrapping one leg around mine, in the air. I look down, perfect view. Yep, you win."

~*~Kevin~*~  
I carried our bag inside then went over to Brian’s house. He answered quickly, "Damn, you look like hell." His lip and eye were swollen and bruised.

"Frack is stronger than he used to be."

"Yeah, well, he was madder than he used to be, too." I walked in and sat on the couch.

"I’m sorry. I fucked up. I’ve been up all night trying to figure out how to apologize. I gave up trying to figure out why I did what I did. I can’t come up with anything. Thinking with my dick maybe?"

I laughed, "I told Tracie that was genetic. You two need to sit and talk it out. No hitting. When he’s ready."

"Yeah, I know. He’s not gonna trust me again, is he?"

"Why should he? Bri, I can’t believe this. I realize it was both of you, and that Pam is a manipulative little bitch, but you should have known better. You always sided with her. I didn’t know how much. I figure you’re gonna have to prove yourself to all of us. If you would risk that friendship with Nick for a lay, what would it take to betray one of us?" I was being brutally honest. I didn’t trust him. I wasn’t worried about him fucking my girlfriend. I trust her. And I’d kill him if he tried.

"Kev, I’d never betray you guys."

I got in his face, "Brian, you did! You betrayed Nick’s trust and love. Don’t say you wouldn’t. You did."

He sat back and dropped his head into his hands, "You’re right. I did. I fucked everything up."

I sighed, "Yeah, you did. Next week we all fly to LA for a week of promo shit. We have to get it together by then. You two need to find a way to co-exist. At least be able to look like friends and you get rid of the bruises. Do you heal fast?" Lecture over. He knows he’s got some work to do. Time for me to let him do it.

"I don’t know. Never been beat up before."

I hugged him, "Bri, I love you. Stupid asshole that you are."

"Thanks, Kev. I’ll make it up to you all."

"Damn, right. I’m going to find Nick now. Hope he doesn’t deck me for being related to you."


	69. Chapter 69

~*~Lee~*~  
I stopped breathing. He felt it. He didn’t let go of me, "I love you. I don’t want you to say anything. You don’t need to say anything. I felt it, so I said it."

I held on tight. I didn’t know what to say. What to do.

He started singing, "Look into my eyes, you will see, what you mean to me. Search your heart, search your soul. When you find me there, you’ll search no more."

I did a quick search. It’s too soon. This is ridiculous. But . . . dammit, there he is . . . sitting right smack in the middle of heart, my soul. Maybe it’s wanting to take care of him, maybe it’s wanting to be in love, maybe it’s some post-orgasmic thing, maybe it’s that I like how he looks at me, how he treats me. Who’s to say any of that’s wrong? And is there really a time limit here? God, he’s so young and his heart is so open and trusting. He doesn’t have scar tissue. I imagine that someone with a heart like his takes it in stride, realizes that how it turns out isn’t as important as just feeling it. I remember when I used to be like that. Maybe he’s gonna teach me. I pushed him away enough to "look into his eyes". Blue, blue, and more blue. I kissed him, I needed his strength, "I think I’m falling in love with you too."

"That’s more than I ever hoped for."

"Take me to bed, Nick."

~*~Nick~*~  
I didn’t wake up until I heard banging on the door. It was late afternoon. Lee and I had stayed up all night. Very good. I was wide awake when I opened the door, "Good afternoon, Kevin! How are you?"

He looked at me like I was nuts. I was used to that, "I’m fine, Nick. How are you?"

"Excellent. What can I do for you?"

He frowned, "I’m gonna ruin your good mood, we need to talk about Brian."

I shut the door and followed him into the family room, "I figured you’d be the one to start patching this up. Beer?"

"Definitely." We drank a little before he started. "I just came from his house. You two need to talk this out. Preferably before we leave for LA."

"I agree."

He stared at me, "That was easy."

"Pam’s done enough damage. We’ll work it out. Move on."

"You can trust him?"

I laughed, "Hell no! He’s gonna have to earn that back. But we’ll work on it. I mean could you trust him?"

"I don’t trust him. If he did that to you, what would he do to another of us? He’s your best friend. I told him that. He didn’t like it, but tough shit."

I took a long drink, "Ya know, maybe this is a good thing too. I thought I was making the right decision when I left her, but I still felt sorta guilty. The crying and shit. Now, no guilt. She’s a bitch and a fruitcake. Good that I ditched. I’ve moved on to much better things." I felt the smile creep across my face.

Kevin laughed, "When did you grow up?"

"Umm, a few days ago when my girlfriend tried to kill my dogs, trashed my house, and was fucking my best friend." It felt good to laugh about this.

"You get over shit quick."

"Because I don’t have to think them to death, Kevin."

He shook his head, "Something I wish I could learn."

"Your way works for you. Mine works for me. I guess I should call Brian."

"I told him to wait for you, had to be on your terms. Since he’s the jack ass in this. I’m going home." He stood up and headed toward the door.

Lee came down the stairs, "Hey, Kevin. How are you, and how is my girlfriend?"

Now he got a big smile going on, "I am great and she is great. We spent last night at the beach. It was great."

Lee laughed, "You seem to like the world great."

He hugged her and kissed her, "The world is brighter when you’re in love. Bye, bye, bye." He walked out laughing.

~*~Brian~*~  
Nick called me about two hours after Kevin left. He wanted to come over. Shit, that was fast. I wasn’t really ready to deal with this, but like Kevin said, it’s not about me. Nick jumped back a little when he saw me. Guess he didn’t realize how hard he’d gone off on me. Please remember, I know I deserved it. We sat down. Both of us looked at the floor for a long time. "You want a beer or something?" I jumped up, ran to the kitchen, and handed him one. We sat for a while longer, "Nick, man, I realize there’s nothing I can say, but I am sorry."

This time when he looked up it wasn’t anger I saw, but hurt. I think I liked the anger better. "Bri, I never even dreamed you would betray me like that. None of you. But especially you. Lee read her diary so I know how it happened. I want you to tell me why."

I took a deep breath, "This will sound lame. It is lame. Nick, there’s no excuse. No reason. I swear to you . . . I didn’t mean to sleep with her. I guess I rationalized that if she felt better about herself you guys would be ok. She said that I made her feel wanted and desirable. So I fed her ego. I thought. Maybe I was just feeding mine."

"How were you planning on transferring her new found ego onto me?"

"Hadn’t thought that far. I guess I hoped she’d feel better and it would just work. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I wanted you to have someone to love and who loved you. Maybe I wanted it so bad that I didn’t see how wrong she was. I kept trying to make it right. Hell, maybe I just wanted to get laid. It felt good that she felt better that I made her feel good."

Nick almost laughed, "You’re just as big of a fucking sucker as I am. Trying to save the poor weak girl, make her see what she could be. She’s more in control and stronger than we gave her credit for. She works it to get her ego fed, as you say." We sat there silent. I didn’t know what to say and I waited for him. "Bri, don’t think that I don’t blame you for this too. I don’t know how you could do something like this too me, but that’s yours to figure to out. I do know first hand how manipulative she is, and how easy it is to fall into that. But for our friendship, you should have stayed the hell away. She had me thinking I was doing everything wrongand it wasn’t about me. Something is very wrong with her that I, or you can’t fix. In some weird fucked up way I can almost understand how this happened. Because I know her and I know you. Just cause I can almost understand it doesn’t mean it’s ok. I’m pissed at you, and hurt. The whole thing is fucked up."

Now I really feel like shit. "Nick, I . . . I . . god, what do we need, do I need to do to make this right. I’m pissed at me for what I did. I hurt you and I’ve screwed up our friendship. The rest of the guys are pissed at me and you all every right to be."

"I wouldn’t be expecting any of us to let you too near our girlfriends, that’s for sure." He laughed. I was afraid I might never hear that again. "Pam caused enough damage. I’m not gonna let her trash the group or trash our friendship. It’s gonna take some time and you’re gonna have to earn my trust back. You gotta deal with the rest of the guys and yourself."

"Thank you, Nick. I am sorry." I was also relieved. I love this kid like my own brother. What the hell was I thinking?

"You know, she left me feeling like I didn’t know how to treat a girlfriend, that I didn’t do anything right. She was wrong. I’m not gonna walk around feeling sorry for myself and being angry won’t do anything but make me feel like shit. I’m happy, Brian. I want all this gone and done. I’m moving on. I’m choosing to let it go. You need to do the same thing. Learn from it and move on."

I looked at him strangely, "When did you grow up and get so philosophical?"

"Kevin asked me the same thing. I told him a few days ago when my girlfriend tried to kill my dogs, trashed my house, and was fucking my best friend. Give Lee some credit here. We’ve spent a lot of time talking."

"You guys are dating now? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked." Too soon, Brian, you dumbass.

"I told you I want to move on. We get back to normal. Yes, we’re dating. I’m staying there while my house is put back together. That is far as I’m willing to go with that right now. I’m gonna go home now. See you in a couple of days." When we got to the door he turned, "Oh, sorry about your face."

"I deserved it."

He nodded his head, "Yeah, Brian, you did."


	70. Chapter 70

~*~AJ~*~  
I should get laid in this chapter, don’t ya think? Or at least talk a little.

Over the next few days Brian came to Howie and me. Apologizing and explaining things. He didn’t make excuses. Good thing, no excuse for that. I’m pretty confident that any woman who found me attractive, both personality and physically, would not be into Brother Brian. For one, I would never fuck a friend’s girl. Never imagined he would either. Floors me. Glad he and Nick worked it out. More or less.

We stayed away from each other until we met up to get on the plane.

~*~Nick~*~  
"Are you sure you can’t come. This will be fun. I love LA. Wasn’t that a song? I think it was."

Lee rolled her eyes, "You’re a little hyper, Nick. No, baby, I can’t go. I wish I could, but I’ve got a benefit coming up."

"Did you learn that eye rolling thing from Kevin? Ok, I’ll survive. I’ll be back in two weeks. You’ll just miss me and realize how much you love me." I batted my eyes at her. It worked. She laughed then kissed me.

"You’re a nut, Nick. But you’re my nut and I love you."

"I love you too. We can stay in bed a few more hours. Plane doesn’t leave till one."

~*~Tracie~*~  
"Oh, god, please don’t stop!" Kevin’s fingers were deep inside me and his tongue flicked over my clit. He had slowed down to a maddening pace. Prolonging how good this felt. His free hand ran up my thigh and I intertwined my fingers with his. My toes were curled so hard it hurt. I looked down to see him. His long hair was covering much of his eyes and he was focused on what he was doing. I couldn’t tell if his eyes were open or closed. "Kevin, look at me." 

He leaned his face up just enough that I could see his eyes, and the slightest curve of a smile. Lethal combination. He picked up the pace again and kept looking in my eyes. It didn’t take long for that feeling to start and I sunk into the bed. He knows my reactions well and sucked my clit between his lips. The combination of that suction and his tongue is the most heavenly thing. He’d been stringing me along for quite some time and I couldn’t stop the scream as I finally orgasmed. Then complete collapse.  
I felt him kissing his way up my body. I wrapped my arms around him as he nuzzled into my neck. He whispered in that deep voice, "Think you’ll remember me while I’m gone?" I purred in his ear. He perked up, "I heard it. You purred. I get to call you kitten."

"It hasn’t stopped you so far." I pushed him over and climbed on top of him so I could hear his heart beating. I like that.

"Yeah, but you’ve never purred before. A little bit of tongue action will get me some purring? I’m all for that."

I scooted up and kissed him, "Nothing little about that tongue." I sucked on it to prove my point. Got a sweet moan from my lover. "I love that tongue action."

"I would have never known." We held each other for a little bit. "You ok, this leaving thing?"

"Why wouldn’t I be? You’ve gone away before." I rolled off him and traced patterns on his chest.

"Not like this, not with an us." He played in my hair.

I sighed and smiled, "Yeah, I’m gonna miss you. A little more this time. More to miss." I kissed his chest.

"Me too . . . kitten."

I groaned, "I’m even gonna miss you calling me kitten."

I looked up to see him smirk, "I knew it would grow on you. So . . . while I’m away does the kitten play?"

I should have anticipated this conversation. The rules for time apart. He’d neglected to do this with Jessica and got his ass in hot water. At least he was learning. But I’m not Jessica. "Is this really about me playing . . . or you?"

"Both. What do you want?"

Oh yeah, that’s how this works. I’m supposed to tell him what I want him to do. He should know better. Time for a reminder. "Kevin, I love you. I want you. I know what that means to me and I will behave accordingly."

He looked at me a little confused, "What do you mean?"

"I will not tell you that you can’t go out and fuck groupies. If you feel that’s what you need to do, you go for it. You ask what I want? I want you to be happy. If going out and getting blown in a men’s room makes you happy then that’s what I want for you do. I won’t make that decision for you."

He ran his fingers across my cheek, "Tracie, you make me happy. Being with you."

"You make me happy too."

"What happens if I do go out and fuck around in LA?"

I was thinking that I’d cut off his dick. "Nope, won’t answer that one. Like I said I know what this means to me, you have to decide what it all means to you and how you want it to be. I won’t dictate that for you. Your decision."

~*~Kevin~*~  
What the fuck? Why won’t she just tell me what she wants? "Tracie?"

She cut me off, "I don’t want you making a decision for your life based on what I want you do. I want you make that decision based on what you want. With me as a consideration."

I get it now. Damn, woman. I swear, she has always made me think and be responsible for myself. "I will never risk losing you, Tracie. You’re more important than anything. We’re more important." 

The second I closed my mouth I fully understood. If I was stop fucking around I would be giving up a part of my life. I needed to do that willingly, not because someone asked me to. I think that because she wouldn’t ask that of me is the reason it’s not a sacrifice. Not that I begrudged Jessica when she asked me to be faithful, but this did feel very different. I liked this feeling. She would never put chains on me, but I would never go far away because of it. Never betray the trust we had to take care of us.

I kissed her. Long and passionate. I rolled over on top of her and wiggled my knees between hers. I sucked and kissed from her lips over to her ear as I moved my hips against her, "Can I make love to you?"

"So I won’t forget you?"

"Yes."

She kissed me, "Yes."


	71. Chapter 71

~*~Kevin~*~  
Time in LA was busy. We did long hours everyday. I don’t think that people always realize that down time isn’t really down time. They see us going out to dinner with friends. Not always are those friends “just friends”, they’re usually work friends too and talk goes back to work. Especially right now while we’re still in that creative process. I’ll be relaxing or even asleep and an idea will come to me. Next thing I know I’m up at three a.m. putting something down on paper or recording something. This is my favorite part. Even when we start recording I love to be involved in it all. Listening to the other guys, seeing the production come together. When I look back it still amazes me how the little melody that floated through my head wound up being a song on the album. I created it out of nothing. Nothing. Little sleep and lots of coffee.

Little time to talk to Tracie. I miss her most in the mornings and late at night. I’ll wake up and feel this tug. I reach to pick up the phone and remember there is a three hour time difference and it’s only three or four in the morning for her. During the day I don’t think about her unless someone asks me about her. Or someone mentions anything that reminds me of her. Usually we’re pretty focused and I’m thinking music. Most of the night’s we’re out blowing off steam if we’re not working. This is the time I’m thankful for the time difference. I can land back at the hotel in the wee small hours and be pretty safe calling home. Only problem then is that I’m either drunk, stoned, or so tired I don’t always make a lot of sense. She just laughs at me and plays along with where ever I’m going. Sometimes I ramble on about what we got done, sometimes I bitch about not getting my way (imagine that), and sometimes I want some phone sex. Then there are the times I just want to listen to her breathe.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin has called more often than any other time when he’s been away. I’m not complaining. Our conversations are hilarious. Sometimes he makes no sense. He’ll jump from topic to another or maybe he’s falling asleep and loosing his place. I don’t care. I do miss him, but it’s not too bad. One of things that worried me was that one or both of us would change and time and distance would become an issue. As friends we did separation well. We’d talk, tell each other we missed the other and couldn’t wait to see each other, but we never got maudlin about it. I’m happy to report that is still the case. I don’t feel some big empty hole with him not here. I do prefer him home though. If I got a choice, but I don’t. I guess there’s no reason to waste the time we do get to talk with talking about something we can’t do anything about. I told him to call whenever. I’m ok with him waking me up. He won’t do it. Says one of us should get some sleep and he knows it’s not him. The nights when I talk dirty to him while he jacks off are damn good, takes about two minutes.

I go to work, hang out with Lee, surf the internet for rumors, or sit and read in bed. His bed. I don’t want to go to my place. I like it here with his stuff.

~*~Nick~*~  
I talk to Lee a couple times a day. Most of the time it’s a one minute, “Hey, just thinking about you, gotta go, Kevin’s glaring” phone call. I like to hear her voice. Oh, I throw in an “I love you” just for good measure. I want to go home. I’m sleepy, and tired, and I want to sleep in my own bed (or Lee’s), and I want to make love with her. Not over the phone. Although that’s not too bad. Her hand is softer than mine.

~*~Lee~*~  
Nick cracks me up. He calls my cell and talks for thirty seconds and hangs up. I’ve kept all the voice mail messages he’s left when I couldn’t answer. I listen to them sometimes at night when I miss him. I want him home.

Tracie and I spent a lot of time together while they were away. It wasn’t about Kevin and Nick, although they did come up in the conversation. We’d always hung out as friends, independent of them. I asked her one night how she felt things were going, how she was doing. She told me that she thought things were great handling things. She didn’t get that weird friend vs. lover thing as often. Still happened, but both of them were doing good not thinking things to death. She told me about the conversation before he left. Good for her. I don’t pretend to know him all that well, but one thing I know is that he needs a woman who won’t put up with his shit. I define “his shit” as his ego, and how he wants to be completely in control. His wanting her to tell him what she wanted him to do, was both ego and control. I don’t think it’s malicious, it’s just Kevin. It fits perfectly with her ego and her need to be in complete control. She’s not about to tell him what he should do, but would rip his balls off he made a wrong move. They are both self serving. Good thing they both want each other so bad, that it’s self serving to make the other happy. See, a match made in heaven!

I won’t be analyzing Nick and I like that. He is the most wonderful man. He just does what feels good. No fear. Like popping out with “I love you” so quick. I’ve been watching and I think he would rather deal with the consequences than hold in some impulse. I thought something like that would drive me insane, but I love being part of it. I think I’ll keep him.

Three days before he gets home and I am so excited when he calls that I immediately vomit. I didn’t stop for two more days. Tracie showed up at my place with food recommended by Kevin’s mother. And a pregnancy test. “Lee, honey, you said the first time you guys were a little too impulsive. That was four, five weeks ago.”

I just shook my head, “Oh, come on. People try for months to get pregnant and you think that one . . . ok three little sex acts in one night and I’m gonna wind up pregnant. Get real. That only happens to teenagers.”

She just laughed at me, “Humor me. You know I’ll just nag you until you do it anyway, save us both the hassle.”

I ripped the box from her hand, “Fine. I’ll go piss on your god damn stick.” I came out of the bathroom, “You’ve been hanging around that Kevin guy too much, you’re getting his personality. Bossy and naggy.”

“Hey, now, I love that bossy naggy perfectionist.” In five minutes she yelled, “Ding ding ding. Times up.”

I went into the bathroom feeling pretty good about proving her wrong. I came out holding the stick, “Hi, I’m Lee. I am apparently a teenage girl. A pregnant teenage girl. Nick is going to explode.”

“Happy?” I could see her holding back, waiting for me.

“Oh yeah, he’s gonna be way happy.”

“Are you happy?”

I thought for a second, “I’m in shock. Yeah, Trace, I’m happy. Oh my god I’m gonna have a baby. Nick’s baby.”

She let out this incredibly loud “Woo Hoo!” and hugged me. I pushed away and threw up. “At least you know why you’re barfing now.”

~*~Kevin~*~  
The day finally came to go home. I was putting off something. Kept telling myself it wasn’t the right time. Then we were on the plane. I got the guys together, “I need to tell you guys what happened with Jessica.” I spilled it all, up to and including how Tracie came to know.

Nick was the first to say anything, “I’m sorry. God, Kevin. I thought Pam was a nut. Shit.”

The others said basically the same thing. I forgot how good it felt to have support. They didn’t judge, and they didn’t back out. They listened. I really needed that. AJ had been the one to hug me, and that got me crying, “Why in the hell didn’t you tell us this earlier?”

I couldn’t look at them, “Feel stupid. All of you tried to talk me out of it, more or less. And I still can’t quite reconcile the relief that I’m out of that marriage with wanting my damn kid.”

Nick, the new and improved adult version, spoke, “Don’t do that to yourself, Kevin. Remember what you told me. Do everything to make it work then let it go. You did the right thing. She’s a fucking bitch. But if all that wouldn’t have happened you wouldn’t have done all the shit you did that ended up with you and Tracie getting together. The road sucked, but you got home.”

We all stared at him. He was right.

~*~Nick~*~  
I ran up the drive and into the house, “Honey, I’m home!”

Lee came through the kitchen door, “Honey, I’m pregnant!”


	72. Chapter 72

~*~Nick~*~  
My mind exploded. I tried to speak and it came out in this really quiet voice that I barely recognized, “You’re pregnant?”

Lee held up a white plastic stick, “So EPT says.”

I dropped my bag, walked the two steps it took me to get to her and dropped to my knees. I lifted up her shirt and put my hand on her stomach, “My baby? Our baby? In here?”

She ran her fingers through my hair, “Yes, baby, you’re gonna be a daddy.”

I laid my head against her and hugged the lower half of her, “Oh wow, this is fucking amazing. I’m gonna be a daddy.” I rocked back and forth as I thought about holding this little kid, and playing with it when it got bigger. I smiled and jumped up in front of her. “Lee, we’re gonna have a baby.” I was looking right in her eyes and screamed, “Aaaagggghhh!! A baby!” I kissed her hard, “Damn, I love you. Are you feeling ok? Can I get you anything? Should you sit down?”

“I’m fine. I love you too, glad you’re home.”

I took her hand and led her to the couch, “How long have you know this? Jeez, you can’t be more than five weeks pregnant.”

“I found out yesterday. I was sick the last couple of days. Throwing up and Tracie came over and brought food and a pregnancy test. She knew we’d been a little less than careful that first night. Sorry.” She kissed my hand.

Aww, she’s so cute. “What else do you and Tracie talk about? Nevermind, I don’t wanna know. I can’t sit.”

~*~Lee~*~  
I’m assuming he’s happy. Pretty obvious. He got up and started dancing around the room, kinda wiggling his ass and singing, “I’m a daddy. I got a baby. I am the man.” After a couple of rounds of this he really got his ass shaking and then it turned into this violent thrusting complete with arm movements and screaming, “I AM THE MAN!! I AM THE MAN!!”

I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. “That is how this baby got here, all that thrusting.”

He stopped dead and jumped off the chair he’d been “dancing” on. He landed right in front of me, “Are you happy about this?”

I wasn’t as obvious, I guess, “I’m very happy. I’ve wanted a baby. I was a little shocked and first, and it’s so early in our relationship. But I’m trying to be like you, not think, just feel.”

He took me in his arms, “I think this is wonderful. Screw time. I can’t believe this, this is the best thing in the world. Come on, let’s go.”

“Where are we going? You just got home.”

“I know, but I gotta kiss Tracie!”

Off we went. I never doubted he would excited and pleased. In some quieter moments I did think about the group. Nick Carter gets girl pregnant their first night in bed. Maybe he is “the man”. That’s funny.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Where is he? It was fine these two weeks, but these last few hours are killing me. He needs to be here now. I’m gonna do some laundry. I brought the basket of clean clothes through the living room. I dropped it on the floor and jumped a good two feet when I heard that deep sexy voice, “I’m home, kitten.”

Kevin was sitting on the couch with his arms on the back, reclining with his legs spread. He looked gorgeous. Tired too. I walked, calmly, over and straddled his lap and ran my fingers into his hair, “I am so glad. These last 2 hours have been absolute hell.”

He ran his hands up my back and squeezed my shoulders, “I think I broke a record for drive time from the airport to my house. I hoped you be here.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” Deciding to kiss now was a mutual thing. Both of us seemed to want to savor it. Little dry kisses, moved to nibbles and licks, then full open mouthed exploring. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and held on.

He pulled away from me and kissed along my shoulder then nuzzled into my neck and growled before speaking, “I missed you, Tracie. I love you. You make me feel so good.”

I smiled as I hugged his head, ‘I love you too, Kevin.” We stayed like that for a little while. Feeling the other.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I didn’t want to let go. Ever. I have decided that I like the mushy gotta-have-my-girlfriend moments. I also like the she’s-my-best-friend moments, the just-wanna-hold-her moments, and can’t forget the if-I’m-not-inside-her-soon-I’m-gonna-die moments. Best friend time, “I told the guys about Jessica. All of it.”

She sat back, “When?”

“On the plane. Kept putting it off.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“I know that was hard, baby.”

“Yeah,” but her fingers in my hair were doing a good job making it alright, “They were great. I should’ve had more faith in them. Nick shocked the hell out of us. He said “the road was rocky, but you made it home.”

Her head cocked to the side, “What doesn’t that mean?”

“If I wouldn’t have gone through all that I might not have found you. Like this anyway.” I kissed her gently, “I wouldn’t give you up even if it meant erasing all that. I’m dealing with it fine. Just a dull ache every now and then.” Tracie licked her lips and I could tell she was thinking, “Go ahead, say it.”

She took a breath, “Kevin, baby, you have to let go of feeling guilty. You didn’t let the baby down, you couldn’t have saved it even if you stopped her from taking the second batch of pills.”

My eyes filled with tears, again, “What?”

“It wouldn’t have mattered. I did some research. It was already too late, even if you would have insisted on going into the doctors office and found out then it would have been to late.”

“You sure?”

“Positive. If by some chance the baby did live it wouldn’t have been ok.”

I buried my head in her shoulder again, “Thank you.”

“I knew what you were doing to yourself, baby.” She kissed my head and held me tight.

Somehow she knows. She knew I was feeling that, knew how to fix it, and knows that when I’m hurting I need to be held tight. “Now more than ever I am sure I would go through it all again to be here. Talking is over. I need to be with you.”

She knew what I meant.


	73. Chapter 73

~*~Nick~*~  
I sped over to Kevin’s and banged on the door, “Let me in! I know you’re in there!”

“Nick, maybe they’re busy.”

I started to say something when Kevin opened the door. I looked at Lee, “Yeah, I guess so. Nice hair there, bro.” I giggled and pushed him out of the way. I got to the stairs and yelled, “Tracie, get your sweet ass down here now.”

Kevin had on shorts, “She’s not dressed. It’ll take a minute. This needs to be very important. I was just getting started.”

Tracie appeared wearing the shirt Kevin wore on the plane, “It is very important. Didn’t expect you so soon.”

I grabbed her in a huge hug, “I love you! I love Lee! I love everyone!” I started dancing around again.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I started laughing. Lee too. Kevin was a little lost. I hoped he was ready for this. Nick was doing the booty dance, as the fans called it, and singing “I love you! I love Lee! I love everyone!”

Kevin yelled, “Nick, stop, what the hell is going on?”

Nick looked at me, “Oh good, you didn’t tell him!”

I smiled, “I was asked not to for at least another hour so you, my dear, would know first.”

“Thank you.” Nick walked over and kissed me.

“Congratulations, Nick.” I whispered it where Kevin couldn’t hear.

Kevin stood there very patiently. Nick let go of me and hugged him, “I’m gonna be a dad. I know this is quick and I know you’re gonna have feelings with what you told us, but I wanted you to know first. Well, I figured you already knew, since this one is the one who knew first.”

I watched Kevin carefully. He did that great slow smile, “Congratulations, you guys. I’m happy for you.” 

That’s my man.

Kevin hugged Nick, then Lee, then Nick again. Nick put an arm around Lee, “Kev, you ok, I mean today . . .”

He thought for a few seconds and reached for my hand, “Yeah, I’m cool. Before today and the conversation with you guys, and then Tracie . . . probably not. But it’s all fallen into place today.” I squeezed his hand.

“Umm? Mother-to-be here. What are you all talking about? What conversations?”

Kevin didn’t break stride, “Jessica didn’t have a miscarriage. She had an abortion behind my back.”

Lee’s hand flew to her mouth, “Oh shit, Kevin! I’m so sorry.” She came over and hugged him.

He patted her back, “It’s ok. Had to go through that to get here.”

She smiled at him, “Pretty damn good place to be.”

“Damn, right.” We all went into the family room and sat down, “You guys have only been together a month, how did this happen?”

Nick laughed, “Well, Kevin, first the man and woman get naked then he takes his penis . . .”

“I promise he has that part figured out.” 

“Oh, you mean specific to us. Oh, we were a little reckless that first night.”

Kevin shook his head, “Thought that only happened to teenagers.”

Lee and I burst out laughing, “That’s what we said!”

Nick said, “Na, it’s me. I’m surprised these shorts can contain all this manhood.”

I groaned, “Oh god.”

Lee said, “Let’s take all that manhood home and put it to use.”

“Yeah, baby.” Nick stood up and started dancing around the room, “I’m gonna be a daddy, a daddy.” He hugged us and left.

Kevin and I were standing in the entry way, “Now, what were we doing before we were interrupted?”

I took his hand, “I’m not sure. I know that we were upstairs. Maybe if we go back up there we’ll remember.”

“You’re so smart.” I led the way. Once back in the bedroom I pulled off my panties and his shirt, “I think I remember we were naked.”

Kevin smiled, “I remember that you were naked. I was still in these shorts.”

“Let me help you with those.” I pushed them over his ass and his cock sprang up, “I think one part of you remembers.”

He slid his hands between my legs, “Let’s see if you remember.” I felt his finger inside me and shuddered. He pulled out of me, “Feels like you do.” Then he slid that finger inside his own mouth, “Tastes like you do too.” 

I heard myself whimper and the shiver run through me.

He backed onto the bed and sat down. I walked to him and ran my fingers down his cheek. He took my breasts in his hands and sucked my nipple. I held his head, feeling the slight movement as he lavished my breasts with his mouth. I climbed onto the bed and onto his lap. I felt my way to his cock and gripped him. He moaned against me and I began to move along his length. I pushed away and knelt on the floor, kissing down his chest. His stomach quivered, “I know where you’re going.”

I looked up and smiled, “I do too. Right here.” I licked up the underside of his cock and around the head. 

He moaned and leaned back on his hands, “Too long away.” I continued suck him then with him deep in my mouth . . . I purred. “Oh fuck. My kitten.”

I’m indulging him, he’s been gone. Ok, I admit, the whole kitten thing is growing on me. The whole time he was gone I’d find myself slipping into the fantasy of rubbing against his legs, nuzzling his neck, licking him, and curling up in his lap and falling asleep as he pet me. If that’s what it’s like to be his kitten . . . I’m there.

He pushed me away and slid in the floor with me. He moved around behind me and pushed me leaning over the bed. I felt his kisses on the back of my neck as he entered me. I reached around and squeezed his butt. I turned enough to kiss him as he moved inside me, “I love this, missed this. You too.”

I was rewarded with his fingers on my clit. He sucked on my neck, “My fingers now, or my tongue later?”

I laughed, “Both.”

“Greedy little kitten.”

“You’ve been gone two weeks. One orgasm isn’t going to be enough. For either of us.”

Knew he wouldn’t argue with that logic, “Hell no. Baby, you feel so good.”

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie came and her tightness felt so good. I made it last as long as I could before I came. I pulled out of her as she climbed onto the bed. I followed and immediately went down on her. I needed to hear that special way she said my name. The silkiness of her against my fingers and the taste of her on my tongue is one of the best things in my world. And there’s a lot of great things in my world. I got long drawn out “Kevlyn” and joined her on the pillow, “I needed that.”

“You liked it too.” Her hand wrapped around my cock. Hard again. She left my pillow and sucked me. Sucked me good. Damn.

~*~Nick~*~  
We went out to dinner. Her favorite restaurant. She ate like a damn horse. I think it’s too soon for this to be pregnancy related, it’s psychological. After dinner we went to a book store and bought every book that looked mildly interesting. I snuck over to the kids section and loaded up on these chunky books, and the plastic ones, and some cool ones that you touch on. My mind raced through all the things I wanted to do, that we needed to do in the next nine months. While we driving home a big thing hit me. I dumped the bags on the couch, carried her upstairs, and made love to her. Slowly. As I held her I kissed her nose, “Ya know, there’s one thing we need to do before this baby gets here.”

She cuddled up to me closer, “What’s that?”

“We should get married. Lee, marry me.”

She sat up and looked at me, “No.”


	74. Chapter 74

~*~Lee~*~  
Nick’s face looked so sad, “Oh baby, don’t. I love you, but I will not get married just because I’m pregnant. Did we not learn anything from Kevin’s marrying the pregnant girlfriend?”

“This is nothing like Jessica and Kevin. I actually love you.”

I was fucking this up, “I’m sorry. Honey, we all talked about how getting married because of a kid isn’t the way to do it. I believe that. If I wasn’t pregnant you wouldn’t have asked me to marry you now. I love you even more for the thought, but not like this, because of this.”

He got out of bed and came back in about ten minutes, “Ok. I’m selling the house. Don’t want it. Let’s find one together, room for the three of us.”

“You bounce back fast.” I was in shock. In the last 15 minutes I’d been proposed to, said no, and now the same guy wanted me to move in with him.

“Go for the big thing then negotiate. Live with me.”

I smiled, “Yes.”

“I am the man!”

~*~Kevin~*~  
“I can’t walk. My thighs are killing me.”

Tracie put a huge mug of coffee and a plate with breakfast on the nightstand before she jumped back into bed, “I’m sore all over.” She kissed me, “Ain’t it great?”

I grabbed her and threw her to the foot of the bed, “It’s very great.” I climbed on top of her and kissed her, “I love you.”

“I feel thoroughly and completely made love to. You didn’t miss an inch.”

“I take pride in my work.”

“You enjoy your work.” She laughed and wrapped a leg around me.

“I’m a perfectionist. I may have missed an inch. Gonna have to dig deep.”

“Oh, I love deep.”

“I know you do. When do you have to be at work?”

Tracie coughed, “I’m sick. I’m all yours. All day.”

Breakfast let to making love which led to napping. I woke up first. My lady sleeps. It’s funny. She has wrapped herself around my arm. I can’t feel my fingers. They are wedged between her knees. She is the tiniest damn thing. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to break her. I watched her sleep. This had been a day. I feel better than I have in months. I really am happy for Nick. He seems happy, and he deserves some happy. So do I. I wondered there for awhile.

It was getting to be late afternoon when we woke up again. “I need to run over to my place. I left the training manual I’ve been working on over there.”

Did you stay over there while I was gone?” I just assumed she’d stayed at my house.

“No, I stayed here. Curled up around your pillow. Kevin, you called here and got me.”

“Oh yeah. Ok, let’s go.”

I wandered around her place. I saw little bits of her around. Those feminine touches that told me a woman lived here. I didn’t have those at my house. I think I need some. I got an idea.

~*~Nick~*~  
A couple days later Lee and I had found the house. Bought the house. I called the guys and told them to meet us at the address. I threw open the door, “Welcome to our new house.”

AJ looked at both of use, “Moving in together?”

I smiled and hugged Lee, “Yep, maybe another two weeks before we close.” I gave them a tour. It’s right on the beach. I can’t be too far from the beach. Lee liked the beach too, so we’d be good. We could both see the kid playing out there. I think that solidified it. When we could see our family here. Upstairs Lee told them our plans for the master suite. I spun around in the small room right next to our room, “This will be the nursery, not sure about theme yet.”

Lee shook her head, “I want you to do a mural. You draw it all.”

“I want it perfect.”

“It will be if you do it.”

“Hold up!” AJ yelled.

Howie chimed it, “Nursery?”

I was beaming, “I’m gonna be a daddy.”

I don’t think I’ve seen those three speechless all at the same time. AJ’s mouth dropped. Lee and I started laughing. Neither of us taking this personal. Hell, it was a shock. Howie got it back together fastest, “Little Nicky is gonna be a daddy. Shit! Congratulations you two!” He hugged us.

AJ was shaking his head, “Man, I need a drink. The first Backstreet baby is gonna be a Carter? I figured one of us would have a love child first. But not little Nicky. Glad it’s you. Can I babysit?”

Lee glared, “Leave my kids hair alone.” She hugged him and he dipped her and kissed her. Open mouth kissed the mother of my child. “Whoa, what is that about?”

“Never kissed a pregnant woman before. Seems the same.”

I smacked his head. Brian was being quiet. He was still walking on egg shells around everyone. “I’m happy for you. This is great. Thank you for letting me part of this.”

Lee was over with AJ, next to Brian. She hugged him, “Moving on, Brian. Moving on. You had to be here, you belong here.”

“Thank you.” I joined in on the hug. Lee and I didn’t discuss this, but she spoke for both of us. I want to let it all go. This is the happiest thing in my life and I won’t have anything negative ruining it. I know that I still react out of stuff left over from that relationship, but I’m trying. Lee is great with it, she calls them my “Pamism’s”. Kevin has is “Jessicaism’s”. We all have something. Not everyone is as lucky as Kevin and I having women who are willing to help us deal with them. 

~*~Kevin~*~  
I asked AJ for his help with my end of the week project. He pulled his sunglasses down and looked at me, “She know about this?”

“Nope.” I smiled.

“Good for you. Just skip the hassle of discussing it death and winding up at the same place. You got a 50/50 shot of living.”

“I think my odds are a little better. She doesn’t have much stuff there.” I had bought Tracie out of her lease. She was living at my house anyway. AJ and I would go over early on Thursday and decide what went to storage and what went to my house. I thought that I would have a good idea about this, and I had rented a huge storage unit to put the other stuff in. We could go over there and sort through anything we wanted. I wanted to make a statement and make it fast ~ I want you with me . . . yesterday.

The alarm went off at six am. Tracie raised her head and looked at the time, “Why?”

I kissed her and untangled myself from her embrace, “AJ and I have something to take care of this morning. I’ll see you when you get home. Go back to sleep, you’ve got a few hours. I love you.”

She curled back into a ball, “Love you too.”

AJ was waiting when I got there, “I stopped and got coffee.” I unlocked the door, “Let’s move my lover.”

The movers arrived at eight and we had a good head start. Really there wasn’t much left, but kitchen stuff, knick knacks, and some miscellaneous bathroom stuff. She never really had done a lot to make this a home, she talked about getting a house and not wanting to spend the money or time on a temporary place. Looking back over the time I’d known her, she had spent a lot of time at my place. Initially house sitting while I was gone, then with me. I wondered where all her stuff was at my place. I’d never really noticed her things overtaking the place. I’d have to investigate this later.

They were done loading the things to go to my house by 10, and I left with them to supervise the unloading. AJ stayed at Tracie’s old apartment to make sure the rest of the stuff made it safely to storage. A run would have to be made from my house to storage as well. Both of us preferred my bed, the mattress anyway, but I loved her bedroom suit. So we’d tear down mine and it would go to storage. She had these great bar stools at her breakfast bar too. I started unloading the drawers in the bedroom as they moved things in. I had to laugh at how she had taken over drawers, and I hadn’t even noticed. I sat back and thought about it. I remembered opening “my” drawers and finding her stuff, I had blown it off and just found my things. Funny how once I decided to let her in she became such a part of my every day that I never noticed her make her own space within mine.

AJ and I had just sat down with beers when Tracie got home. He had planned on being gone, but she was early. She kissed us both and got her own beer before she sat down, “What have you two been up to all day?”

She had walked right by her own furniture and didn’t notice it, “Moving you in here.”

She had the beer tilted up to her lips and froze, “What?” She looked around and saw little things of hers, then her bar stools. She smiled and I knew I would be permitted to live, “You moved me in here?”

I laid my hand on her leg, “I bought out your lease. What’s not here is in storage. We’ll go over there and sort through, see if there’s anything you want here, and take anything else over there.”

~*~AJ~*~  
I thought he’d get to live. She had that mushy girl expression, “That was your project today?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.” She put her hand over his.

He ran his fingers through her hair, “I want you here, Tracie. For real.”

I expected the next move. She flung her leg over him, sat in his lap, and wrapped her arms around his neck, “I love you.”

He said the same thing then they were kissing. I watched his hands run down her back and settle on her ass, pulling her toward him and holding her there. Time for me to leave. I put a hand on both of their shoulders and leaned right next to their faces, “Glad to be of help. Don’t get up, I’ll let myself out.”

They never broke the kiss.


	75. Chapter 75

~*~Kevin~*~  
After several wonderful kisses I, as usual, needed to check, "I can tell you’re not mad. I didn’t want to discuss it, I just wanted to do it. I hoped that you would be happy. I mean you’ve been living here pretty much."

"I am happy. I wondered if you’d noticed I hadn’t left." She laughed.

I kissed her neck, "I noticed. I can’t figure out where you’ve hidden your stuff though."

"My room." I looked at her funny. "You know, the one that I always slept in before I slept in your room."

"I didn’t even think to look there. I looked in my room."

She kissed my cheek, "You did good, Kevlyn." I stood up and started for the stairs. "Where are we going?"

"To turn my room, into our room."

~*~Nick~*~  
Lee and I moved into the house and got settled in. I was goofy. I knew it. I followed her around like a puppy. I was waiting for her to give me something to do. Ask for anything. Every so often she’d throw me a bone and I’d get to wait on her. Not nearly enough, but it was a start. The guys loved making fun of me. If I wasn’t with her I was calling ever hour or so to check on her. Once I couldn’t get a hold of her by phone, and sent Tracie to go check on her. This is my first kid they need to indulge me.

So much has changed for me in the last month. Leaving Pam was the smartest move I’ve ever made. The guys have been great about not giving me shit. I know it’s pathetic to have to have someone new to break up, but I need someone in my life. I didn’t plan on having sex the first night out, but it happened that way. It’s all worked out good. I’m happier than ever.

"Lee, oh Lee, honey are you home?"

"I’m here. Dammit, Nick, you are such a fucking slob sometimes. Can’t you pick up your dirty clothes? I’m not your mother. I don’t need two fucking kids to deal with."

"What did I do?"

"Exactly. What did you did?"

I turned and walked right back out of the house. I was running really late today. Because she had woken me up and fucked me silly. Then she fucking blasts me.

~*~Tracie~*~  
"Why hello, Nick. What’s up?" He looked mad.

"Fight with Lee. I need to chill."

I laughed, "First fight?"

He dropped on the couch, "Yes. I hate fighting. It’s so pointless. Nothing ever gets solved."

Kevin handed him a beer, "No, with Pam nothing ever got solved. Fighting is a good thing. Holding it in is a bad thing."

"Right, like you two fight."

Kevin and I both started laughing and Kevin smacked the back of his head, "Nick, you’ve seen us fight. We yell and back each other down." I let that sink in a little, "You walked out without fighting back didn’t you?"

He didn’t say anything. Kevin winced, "Bad, Nick. Dude, you have to stand up to her. Fight it out."

I added, "She’s not Pam. She won’t whine and play unfair."

Nick glared over, "It’s not a game, Tracie."

We both laughed again, "Yes, it is. It’s a big game. Remember that and it’ll be much more fun. Fighting is what you do to get to make up sex."

"Don’t be assholes."

I sat down beside him, "Nick, Lee is not Pam. Lee will not throw out that you don’t love her, or are cheating. You have to fight it out to learn about each other and get it out. You know this."

"You’re right. Lee isn’t Pam."

"You need to go home. Work it out. Running away isn’t the right answer here."

Nick drained the rest of his beer and headed toward the door, "She’s gonna thump me for this isn’t she?"

I laughed, "Probably. She’s pregnant. Hormones. And you ran away like a twelve year old. She doesn’t need two kids."

"Did you talk to her? That’s what she said."

Kevin laughed and kissed me, "Na, it’s a woman thing. All us men act like children. We do it so they baby us."

I pinched him, "Pig."

"Kitten?"

"Pig."

"Kiiiiitttteeeennnn."

Nick gave me a quick hug, "I need to leave now. Before the make up sex begins."

A few minutes later the phone rang, "Is he over there?"

I laughed, "No, we just sent him home."

"Running away is not going to work."

"I know."

"Well, he needs to figure it the fuck out." She hung up.

I looked at Kevin, "She’s still pissed."

"Good. He needs to fight it out. He has some unlearning to do. Not that I can talk."

~*~Lee~*~  
I was still fuming when he walked in, "Bout damn time."

"I know. I shouldn’t have walked out. I’m sorry."

"I’m not Pam."

"I know. I fucked up."

"You’re damn right you did!"

"Ok! I fucked up. I’m trying. I came back. I was gone half an hour. Back the fuck off. I’m sorry. I’m back. I’m trying here!"

I almost smiled. He was fighting back. "Fine." I turned to walk off.

He grabbed my arm, "Don’t you walk off now. About the clothes. I was late this morning, because we were fucking and I left them there. I’m sorry. I’m not perfect. It’s gonna happen. and I am not a child."

Oops, I’d forgotten about the wake up call I’d given him. This was all my fault. 

"Lee? Baby, why are you crying?"

"Because . . . because . . . I forgot about that. I . . . I . . . just freaked out."

He walked over and held me in his arms, I could feel him almost laugh, "Honey, it’s ok. I love you."

"Don’t say . . . don’t say . . . that."

"I do love you."

"I know you do. God damn pregnancy hormones. I want to kill you for getting me pregnant." I was really crying now.

"You were there too. I remember you there. You were clawing at me screaming ‘Oh god, Nick, oh yeah, oh god, do me baby, do me good’."

I was laughing now, "I never said ‘do me baby’."

"You didn’t? Ok, maybe you weren’t there. I should go find out who that was. That was some great sex."

He started to move away and I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him back, "I can do better than great." I put my hand on his cock and started to massage him.

"That fast? Fuck yeah, pregnancy hormones."


	76. Chapter 76

~*~AJ~*~  
Today is my day with the women. That sounds better than it is. I’m the chauffeur and package carrier.

Lee is decorating and Tracie is her assistant. Why aren’t Nick or Kevin here? They want "girl time" and to shop without a male point of view. Not sure if I’m insulted or privileged. 

You’ve never really eaten until you’ve eaten with a pregnant woman and her friend who doesn’t want her to feel like a heifer. They ate and ate and ate. Hell, they ate as much as I did. That’s a big deal. We headed back through the mall after they finished grazing, "Damn, Tracie. She’s eating for two so she’ll burn that off. You’re going to have to work out a few hours to burn all that off."

Lee smirked, "Kevin will work her out for a couple of hours to work that off."

They high fived, 

"You two are pigs."

"We’ve learned from the best."

We shopped and laughed. Lee found what she wanted for the house and Tracie found some sex lotion. I guess that’s what she wanted. It was a great day and we were heading out of the mall laughing about a story Lee was telling on Nick, when I spotted her, "Oh shit!"

Lee stopped talking, "What?"

I nodded in her direction. Tracie followed my nod, "Haven’t seen her in long time."

I reached for her, "Tracie, don’t."

Lee grabbed my arm, "We’ll just let her get a little ahead of us. If you go after her it will make a scene."

We let her get a few feet in front of us and kept the distance. She was walking fast until she caught up with Jessica.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I wondered if I’d ever get a chance like this. I had hoped for darker and more secluded, but I’d make do. I caught up with her and put my arm around her shoulder, "Hi Jessica, how have you been?"

She looked a little startled, "Tracie . . . I didn’t think you shopped on this side of town."

"I don’t. But Lee’s house is over here so we’re here. I guess you live over here now." I kept up the idle chit chat as I guided her into an underdeveloped part of the mall.

"I’m back at the same place. How is Kevin?"

What large balls she has. "He’s good. Very good. No thanks to you. I’ve been wanting to talk to you. He told me what happened. Finally. Took a long time. He had a lot of trouble with what you did. But I’m sure that doesn’t surprise you."

"I didn’t mean to hurt him. I still love him. I just wanted us to be happy."

I believe what separates us from animals is the ability to moderate the natural instinct to kill. I was fighting it. I picked up speed.

~*~Lee~*~  
I don’t know what Jessica just said, but Tracie started walking faster and led Jessica into a hallway. This was feeling very familiar. I saw it happening. AJ did too. We tried to stop it. Too late.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Tracie came through the front door and pulled up when she saw me. I saw that she was holding her hand, "Baby, what is it?" She growled at me and walked by.

AJ came through the door, "Hey there, Kev."

"What’s wrong with Tracie?"

He started laughing, "Well, we ran into Jessica at the mall."

"Oh fuck."

"Ms. Tracie has a good right on her, but unlike when you decked her ex, she did bust her hand open. No idea how bad, she’s pissed and wouldn’t let us see."

I ran up the stairs. The bathroom door was closed, so I knocked, "Tracie, baby?"

"Go away. I hate you." She screamed at me.

I tried the door, it was locked, "I know you do. Unlock the door."

I heard a click, "I hate you!" She screamed again.

I opened to door and carefully stepped inside. She had her hand under the faucet, blood washing down the drain, "Oh baby, honey."

"Don’t you fucking touch me. I HATE YOU."

I grabbed a towel and held it in my hands, "Come on. That’s enough. Trust me." I used the magic words. She laid her hand in mine and I wrapped the towel around her, putting pressure all over. "Let me look?" Phrased that as a question, meant it as a statement. I unwrapped her hand and saw the split along her knuckles. It was about an inch long. I winced, "Tracie" and brought her hand up to kiss it, "I’m sorry."

She didn’t pull back, "I have never hit another person in my entire life."

"I know." I felt like shit.

"I hate you." As soon as she said it she leaned into my arms and started crying.

Nothing to do but hold and rock her, "I hate you too."

She started laughing and shoved me, "You asshole, you’re not supposed to make me laugh when I hate you."

"What? I said I hate you too."

"You don’t hate me."

"No, and despite all your screaming, you don’t hate me either. I love you."

I thought that might bring on some more crying. "Kevin, she said she didn’t want to hurt you, she loved you, and wanted you two to be happy. I snapped. How the hell would that not hurt you?"

"She’s a bitch." I hugged her this time, "You’re amazing. Thank you."

"I don’t believe in physical violence."

"I know, but you hit her for me."

"Because I hate you." We were both laughing now.


	77. Chapter 77

~*~Lee~*~  
I was in charge of damage control. Again.

About two hours after the event I knocked on the door. AJ opened it, "Hello, nice to see you."  
"Why are you still here?"

We walked inside, "You had my car, and they are tending to her hand."

I laughed, "For two hours."

"This is Kevin we’re talking about."

About that time they came down the stairs, "I heard that. And why are you still here?"

"I don’t have a car. Had to wait for my ride."

Tracie looked at me, "How is she?"

I sat down, "Damn construction dust can be slippery."

She sighed, "Tell me."

I had to fight the smile, I really enjoyed that Tracie had decked Jessica, "You broke her nose."

AJ and Kevin let out a loud whoop then Kevin grabbed her, "No wonder you busted open your hand."

AJ patted her back, "I don’t want to piss you off."

She glared at him, "She didn’t piss me off. She hurt him."

I smiled. That was right. I knew that feeling. "Come on Alexander, take my pregnant ass home. I’m getting hungry and they don’t have enough food to feed me."

"Oh yeah, Kevin, Tracie ate like a horse. Need to work that off."

Tracie pinched his face, "Consider it worked off, smartass."

~*~Kevin~*~  
Once they were out the door I grabbed her and hauled her back upstairs, "Don’t do it. Don’t get upset. You’re a lover not a fighter. I’ll prove it."

"Evidently I’m a fighter too. Jesus, I broke someone’s nose."

"No, you broke Jessica’s nose. I’m not sure she’s a person. I decked Michael. We’re even."

She didn’t bite my head off, so it was good. We forgot about it for a good long while.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin’s lawyer called today. The annulment papers are going in front of the judge today. He will have them tomorrow and courier them to Kevin. I feel completely lost. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know if I can. He’s withdrawn since the phone call. I know he does that. Always has. I’ve always let him do that, then he comes back. It’s a hell of a lot harder to let him drift inside himself now. He locked himself away in the studio at the house. I paced in front of the door, then made myself go away. I got on the phone, "The annulment papers get here tomorrow."

"That’s great. You’ll be living with a single man." Lee was munching on something.

"Except that he’s locked himself away."

"Harder to watch when you love him."

"I always loved him."

"Different, Tracie, different. What do you need?"

"It to be day after tomorrow?" I laughed.

"Besides that."

"Nothing you can do. I’m gonna stay home tomorrow. Just hang around here."

"Good idea."

I’d leave him alone. Let him do what he needs to do, but be around if he needs me. Well, when he’s ready to talk. I know he needs me.

I went to bed about midnight. Kevin crawled in next to me sometime after that. He curled his body around mine and went to sleep.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Don’t want to talk. I just want to get through the next day. I’ve been waiting for this. I want this. Doesn’t matter, it’s still a failure. Something that is a shitty part of my life. I need those papers. I need what they mean. Freedom, completion. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. It does.


	78. Chapter 78

~*~Kevin~*~  
I was up before Tracie. I hid in the studio again. About seven there was a knock on the door. I knew it was Tracie. I opened the door for her, "I thought you might be hungry."

"Thank you. I guess I am." I sat the plate off to the side and hugged her, "I love you."

She kissed my cheek, "I love you too."

"Have a good day at work."  
"Not working today. I’ll be laying on the couch reading."

She walked off before I could say anything. No guilt at all and I know I’m freezing her out. She is amazing. I need her to be around, but not near me. Not right now. Not yet. She’s a good woman.  
I heard the doorbell around one. Guess they’re here. Tracie will sign for them.

I came out a little after three. The envelope was on the kitchen table. I tore it open and looked through the papers. Same ones I’d signed months ago, judge signed yesterday. I took a deep breath. It’s over. I went looking for Tracie. Found her asleep on the couch with her book on her chest. Moved that. I sat down on the floor and watched her sleep. She stretched and opened her eyes, "Hi."

I smiled, "Hi."

I felt her fingers in my hair, "How are you doing?"

I put my arm across her stomach, "I’m free." She didn’t say anything. I guess she was waiting to see how I was going to go, "Thank you for signing for them, thank you for letting me deal with this on my own, and thank you for being here." I leaned in and kissed her.

"I’ll do whatever you need."

"I know. I needed this to be over."

She kissed me this time, "It doesn’t matter how bad you want it. It still hurts."

"Yeah, it does." I pulled her to me and held on. This is what I needed now, "How would you like to go out to dinner with single man?"

"I’d like that."

The next day all the guys met up at the studio. Nick cornered me at one point, "You ok, Lee told me the papers are final."

I thought for a second and smiled, "I’m very ok."

"Good, I also hear that your girlfriend decked your ex-wife. How is her hand?"

"Healing. It freaked her out. I’m going to kidnap her and take her to the cabin. I’m going to ask her to marry me."

Nick spit his coke out on me, "Holy shit, Kevin. Jumping right back in there."

"Yeah, for the right reasons this time." I wiped off my arm, "You’re girlfriend is pregnant, you going to make an honest woman of her."

"I asked. She turned me down."

"Ouch, I’m sorry."

"Said she won’t get married just because she’s pregnant. She’s right. I did it badly."

"When did this happen?"

"The night I found out she was pregnant. I’ll try later. I’m not going anywhere. I hope that Tracie doesn’t shoot you down."

"My plan is to lock the door and hide the keys. There is no way down the mountain except to walk the seven miles if I have the keys. I’m keeping her there until she agrees."

Nick laughed, "Or kills you."

"I’ll hide all the knives."

We left Friday morning.

~*~Nick~*~  
I told Lee once they were gone. I didn’t want any girl shit to go on. She smacked me for that one. She agreed with locking her in the room and not coming out till she agreed or one of them was dead. We were going to a wedding this weekend. One of the assistants that work with her. We got dressed up and she looked beautiful. She thought she was getting fat. She was. But it wasn’t fat, it was baby. Therefore she looked beautiful. We sat in the back and watched the ceremony. It was a beautiful wedding. As soon as they were pronounced man and wife I felt tears run down my check. I had my arm around Lee and I kissed her. She saw the tears, "Nick, sweetie, what’s wrong?"

I shook my head, "Nothing’s wrong. I can’t wait until it’s us up there."

I watched her face soften and her smile, "Yes, Nick."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I’ll marry you."


	79. Chapter 79

~*~Tracie~*~  
Ah the sweet hills of Kentucky. I can’t lie. I do like this mountain. It’s beautiful. And Kevin. Whoa! He reverts into this country boy. He gets this cute little accent and I swear I would not surprised to walk outside to see him cutting down a tree with a big ax wearing nothing but a pair of cut off denim shorts and chewing on a piece of straw. Now that I think of it, I’d love to see that. Wonder what I need to do to make that come true?

We went into Lexington Saturday morning to visit with his family. I liked them and they seemed to like me. We picked up groceries on the way back and hit a liquor store for some wine and champagne. Kevin said he wanted to cook me dinner. I was very ok with that. He opened the wine and sent me off to sit on the porch. I sat on the swing and watched . . nothing. He would run out and fill up my wine glass. About an hour later he called me in for dinner. He’s a great cook. After dinner he sent me off to the hot tub while he cleaned up. Don’t know, don’t care what this was about. I liked it though.

~*~Kevin~*~  
So far, so good. I like doing things for her. Tonight I have ulterior motives. I finished with the kitchen then joined her in the hot tub with the champagne. She laughed, "Are we celebrating?"

"Sort of."

"Your freedom?"

"And my soon to be lack of."

She made that screwed up dog face, "What?"

I pulled her onto my lap and kissed her. I kept my hands on her face, "Marry me." No quick yes. I didn’t really expect one. "Tracie, I love you. Marry me."

"You asshole!" She stood up and got out of the hot tub. I kind of expected this.

I got out and dried off. Took my time. I thought I’d let her get good and mad before I faced her. I pulled on a pair of boxers, thought I might need some protection, and headed out, "Tracie."

She was right in front of me with her hand over my mouth, "Don’t talk to me." I stood there with my lips sealed tight. I wanted to laugh. I knew what all this was about. I’d scared her. As soon as she realized this and the scared passed it would be ok. She waited for me to get it back together the other day. I’d wait. She walked away from me, still naked and dripping wet, "You dragged me out into the middle of nowhere to fucking ask me to marry you. You asshole."

I did laugh this time, "You called me that already." She hauled back her fist and fired. I caught her hand in mine, "Remember how bad you felt last time you hit someone?"

She yanked her hand away from me, "Well . . . she deserved it too."

"Your cute when you mad and naked."

She looked down and walked off to the bedroom. I guess she grabbed the nearest thing, and came out in my robe. I was more and more convinced that she really hated me. "Dammit, Kevin! We’ve been dating for for . . ."

"About a year and a half."

"Two months."

"A year and a half."

"Two months, you asshole!"

"Technically two months. But really a year and a half. We just didn’t call it dating."

She couldn’t argue that. I knew I’d won that one by the look she gave me. If looks could kill I would be very dead. "Fine. You just got unmarried why in the hell would you want to get married again."

"Nope, not about me. Why don’t you want to marry me?" I’ve never played chess, but this was probably a lot like it.

"You’re a pig."

"You’re a bitch."

"You don’t get to call me a bitch." She had her hand on her hip, very sexy in my robe and all.

"I’m the only one who can call you a bitch."

"Oh yeah, what gives you that right?"

"Because I love you."

"You’re picky, you are difficult, and you want things your way all the time."

"So do you." Still fun.

This witty repartee went on for a long time. She paced and ranted and raved. I sat in a rocking chair drinking wine. "I need to get out of here."

"Nope, we’re here until you say yes, or one of us dies. Probably me."

She walked over and stood in front of me, "Where are the keys, Kevin."

"Hidden."

"Fine, I’ll walk." She headed toward the door.

I got up and stood in front of it, "Baby, it’s dark. It’s cold. And a seven mile walk to town."

"You ambushed me. Kidnapped me."

I smiled, "Yes, I did."

"You’re not even gonna deny it."

I shook my head, "Nope. I’ll never lie to you. We’ve both had enough lies and betrayals to last a lifetime. We’re gonna do it the right way."

Her head dropped, "Damn you, Kevin."

That was my opening. I took her in my arms. She didn’t fight me, "Tracie, I love you. I won’t tell you all the reasons we’re perfect together, you know them all. You’re scared. So am I, but I want you anyway. Forever."

She looked up at me, tears in her eyes, "I hate you."

"Yes, I know. Marry me and you’ll have the rest of your life to hate me."

Her eyes closed and she buried her head against my chest. I love when she does that. I put my hand under her chin and made eye contact with her. I needed it this way, "Tracie, I love you. Baby, marry me."

There were my tears. "Yes."

I kissed away those precious tears, "Thank you." Then I kissed her. I slid my tongue in her mouth, and my hands inside my robe. I dropped it to the floor and felt her body, so warm and soft under my hands. "If you’re done trying to kill me, can I make love to you?"

Her hands ran down my chest and pushed my boxers over my butt, "Yes." I felt her nails scrape against my skin. Her breath against my chest. Her lips.

"That’s two yeses. I may die of shock." I ran my fingers through her hair and licked her neck.

"Just shut up and make love to me." Her hips ground against me.

"Are we gonna fight like this for the rest of our lives?" I leaned down and sucked her breast. Her nipple hardened in my mouth. I played with it. My teeth, my tongue.

"Probably."

I picked her up and laid her on the bed. She sucked my neck and clung to me as I walked, "Good. I like fighting with you."

I slid inside her, quickly filling her. She sighed and wrapped her leg around me. I grabbed it and pulled it up. Filled her more. Deeper. Felt so good. "Umm, god."

Tracie pushed with her free leg and pushed us over. She sat astride me and rested her hands on my chest. I reached forward and used my thumb against her clit. Both of us had a coat of sweat covering us. She leaned back against my thighs. I could see me entering her. See our bodies connected. See me pleasing her. "Close, Kevin, close. Don’t stop."

"Never." I sat up and sucked her breast again, then to her mouth. Kissing as we both came. The intensity increased with our bodies, then slowly calmed as I laid back and took her with me. I kept her on top of me. "You can leave now. Go home."

She nuzzled into my neck, "I am home."


	80. Chapter 80

~*~Kevin~*~  
After we made love, the first time, I pulled a little blue velvet box out of the nightstand and handed it to her. She shook her head, "You’re trying to kill me."

"Na, I’ll wait till after we’re married. Collect the insurance money."

She opened it, "This is beautiful." It was the simplest one of the lot. Elegant. Round stone on a platinum setting.

I pulled out the other four boxes, "See if you like one of these better."

"Kevin? What did you do?" I knew she’d be laughing.

"I borrowed all the one’s I liked. I couldn’t decide in the store. So I’d look at them, then you. Then you, then them."

She opened the boxes one by one, looked at them, closed them and tossed them across the room. I laughed as the boxes flew. She returned to the first one I’d given her, "I want this one. It’s how you see me. I love it."

I pulled it out and slipped it on her finger, "I love you."

"I love you." We kissed then she was laughing, "This was fun. You are fun to be with."

That was something I don’t think a woman had ever said to me. That we’d done something fun, sure. Not that I was fun. If one had, it had been a long time.

~*~AJ~*~  
Nick was throwing a party. He was all up my ass about when Kevin and Tracie were coming home. What am I . . . their keeper. Ok, so I was house sitting. I gave him their expected arrival date and he planned for the next night. I spent the day helping them set up. Meaning that I went shopping for booze and munchies. Lee organized, cleaned and was picky. Nick kept the pregnant one calm.

The party was in full swing when Kevin and Tracie finally got there. Looking very refreshed I might add. I watched them start to work the room. They never stopped touching each other, "You two get trapped in some tree sap in Kentucky that makes it impossible for you to separate?"

Tracie smiled, "No" and kissed his hand that she was holding.

I was blinded, "Shit." I grabbed her hand and looked at him, "Been annulled four, five days? Good boy. Much better choice this time." I pulled them both to the middle of the room, "I brought her into this. I get to do this." I stood in the middle of the coffee table, "Attention all Backstreet Boys, all Backstreet Boys’ passengers and guests. I have an announcement. Remember all those months ago when I brought that cute blonde lifeguard to a party and she wedged herself into our lives, then we all went crazy trying to figure how to get Kevin and her to figure out they were really dating. Then he got married."

I paused to take a breath and someone coughed out, "Mistake."

I laughed, "Yeah. Well, he has corrected that mistake. Marriage over. But, he’s gonna get married again. To the lifeguard."

They were rolling their eyes at me. Typical. Everyone clapped and yelled. Nick knocked me off the table and screamed, "Me too!" He threw his arms in the air and jumped up and down.

Kevin yelled, "You are not marrying my lifeguard!"

Nick threw his hand to his face, "Ooops, nope. I’m marrying Lee. She said yes."

Tracie dropped Kevin’s hand and ran over to Lee and hugged her. Nick jumped off the table and he and Kevin laughed and hugged.

I leaned over toward Brian, "We could make a fortune on the internet off that picture."

~*~Brian~*~  
I was happy for them all. I had been so stupid. I could have missed out on all of this. The rest of the night was kicked up a few notches. Many hugs and kisses were exchanged. When everyone but us had left we sat around the room. It was a time to come together. We remembered that after the big things the core group needed to be alone, to just be. We headed out for breakfast and feasted. I sat back and watched mostly. Being thankful. I watched my best friend with his pregnant fiancée. Watched his concern with every breath she took. Watched when he thought no one was paying attention and would lay his hand on her swollen stomach. He kept his arm protectively around her. I watched my cousin and his best friend. The most right for him woman I could imagine. She was as bull headed and difficult as he was. He needed that to be happy. I laughed as they fought over the last piece of bacon and he let her win. I remember the first night that happened. The first night they met.

Lee and Tracie left when they finished eating. Both seemed to have a great sense of timing for when to leave us to ourselves. That would serve them, and us, well. Nick laughed, "She didn’t kill you."

"Nope."

We were all confused, "Explain please?"

Kevin laughed, "I kidnapped her and hid the keys. I wasn’t going to let her go until she said yes or one of us died."

"I figured it would be him."

"Yeah, she yelled, paced, called me a pig, told me she hated me, tried to hit me." He was laughing, "I figure it’ll be our fifth anniversary before she forgives me for marrying her. I scared her, she wasn’t prepared for that. She likes to be prepared."

"Like someone else we all know and love." I was laughing.

"That would be me. And Nick? How did this happen?"

Nick broke into a huge smile, "We went to a wedding this weekend. Whole time I saw us up there. I told her and she said yes. Now I get it all. The wife, the baby. Everything." We all sat for a minute. "Oh shit, sorry Kev."

"Don’t. That’s all over. I get it all too. With the right person."

~*~Lee~*~  
We knew they needed guy time. And we needed some girl time. We went back to my house. My house with Nick. Bad thing about being pregnant. I was the designated driver. Tracie was a little drunk. Nick hadn’t drank anything either. I told him he really didn’t have to do that, but he did anyway. That won’t last.

"So . . . how did Nick propose?"

"Which time?"

"Pass that by me again?"

"The first time he blurted it out after we talked about me being pregnant. I told him no. The next time he didn’t really ask, but I guess I changed my mind after he started crying at a wedding."

Her mouth was hanging open, "You turned him down."

"Hell yes, I’m not getting married just because I’m pregnant."

"Smart woman. That idea worked out well for Kevin."

"Exactly. I can learn from other’s mistakes. And you were kidnapped to a mountain. He told Nick what he was planning."

"I flipped out. Scared the shit out of me. I’m better now."

"You’re not good with surprises."

She laughed, "I know. They fuck with my orderly little world. He does that all the time. Blows me away. I kind of like it once I adjust, but I didn’t expect that right after the papers were final. Didn’t know if he’d ever want to get married. And I would have been ok with that."

"You know that he’s just the opposite on this one. Once he figures out he’s doing it again, is eventually going to have to trust you to carry his child, and realizes he can’t control that he’s gonna flip out."

"I know. One at a time though."


	81. Chapter 81

~*~Tracie~*~  
“Uh, but we wanna go.” I was using my best whiny voice.

“Please???”, I knew Lee was right with me.

Nick was confused. Kevin was exasperated, “It’s a pick up softball game.” His voice was flat.

“Is there a reason we can’t come? Is it BSB against the Hooter’s waitresses, or Gold Circle strippers? Is this strip softball?” I added a pout.

“I’m definitely going if it’s strip softball.” Lee laughed.

“I don’t get why you wanna go. We don’t even want to go. It’s hot. It’s humid. We’re gonna sweat our balls off and stink.” Leave it to Nick. The idea of them dripping sweat and breathing heavy was just what we wanted to see. Maybe some skin.

Lee played her trump card, “Nick, you’re the father of my baby. You could get heat stroke or something. I want to be there to make sure you drink enough and keep cool. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.” She sniffed for good measure. “We’ll sit on the other side, you won’t even know we’re there.” I was impressed.

Nick wrapped her in his arms, “Aw, baby, I’ll be fine. Of course you can go.”

They headed for the truck and Kevin put his arm around me, “I can’t believe he bought that. What’s your reason?”

Directness has done us well, “I like you hot and sweaty. Doing manly things.”

He rolled his eyes, “Want me chop down a tree or something while naked?”

I smiled at the thought, “I envision jean cut offs.”

“You’re definitely sitting on the other side. Do not distract me.”

Yeah, right. Did I just hear him issue a challenge? “I thought it was just a “pick up” game?” It was the guys, bodyguards, and long time crew against some local recreation team.

“Doesn’t matter. I don’t like to lose.”

~*~Kevin~*~  
It wasn’t no girlfriends allowed. It was “male bonding”. The rec league had females present. We had rented out a field and locked it down. No crowds please. Tracie and Lee started walking away, “Hey, where are you going?”

Tracie smiled, “Over there. We said we’d stay away.”

AJ rolled his eyes, “You don’t have to do that.”

I gave him a look, “Yes, they do.” I wasn’t especially happy about them being here. It wasn’t the distraction thing as much as needing some guy time. Usually they read when that needs to happen and leave us alone. Tracie was a damned expert at reading me. Off today. She took off for the bleachers on the other side. They grabbed bottles of water first. I watched her walk away. I liked to watch her walk. Especially away from me. She never looked back. They sat down and started talking to each other and then to some people around them. She never looked at me. Paid no attention to me. 

I don’t think I like this.

~*~Lee~*~  
“You think?”

“I know.”

We had been watching them. It looked like we were making friends and talking. We were doing that too, but that was just a cover to watch them without them knowing. Men can be so naive.

Kevin took over clapping his hands, “Ok guys, let’s get out on the field and stretch out. No pulled muscles.”

I looked at Tracie, “Control much.”

“I let him think so.” We both were laughing.

Kevin was stretching out his hamstring, one leg bent the other stretching out. Leaning over, butt to us. “Oh that’s good. He’s got nice . . . legs.”

Tracie laughed, “Oh yeah.” About then Nick started stretching out his shoulders. He clasped his hands behind his back, pulled them up and leaned over. Butt to us. Tracie let out a sigh, “Sorry, appreciating the view of Nick’s ass.”

“S’alright. It’s a good ass.”

“It’s a very good ass. Kevin’s ass is flatter. Equally as good, just different. I like a good bubble butt.”

“Me too. Good for grabbing onto during sex.”

Tracie threw her hand over her heart, “Lee! You’re having sex. Oh no, oh no. I am so disappointed. Before marriage.” She dropped her head into her hands.

I laughed, “Yeah, you got room to talk.”

“I’m not pregnant.”

“Good point.”

Kevin was clapping his hands again, “Hey, everybody, come on, let’s get going.”

~*~Nick~*~  
I bet money they are laughing at Kevin. Nothing like a little “non-competitive” game to get Kevin kicked into instant asshole mode. I like Lee on the other side. I can look at her from the bench. Wish I’d thought to bring binoculars. We were first at bat and I sat next to Kevin, “Are you watching?”

“No.”

“Why not?” He’s crazy.

“I’m concentrating on the game.”

“You can see the girls perfectly from here.”

“Nick, mind on the game. Not your dick.”

How can I be expected to do that? Lee is over there in shorts and tiny t-shirt. She’s just starting to get a tummy bulge. My baby.

Third inning. No score. It’s hot. Lee is fanning herself. Tracie has just pulled her hair up and it holding it on top of her head with her hand. Guess who’s mind is now on his dick?


	82. Chapter 82

~*~Tracie~*~  
"Damn, it’s hot." I pulled my hair up and held it as I fanned the back of my neck.

Lee was fanning too, "They need to be taking off some clothes."

"You need to tell me where Nick got those baseball pants. Kevin needs a pair." I couldn’t help but be drawn to the laces on the front of Nick’s pants. They gripped his lower body like a glove. He wore an over sized sleeveless black t-shirt that gaped around his arms. He has an annoying habit of holding his arms in the air and you can see in the armholes.

"Nick has on a tank top under that. The shirt needs to come off. I love the laces on those pants." She popped an ice cube in her mouth and sucked. I noticed Nick notice.

"He is watching. He sees what you just did."

"Kevin has been watching since you pulled your hair up."

I took an ice cube and ran it along the back of my neck, "That feels good."

"You are a bitch." We were laughing as Kevin shifted uncomfortably. He had gone for the baggy look. Baggy black knit shorts, and a huge UK basketball jersey, tank style. He had his now long hair in a ponytail. The bandana on his head needed to go. He’s nearly 30 not 13. I’d take care of that. He bats right, so he faced us at bat. The concentration on his face was sexy as hell. He can focus and hone in on his target. I had watched this through all his bats. He got some good hits and I had to remember that I wasn’t there. Wanted to jump and cheer. Nick looked damn sexy at bat too. He bent over a little more and the look on his face was killer, "Damn him!"

Lee stretched her legs down the bleachers. "Strike one!" Ooops, Nick was distracted. Meanwhile, Kevin was leading off a little far and got tagged out. Seems he was looking at me and the ice cube.

When "our" side was at bat we cheered and whistled.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I was playing first base and Nick was at short-stop. I walked over to Nick between batters, "What the hell are they doing?"

"Cheering for the other team. You said they had to go over there. Idiot." He walked away.

I kept an eye on her. She really should stop piling her hair on her head like that. That little tank top she has on leaves nothing for my imagination. Her arm up, holding her hair just screams, "look at my breasts". So I do. I swear I think she smiled at me as she walked off in the direction of the bathroom.

That’s ok, I get to watch her walk away. When she came back she stopped behind the bench and talked to the other team. Lee joined her. They’re getting a lot of attention.

Nick walked over and shoved me, "See what you went and did! Paybacks are hell, idiot."

"That’s twice you’ve called me and idiot, can you stop now?"

Our turn at bat. AJ walked up, "Which one of you idiots told your fiances to sit on the other side?" Nick stuck his finger in my face. AJ laughed, "They’re snaking you."

Two can play this game. Or four.

I grabbed two big bottles of water and walked over to Nick.

~*~Lee~*~  
"Bastards." Nick and Kevin stood there talking to each other and drinking water. Nick bent his head forward and poured the water over the back of his head and neck. I dug my nails into Tracie’s arm. Had I turned my eyes off the boys I would have seen Tracie biting into her lip as Kevin pulled the bandanna and ponytail holder out of his hair and lay his head back. He poured the water over his face and ran his hand through his hair. Nick dropped the bottle and used both hands to shake the water from his hair then slick it back. Kevin untied his bandanna and used it to wipe down his face then his biceps. I heard Tracie sigh and looked at her, "Now what do we do?"

"Nothing. What we’re doing is working." Kevin handed the bandanna to the bat boy and sent him over to us. Tracie took it and tied it in her hair. She smiled and waved as she sat back down on the bleachers and started digging through her purse.

I sat beside her and she handed me a lollipop. I laughed, "You came prepared."

"Na, Kevin loves these so I keep a few handy."

"For him or you?"

Evil grin, "Both."

Kevin hit a home run this inning. I figure he’s taking out his frustration on that poor defenseless ball. After he ran the bases he took of the jersey revealing a white tank. It was Tracie’s turn, "Bastard."

~*~Nick~*~  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Kevin was pulling at my shirt.

"Take that off."

"I didn’t know you cared." I batted my eyelashes.

"Do you want to win this game or not." He glanced over to Tracie and Lee. Again they’re at the fence flirting. Sucking on lollipops.

I shook my head, "You sending over your sweat rag has backfired on your ass. Idiot. All women always win this game. Our dicks get hard and we lose any advantage we may have had. The only thing left is to go animal and carry them off. Now if you would please stop fucking with her we can finish the game without getting too embarrassed. Maybe you want to bat with your cock, but I don’t. Stop it!"

Kevin went back to first base and behaved himself. Three outs later he walked behind the opposing team’s bench and took Tracie and Lee by the hand, "Come with me, ladies." He walked them over to our side and sat them on the bench. He put Tracie’s hand on his crotch as he leaned to kiss her, "I’m sorry. You win. We’ll continue this later."

I dropped to my knees, put my hands together and looked up to God, "Thank you."


	83. Chapter 83

~*~Nick~*~  
It was much better with them on our side and cheering for us. They did this cute little dance when one of us hit or came home. They’d jump up and cheer, then turn around and shake their butts. It was much better to sit on the bench than to be the one being cheered for. Closer view and all. We won. Kevin was happy. Sometimes it is all about keeping him happy.

I walked over and hugged Lee. It is impossible for me to hug her without then putting my hand on her belly. It’s like I tell her "hi" then our baby. She usually puts her hand over mine and kisses my cheek. I’m ready to do this. Be a husband and a daddy. AJ wanted to go out and celebrate. I didn’t. I gave Lee a look and she shook her head, "Sorry, AJ, I’m tired. The heat and this baby has done me in."

AJ kissed her cheek, "I’ll run you a tab for parties you back out of. Take her home, Nick."

I apologized and put my arm around her to go. Once out of ear shot I smiled, "Thank you. We need to be alone." I kept her hand in mine as we drove home, "I loved watching you today."

"Didn’t drive you mad?"

"Nope, sorry. Kevin acting like an idiot was distracting. I did notice the ice. What you and what Tracie did. Wanna try that at home?"

"Boy, it’s hot. Get home and ice me down."

I hope the strings holding my pants together are strong. Nick Jr. is restless and wants to play. I pulled in the garage and jumped out, "Go upstairs and get naked. I’ll get the ice." We have a machine that makes those half oval things. I was planning as I headed upstairs.

Lee was already in bed under the sheet when I came through the bedroom door. I smiled and ripped the sheet off. She didn’t move to cover herself. I took off my shirt and threw it in the corner. That’s when Lee sat up and began to unlace my pants. She couldn’t just loosen the laces, oh no, she had to pull the string through each and every hole. Her finger would brush against me then I’d feel that string sliding against me. A tickling friction that moved along me. I was moaning. She pushed them over my ass and I kicked them off. She ran her finger along my cock and kissed the tip on me. I swear I felt her tongue teasing me. Barely. I laid her back on the bed and took a drink of the ice water before climbing over her. I went straight for her breasts. I had that piece of ice in my mouth. I let it touch her skin as my mouth came closer to her. My tongue then lips with contact her as I slid the ice back inside my mouth and moved to the next spot. I rolled the ice around her nipples, holding it between my teeth.

"Nick, oh dear god." Her hands were in my hair. Don’t know why. Not going anywhere.

I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked her. She has great nipples. The tighten up and I love to play with them. The ice in my mouth went everywhere. I sucked like I wanted to draw life from her. I did draw my life from her. She got so tight with that ice. I moved to the other and pinched and pulled the other. I could feel her wiggling and squirming underneath me. Her hips moving all around. "Hang on, baby. I promise I’ll make it down there." I did too. I left little ice kisses over our baby, in her belly button, then spread her legs to me. My finger ran from our bed straight up to her clit. She shuddered, and I liked that. I pushed on that little spot then used my thumbs to completely open her to me. So pink, and I could see she was wet. I was about to add to that. I brought my mouth to her and held the ice between my teeth. I touched it to her clit and she sank further into the bed with my name leaving her throat. I did that a few times then slid the ice into my cheek and tongued her. I love to get her squirming around on the bed. I got an idea, and the ice was distracting me. I slid down and tongue fucked her. She gasped and I figured that was because my mouth was so cold. I moved the ice and used my tongue to slide it into her then used my finger to keep it there and to pump inside her as I went back to work on making her cum for me. She pulled her knees up and raised her ass so she could work herself into my face. I loved that. I had to work at keeping up with her and it didn’t take long for her tighten around my fingers and scream out for me. I pulled my fingers from her and saw a tiny piece of ice fall to the bed.  
I wanted to be in there. I moved up her body and slid my really really hard cock inside her, "Woo, that’s cold."

Lee wrapped her legs around me, kissed me for the first time then held my face in her hands, "Warm us up, Nick."

"Love too." I began to thrust inside her. Cold and slippery. Good for a change, but I think I like warm and slippery better. It didn’t take too long before I was back into warm and slippery. God, what that woman does for me. I rolled us over so I could watch her ride me. I wanted to suck on her again. She settled in and took over the rhythm as my arms wrapped around her and my hands massaged her back before settling on her ass. I sat up and sucked her. Something about feeling her nipple harden in my mouth really gets me off. I sucked her deep as I felt myself getting closer and closer to cumming. I moaned around her and bit down as I came, both of us screamed then fell on the bed.

I kept her close to me as I recovered. I grabbed her ass and she looked up, "Yes, dear?"

"Marry me."

She screwed up her face, "I already said yes to this."

"I mean now."

"Now?"

"Next weekend."

She sat up, "Can we do that?"

I laughed, "I’d say that’s up to us. I can do it."

Her face softened into the sweetest smile, "I can do that."

"Just us, the family. On the beach."

"I can do that. I love you, Nick."

"Baby, I love you." She kissed me and we held onto each other.


	84. Chapter 84

~*~Kevin~*~  
We were going to the party. I held her hand as we walked to the car, "What were you doing today?"

She didn’t break stride, "I believe I was being a tease."

Snooty voice. Umm? "I believe the correct term is prick tease."

"I did nothing to your prick. You put my hand on your prick."

"Oh my love, you did a lot to my prick."

She reached over and barely brushed against my prick, "I could do a lot to your prick." I screeched the tires as I made a U-turn, "Fuck Kevin, what are you doing?"

"Our house is this way."

"What about AJ’s party?"

"Not going. Going home . . . my little prick tease."

"Trust me, your prick is not little."

I smiled and reached over between her legs. I rubbed her and she spread her legs for me, stretched out and laid back. All the invitation I needed. I slid my hand into the waist band of her shorts, into her panties, then . . . into her. Just one finger. "I see, well feel, that your teasing affected you."

"No. You affected me. That whole water thing was not nice."

I pulled my finger out of her and began to slowly massage her clit, "Ah, so I do have an affect on you. Don’t answer, just enjoy the affect I’m gonna be having on you for the next five or so minutes."

She did moan, "Oh baby, it’s not gonna take that long."

It’s pretty damned amazing I didn’t wreck the car. Tracie had a death grip on the door handle and her other hand fisted in my hair (which I liked a little too much). I kept going from watching the road to watching her face. I didn’t want this over too fast, so I’d move from her clit to feeling inside her. Kept her squirming all the way home. I don’t think she even noticed when I pulled into the garage. That’s when I went back to pure focus on her clit. If I create it, I wanna watch it. I moved over and kissed her, "Baby, where home. Cum for me. Loud."

I learned a long time ago that if you tell Tracie to do something she’s gonna do just the opposite. She hates to be told, sort of like . . . me. This is the area where that rule does not apply. For either of us really. We give it up during sex. I stayed close to her ear, "God, Tracie, I can smell you. Do you know what that’s doing to me?" My other hand checked myself out. Hard. No surprise.

"Don’t stop."

"Not a chance." Her hand reached over and grabbed my cock. She didn’t move, just held onto me. She was going over. Her breathing got intense and she got loud for me. Screaming my name and squeezing the fuck out of my cock. Felt good. I kissed her as I pulled my hand out of her pants. "Let’s take this upstairs." I kept eye contact with her as I licked the taste of her off my fingers, "I love the taste of you."

"Upstairs . . . Kevlyn." She was out of the car and in front of me, "I feel a little weak."

"I wanna make you feel a lot weak."

She stopped and turned on me. Quickly her tongue was in my mouth and she was feeling me up again, "I don’t want to make love. I want to fuck."

I felt dizzy, all the blood left my brain, "Alright."

"Think you can do that? Fuck me?"

"I want to fuck you. Everywhere."

We headed up the stairs. She walked backwards and kept her hand rubbing me, "Geographically or physically?"

"Physically."

We made it into our bedroom and she pulled my shirt off me, "You can have me. Anyway you want me." She dropped to the floor taking my shorts and underwear with her. Seconds later her sweet mouth was wrapped around me. I watched as she sucked me. Love to watch my cock disappear into her mouth.

"Tracie, baby, I love you. I need to be inside you. Gotta fuck you." She pulled away from me and I heard myself groan at the loss. I pulled off her shirt as she dropped her shorts. I pulled her against me and sucked her tongue as I undid her bra. I decided I needed to suck her breasts first. Backed her up to the bed as I sucked with her hands in my hair. She collapsed on the bed. I took her other breast in my mouth and my hand went lower. Fingers back inside her, "So hot and wet." She ran her hands over my shoulders. I kept pumping inside her as I kissed her again. Her hand found my cock again and began to work me. "On your knees, baby, I wanna see your beautiful ass as I fuck you."

"Oh god, you better fuck me hard or I’m gonna rip you up. I need you."

She is trying to kill me. I’m being "commanded" to fuck her hard. Oh, I like that. And if I don’t she’s gonna take over and fuck me hard. I don’t see how I lose this one. She got on her hands and knees and I ran my hands down her body and parted her to me. I fought the urge to get another taste of her, bury my face in her. I quickly entered her, all the way. She cried out. So did I. I drove in deep and stayed there. She tightened around me, "I want you, want to fuck you, baby. You feel so good. You make me so fucking turned on." I ran my hands all over her and I started my movements. Hard, fast. On the edge of out of control. Got there quickly. I guess my need was greater than I thought. Soon enough I was holding onto her hips pounding away to the sound of both of us. Moaning, groaning, and talking to each other. I caught myself. I’d had my eyes closed enjoying the feeling. I opened them and looked around. I was drawn to watching me slide inside her. I could see the wetness on me. I felt up her ass, "I fucking love your ass."

With out a thought she said, "Kevin. take me."

I leaned over her and sucked on her neck as I dug through the nightstand. Bingo! She’d said ok, I wasn’t gonna ask. I stopped thrusting, but stayed inside her as I stuck my finger inside her ass, "Tight, oh fuck."

"Tell me what you want, Kevin. Tell me."

I added another finger and moved inside her. I could feel my cock filling her and pulled out a little, "Want to fuck your ass, baby. Gonna fuck your ass." We hadn’t done this before. Both had before, just not together. For some reason I remembered the conversation where I asked about anal sex. Her response had been, "Hell, yes." I wanted to show her hell yes. Slow deep thrusts of my cock matched my fingers inside her, "You ready?" I could feel her loosening around my fingers, I could get in there with hurting either of us.

"Yeah." I slid out of her and rolled on the rubber and lubed myself. I started pushing against her, felt her pushing back, and watched my cock disappear into her body. "Shit, Trace. Squeezing the fuck out of me."

Her breathing was tight, "Keep going, baby. Don’t stop."

I kept hold of her hips until I was deep inside her, "I’m in, baby. You ok?"

"I’m fine. Fuck me, Kevin."

"Trace, you’re killing me."  
"I want you to kill me."

"Oh shit." I started moving inside her. I wish I could explain the ass fucking thing. I can’t. Feels different. Involves trust. The sounds of us fucking and watching as I moved into her got me all fucked up. I grabbed her hips again and started slamming into her. Somewhere along the line I lost control and was in this only for me. She was just a way to get there. I heard someone growl then I shoved my cock hard and deep as I came. Shaking. I had to stop all movement to get my shit back together. I pulled out of her and she rolled over on her back. I fell onto her and we attacked each other again. Mouths kissing and sucking and biting. My hand squeezing her breast, her nails in my skin.

As quick as the attack started I stopped it. I backed up and smiled at her as I went down on her. Finally I was gonna get to taste her.

~*~Tracie~*~  
This was good. Feeling him inside me everywhere. I wanted to fuck. Fuck hard and we did. I knew everything I had was going to be sore tomorrow. He had worn me out. If I was lucky he’d wear me out more before the night was over. We’d never had anal sex. Just never gotten there. Tonight it felt perfect to go there. It felt perfect holding him inside me. He’d gotten a little lost in it and that made it even better.

He went down on me. Smirking all the way. God, he was back in attack mode. His mouth sucked at me almost viciously and I felt his fingers go back inside my ass. I was fighting to get closer to him, to take him further into me. He fucked me with his tongue and I was already screaming. He was everywhere. I couldn’t have gotten away if I’d wanted too. I didn’t want too. I wanted it all. I grabbed his head and pulled him up a little, "Suck me, Kevin. I need to cum. Make me cum all over you."

He didn’t tease, he did as I asked. I swear it was seconds later and I was screaming, "Oh my fucking god! Oh god. Oh god. Oh . . . Kevlyn."

As soon as I quieted down I heard this deep sexy voice coming from between my legs, "Yes, kitten, something you want. Something you need."

Man, I could feel the tears coming. The physical pleasure had been intense, our pet names, and that voice. It was getting to me, "Just you, baby. Just you."

"You got me." He pulled his fingers out of me and I heard myself squeak as I winced. He got up to me, "Did I hurt you, baby."

"Nothing I didn’t want. Just a little sore. Felt so damn good." The tears came.

Kevin was used to this, knew it was a good thing. He wiped them away with his kisses, "I love you, kitten. Love you forever. Gonna marry you, make you my wife. Forever."

I sighed into his kiss. That’s all I could ever want.


	85. Chapter 85

~*~Nick~*~  
I called mom first. I wanted them here. All my family here to watch as I married the love of my life, the mother of my child. She shot me down. She said that Aaron needed to be in California. I didn’t know what to say. Usually I can fight back. I think maybe I was too in shock to come back with anything. Lee watched me go from excited to silent. I told her what happened and I watched her bite her tongue. Screw it. I should have expected this. Why did I let myself think mom would approve of anything I did? I just never imagined she’d keep Aaron and the others away.

Next, call my other family. Kevin first. As soon as he answered the phone I felt scared. I was suddenly afraid that everyone would react the way mom did, "What are you doing?"

He laughed, "Enjoying some post sex cuddling."

I heard Tracie in the background, "That better be Nick or AJ."

"It’s Nick. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much." I stammered.

"Then why . . ." I could almost hear a light bulb go off, "What’s wrong?"

I didn’t say anything for a long time. Aw, fuck it, "What are you guys doing this weekend?"

"No plans, what’s up?"

"I am getting married. I want you there. . . please?"

"Jesus, Nick!" He yelled, "Of course we’ll be there. No way in the world we’d miss that. Congratulations, little brother. Tracie, Nick and Lee are gonna get married this weekend."

I heard Tracie shriek in the background then on the phone, "Nicky! Oh god, I’m so excited. Let me talk to Lee. No, I’ll call her on the cell so you two can keep talking. Anything you need we’ll do, just let one of us know. This is great! Bye. I love you."

She was gone before I could say thanks. Kevin was back, "She’s crying."

So was I. This was how it should have been when I called home.

~*~Lee~*~  
I was pacing around the living room when I heard the cell ringing. Kevin’s number. "Hello." It was a shrieking banshee. Oh no, just Tracie.

"Holy fuck, Lee. This weekend. I’m so psyched. Tell me what you need. What can I do"

"Kill Nick’s mother."

"Umm, ok. In-law trouble already."

I took a deep breath, "He called and invited her and the siblings. She said Aaron needed to be in California. No, he doesn’t. She’s just being difficult. I can’t believe that she is keeping the kids away from this. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but she needs to get the hell over it. I’m carrying her grandchild. Don’t fuck with my baby birds. I know Nick was her baby bird first, but she doesn’t get to be a complete bitch. Her oldest is getting married and gonna be dad for god’s sake. You would think she could fly their little asses out here for a day to see it. But no . . . that would disrupt her little world. Probably just pissed that she doesn’t get to run this. We’re not doing a big publicity thing that her little money makers can be seen at. Just family. Screw her. Damn her for keeping the kids away. I bet she doesn’t even tell them. Dammit." I started laughing as I realized my little tirade, "Sorry. I should breathe more often." Silence on the other end. "Trace?"

"Yeah, I’m here. This isn’t right. Don’t let it ruin it. I think I may not like her very much. Maybe she’ll realize she’s being a bitch."

"I hope so." We talked about the wedding. I got all excited again. I will be damned if she’s gonna ruin my wedding.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Nick told me about his mom. She can be so damned difficult. I know that us there is great, but it’s not his real family. I’d be crushed. We talked for a while and he went off to tell the others. I have no worries that they will all react like I did. This is great. The first Backstreet wedding done in love.

I had a phone call to make. I had to find my book then dialed. Tracie came flying through the door with this determined and pissed look on her face. I waved her off and kept talking, "Jane, it’s Kevin Richardson, how are you?" Tracie kissed my cheek and sat down on the bed to listen. This isn’t the first time I’ve made a call like this. I realize it’s not my place to get in Nick’s family business, but this is different. Thirty minutes later I was booking a flight to California. I was going to fly in and pick up the kids and escort them back to Florida for their brother’s wedding. I had also succeeded in getting Aaron on the phone. I told him Nick was getting married and he was just as excited as I thought he would be. Good. I knew that if I could talk to Aaron he would make it happen. I would be there to make sure nothing made them late and miss the flight. I’ve had practice with Jane’s passive aggressive ways.

I hung up and was tackled, "You are fucking amazing!" I would have said something, but I had an extra tongue. Not that I’m bitching. "Amazing. You are the best. I love you. Incredible."

I laughed, "It’s just Jane pouting. The kids will be here. Can’t promise that she will be."

"You laid on some serious guilt. You’re good."

"She responds to guilt. I’ve guilted her before. I don’t want Nick to know. This will be part of our wedding present." I ran a finger down her chest and circled her nipple.

"I love how you think." Her hand went to my dick, "Ready for round two?"


	86. Chapter 86

~*~Nick~*~  
Everyone else was excited. That felt great. I tried to stay there and not think about the people who would be missing. It stung. Lee knew when it was getting to me and would just hold me. That made it better. I had the two of them.

Thursday night was party night. AJ’s house. Everyone we knew who was able to get there was there. People would be passed out all over by morning. They guys planned this and I didn’t get why we didn’t just do this after the wedding as a reception, but Brian told me that having a reception with a bunch of people who weren’t at the wedding would be weird and the reception should be just us. That made sense. Lee didn’t care, she was too happy to worry about those things. That made me very happy.

Let me tell you what a fantastic bunch of friends I have. They had things covered. AJ made sure to let everyone know that they couldn’t smoke in the house and set up a smoking area outside. He also policed it and made sure that everyone didn’t stay outside to party and smoke. It was too humid for Lee to be out there too long. He didn’t want our party to be away from us. Everyone was drinking but Lee and I. Once most people got there the guys were going to toast us and they all (with Tracie) started around with trays of sparkling cider for the toast, so Lee could drink too. Everyone let Lee cut in line for the bathroom. Everything was done without a word or an argument. Like this is what happened everyday. Really, I guess this stuff did happen everyday. We took care of each other. Sometimes it was a quiet thing, other times if involved yelling. I was really touched by the little things that happened that showed they had us in mind.

That doesn’t mean that everyone didn’t get out of control. The others still got drunk and stoned. Just not near us. It wouldn’t be a party without watching Kevin and Tracie fight over some food.

I wanted to spend the next day with the guys. Lee and Tracie were going to do the whole girl thing and spend a day at a spa. I wanted to spend the day out on my boat. We headed out pretty early and Kevin apologized for needing to leave around noon. Great. Now he’s ditching me too.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I felt like shit jumping ship like I had too. I could see he was hurt. Getting his brother and sisters there was more important. My plane left at one. The other guys knew what I was doing and would cover for me. I held off as long as I could, but it would be the middle of the night before we got back to Florida and I wanted the security of another flight in case Jane pulled a fast one. My hope was that Aaron would keep that from happening. I’d sleep on the plane.

~*~Tracie~*~  
I did a great job keeping my mouth shut. It was a fight. I knew my baby was off to get them and I wanted to tell Lee, but we’d agreed we wouldn’t. She didn’t even know Kevin was gone. Thought he was on the boat with the others.

~*~Brian~*~  
I thought what Kevin was doing was the best. Nick was obviously a little down about Kevin leaving his "last day as a single man boat party". We tried to keep things light. It didn’t have as much to do with Kevin as it did his mom. He was doing a run farther out into the ocean and I went up on the fly bridge to talk to him, "You know he wouldn’t leave if it wasn’t very important."

"No big deal, Brian."

"Sure it is, Nick. I need you to trust me. He didn’t want to leave, but this is for you, and he has to do it now. He didn’t have a choice."

Nick smiled, "Is he getting me a present?"

Such a damn kid, "Yes, Nick, he’s getting you a present."

"What is it?"  
"It’s a surprise, Nick. It’s for the wedding."

He cheered up immediately, "Ok, cool, I love presents. It must be good. Will Lee like it?"

"I think so. She’ll probably kiss him." I was laughing.

"Not my wife."

The rest of the day was good. We skied, tubed, and sat around talking. Very good day.

~*~Kevin~*~  
No delays so far. I rented a car and headed out to the Carter’s. My mind was racing by the time I got there. If she screwed this up I was going to hurt her. I’d figure out a way to make it work, but dammit if that made me late for this wedding I’d really hurt her. I pulled into the driveway and the front door flew open. Aaron was flying to me. He jumped on me and hugged me, "Does he know we’re coming? I can’t wait to see Lee. Is she getting big and fat yet?"

I laughed, "I wouldn’t call her fat. She might kill you."

Aaron was a good kid. Thank god he had Nick to mediate the shit his mom fed him. "We’re all ready to go. I didn’t let anyone leave the house all day. No chances."

We walked to the house. Jane was holding open the door, "Good flight, Kevin."

"It was fine. I slept most of the way."

"You’ve always done that. How are things back in Florida?"

I’ve never truly understood Jane’s relationship with Nick. I don’t get some of the things she does, but I do think she loves him. She may just be one of those who doesn’t know how to show it. They go up and down, and have been on the outs since the whole thing with Pam. I didn’t get into that. I figured that her question was the closest she could get to asking about him, so I answered the real question,

"Nick is good. He’s happy. He’s going to be a good dad. He’s already in love with that baby. He’s like some damn kid he’s so excited about getting married."

"Marriage is hard. He’s young."

"That’s true. Sure you won’t change your mind and come? There’s still time."

Aaron chimed in, "Come on, mom. Dad is going. You should."

"No, I have obligations here."

Aaron went past her, "Angel, BJ, Leslie! Come on Kevin’s here, let’s go!"

I shook my head, "Jane, it’s a shame your pride has to stand in the way of you seeing your baby get married."

She turned and walked off, "Aaron is the baby."

I rolled my eyes and hugged the rest of the kids, "You guys ready?"

They hugged their mom and we were off. In the car BJ spoke up, "I don’t know what the hell went on, Kevin."

"I don’t either. I’m sad for both of them. But I’m glad you guys will be there. He’ll be very surprised and happy."

It was almost four in the morning when we got back to my house. That’s only one for them and they’re young. They don’t need much sleep. I’m old. I do. Tracie was asleep on the couch when we dragged in. Thankfully the kids were starting to get tired too. I woke her up and headed on up to bed. She said she’d take over. Bless her.

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin looked rough, so I took over. They were starting to get tired, but still were excited. We hung out and talked for a little while then I showed them to the guest rooms. The wedding was at three on the beach. We needed to be gone from here by eleven.

I curled up behind Kevin. He stirred a little, "They all settled in?"

"Yep, cute kids."

"They’re not exactly kids anymore. I remember when they were much much littler."

"You’re great with them. Bet you always have been."

"We need a houseful of our own."

That was the first time he’d ever mentioned kids. I knew he wanted them, but I think the idea scared the shit out of him now. He couldn’t control that, and he couldn’t take losing another one. I squeezed him, "No way buddy, you gotta marry me before you get me pregnant."

He rolled over and kissed me, "I can do that. Easily."

We shared a smile then fell asleep.


	87. Chapter 87

~*~Lee~*~  
I woke up and smiled. I get married today. Nick was already up and out of bed. A few seconds later I heard the door knob turning. I pretended to be asleep. I felt him sit on the bed and his fingers in my hair, "Wake up, baby. We get married today."

I stretched and opened my eyes, "I know you."

"I brought you breakfast."

Oh, he's good. "I'm starving. You're kid is hungry too."

He sat the tray in my lap, "I brought enough for the three of us."

I cleaned up his cooking while he showered then I showered. We had agreed on no sex until after the wedding. We agreed on that after we had sex last night. I'm not crazy.

Tracie got there and chased him from the room for the last hour. She was my maid of honor. AJ was standing up for Nick.

~*~Kevin~*~  
I kept the kids away from the house. AJ called and gave me the go ahead to bring them once he had Nick inside away from windows. We had about fifteen minutes to chill and for the kids to talk to their dad. Jane never showed.

~*~Nick~*~  
Time to get out there. Nothing fancy, just out friends standing around on the beach. Once I get out there Tracie and Lee will come down. AJ and I were laughing as we headed down to the beach. He smacked me in the chest, "Hey, look who's here!"

I looked up to where my friends were and saw my family. Aaron had the biggest grin. I took off for them and they all wrapped their arms around me. I was crying, "I'm so glad you guys are here!" I saw my dad. I knew he was coming, "Thank you, dad."

He shook his head, "Don't think me. I didn't do it."

"Who?"

Aaron pointed, "Kevin talked to mom then flew in to get us last night."

Kevin shrugged his shoulders, "Least I could do."

I walked over and hugged him, "Thank you so much, bro. You have no idea how much I appreciate this."

"Hate to break this up, but there's a bride coming." AJ handed me Lee's ring, "Maybe you should have someone else be in charge of this." He motioned to Aaron.

I smiled and took the ring, "Yeah." I looked over at Aaron then turned back around, "Kevin, please?"

~*~Lee~*~  
"Lee, you need to get over here."

"It's bad luck." I didn't move.

"Oh shut the fuck up. Trust me you wanna see this."

I walked over just in time to see Nick and his brother and sisters in a big group hug, "Oh shit, how did that happen. Oh damn, I'm gonna cry. Fuck!"

Tracie put her arms around me, "Kevin took care of it. That's why he had to leave the boat yesterday, he went out to California to get them so Jane couldn't sabotage it."

"Damn that big fucker! I'm gonna have to kiss him."

Tracie backed up, "I think the weddings off."

"What!"

"Nick is proposing to Kevin."

~*~Kevin~*~  
Didn't expect this, "Nick, don't you think Aaron would make a good best man."

He shook his head, "Sure, but I want you. I can't thank you enough."

I was determined to make it through this wedding without crying. I've blown it and the thing hasn't even started, "It's your wedding. Whatever you want."

He threw his arms around me, "Good! Where are they? Let's go."

I pulled out my phone and called Tracie's cell, "The groom wants the bride down here."

"Yes, sir. We saw it all. Should I bring you some Kleenex?"

"Damn, Trace, I didn't expect that."

"I know, baby. You're wonderful. That's why I love you."

"I love you too."

Nick ripped the phone away, "Enough. You guys can do that later. Bring me my bride!!" He hit the end button and handed it back to me, "Sorry, Kev."

I laughed, "No problem."

~*~Nick~*~  
Best day of my life. My real family is here because my other family made it happen. It couldn't get any better. Mom not being here is probably a blessing. I don't have to listen to any of her shit.

Whoa, look at her. Beautiful. That's my bride. I could feel the huge grin plastered on my face. She had on an ankle length dress, not quite white. I could tell she was pregnant. I love that belly. I don't remember much of the ceremony. I remember repeating some stuff about not cheating, and being poor and sick. I said "I do" at some point. Kevin elbowed me and gave me the ring. Then I got to kiss her.  
Good thing Howie taped it. I'll watch it later and see what I promised to do.

~*~Lee~*~  
He's gorgeous. I get to keep him. He was completely out of it. I could have gotten him to promise anything. I couldn't stop looking around at the family with us. Aaron stood there with a smile that was identical to Nick's. His dad looked proud. BJ, Angel, and Leslie held hands and mouthed everything we said to each other. AJ kept shaking his head. Brian was quiet and seemed a little sad. I winked at him and he smiled. Howie kept the camera steady and a smile on his face. Kevin stood beside Nick. He kept wiping away tears with the tissue that Tracie had brought down and looking at her. Tracie never took her eyes off of him either. These would be the people who would see us through everything.


	88. Chapter 88

~*~Kevin~*~  
Nick and Lee were gone for two weeks. We never heard from them once. Good man.

Things in Orlando were pretty calm. The others of us got together once for a pre-meeting, and a few other times just to hang out. Mostly we all just chilled. Tracie and I took the first week and did nothing. I went to the club and hung out with her by the pool. Worked on my tan. Went home and worked out. I did do a little research. I wanted a house on the beach and Tracie got excited by the idea. Week two was spent looking at houses. It only took us two days to find what we wanted. It would need some work, but we could do that. It was empty and the owners let us go ahead and stay there. Funny what a large cash down payment will get you. It wasn’t going to be our main house, but our getaway. That weekend AJ, Brian, and Sara came and set up house with us. Nick and Lee showed up on Monday.

~*~Tracie~*~  
That’s when things started getting weird. Again. Nick was in love with being a husband, so he started in on Kevin. "Yo man, you gotta do it. Saying "my wife" is the best. And being a husband. You two gotta set the date and do it. Start working for it."

We had set the date. Scheduled it for six weeks before the date for the next cd. We figured post production should be done, a video, and before all the hoopla before the release. Lee and I went out and had our dresses. I hadn’t known what I wanted, so I tried on everything in the place and found perfection. We were going to be married in his hometown. It was very important to Kevin that his family be there. Since the last fiasco. I agreed. I missed having a family.

A few weeks after Nick returned and they were writing Kevin started twitching. He would drift off into his own little world and someone would have to yell at him to get him back. Then he moved into bitchy. Grumpy. Difficult. Ok, more difficult. I made a plane reservation and had us on the way to Kentucky within 24 hours. I knew that putting him in the mountains would fix this.

~*~Nick~*~  
We knew what this was about. Kevin’s baggage was coming back to smack him in the head. Marriage. No matter how he looked at it, he failed. On some level. So he was scared. Kevin has problems with not doing something perfectly. I’m sure Tracie knew what was going on. Best thing she could do was to get him alone and let him freak out then be human again. No one could hear the screaming in the mountains. And we didn’t have to put up with him. He’s a prick when trying to deal with things. She’s signing on to deal with that. I just walk.

~*~Kevin~*~  
Not sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. Being home was good. We had dinner with mom and she kept looking at me. I didn’t know what to tell her. I was the happiest I’d ever been in my life, but I felt like the whole world was weighing me down. I took off into the woods when we got back to the cabin. I settled into the porch swing when I got back. I didn’t think about anything as I’d walked. I needed to be really away. Tracie came out and sat down between my legs. I wrapped my arms around her and felt her hands on my arms. I breathed in her smell. "Kevlyn, do you want to get married?"

"Yes."

"You didn’t even think about your answer."

"I don’t have too. There is nothing I know more than knowing that I want to be married to you. Forever." I felt Australia fall off my shoulders.

"Ummm, ok."

"Why would ask such a question? Are you sure you want me?"

"Oh yeah. I didn’t really ask for me. I wanted you to hear yourself answer."

There went Asia, "What do you mean?"

"Typical Kevin freaking out behavior. Need you to get centered on what’s important and not obsess on the details." She turned and kissed me then faced the woods again.

Bye bye South America, "I haven’t been obsessing."

"Only because you’ve been too busy freaking out to obsess. My guess is you haven’t figured out this is pre-wedding jitters, so you haven’t found a target for your obsessing. So the rest of us deal with free floating obsessive Kevin."

I hugged her tighter and I felt Africa and Europe drift away, "You’re right. I hate to fail."

She turned and straddled my lap, "I know you do, baby. You won’t fail. I won’t let you."

North America left. I ran my hands up her back and into her hair, "Thank you. I love you."

"You pick the date. Just tell me and I’ll be there. I don’t give shit about anything but you." She reached down and rubbed the crotch of my jeans. Antarctica . . . melted.

The next day I called back to Florida and talked to Nick, "Sorry, I was melting down. I’m better. We’ll be home day after tomorrow."

"You’re gonna keep doing this until you get married and fully realize this isn’t the same thing at all. Then you’ll do it again when she’s pregnant."

I glared into the phone, "But I’ll have you to remind that I’m being a dumb ass."

"Na, Tracie gets that job. I’ll just call you a dumb ass. I’m serious though. Do us all a big ass favor and move up the wedding." Nick laughed. I was silent. I hadn’t thought of that. What was keeping us? "I’m for real here. Just say screw the plans and get married out on the beach like we did. Only at your house. Lee and I will arrange it all. This weekend."

"You can’t do all that." I was thinking.

"Kevin, of course I can. If you let me. I owe you way more than this for getting my brother and sisters here. We can get a wedding together by the weekend. Lee will take care of having the bride ready."

"I think I should tell her about this."

"I don’t. Hang on." I could here muffled voices, "Nope, my wife doesn’t either. Tracie freaks out just as bad as you."

I laughed, "She hits though."

"Surprise her. Then when she freaks out it’ll all be over."

I smiled and remember last night, "She won’t freak out. She told me to pick the date, she’d be there."

I heard a change in Nick’s voice, "Please, Kevin, let me take care of this for you guys. I promise I’ll have everyone here. It’ll be perfect. I’ll even have the honeymoon booked."

I couldn’t resist him. He really wanted to do this. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted it too, "We haven’t decided on where. Hawaii. Beaches and mountains."

Nick yelled loudly, "Yes! I’ll take care of it. See you tomorrow. Go to Orlando. We’ll be taking care of the beach house. You bring her Friday. Wedding on Saturday. That’s the plan. Thank you again, Kev."

"No Nick, thank you."


	89. Chapter 89

~*~Tracie~*~  
Kevin’s mood was much better. He was down right cuddly. "Down right" is a Kentucky phrase. I’m learning the language. He laughs when I pop out with some colloquialism. Orlando was pretty well deserted except for Howie. Nick and Lee were in Tampa, Brian and Sara were in New Orleans, and AJ was off somewhere being AJ. We were meeting Lee and Nick at the beach house Friday night. I needed girl bonding.

Friday it was just couple time. The newlyweds were down right precious. Like that? Kevin was normal. No, not normal . . . amazingly affectionate. And I don’t mean angling for sex, just love. Saturday Lee and I spent the morning shopping. Home by lunch. That’s my type of shopping.

~*~Lee~*~  
Now it’s time for me to be sneaky, "Hey, Trace. I feel fat and yucky today, let’s go try on our dresses."

"Lee, you look beautiful."

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. Indulge me."

"Of course."

That was way easier than I expected. Hope this bodes well for the groom. She got me into my dress, and I have to say I looked good. Belly and all. Then we went to dressing her, "So how are you gonna wear your hair?" We did that too. She was going simple, leaving it straight and long, pulling up the sides to fit in the circle of her veil. "Now let’s try this on too."

"I feel like I’m at a dress rehearsal. I love this dress."

"You look beautiful. I’m gonna go get a camera, be right back." Lame excuse, but she didn’t notice. I went downstairs and found Nick talking to Kevin, who looked amazing in his tux. He held a small bouquet of cream and pink roses. Hers. I hugged him and wiped away his tears, "Go get her, she’s in your room. Dressed and beautiful. Like a bride should be."

He smiled the biggest smile I’d ever seen from him and headed off. 

Nick looked at me, "Let’s go gorgeous. Ten minutes tops."

~*~Kevin~*~  
I took the stairs two at a time and knocked on our door.

"Lee, just come on in."

"It isn’t Lee, baby."  
"Kevin, you can’t see me . . . why are you wearing your tux?"

"You told me to pick a date and you’d be there. I picked today. Nick and Lee arranged it all." I took her hand and kissed it, "Will you marry me?" I’ll be holding my breath now.

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "You are so good."

"Only for you, Tracie. I don’t want to wait. Let’s do this. All our friends and our family are out on the beach waiting for us. I love you." I had my arm wrapped around her holding her to me, and the roses between us.

"You gonna walk me down the aisle?" There was my smirk.

"Nope. I get you downstairs and Nick walks you between our people. I’ll be with the judge, AJ, and Lee."

She pulled me down to her and kissed me, "Let’s go make you a husband."

~*~Nick~*~  
A half hour later it was all over. Kevin didn’t cry all over the place. Lee did. Tracie looked beautiful.

That just proves it the whole bride thing and not how long you spend getting ready. Or maybe that she’s just beautiful and in love. They headed back to the house and out on the back deck where we had set up tables and had enough champagne for the whole touring crew. I got them a flight out at midnight and with the time difference that would put them in Hawaii at midnight. Just in time for a moonlight walk and making love on the beach.

Tracie was worried about all the friends that were left out. I promised her that the weekend after they got home I was going to throw them the biggest damn party with everyone. I got a kiss. From Lee too.

It was a fun time. AJ came over and asked if Tracie was hungry and presented her with a tray of crackers and a can of spray cheese. Kevin told her that was the hors d'oeuvres for all the best Kentucky folk. She chased Kevin around the pool and once on the other side he let her catch him and they stood there kissing for a long time. Lot’s of pictures of that one. Around ten I got Kevin’s attention and got them saying their goodbyes. He made a little speech thanking everyone for coming with the short notice. Now he cried. She wiped away the tears and hugged him. Too damn cute.

~*~Kevin~*~  
"We need to go change. Long flight ahead of us."

"Where are we going?"

I smiled, "I don’t know how to keep this a secret. It’ll be pretty obvious once we get to the airport. I thought an extra long honeymoon in Hawaii would be good. Kick off this husband and wife gig well."

She ran her fingers through my hair, the way that always sends shivers through me, "My best friend . . . my lover . . . my husband."

I held her face in my hand, "My wife. Let me help you out of that dress."

"When’s our plane leave?"

Nick poked his head in the door, "Too soon for you two to start messing around. Get a move on!"

We both laughed and quickly changed. We slept on the flight and were good to go once we got in. Our bungalow was great. I dumped our bags in the bedroom then grabbed the champagne I knew Nick had ordered and the blanket by the door and took my wife out on the beach to make love for the first time for the rest of our lives.

You don’t think I’m gonna tell you about that do you? We’re married now, it’s private.

~*~FINI~*~


End file.
